If you don't have kids- do you date guys with kids?

ReturnOfKuus · April 2012

I don't see why kids or no kids, divorced or never married, is such a touchy issue. We rule people out based on things that are a lot more arbitrary and involuntary than that, like looks, and we probably do eliminate perfectly lovely people in doing so, but why is that such a bad thing? IMO refusing to date all men younger than you is a lot more nonsensical and irksome than eliminating people who come with more baggage than you do.

kjewell · April 2012

I would never date a guy with kids. I don't want children of my own and if I were to date and possibly marry someone with children though they wouldn't be mine a lot of the scarfices and such that go with having children would be there because he as their father would have to make them.

becwheat · April 2012

ReturnOfKuus:
I don't see why kids or no kids, divorced or never married, is such a touchy issue. We rule people out based on things that are a lot more arbitrary and involuntary than that, like looks, and we probably do eliminate perfectly lovely people in doing so, but why is that such a bad thing? IMO refusing to date all men younger than you is a lot more nonsensical and irksome than eliminating people who come with more baggage than you do.

I agree. I think the amount of baggage you want to deal with is up to you. Like I said before I like to be honest about my past and the possible future struggles my partner may have to endure with me. It is not like I spill everything on the first few dates, but it is part of my life and not a lot of men would want to deal with all of that.

I just think you have to be aware of what you can tolerate and that a lot of the time your partner is not going to make big changes to accomodate you.

NextChapter · April 2012

I do not have children of my own, nor do I want them, but I might be open to dating a man with adult children. I would not date someone with minor children, or adult kids that still lived at home.

lovelybb · April 2012

beccaga16:
ReturnOfKuus:
I don't see why kids or no kids, divorced or never married, is such a touchy issue. We rule people out based on things that are a lot more arbitrary and involuntary than that, like looks, and we probably do eliminate perfectly lovely people in doing so, but why is that such a bad thing? IMO refusing to date all men younger than you is a lot more nonsensical and irksome than eliminating people who come with more baggage than you do.

I agree. I think the amount of baggage you want to deal with is up to you. Like I said before I like to be honest about my past and the possible future struggles my partner may have to endure with me. It is not like I spill everything on the first few dates, but it is part of my life and not a lot of men would want to deal with all of that.

I just think you have to be aware of what you can tolerate and that a lot of the time your partner is not going to make big changes to accomodate you.

This is a great point... I think anyone who has been in a long-term relationship or divorced will come with certain baggage or issues. It's really just up to how much you want to deal with.... I could walk away from D because his ex is crazy and no one would fault me for it. But he's a great guy and I'm really enjoying being in a relationship with him. We'll see how it goes down the road, but for right now it works and my friends have even commented on how well I'm handling the situation with him.

kippersophie · April 2012

beccaga16:

kippersophie:
I won't date someone with kids b/c I married someone with kids and it pretty much soured me on it. I love my stepson to bits, my issue was with XH constantly forcing me to take a backseat to sS. And telling me that there was no way he could ever love me as much as sS.

I am not trying to offend you... but I think most sinlge parents would be willing to admit no partner would ever be on the same level as their child.

That being said the love for a child and the love for a partner are obviously different and though my SO would probably never be #1 they would be cherished and I hope they would also see my child as THEIR child and put them and any other children first.

Like I said I am not judging you. Being a step-parent isn't for everyone and it sounds like your X didn't do the best job of making you feel included/a priority and you have to do what is right for you.

I am up front about the fact that my kids comes first and if a guy doesn't like that then he isn't for me. That is totally fine, I would rather know sooner rather than later.

Nonono, and I'm not offended. I realize that, as some other PPs said, it would be shtty for a guy to toss his kid to the curb because he has a new girl. But I don't feel like it fosters love in the family to constantly be harped on about it - I acknowledge that it was a fault that XH had, and not everyone else would, but I don't think I could do it again.

becwheat · April 2012

kippersophie:
beccaga16:

kippersophie:
I won't date someone with kids b/c I married someone with kids and it pretty much soured me on it. I love my stepson to bits, my issue was with XH constantly forcing me to take a backseat to sS. And telling me that there was no way he could ever love me as much as sS.

I am not trying to offend you... but I think most sinlge parents would be willing to admit no partner would ever be on the same level as their child.

That being said the love for a child and the love for a partner are obviously different and though my SO would probably never be #1 they would be cherished and I hope they would also see my child as THEIR child and put them and any other children first.

Like I said I am not judging you. Being a step-parent isn't for everyone and it sounds like your X didn't do the best job of making you feel included/a priority and you have to do what is right for you.

I am up front about the fact that my kids comes first and if a guy doesn't like that then he isn't for me. That is totally fine, I would rather know sooner rather than later.

Nonono, and I'm not offended. I realize that, as some other PPs said, it would be shtty for a guy to toss his kid to the curb because he has a new girl. But I don't feel like it fosters love in the family to constantly be harped on about it - I acknowledge that it was a fault that XH had, and not everyone else would, but I don't think I could do it again.

Totally understandable. It is important to make your SO feel important and loved.

JellymanKelly · April 2012

RedRedWine2:
I can see where you're coming from, but honestly I'm divorced with pretty much no X drama. Like, none. I don't speak to him, don't live in the same state as him any longer so there is no need to run into him. If I had to deal with him for some reason, we'd be civil. I realize there are a good amount of divorced people that may have more strained relationships with their X, but there are a number of us out there that have no drama.
I'd hate for someone to not date me simply because I'm divorced and they label every single one as "drama". But I guess I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't date someone that has been divorced.

I'm divorced with kids, which is "X and X" in most guys' books. That's okay, because I'm not interested in someone who won't accept my boys, but I'm not looking for a new daddy for my kids, I have a great relationship with my ex, and I take care of myself and my kids and plan to (I'm not looking for anyone to take care of us). Sometimes I feel like I'm not given a fair shot because people see that I'm a single mom and think "crazy, dramatic, welfare mama." That's pretty much the opposite of my life.

nerdyone · April 2012

I would totally date a guy with kids and give it a chance. It could make things tricky later on down the road, but I cannot rule out a guy who has kids. He will be ruled out if he has kids and is not an active part of their lives, that is just unacceptable to me.

PhoenixRising11 · April 2012

I certainly am not in a spot to think much about my next relationship, especially since I am still in my marriage (at least physically, although I have checked out emotionally), but I do have opinions on this. My H has two children who were 6 and 7 when we met (and are now 18 and 19). While they were certainly not a problem at all, his ex certainly was and continues to be (although not so much now that they are older). I have never felt like I was #1 (or honestly even #2) in my H's life because he had to worry about them (which was not a problem) and her (which was a problem) as well. For this reason, I would not date a man with kids whose mom was still in the picture.

hainesherway · April 2012

Before I met L, I was pretty opposed to dating a guy with kids. I figured it was too much drama to have to deal with an XW and juggling schedules. But I'm SO GLAD I gave him a chance. Guys with kids have a lot of hidden benefits that I never considered before. They are generally more responsible, more mature, and have their priorities straight. I want biological children, but I can honestly say that the more I get to know L's DD, the more I love her and consider her one of my own. And L's XW is not so bad to deal with (at least so far).

rscy · April 2012

Not that I'm anywhere near in the frame of mind to date again, but if I were to put myself out there I would ONLY be interested in men who have kids. I left the ex because he dragged his feet on kids so it will be very difficult for me to believe a man in my age range who has no kids would be willing to uproot their life for them. I'm looking into adopting on my own (not an infant) and don't much care if I meet a man or just get to spend the rest of my life doing my own thing. But I do know that I'm not going to let another man get in the way of my dreams (i.e., kids!, etc.) like the last one did.

If you don't have kids- do you date guys with kids?

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