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My disfunctional family...HELP!
So I will try and keep this short. DH and I live with my mother, sister, and my sisters 6 month old baby (shes a single mom). We fell on hard times but have been saving up to move out. There has been a lot of tension because we are in a small space with family (bad idea, I know). My mother doesn't work (she has depression and retired from her job), my sister doesn't work and doesn't always take care of her baby (my mom does mostly), and it's been really hard living here.
So yesterday it all blew up. My sister wouldn't get out of bed (she always has an excuse like headache, depressed, tired, etc). I tried to get her up to take care of the baby, but she freaked out. It started as a fight between me and my sister, but ended up being a fight between DH and my mom because my mom was sticking up for my sister. DH said some hurtful things to my mom about her being lazy and not working, and my mom slapped him across the face. I was SHOCKED. I defused the situation and me and DH left for the night.
1. DH said he will never forgive her for slapping him, and I said that's fine and he doesn't have to. But he said when we do have kids years from now, he doesn't want them around my mom. I'm not sure what to do about this...Is he being unreasonable talking about hypothetical kids we don't even have yet? Do you see where he's coming from?
2. We can move up north where DH's family is, or we can stay here and just move out of this house. DH is waiting to hear back from the fire department here about a job opportunity. But his family said they could get him a job if we moved there. The only thing holding me here is school, but I can always transfer and pay out of state.
WWYD? This whole thing is just such a nightmare. I knew my family was crazy, but yesterday was just such a shock. I am stuck in the middle of this and don't know what to do. Thanks for any advice.
Re: My disfunctional family...HELP!
living with family is never a good idea, especially when there is dysfunction already. Go where the jobs are and where cost of living is most affordable.
give things time to defuse as well. No need to make decisions about hypothetical kids
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Why was your husband insulting the woman who's been putting a roof over his head?
I agree, I was very upset that he said those things to my mother. I still don't think hitting someone should ever be allowed.
Maybe he shouldn't have said them, but was he right?
I don't know if he was right. It's really hard to see clearly right now. The things he said were true I guess.
He takes responsibility. He told me he was out of his place to say those things, and he knows he was wrong. My mom is an adult and can choose what to do with her life, and it's really none of DH's business...
Move out of your mom's house asap.
If you move to be near your H's family you could take a break from school (and work) until you've lived there long enough to not pay OOS tuition. I think it's only a year. Just an idea.
If it was a DW being hit by their FIL, posters would be lynching the FIL and fully supporting the DW, no matter what was said by the DW.
Lets be clear here: It is NEVER okay for an adult to hit another adult. Ever.
I wouldn't be considering allowing my future children to be around someone that assaulted me either. Do what ever you need to in order to get out of the house.
All that said, how exactly is it your business how your sister behaves? You need to move out for two reasons: 1) YOU don't know how to set and maintain boundaries and 2) your mom assaulted your DH. Neither are healthy for anyone involved.
Why is it so upsetting for a member of your family to tell another member of your family the truth?
ITA with all of this. I don't care what your H said, it is never right to resort to violence. I don't blame your H for wanting to stay away from her. While in theory I agree with him wanting to keep your future children away, I think it's ridiculous for two people living with a parent to even discuss children.
You also need to accept some responsibility for setting this whole mess in motion. You don't get to judge your sister & her lifestyle when you are a married adult living at home with mommy.
Move out now, by whatever means necessary.
Bolded part is very true, I don't know how to set boundaries. And honestly, until I met DH I didn't even realize how messed up my boundaries were.
Let me make sure I'm clear, we are YEARS away from having a child. I promise I would never even think about bring a baby into our lives right now.
And the second part, you are right. I shouldn't judge anyone when I am living with my mom right now. I guess I feel I can judge her because she has a baby and doesn't take care of him like she should, and it kills me because I love my nephew.
4 adults in the family, and no one works! You need to get a job even if it is part time while you are in school. Your DH obviously is looking.
How can your in-laws say they can get your DH a job? Is it at their company because otherwise its pretty hard to get someone a job.
Start applying in both locations and wherever you get a job first is where you live. If you have to move with the in-laws in the mean time to get away from physical abuse, then I guess that's what you have to do since you can't afford to live on your own.
I agree that it is appalling that your mother slapped your H. Doesn't sound like he was behaving well either but she went too far.
I see that you said kids are far away in the future, so basically I agree that you shouldn't focus too much on what your H said about kids and your mother. You have more immediate concerns in terms of getting your own place and forth.
However, I agree with him. I would be worried that if you have kids eventually and they are challenging, that she would lose it again and slap your child. She has shown that she can't control herself.
For your unemployed husband to call your retired mother "lazy" was emotionally abusive. Under the circumstances of accepting her hospitality because he can't provide for himself, it's pretty unforgivable. For your mother to hit him was also wildly inappropriate and abusive.
I can't understand how you can entertain the thought that you might stay on under her roof. But then, I'm not sure I could stay married to and breed with a man who was that unappreciative and cruel.
Absolutely perfect.
I work 30+ hours a week. And we both get $ for going to school full time because we are prior military and using our GI Bills.
I'm not considering staying under her roof, we have already left the house. I am trying to figure out the best long term solution for us.
What he said was emotionally abusive, and I have asked him to see a therapist. He needs to learn how to deal with his emotions better (obviously) and handle his anger/stress/resentments. I don't want this to turn into a pattern.
Thank you everyone for your help. This has been so stressful and I appreciate the advice.
first: your DH had best learn to keep his mouth shut. in the heat of an argument or not it's unacceptable for him to say something like that to her especially when she's letting you live in her house. no matter what her side of the argument was he owes her a huge sincere apology now.
and as for him talking about having kids later-yeah-remind him that you need to move out of your mothers house because you can't afford an apartment yet.
your mom also may know that you're now in a financial position to move out (Ia ssume because of what you wrote about moving out) and may be pissed that you're both still freeloading off of her. nevermind your DH insulting her.
if you're in such hard times why dont you go get a job? how old are you? 19?
Ha! I thought the same thing when I read that.
Reading fail. Look at my post above please.
Yeh! Let's blame the victim, he had it coming ya'll. We all know the proper response to such a horridly abusive word such as "lazy" deserves a good whack across the face.
Yeah, I'm in this camp (especially with the bolded.) No one was 'right' in the situation, but really? If a nestie posted here that her MIL or FIL had smacked her, everyone would be saying she had a major DH problem if he didn't cut said parent out of his life, or at least work on some serious boundaries. So, I'm a little wtf at some of these responses.
Glad you've moved out of the house, OP.
Thanks for your input everyone. We have decided to move out of the state away from my family. I think this will be the best choice for both of us. My family just has so many issues that they don't deal with (like depression and pill abuse). I guess this incident was what I needed to make the decision to leave. I love my family but I know what I need to do for my marriage and for myself.