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Dating and "Must Have's" (long, as always)
First off...I realize my posts are generally always long. sorry about that...I'm a rambler.
After 3 decent dates last week (all of them first dates), I'm starting to wonder if I'm super picky or just not willing to settlle for Mr. Perfect.
date #3. went well. He wants a second date...but here is my dilemna
I have a somewhat short list of dealbreakers and a pretty lengthy list of "must haves". From what I know of date #3, he meets all of them, but one. He has a good job, a degree, doesn't make a ton but manages $ well, 50/50 co-parents with his son's mother which I think is very respectable, very close with his family, has a circle of friends, is active, has similar interests and similar points of view on things like politics, etc. He's attractive (a little different than my "type" but he's cute). He's actually a better match for me than the last guy I had dated for a little while (the "nice guy") We had a good first date (went to an MLS game and it was SO much fun but we also got to chat a bunch, too).
The one issue that I'm having a hard time with? He doesn't drink. Yes that's a must have. I like to drink-not get drunk (I can't even think of the last time I got drunk honestly) but I enjoy it in moderation, my friends enjoy it. Nothing makes me happier than going wine tasting and I love happy hour with friends. Last guy I dated for a while didn't drink either (though his was more of a "until recently, I used to binge drink to numb my emotions which made me go 
). This guy is more of a "I partied when I was in my early 20's. ALOT. I got a DUI and I realized I needed to stop all of that and grow up. So I did. I started drinking a little bit again...then I had my son 2 years ago and I would be sick if I was drinking or something where an emergency happened and I couldn't be there for my son, so I just don't. And I counsel people with drug addiction. It's sort of hypocritical if I drink."
Though I think his reasons are respectable, I'm having an issue with this which I'm partly thinking "Um...hello RedWine...?!?! Lame. Get over it." I had a beer at the game and he's clearly fine with ME drinking.
I want to have someone to go wine tasting with, to share a great bottle of wine at dinner, to go to the beer festival in the summer. To hang out with my family (umm...we drink). Gah, I'm sounding like an alcoholic. But truly, i'm not. I guess I think "I wonder if he'll fit in with my family/friends and an interest I have (I truly enjoy the wine making process and have a dream of owning a winery someday). So, more than the "kick back and have a beer" it's more of a "will he fit in?" kinda thing.
Date's #1 and #2 from last week have most of these same qualities as well, but they drink, so technically, they meet my "must haves". But I don't know if I'm feeling the personality of date #2 and I don't think date #1 and I will go out again (though I liked him the best)?
So, this is ONE little issue. I'm going to go out with him tomorrow night and hopefully there is a spark of some kind (we didn't kiss on the first date but I can tell he's kinda into me). I do want to go out with him. I just keep saying to myself "He'd be perfect...if only he enjoyed alcohol". Flame away, ladies.
I think I'm reading into this too much too early one, personally. I tend to overanalyze, overresearch, etc. which is to a fault. I know I should just "let it happen" and go from there. Dude...it was ONE date. Should I walk away from a guy if he's one checkmark short of my "must have " list?
So, SO ladies...am I being ridiculously picky or should I wait until Mr. Perfect shows up and has all of these things?
I'm just curious...do you deviate from your "must have's" at all? Or are you an "all or nothing" when it comes to them?
Re: Dating and "Must Have's" (long, as always)
I have a short list of must haves as well. The times I have deviated from them I was unhappy down the road. You know yourself better than anyone and if someone doesn't fit into the lifestyle that makes you happy then they are not for you. They may be an amazing person... just not for you.
We're kind of going out.
I know...that's why I think I'm lame. So am I lame to care about something small to some?
On a sidenote, I'm glad to see you back around here, Melinda. I actually appreicate your frankness and honestly. Like, "Hey, dumbasss, it's a beverage."
We're kind of going out.
I definitely agree with this. Although in general I would stick pretty close to your list of must haves. I completely understand what you mean though about him possibly not fitting in - but, I would give him a shot and see how he handles himself. You will quickly find out whether its really a deal breaker or not.
For example, I generally don't drink, but am totally comfortable around people that do. Of course, excessive drinking is a complete deal breaker for me (friend or otherwise), but within reason is perfectly fine.
I think Must Haves and dealbreakers are silly for the most part. Except for the really obvious ones like isn't an abuser, etc. When you meet "the one" the list won't matter, because a person isn't a checklist.
There is no Mr. Perfect, there is a Mr. Perfect for you. And if him not meeting something on your checklist is bothersome to you, it's probably a sign of a higher level of incompatibility. But don't discount him on the basis that one of the checks doesn't match.
As an example, my dealbreakers were no kids and he must be employed. I met a really awesome single dad who just got laid off. Our personalities really clicked and I enjoyed spending time with him. I've found I'm okay bending on those dealbreakers.
This is interesting. It could get messy if he ever judged you somehow for your lifestyle choices (drinking), but as long as he doesn't judge and doesn't care if you drink, I think you guys will be fine. Enjoy his company, don't stress out about it now and just see where it goes.
I'll go wine tasting with you!
He's not the kind to judge...and I know he wouldn't judge me for it.
It bothered me more about the last guy I dated that didn't drink. We hung out with my friends once and they were drinking and he just seemed kind of awkward, so then I said to them "well, I can't date a guy that doesn't drink." But this guy doesn't seem to need to. I went to the bathroom at the game, came back and he was chatting it up to our seat "neighbors" like they were old friends. He's chatty and seems like he's hold his own just fine, quite unlike "nice guy".
This + he can always drive.
I know, right??!!
Well, it's worth a second date to see where it goes at least.
But it's good to know I'm not alone in making a big deal about something so small. You totally nailed it why it makes me hesitant.
If it was important to them? Then sure.
For example: I don't smoke (weed or cigarettes). Never have, never will. If you're looking for a partner who might enjoy that with you every once and a while, I'm not that person. I may be perfect for you in every other aspect, but if that's important to you, then you can exclude me. I'd understand.
I think it's hard to "get" unless it's important to you. My mom is a non-drinker and CAN'T understand for the life of her why this matters to me. After that relationship with non-drinker I ended up with my most recent ex who was the COMPLETE opposite and his excessive drinking actually became a problem. So now I just need a happy medium
Yah, that would be a MUCH bigger issue, clearly. I'd choose the non-drinker over the excessive drinker any day. Happy medium is good.
A few days after my H and I got married (3 years ago), there was an incident, and it became clear that he was an alcoholic (not only was he binge drinking, but he was doing it secretly and hiding it in our house). He stopped drinking the next day, and hasn't had a drink since. I stopped drinking to support him, though I will occasionally have a drink if I'm out with friends or co-workers and he's not there. But it's like...three times a year, maybe.
Anyway, I had a lot of those thoughts. I love wine tasting. I love having a drink at the end of a long day. I love splitting a bottle of wine at dinner. I love trying new beers. I love lots of things. And then I started to worry about stupid things like, "if we have kids, he won't be the dad who can have a first beer with his son." Crap like that.
After a few days, it just wasn't that big a deal. I adjusted, and I have come to appreciate the fact that neither of us drinks. It's expensive, it's a lot of calories, it makes you do stupid things, etc. Not drinking is fine, and a relationship with someone who doesn't drink doesn't have to be completely boring.
My Lunch Blog
Thank you for reminding me of Fun Bobby, haha!! I think that's what I need to refer to my recent ex as! (although he was fun whether or not he drank but the drinking was just OC at times)
I wouldn't rule him out over the drinking issue unless you are a big drinker and it will eventually make you uncomfortable. My mom stopped drinking when we were kids, because she saw several people in her family dealing with alcoholism and decided she didn't want to be that. So she quit. Since I was about 10 I have seen her drink three times -- my wedding she had a sip of champagne, same at my brother's wedding. At my brother's wedding she did amaretto shots (odd choice, but ok). Other than that, not a drop.
My family does a huge (think 30 people who all drink) wine tasting trip every year. She goes, taste the food samples, gets the free non-alcoholic drinks, drives us and laughs at my dad and aunt who are two sheets to the wind by the end of the day. She serves wine with meals at home. Alcohol was the biggest part of the bill for both my brother's wedding and my wedding. She has gone to other festivals that involve drinking ... she just doesn't do it. And she still has fun and doesn't care if the people she is with do drink. If's Date #3 is of that school, I say why not?
It almost sounds silly to pass over a great guy because he doesn't drink. But... if down the line, would you start resenting him because you can't drink with him when life settles.
I would try to find a guy that fits you. But I do worry about not finding that "perfect" guy so I don't blame you if you don't pass him up because he is pretty close to what you are looking for minus the drinking part.
Thanks for eveyone's feedback.
It could be not even worth discussing because who knows how date #2 will go, right?
Ooooooo! Good question lol
Ha!! Indeed...dont leave us hanging girl.
BK-I'll start another thread for the response!
This is where I'm at with it. I'm scratching my head over the issue. I like to do all the things that you do and my BF doesn't drink. It's never been an issue and I've never even thought that it would be. We went to a winery last weekend. He's been to wine festivals with me and stands in line for the tastings (though he's nursing an iced tea). He buys me wine and beer at the store. It's just such a....non-issue. And even if he did none of these things, it's still a non-issue. No one is going to match me perfectly, and God help us if he did. My BFF is one of the healthiest people I know and is super into eating her veggies. Her BF won't touch them. They're both whatevs about it.
I'm wondering if you're carrying around this giant list of "must-haves" because you don't want to get close to someone again. You know perfection doesn't exist, and so it's a defense mechanism. If you keep yourself committed to these must-haves then you make no allowances for the human condition, and where's the fun in that? It also means you think you have everything 100% figured out about yourself, which sounds awfully boring. It's also incredibly false, and what brings me back to my original theory of it being a way to protect yourself from ever getting emotionally invested again.
Either you can accept imperfection or you can't. Dating isn't a list-making or list-checking exercise. It's just not something you can cede to your head and leave your heart out of it. We all need standards, yes, but there is such a thing as too many.
My advise is to decline a date with this guy and get back to working on you.
Bowies for the win. This is something I considered yesterday as I was hiking and thinking just to clear my head. I couldn't figure out why it made me hesitant, so that's why I thought I'd ask people's opinions here.
Defense mechanism certainly is part of it subconciously, I'm sure. I'm a heck of alot different in dating now vs. when I was "young and carefree" and would pretty much date anyone that came around.
I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to attract someone with issues similar to Xh and find myself in the same siutation all over again. I've taken a long time to do alot of self reflection and learning from this divorce. I'm so hellbent on doing the "right things" vs. the wrong things and yes, I have a hard time with control. I know this and have dealt with it via counseling. I've come along way, believe me.
I don't want to go through it ever again, so that's why I'm wondering "Shoot, am I just really picky or is it something else?"
All these things are great. But you must realize that you've invented a man and a relationship that doesn't exist yet. You have this great guy (in real life) but you're not envisioning life with him, you're thinking of how he will fit into your would-be future life. You're looking to have someone "fit in" to a life you want, not being open and willing to share a life with a great guy - and see how it unfolds together.
I mean, who could live up to this perfect image of a guy you have? Anyone? I like wine tasting, too - but we always need a designated driver. At least one person isn't drinking, right?
I think you make a very good and valid point. You're right. LIke I said, I tend to overthink and think about too much too soon, rather just letting things flow.
I want to make sure that the guy I choose to spend my life with fits me 100%. I don't want to settle, i dno't want to make excuses for behaivors, etc. I think that's most of us. I'm trying to find the balance of Mr. Perfect (for me) and yet not choosing to settle, KWIM. I want to find that perfect (for me) person (as I know we're not all perfect) but I do worry that I'm nitpicky on stupid things. I mean, there are quite a few of us that ARE nitpicky on stupid things. Sweater vests, letting dogs run around cattle (which I would have never considered, Achase), etc. But they are important for whatever reason.
And I know many of you are rolling your eyes at me going "OMG-what is the big deal?" but it's something important to me and also a question of "well, if they don't drink, WHY don't they drink? And then I overthink it and overanalyze them." But this guy I think has the right reasons for it, where the last dude was probably a recovering alcoholic which is a dealbreaker.