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DH's Daily Visits to MIL
I just learned that my husband goes to visit his mother every morning before work. He's never been secretive about it, but it's never come up. When I did mention something about where he was going last week he was very open with saying that he goes to visit his mom every morning.
Is this weird?! I find it very odd. Her and I get along really well, but I've always found their superclose relationship really strange. She's one of those helicopter moms who gets really immature and defensive if she doesn't get her way. But since that's never affected my relationship with her directly I've never made a big deal about it.
I guess it concerns me because it makes me feel like I'm not giving him something he needs. I've brought this up to him before but he says everything is fine. But any grown man who till needs his mommy every day is just strange to me.
We already go to church with her every Sunday and then join her for brunch afterwards, so it's not like we never see her. (Which means she gets to see him 6 days a week)
Am I overreacting?? Does anyone else have this same issue?
Re: DH's Daily Visits to MIL
Unless your MIL is elderly and needs assistance, it's excessive.
I guess you have to decide if his excessive visits to his mother is affecting your marriage or quality time with your spouse and what you would like to see happen as a result.
I think it's a little weird, yes ... but if it's not affecting your marriage or your time with him, and if it's not causing your MIL to depend on your husband more and more (like, she's repeatedly calling your house to talk to him or get him to come see her or do something for her) then I'd just let it go.
Is your FIL still in the picture? Does your husband have siblings? Does MIL have any hobbies, a job, friends? Or is your husband all she has?
MH usually sees his father five days a week ,but this is because FIL lives in the town where MH works. MH gets out of work a lot earlier than me, so he hangs out with FIL until I call him for a ride home from the train station. So while MH is doing it partly to keep FIL company (he's widowed, retired and a loner), mainly he's doing it so that he doesn't need to drive back and forth all day. If MH isn't working or if I get out of work early, MH usually doesn't go to his father's house unless there's a reason. For reference, my parents live in the same town and I usually just see them on the weekend, unless there's an event we're all attending together.
That's the thing. It's not really affecting me that much. Yes, she usually calls him several times a day and text him a few times (I've seen the calls and texts come through on his phone), but it's more just the idea that it makes me see him in a less than flattering light. i.e. still as a 8 year old who simply can't make it through the day without mommy. And it makes me feel as though I'm doing something wrong if he still needs her that much.
She's married (2nd marriage) and my DH has a sister, but my MIL leans on my DH way more than she does her own husband. If she needs something she'll call my DH and not her husband.
I've never really made a big fuss about it because it's not like I have to go over there every day, but I just wanted to know if I'm overreacting by thinking it's really, REALLY weird.
Is it a case of your husband needing her, or her needing your husband and he just doesn't have the heart to tell her to back off?
I agree that it's weird, but if it's not doing any harm to your marriage then IMO it's not a battle worth fighting. If it was cutting into your personal time with your husband, if your MIL was nasty to you, or if her influence was causing your husband to do weird things (example, he went back on a decision you guys made together because Mommy didn't like it; or if he wanted to change your Easter plans at the last second because Mommy changed her mind), then I would say to put your foot down.
But otherwise, if you get along with MIL and she's not interfering with your lives, and if you feel that your husband is still putting you first, then I'd just let it be.
ETA: and ditto the poster who said that it's a problem if your husband is talking about your personal lives with her (finances, arguments you've had, any plans you might have for conceiving a baby, etc.)
This is not normal and it would be very strange to me if DH did this. I have to ask though, what was it like before you two were married---did he visit his mother every morning then? I just don't understand how you've never known about this until now.
Have you asked him why he visits her/what he does over there? Is he going over for breakfast, a cup of coffee over conversation, or just to say hello and catch up about the day. All of the above is out of the ordinary as he should be spending that time with YOU, talking about his day with you, having his breakfast with you, etc. aside from the occasional visit to his mother. Express to your husband how you find this strange and suggest he cut it back to a couple times a week. Are there other times/areas of life that your husband caters to your MIL or even puts her before you?
I don't know how long he's done it. We haven't been married but about a month, and we lived in separate towns before that. The good thing is that it's not like he tried to hide it. He very openly mentioned it like it wasn't a big deal at all....it was so casually mentioned it was as if he thought I already knew about it.
He's very good at putting me first though.
The only thing is that she always insists on having it her way. For example, at our wedding she insisted that my husband come back into the ceremony after we processed out to escort her OUT of the church at the end of the service. Weird. It was a huge fight, but that's in the past.
I probably should have put my foot down, but with all of the other wedding stress I just didn't want to fight about it.
I probably won't say anything about him going to visit her so much since it doesn't affect us in any way, but I just needed to vent/justify my thinking that it's excessive.
I understand needing to vent.
It's sounding like MIL needs your DH to be a significant part of her life always. I think the situation at your wedding says a lot---why didn't she want her husband to escort her out? A wedding is to solidify your husband and you, not your husband, his mother, and you which is why traditionally the bride and groom walk out followed by the parents.
Do you and your MIL get along well? While I agree if it's not affecting your marriage you don't need to talk to your husband about limiting the visits, I'd be concerned about how much influence your MIL has. If it's just coffee and small talk about the day, that's fine...but is he discussing finances, your (as a couple) personal plans for the future, etc.? That's where I would put my foot down.
Meh, I'm not sure this is really a big deal. Like some PP's said, if it was taking away time between the two of you, maybe. But, I grew up in a small town where people still have coffee with friends and family in the morning. If I still lived there and worked close to my parents, I could see myself doing this. It doesn't sound like he has some weird little boy syndrome like you say. She might be nutty, but she's still his mom. Honestly, I think you might be making it out to be about you and making it seem as if he has some kind of complex for which you really have no evidence. I vote to let it go.
Based on this, yes, I think you're overreacting. Why does it make you feel as if you're not "doing something"? Do you want to replace his mother? You're his wife- your roles are not supposed to be the same. I think you're being a little insecure if you think his visiting his mother reflects on your role as a wife.
Is it weird? Yes. Is it a big deal? No. Let it go.
My concern w/ this lies in your comments about her being demanding and acting like a child when she doesn't get her way. The bit out about the wedding too? WHile visiting her daily doesn't affect your life, WHY does he do it? Does he do it because he really wants to, or because he's afraid of upsetting her?
If it's the latter (and the wedding was the same issue), what's going to happen if and when you hvae kids? When is he going to stand up to her and say "no"?
This si more where I'm concerned - that he can't say 'no' to her, and if he can't, it WILL get worse when you have kids, or I'll be you the first holiday you all want to spend w/ your family - she'll flip a lid.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Maybe going over there every morning is his way of "controlling" her childish behavior. He spends a few minutes (assuming it is 10-15 minutes) with her, she gets to see him and it frees him up to get on with his day and then come home to you.
I would be interested to know how long he is over there.
I think it's weird. Does she live right by you or his work? Seems like a waste of time and gas. Why not just have a visit a week or something if they are close? That she acts the way she does makes it even weirder.
My husband goes to his parents' house almost every day for lunch on work days because he works a few blocks from their house. At first I thought it was weird, but I realized that it's convenient for him and he likes the walk, plus they aren't even there every day. Also, my in laws are wonderful and not helicopter or intrusive at all. They very much respect our marriage. It just is a part of them being close. I wish I could go there every day too! Not to mention it saves us on grocery costs for lunch, lol.
It's not really on the way to anywhere. It's actually about 10 minutes in the opposite direction from work.
I guess it wouldn't bother me in the least if I didn't think she was a little controlling already. And I'm not sure if he goes because he just wants to see her or because he's afraid of telling her no. And without flat out asking I don't think I would be able to find out.
I agree with other posters that I just need to let it go since it doesn't really affect us though. The good thing is that I can talk to the hubby really easily about anything, so if need be I feel comfortable approaching him.
I would think you would find out on Sunday if he was discussing your personal business. If that is the case a come to Jesus talk with him about keeping it out of the conversation with his Mom would be in order. As the Mom of a son I would hope the old adage you lose a son when he marries will not be true, but I would NEVER expect him to stop by every morning. The wedding thing was her showing you that regardless of whether he was married she would come first. Sorry, but he should have not have gone back to get her after he walked out with you as husband and wife.
I'd be glad I wasn't expected to visit her so often. I'd be curious to ask if he enjoyed those visits? The additional texting and calling throughout the day is weird since she knows she just saw him and will see the next day. I don't see this as not eventually becoming a problem for you, he just will be late to recognize it as one.
Yes, it's weird because I don't know any adult children who drive out of their way every morning to visit with their mothers before work. But it might be normal for them. And I wouldn't assume it's because he has some weird need to see her, I would assume it's because he thinks he's being a "good son" to meet some need of hers. I wouldn't put it on yourself to manage their relationship. If it makes his life easier to have coffee with her each morning, so be it. When I was a high school kid I went across the street to my grandmother's each day for ceral and OJ. It was supposed to be her (the adult) helping me, but it was really about me checking-in on her and making sure she was all set every day. She LOVED it.
Anyway, don't manage their relationship and this little ritual. You'll need your energy for when you don't want to do something or go somewhere that your MIL demands. It's just a matter of time before she demands something you don't want to do and you get manipulated. It's going to be seriously exhausting when you have to drag your DH to your side instead of under mommy's thumb. So, save it for something important. And don't back down and don't loose.
SIL used to stop by and have coffee every morning on her way to work. It wasn't out of her way by more than 10 minutes.
I think feeling that you "are not good enough company" is in your own head - don't worry about that, unless you want to be a mother to your H, which I assume you do not!
On the other hand, since your H sees her so often, if you are seeing her more than you care for, you don't have to feel guilty about missing a church service or Sunday brunch!
Personally, I could not see anyone in my family or dh's that often.
I come from a super close family who lives in the same town as me and DH, and either speaking over the phone or seeing them quite common.
IMHO the "little boy" feelings that your making, actually are quite antagonistic. Wait until your a mother and your son grows up...parent/child roles don't stop when your 18 and/or married.
I'm a little concerned about the wedding issues you had - and that was just your wedding! Wait until it comes to your kids, they'll have an opinion for everything. There may be issues where your MIL wants something to be done, or a decision needs to be made and its either your choice (as a family) or hers...its important for your DH to choose you; those types of situations are where the real issues will lie if he chooses her. That's where resentment will breed.
When I saw your post, I thought maybe I typed it in my sleep!
My husband stops by his mom's house every morning before work as well. He swings buy, grabs a cup of coffee, says hi, and heads to work. It is on his normal route to work, so he is not going out of his way.
My MIL is a very sweet lady. We get along very well. In fact, we often do things without my husband (go to the mall, take my neice to the zoo, etc.)
Sometimes, however, she can be very overbearing in regards to her children. She means well, but she wants to see them a lot, asks them to help a lot with yardwork, calls too early in the morning sometimes.
I pick and choose the battles. For example, its a little irksome that he visits every morning, but it doesn't hurt. So I let it go. In fact, my husband carpools with MY mom every now and again (we live in the same neighborhood). However, if she wants to him to come over and rake leaves or cut grass I make sure that OUR family chores are done first. When she calls too early in the morning, I make sure he asks her to let us sleep in a little more next time.
So, sometimes she can be a little much. Most of the time I let it go. Family is very, very important to her. Plus, my FIL and MIL often come over and help us with yard work, putting in a new ceiling fan, etc. etc.
We've worked out give and take. When it crosses the line, we find a tactful way to deal with it. It makes a big difference that pretty much everyone gets along too.
Oh, also, this was a bigger deal earlier in our relationship when boundaries weren't so established. It took some time to figure things out.
I don't think it's strange; I think it's great that they're close and great that he's able to find a time that works so that it doesn't infringe on your family time. I see my mom several days a week myself.
ETA: The fact that I see my mom several days a week doesn't mean that DH isn't meeting my needs, which was your interpretation about you and your DH.
ETA again. I just saw the part about your wedding and I take back what I said earlier. There are clearly issues here.
Okay, your response made me feel a lot better
I'm working hard to establish boundaries. It's just a touchy issue because I would NEVER want to say anything bad about my MIL to my DH. I wouldn't want him badmouthing my parents (even if they were in the wrong), so I would never do that to him.
I'm working hard to pick my battles. I know establishing boundaries sooner rather than later is important, but I need to be careful how I go about it.
Thank you for all the feedback ladies! It's definitely interesting to hear different perspectives (some think it's totally weird and uncalled for, while others think I need to drop it and that I'm overreacting).
Both views help me gain a bit of perspective
That first statement contradicts the whole wedding thing. Mommy gets the last word in everything is how it sounds to me.
I agree it's kind of weird but I don't see why you should be threatened by it. She does give him something you can't - a mother. That said - mama's boys have never been my thing. If he takes her advice over yours or sides with her in arguments - RUN. If he just visits his mom regularly I'd cut him a break.
Edit: Just saw your wedding post. Good luck to you. This woman is going to get so much worse when you have kids.
I have a similar situation. We've been married for four years but were together for many years before that so I knew what I was getting into. Because our backgrounds are so different it's always been a bit weird for me, but my husband was raised to honour and respect women. And he treats me really well.
I respect DH & MIL's relationship even more now that I have a son. Maybe one day you will have a son and he will stop by to see you for a few minutes in the morning on his way to work. I think your DH is smart to fit in his mom time (totally sweet, really) in the morning, so he's all yours after work and you aren't getting drop by's from the inlaws every evening!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10