Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Who wants to get flamed? Post your confession here
Yeeeah.
Andplusalso? The fact that FF used the "knight in shining armor" line about the ex makes me worry that this is something she actually believes in and takes stock in.
FF -- I hate to break it to you, but no one is going to swoop down and save you. There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. You need to heal, work on your own issues and learn that you are the only person who can get you out of the rut that you've created for yourself. Please stop looking for a man to save you and validate you. You need to discover your own self-worth, otherwise you're just going to keep attracting the wrong people.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
If you haven't already done so, you need to go get an order of protection against your Ex that beat you up. And if you have one, you need to report him because him calling you 60 times and FB stalking you would be in violation of that order and he would be arrested for it.
If you read the post that you quoted it says she has a PFA and that she kept the texts as proof of breaking said order.
Yeah, sorry, I saw that after I posted.
I think she should definitely report him. It'd be hard for him to continue to harass her from jail. And they will arrest and put people in jail for that....my DD's dad was in jail when she was born for that very reason.
Are you people f*cking serious? She just got out of a very violent relationship. The focus is on doing whatever she needs to to stay out and keep the EXBF away from her. Any side issues, like hanging out with inappropriate people, can be addressed later. The issue of her safety and being available to someone who is abusive is an issue of self confidence. Bashing her hurts her self confidence and exacerbates the most pressing issue which is STAYING AWAY FROM THE ABUSER.
Flitty, did you press charges for the domestic violence? You definitely need to report the contact and press charges. He is testing the waters and seeing how far he can push you, if he has a chance of getting you back. IMO and IME the best way to get him to stop is to treat him like a dog on an electric fence...everytime he steps over that line he gets shocked (charges). Once he realizes he is not getting contact with you (even bad contact can feed the obsession) and that you're sticking to your guns, he will back off. And best of all, creating a criminal record helps protect anyone else he may hit in the future. I prosecute DV and our laws require at least one day in jail for every violation...I let people either file one charge for 60 phone calls or 60 charges for 60 phone calls, they get a say in how I handle it. Usually when a guy serves 3 or 4 months in jail for some phone calls he finally gets it and stays away...unless you give in and have contact. *note, this is not legal advice*
This other guy can be a distraction and an ego boost but you definitely need to work in counseling on your boundaries and how to see big red flags so you weed out dangerous people. I think you know this. I am sure the Ex did a number on your confidence and your feeling of safety in your own judgment but this other guy isn't going to fix or resolve that, he's like a bandaid that will have to be ripped off eventually.
I have a ton of jackasses who still call from jail, but at least that way you have a record of it.
There's a way to block the calls from jail. I called the jail and they did it for me.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I was worried about this other guy who wouldn't leave her alone from the beginning because coming off of an abusive relationship you need to be ALONE for a long time to get strong. If you jump into something else you're a prime target for another potentially abusive situation. Especially with someone like this who seems to not take "no" for an answer. That's controlling behavior 101. I would run, not walk, away from him, as I said before.
Not trying to bash her at all. Just pointing out that she said she wasn't ready and to be careful. Not bad advice IMO. I do not want her to be hurt again by someone who may be looking for an easy target.
After everything that happened with my X my head was not on straight and I am sure she felt this way too. TOTALLY different situations, but both traumatic.
I agree with you on the eletric fence idea. The only way my X stopped calling me was when I block his calls from prison.
The thing is that through my job I've realized anyone who isn't in that situation in that moment doesn't know and can't imagine what it would feel like. It's equally logical that someone who was just hit by a person they loved and trusted would seek out someone who would make them feel loved who they could trust. It's not the most emotionally healthy response but I get why people would do it.
I understand that this board has more people who have been victims of domestic violence which is part of the reason it makes me cringe when people jump down the throats of someone who just left an abusive situation. Even if it is for an unrelated reason. People who have been DV victims need support, they need help finding resources and feeling good about themselves. It's fine to say, hey you're in a bad place and I get why you would feel crummy about yourself, but focusing on you and being safe is going to make you feel better in the long run. Saying what the hell is wrong with you just makes someone who is already low, and in a dangerous situation, feel lower. If a person is an an absuive situation because of self confidence issues reacting with "tough love" only puts them more at risk. I don't think that was anyone's intent but it scares me for the OP.
Be fair though, is that really how you would respond to a client? Would you say that to someone's face and expect to get results? I don't think your intent was bad, but I think it's easier to get frustrated with an internet poster and see the situation as more black and white than it is. Flitty was hit maybe a week ago by someone she pictured herself having a future with. By all research and experience, there is a good chance that she could get sucked back in and get back together with him. He's the major issue, this other guy is like a symptom of the issue and shows just how crummy she is feeling over things going south with the knight in shining armor. I'm happy to snark a lot of people on the Nest but when it really is a situation where someone's life or well being is potentially at risk the best method for talking to someone is the one most likely to achieve the result of her keeping herself safe.