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Religion s/o In which KCB bares her soul to the board for some help
ETA: I am going to delete this after lunch and just copy the whole thing into a word doc so I can have it for reference. Thanks!
edited: faith, anxiety, blah. i didn't want to delete your answers because they could be as helpful to someone else as they were to me. if the nest ever got it's search function fixed.
Re: Religion s/o In which KCB bares her soul to the board for some help
Have you tried studying other world faiths to see if they call to you more than Christianity?
Are you wanting to be a Christian because you *think* you should be a Christian?
Why are you having trouble believing in God/Jesus?
I said in the "God loves kind atheists" thread something that I will repeat here:
Just as there are some people who just can and do and always have and always will believe in God, there are people for whom the opposite is true and no matter how much they want to believe, they simply cannot. I know a lot of people call it a choice but I firmly believe that for a lot of people on both sides of the theist/atheist coin, it's not a choice. Some people just can't help but believe, other people can't help but not.
I used to have a lot of angst because I fall into that latter category, but also as I said in the other thread- I have to believe that if God is the almighty, all-loving presence that He's made out to be, if He exists, I have to believe He really loves me in spite of my atheism and it doesn't mean damnation. If that's not the case, well, I guess He's not all-loving, is He?
So in short, I just stopped worrying about it because no matter how much some people, myself included, wish they could believe in high power, they just can't. I can't drive myself crazy over something I can't change.
I'm sorry that this has been a rough time for you.
Why does the idea of no God or Jesus scare you so much?
I think it would be wise to treat the anxiety and see how things fall into place once you've started on the road to treatment.
I'm not sure given the presence of the anxiety that you'll be able to think through solutions or suggestions that are presented to you. Does that make sense?
Click me, click me!
the thought of no God or Jesus simply terrifies me, but I have not been able to find a way to truly "believe" again.
I feel like I've wavered before like you're describing, and the bolded is what has held me fast at times. Then I pray for reassurance, and it helps. Sometimes I reflect on times where I've experienced God in my life. Remembering those have helped as well.
If you're steadfast on God and Jesus, vs. other faiths, I'd recommend this for reading:Erasing Hell, Sun Stand Still is another faith focused book.
My husband was reading both, and it seemed to encourage strength in his faith.
Zuma Zoom
I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell you something that will restore your faith, because your doubt is based on your own logic, and faith doesn't come from that place. The only resolutions are if what you've come to believe is true (the atheism side) changes, or you become OK with what you've come to believe is true.
I agree with HAB, though. Anxiety manifests in many forms, I would see help on that first. Once that's under control, you're in a better place to contemplate your beliefs more.
I've always been a worrier. A new thing or a trip, I usually am just filled with dread up until the time the event happens, and then i'm fine. it's the anticipation of something that does me in. With all the things I couldn't control or know post partum, it got pretty bad, but then it went away fairly quickly. I haven't really had bad anxiety since, up until recently. As to the trigger, I think it was a 1/3 life crisis. Turning 35 was hard, and I've never been one to not love a birthday. I've been trying to be in better shape and I think my own mortality has been on my mind a lot more than usual.
It pops up in various places: reading a book about dinosaurs to DD and talking about millions of years that have past get me thinking about all of the lives that have come and gone during that period. Watching "Bones" on tv I now get a little twinge about the victim. basically any mention of death gets me thinking about the afterlife or lack thereof. and then i start worrying about being separated from DD for forever. before this would not have bothered me because of heaven, but now....
Questioning your beliefs is a good thing - and can lead to a stronger faith in what you truely do believe. I do think your anxiety needs to be addressed before you address the faith issues.
As for "is this all there is" - if you use your life for good and helping others it is never "just all there is " .
ETA: Don't be so hard on yourself - even Mother Teresa has had periods of "faith crisis".
I agree with HAB that your first step should be getting the anxiety under control. I think that experiencing different forms of worship in the meantime could be helpful, but I don't think that anything is going to click when your heart feels so conflicted.
I would also suggest setting up some one-on-one time to speak with the clergy of whatever church you decide to start exploring. It would be helpful to hear answers to your questions from someone who has spent their life devoted to their faith rather than from random strangers who may not be able to offer the clear explanations you need.
All I know is my experience and whenever I start feeling anxiety, it isn't coming from God. He brings me clarity and peace, so whenever I start feeling conflicted and anxious I know that there is something of this world that is causing it and that I need to either remove from the picture or sort out. I always find it's best for me to spend some alone time in prayer out in nature (that's where I feel most connected spiritually) to sort it out. Even if you don't believe in prayer, maybe a little alone time in meditation or spiritual reflection would help you find the Peace you are looking for.
i agree. DH is too close the matter, as am I, and we haven't been able to really make a determination as to what to do first. He doesn't really ask the right questions to challenge me to be honest, which I knew I could count on you all to do. you have my gratitude.
now.....those with experience, a ?- which anti anxiety meds are safe to be on while TTC? or while PG, as the case may very well be as I need to pee on something today or tomorrow. don't get your hopes up or anything, copz and other folk that live in my ute.
Ditto.
Grab the book "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller.
it's probably just the first sign of the zombie apocalypse. prepare the farm.
Just make sure your Dr. knows about your situation, I wouldn't try to treat this OTC or anything. A good Dr. will take all factors into consideration.
I just wanted to say hang in there.
My crisis of faith lasted a couple of years until I was finally okay with not believing in Jesus as the Savior. It all came out of convos with my Buddhist DH (who grew up Episcopalian). I started really examining my beliefs and came to the conclusion that these stories just couldn't be true. I consider myself an agnostic hedonistic heathen and philosophical Buddhist, now
I explain to people that it feels like I've caught my faith cheating on me, and I'm afraid to have faith in a religion again. How can I believe in any of it, when I think the stories of one are not real? I am drawn to paganism and love the ritual and communing with nature type stuff that goes with it, but I can't bring myself to believe in the pagan dieties. I like the Buddhist philosophy but can't bring myself to become a Buddhist by faith. The stories and teachings are wonderful (as are they of other faiths) but I don't feel the need to adhere to one like I did when I was Christian.
I'm still afraid of death because it is the unknown - I was afraid of dying, though, when I was faithful. I hate that I don't think I will meet DH or family in heaven and tra la la with them for eternity like I used to believe. It can be very disconcerting to lose that security blanket, whatever faith you have.
What it has ultimately done, though, is make me a better person. I have slowed down a lot to take in more of this life I live, to make the moments count, because I now believe it may be all I have. I actually feel I act more like a "good Christian" now than when I considered myself one, because of how my outlook has changed.
I think you're anxious because of these thoughts, which may be exacerbating any anxiety issues you're already having. Talk to your PCP, maybe they can suggest wellbutrin or another med that may help with the anxiety and help you focus more.
Best of luck. It is a long journey, one I'm not sure everyone just ups and ends.
I think your anxiety is amping up because there is a part of you that is already athiest but another part that is unable to accept that.
Fear, IMO, is no reason to cling to faith. If you accept that there is the possibility of no God and no Jesus then you can work from that point to whatever end brings you peace.
I experienced something similar about 3-4 years ago. Combination of faith issues and anxiety/depression. I was a born again evangelical during my teens, went to a Christian college and still subscribed to most of the same beliefs, although my worldview was expanding quite a bit during those 4 years. After college I had no interest in church and was questioning pretty much everything. Feeling major guilt over not subscribing to my former beliefs, and major guilt for questioning in general. I felt like there was really only one way to be a "Christian" and I was outside that way of life and therefore had no idea what to call myself or where I fit.
My anxiety disorder was kickin' into high gear around that same time, it had always been very manageable before. Suddenly I had obsessive thoughts, trouble sleeping, extremely negative self talk all the time. That all made me very depressed and I reached the point that dh and I knew I needed help. I tried therapy only (cognitive behavioral) for a few months, then after having some pretty serious suicidal ideation I went on zoloft. Zoloft made such a difference, damn I love that drug. I have been on it since summer of 2008, all through TTC and now while I'm pregnant. No plans to go off of it. It is safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding from what I've read and my discussions with various doctors.
Church did not help me figure things out. In fact, it was just 2 weeks ago that I became a church member again for the first time in a decade. We joined a very liberal methodist church. They encourage questioning, community service, and don't subscribe to the "one perfect type of Christian" crap I was fed by Focus on the Family for so many years.
because so many of my issues were faith based, I sought out a therapist with a background in that. I found one at Christian Psychology office with a specialty in anxiety/depression. She is awesome, really helped me work through my questions and learn to accept myself, and she helped guide me to a great church
From the little pieces she disclosed about her own journey, I think we had a lot in common.
sorry to write a novel!
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
pugz and groovin, thanks for your novels. they were helpful. and to all the book recommendations, I will check those out. gonna make an appt with my PCP for next week if I don't have to make one with my OB/GYN. OB/GYN is all over anxiety and depression in pregnancy, so i know they will be helpful if that is the case.
I would make an appointment with your PCP for the first available appointment, maybe even beg to be worked in if you can't get in by next week, and discuss your anxiety. fill him/her in on how you're feeling and that you're TTC, they should be able to put you on something that is safe.
I agree that until you sort out the anxiety I don't think you'll be able to make any productive progress on the faith issue. It will continue to be a chicken or egg situation and will just continue to run around in your head getting now where.
Once your anxiety is under control you'll be better able to think things through. Whether the anxiety is prompting the thoughts and it goes away, or your questions are prompting the anxiety and you'll be better able to work through them wherever that leads you.
For some reading on the other side of things, that may help or I found helpful or I know have been helpful for other people who tends towards non-belief but struggle to accept it:
The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins
Arguing about Gods by Graham Opry
A Human Strategy by Matt Berry (this one in particular provided a lot of comfort)
I agree to see your doc. If you are pg, your OB can prescribe something too. Actually, this "crisis of faith" might almost all be a result of pg-related anxiety issues.
Also, if your OB says no to any sort of med during your pg, please get a 2nd opinion. I have 1 sister who needs to be on them all pg (and had a normal baby just fine, tyvm
) and another sister in med school who recently went to a class where she said her doc/professor adamantly said that being on anxiety/depression meds FAR outweighed any theoretical risks.
I haven't read the responses, but I can tell you that as someone who had a crisis of faith AND anxiety, once I accepted the A-word, I breathed a sigh of relief. It felt so wrong; my concept of an atheist was a cynical, hateful person who didn't care about others.
But then I realized that wasn't true. I was hanging on to prayer and god as a sort of security blanket, where I'm have to pray lest something awful happened to me.
Then I realized that I'd ALWAYS really been an atheist, and it was religion that was wrong for me. And I'd also always been someone cared about people and animals and other things that needed defending, and that wouldn't change without a god in my life.
From what I understand, it can be like coming out of the closet. Once I accepted what I was, I really made so much more sense to myself, and I could be at peace so much easier.
Try really hard to be good to yourself and allow yourself to feel and think whatever you're thinking. Do any exploration you need, and talk to anyone you need to talk to.
We are here for you!
ETA: Seek anxiety help before religious help. I have a feeling things will clear up for you then.
I agree with the PP who said maybe you should explore some other world religions to see if one is a better fit for you. I never believed in the Christian dogma, so it was never disturbing to me to consider other things. I have studied a number of world religions because I find them all fascinating. I never considered joining any of them, or even felt the need to have a religion, until I began studying Buddhism. I found that I could not dispute the truth of those teachings at all, and that there was nothing in the teachings that I found objectionable. After studying it for a couple of years on my own, I began studying with a monk and finally, two years ago, I took refuge (became a Buddhist).
My point is that perhaps you're barking up the wrong tree. Sometimes, because of where we grow up, or what we're taught, or because of our own personal biases, we don't really fully explore all of our options. When you grow up a white girl in Kansas (like me), you're really not exposed to anything but Christianity, ya know? My point is that perhaps there is something else out there that you have not yet considered that will provide a better fit for you. In any case, good luck.