Politics & Current Events
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: SAHM'ing and being $ dependent
I say this a lot to my mom friends- either those who work who still feel that can bash SAHMs while I'm sitting right there, or SAHM friends who swear "everyone can make it work (no need to rehash that debate from a couple weeks ago, folks)"
My answer is always this "how can we expect our society to accept us, i.e. the male dominated power structure, when we expend so much energy tearing each other down? How can we expect them to respect a family's decision when we don't respect another family's decision?"
Feeling stuff like that is why I went back to work after 3 years of SAHM. It's stressful living that way.
I guess it's always been easy for me to see the value in what I do. Like the PP, I know my (our) choice to SAH makes my husband's life much easier, and I see the value in all that I do for our family. Because if I wasn't doing it, we'd be paying someone to do it, so there's at least that much value in it. I think there's more because of everything else I take care of (appointments, grocery stuff, making sure the kids have shoes/clothes/etc. - the list goes on and on).
I also have never had to question much about what I can spend b/c our budget is very clear cut and full of all kinds of line items. It's either there or not, but my personal budget (money for me to spend on me, whatever I may want) is a rolling budget. Meaning I can spend more one month and make it up the next. Or save it up and spend a bunch on one thing... whatever. We also both sacrifice our personal budgets if we have a big expense in a particular month to lessen the budget blow. I think it makes it easier to not feel like I have to run purchases by him or that I'm at his mercy.
I know my MIL thinks I'm a freeloader, but I think she's a hag. So...
But really, I know people judge my choices, and that's fine. It works for our family and that's all that really matters to me.
When XH was the sole breadwinner for the time I was off after DS was born, I felt this way. I never considered his money "Our money." It just felt like he was working and I was spending his money.
I guess that's why when we got divorced I didn't want any of his retirement or anything like that. Even if I was legally entitled to half of what was his, I didn't feel like I earned it.
I waver back and forth on this issue. Mostly, I'm squarely in the "I make DH's life 1000 times easier by staying at home and if I dropped dead tomorrow he'd be up a creek without a paddle" camp. I know my worth. I do a whole heck of a lot for my family that would cost a whole heck of a lot of money for somebody else to do. Also, like some of the pp.'s, I run the budget. I manage the spreadsheets and am way more aware of our financial situation at any given moment than DH is. And our accounts have always been joint, so there's never been a "my money" and "his money" situation. It has always, from the very beginning - even before we had kids and I was working too - been "our money." And I think that helps. I have no issues buying myself a pair of shoes without feeling guilty, because both DH and I recognize that yes, he's the one working outside the home, but I work my butt off too and support our family in my own way.
But then there are moments where I feel like I'm not valued by society at large because I don't get a pay check. It isn't that I think of myself as a freeloader, it's that I sometimes feel like society looks at me like I'm stuck in the 1950's. But then I remember that society doesn't get to dictate my worth. And there are a million and one things for which my husband is dependent on me as much as I'm dependent on him financially. For example, we're in the process of buying a house. It will be DH's name on the loan, but I'm the one who researched neighborhoods, found us a reliable realtor, and handles most of the correspondence with our agent and everybody else. We make our decisions together, but we both handle the things that we're strongest at and it works out for both our benefit.
And then there's the fact that I'm a military wife and that makes employment for me just a million times more difficult. My field is music - music education to be precise. And I've interviewed for positions, but if a principal is faced with two candidates and one of them is going to move in 3 years because of the Navy, well they're not allowed to discriminate based on military affiliation, but lets be honest, who would you choose in that circumstance? I can't really fault them for that. So finding gainful employment outside the home, short of working at a coffee house (which I've done that too in my married life and certainly would do it again if our financial situation called for me to get employed) isn't easy for me. I bring in some petty cash by teaching private violin lessons out of my home, but I have a hard time maintaining a full studio because every three years, I'm again the "new teacher in town" and have to work from the ground up again to build my reputation as a quality teacher in the community. So if anybody wants to fault me for not working outside the home, they can put all the blame on DH's shoulders. It is his career that makes me having a career all but impossible :P
Glad it's not just me. But really, why go to school and start over if that's just about when you'd be having kids anyway?