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Re: How to deal with a soon to be FIL that is a chauvinist?
No, she said other responders here. And she's ignored every single question she's received. I actually thought posters were quite insighful and good natured. Something seems insulting to her - I wonder if its the questions around where her FI agrees with his dad and if so, the advice to get out now. Maybe touched a nerve?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Unfortunately I think this might be one of those situations where you might not win the battle but you can sure as hell win the war.
Take what your FFIL says with a grain of salt - people with a mindset like that are set in their ways and except for a few rare exceptions, you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. This is especially true of an old dog who has no motivation to change or to learn said tricks.
What really matters is that you and your FI see eye to eye; your FI is the one you are going to be spending the rest of your life with, not FFIL (thank God!). While it's true that you don't just marry the man, you marry his whole family, you can do your best to tune FFIL out when he goes on his rants and just basically ignore him. I'd effectively treat him like the bullies we all dealt with in childhood - ignore him completely and go about your business. If you're lucky and he realizes he's being ignored, he might actually take the hint and shut his trap.
On the other hand, if you and FI aren't on the same page because he agrees with some/all of the ridiculous things his father is saying... that's a whole other animal and an issue that needs to be addressed forth with.
I know ignoring FFIL might be hard, but sadly you aren't going to change him and your efforts trying to convince him otherwise will fall on deaf ears (not to mention it'll raise your blood pressure, stress you out and make you miserable).
Best of Luck!
- Bella
LOL I visited communist russia. after seeing it first hand i'm anti-socialist and anti-communist as well. i totally get where he's coming from. and i'm with him-it's not your place to question his personal experiences with how it relates to communism etc..he has a real basis for his feelings. leave it alone. change the subject. i also wonder if you ever took the time to ask him about it-REALLY ask him about what it was like to live then. it's a fascinating subject. he may look at you in a totally different light if you try and discuss it with him. you can also contrast with your experiences ina non-defensive, non-confrontational way. discuss. not argue.
clearly with him politcs and womens roles anywhere but home are off limits unless you want to hear more of what's above. so here's your choice: 1) dont partake in coversations or 2) know that's how he'll react.
it's your choice. dont try to quote stats, convince him etc... it's a waste of time.
and i think as strong as your FFIL is your FI is just as weak. he said nothing apparently.
and about the whole family planning thing-you know how he is. dont expect him to change. dont put off th ose plans because of FIL either. he can't run your lives-dont let him.
but this will not get better after you get married. marriage magnifies everything 400%.
We had something occur before our wedding which made me start to question things, but after my then FI totally took my side and stood up for me and himself, I knew everything would be fine. And even to this day, as long as he and I are a united front to them and as long as we are on the same page at the end of the day, that is really what matters here.
So... the most important thing is not FFIL at ALL. He will always be who he is...a chauvinist. But, did FI not speak up to defend you because he knew not to argue since there is no changing his dad or does he share his point of view???? If he shares his point of view....then you have a problem and a real reason to question marrying him. Whatever you see now....will be what it is later...and is magnified when the kids come along.
Personally I think that you need to rethink who you are marrying. You had a clear issue with something, that you brought to the attention of your FI later. He said to you, he didn't see why you were so upset, nor could understand why. The fact that he saw nothing wrong with what your FFIL said, even after you explaining your feelings...I have an issue with.
You will have many ups and downs in the lifetime of your marriage, and one of those is conflicts with ILs. If he cannot stand by your side now, he won't. DH and I have had situations where it felt that the ILs were having issues with us, two being quite major...I stood by his side (DH) and was quite clear with my family where I stand. Was it hard, due to feeling like a child explaining themselves to a parent? Yes. But then I stood my ground more, and as an adult...things have changed, and IMHO for the better.
As a married couple, you need to stand as a unit (like in military) or the whole entire unit will crumble. Thank goodness you are seeing this now! I would put the wedding on hold/or carefully see (without booking anything further) how your FI deals with issues with you and your family.
Your FFIL may be playing nice, but he doesn't respect you. HOWEVER, you are not on this earth for him. You can't have a happy-go-lucky easy IL relationship, if you do, it doesn't last. Its how you and your FI get through that mess is how it will be "fixed."
My FIL is from a very traditional Middle Eastern culture where women have no say in anything and are there to have babies, cook, clean, and look pretty. I grew up in a house with parents that were equal partners. There was no way I was not going to clash with FIL.
He makes sexist remarks all the time and I give it back to him. My willingness to do this has created some tense moments, but screw him. He doesn't say stupid sh!t around me as often and I think this is because I don't let it fly.
My DH laughs off a lot of it and tells me that nobody takes FIL seriously, so I shouldn't either. However, he has told his father where to put it on more than one occasion.
I can deal with things the way they are now. But...if he ever say anything sexist in front of my daughter, I will shut him down so uick and so hard, he will not know what hit him.
But, this is all possible because my DH sees his father for what he is and we are on the same page.
I know that you are not crazy about the advice that you have been given, but I agree that the problem is not with FFIL. He is who he is and will not change because his son got engaged. You can't change nor control him. But, if you are getting no support from FI, that is a problem. It is time to have a serious heart to heart with him. Good luck.
oh yeah, that would make me run the opposite direction. Though, I knew what kind of a man I was marrying years before we walked down the aisle.