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Future Husband is traveling with a female friend, without me!
Hi all,
First off, I've been engaged for about a year to be married this August. My fiance is a wonderful guy, but he tends to have mostly female friends. Anyways, he is leaving tomorrow to go on a weeklong vacation with one of his oldest friends... CJ. They dated about 20 years ago, and he lost his virginity to her. They both moved to America sometime after that (both are English) and got back in touch about 10 years ago and have been friends every since.
Anyways, he booked this trip to go visit her, and they are going to see a couple of concerts of an English band, and I am SOOO JEALOUS!!! I try to be rational and think, would I be mad if she were a dude? (probably not) or if he hadn't slept with her years and years ago (mmmm still maybe would) or if she weren't single?
What do I say to him before he goes???
Re: Future Husband is traveling with a female friend, without me!
Part of me thinks if you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be together. The other part of me thinks it's totally weird and creepy for him to plan a trip with some chick and not involve you.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Look... I totally trust him. We are both older (30's and 40's)... and I'm comfy with our relationship. Just... not....her. I wouln't say his values are messed up, just what it means and what's appropriate when you are in a partnership.
I need to communicate this with withoutout sounding like a whining shrew.
I agree with this, especially the bolded part. I am sick of people saying things like this are about trust. I trust my husand but this would not happen. He respects me and my feelings, another thing...a married man has no buisness going on a weekend trip with another woman who isn't a relation.
Ok, so have you said anything to him about this? What have you been doing while he is busy making these plans? Were you ever considered to come along?
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
I dunno, Kuus, this happened 20 years ago. Are you saying you couldn't hang with someone you slept with 20 years ago without feeling feelings? I don't think I'd have a problem hanging out with the guy I lost my V-card to.
OP -- I think you just need to talk with your FI about this. When exes become friends, it's kind of a weird gray area. You two need to see if you can find a way for you to be comfortable with this relationship. If you can't find a compromise, then you might want to see a counselor who can help you reach one.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
SOrry, mistake.
Hang with, yeah. Have dinner, go to a concert, whatever, go nuts. Go on a week-long vacation with? Hell no. Inappropriate. It's not about having feelings for each other - it's about behaving in an appropriately respectful way toward your current SO.
ed: That was in response to Calliope.
I think you're right Spidr.... I kinda had a blowup about it while we were out there several years ago, but it's been on the back burners since. Since we were last out, she had broken up with her fiance, and now it's wierd that I see her as more of a threat. Will put long discussion on the agenda tonight before he takes off.
I will say, at least in my anecdotal experience (I am married to a Brit), the Brits are a bit more liberal in their attitudes toward male/female friendships. When my husband was the equivalent of a freshman at university 20 years ago, he shared a house with a group of other students, both men and women. That was common. When I was a senior in college 20 years ago and shared an apartment with a guy that was scandal worthy. I think the attitudes are just different. I am guessing that you have no desire to see either of these bands.
If your FI involved you in the conversation when deciding to go on vacation and if you didn't rationally express concerns then, then IMO you need to suck it up. If he didn't involve you in the discussion, that's a problem. If he did and you objected and he did it anyway, that's a discussion to have and some internal soul searching for you to do. For the record, I wouldn't be overly thrilled if my H wanted to go on vacation with an ex, but it wouldn't surprise me if he suggested it. And he does hang with a couple of his exes without me and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Hell if he's going to cheat I figure it's more likely to be with someone new not someone already tried.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
This.
My bf has a friend who he lost his virginity to almost 20 years ago in college. They broke up, lost touch and found each other a few years ago on fb. They became friends again. They tried dating again. It didn't work. When bf and I got serious, he introduced us so I'd be more comfortable. While they do dinner together when he has gone to her town on business, they would never go away overnight together. Even if it was strictly as friends and there was no funny business, it isn't appropriate. And, quite frankly, I think it is disrespectful to you.
Future Husband has alluded to this in the past.
~Benjamin Franklin
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In your case I would just let him know that while he doesn't need to empathize with why it makes me uncomfortable he needs to understand and respect that it does make me uncomfortable. If I could, I would foster a bunch of dogs all the time, but dh isn't down with that, so I don't. Just because our comfort levels aren't the same doesn't mean I don't respect his.
In a perfect world he would get it and not consider vacations like this, but he doesn't, so what's your next best thing? Also, please tell me they have separate rooms?
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Why couldn't you join them? I think the exclusion factor might sting a bit for me and make me suspicious. If it were a female that he were friends with or worked with (read no romantic history and certainly not deflowering) it might bug me less.
Female friends are all good to hang with but week-long sleep over trips in a different country? No, not so much.
Yeah, I'm team Kuus here.
One of my fi's good friends is someone he was sort of friends with benefits with for probably a decade. I trust him so I don't at all mind when he hangs out with her (bar hopping with a group, lunch alone, whatever) but that friendship is transparent and not something I am excluded from. If he wanted to go away with her for a week and I wasn't allowed to come, we would have to have some serious conversations about that.
I would honestly probably be fairly unhappy if he wanted to spend a week of his vacation time without me in any scenario since that would mean less of a vacation that we could take as a couple/family. Add in a woman he has been intimate with and I definitely think it would not be ok with me.
This.
While Brits are more open about this sort of thing, I wouldn't be the most comfortable with it. The fact that you said that you trust him, but not her is an issue for me. If you trust just him, then you should trust in the fact that if is worthy of that trust, he won't do anything whether she wants to or not.
But, I would not be okay if my FI went on an overnight(s) with his ex. I agree with the PP that said that if he talked to you about it and you didn't express your concerns then, you can't really say anything about it now. If you told him how you felt and he didn't care, that's a totally different problem.
If he has no regard to how you feel about this, then you need to reevaluate things. Were you invited to go? If not, that's not good at all, Travel with another guy, okay guys week or whatever out, but not a female ex.
I would not be okay with DH flying to Europe for a week without me, even if he was going to see a dude or a family member.
I also call BS on trusting him but not her. If he is trust worthy, nothing is going to happen regardless of what she wants. If she could convince him to be unfaithful, then your trust is poorly placed in him in the first place.
But still, flying to Europe for a week without you? Are you guys made of money or something? That level of selfishness would not fly in our household.
Amen.
word.
I would have let him know you were uncomfortable with this before he booked the trip.
I took a ten day trip to Europe several years ago with a guy I had slept with and had known since I was 12 years old.
His wife and I get along just fine.
You know your fiance and your relationship better than we do. If you think all is above board, then calm down. If you feel like you do not trust your fiance around here, you have bigger problems.
Well, she doesn't think it's fine. That's why she posted here.
And the fact that you did something doesn't make it a good idea, or appropriate, or anything at all. I have to explain this to my parents and in-laws all the damn time.