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Okay, I'm back on the topic of the cozy vacation with the old girlfriend again.
I just don't get how people's relationships work, like, at all. What happens in these relationships where the guy comes up with a madcap scheme like taking a weeklong vacation with an old girlfriend? Does he tell his new squeeze, and she smiles and says okay and then runs in the other room and punches a pillow before posting here, or what? What in the hell does a relationship dynamic look like where the automatic response the first time he mentions it, almost before you realize it, isn't something like "hell no; wtf are you thinking?"
I'm just trying, and failing, to imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't say anything when I was horrifically uncomfortable with something, and then deciding that I want to live that way forever and ever.
Re: Okay, I'm back on the topic of the cozy vacation with the old girlfriend again.
I'm with you. I consider us very laid back, non-jealous, but I don't think committed people go on vacation with one person of the opposite sex.
I would 100% not be okay with a vacation with only one other woman. A group of friends of mixed genders would be fine.
But like Wendy said, I'd be a little put off by a week vacation without me anyway because we both have so little time off. The most we do without the other is a long weekend.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Exactly. And I can't imagine J pitching this to me in any way shape or form.
I've been told by a few of you that Brett and I have messed up views of what's appropriate when it comes to friends of the opposite gender.
Well guess what? I finally agree with you!
If he wanted to go on a week long vacation with a lady, who he'd had sex with, I would give him the Michelle Obama side eye. Not happening buddy.
BUT there are lady friends of his that I certainly wouldn't mind him traipsing off for a few days with (most likely just to go visit). And I have male friends that he would be okay with me going on a quick trip alone with as well. Our schedules are different enough (different busy seasons) that it's not out of the realm of possibility. But like Buddha said, a group is much more likely.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
My guy friend and I did this in 2005. He was dating his now wife. I was newly single. Single in part because of what went down with this guy. Nothing happened, he married his wife, I met my fiance a few months later, and all is right in the kingdom. We all get along with each other just fine.
Look, if she has a problem with this because once two people have slept together ohmahgawd they must never be unattended in the same room again, then she needs to address that NOW, and let the two of them decide if their approach to relationships is complimentary enough to make it work. He may very well tell her that his friendships of 20 years are not going to change, and let her decide if she wants in or out.
The mere fact that two people have slept together in the past is not enough for me to jump all over this vacation issue.
::points and laughs at sparky:: Yes because our point was they should NEVER be left unattended in the same room.
*shrugs* It kind of is. Everyone is flipping out over the fact that he is taking a vacation with someone he was involved with TWENTY YEARS AGO. I just don't see the big deal here.
To me, it has nothing to do with the fact that they did it twenty years ago or that they did it at all. I would not be okay with my husband going on a week long vacation with only one woman to whom he was no related even if they had never so much as kissed. He would feel the same way about me and another man.
The OP needs to decide if she wants him to go on this trip or not, and what she's prepared to do if she says "Please don't go" and he says "sorry, I'm going." Given the facts she has presented, the trip wouldn't bother me. But if it does bother her then she has to do something about it now and stop waiting for him to guess.
Exactly. It has nothing to do with the fact that they previously were together. I don't think sparky is reading correctly. We both get 3 weeks of vacation per year. Those are precious vacation days. We take the odd weekend away alone or with friends but I would be aghast if my husband suggested that it was a-ok to take a week of that vacation to spend with another woman, away from me and my kid.
I am reading you all correctly. There is lots of upset over how dare he go on a vacation with a woman wihtout his fiance. (Fiance, is there a particular reason you are not going?). The mere fact that his travel companion is a woman does not bother me. But if it does bother HER, then she needs to tell him, and accept the fallout.
So is it the fact that it's a woman, it's a woman he had sex with, or that he's spending a week of vacation time without her?
Circle one and pass this back to me.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
I halfway feel like I started this with what I posted about Mr. Mod. And like I said, I would not be comfortable with the situation of him planning a week long holiday and inviting another woman but I could imagine situations (few and far between) where he is suggesting it. He gets more vacation time than I do and there are tons of things he wants to do that I don't care about. For example, a few years ago when he went to Chernobyl without me (because he was staying in the UK longer than me and had vacation time) I could have imagined him inviting a female friend (ex or not) who was already in Europe, he didn't but I could see how it could happen. And in that case, had he, honestly I am not sure it would have bothered me.
Both this guy and the woman are from the UK. They both (I assume) have family in the UK. For all we know based on OPs post both the FI and the EX are going to the UK the same week, seeing friends and family and then seeing a couple bands they like. If so, no big deal IMO, as long as the OP had the option of going with and either chose not to or can't, and the FI isn't being an azzhole about it. Now if he and the ex were both Brits and planned a week long vacation to the Bahamas, I'd probably be giving the situation a much different side eye.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
I'll circle the all of the above for me. It just smells funny.
For me, I don't care if they've had sex in the past or not. I don't think it's prudish to think that, while men and women can be close friends, the relationship boundaries are just different. Some things are just not appropriate, imo.
I mean, my bff from law school was an attendant in my wedding. He did not accompany me to the restroom to hold up my dress while I peed. Not because we would ever have the sex, but because he's still a guy, even if he's my friend. I change clothes in front of girlfriends all the time. I wouldn't in front of a guy.
Dinner? Yes. Movie? Yes. Day long road trip? Sure. Hotel rooms? Uh uh.
For me, it's that it's an old girlfriend. I would think the weeklong cozy trip with another woman was weird if it were just a friend, but an old girlfriend takes it from "weird" to "what in the sam hill is wrong with you?!"
And sprky, you and your guy friend, if he were an old boyfriend, were hella inappropriate.
Well, lucky for him his now-wife had some faith in him, I guess.
I'm thissing all over this. I'm not worried that my husband will cheat. I still would not be okay with this.
I know I'm a nest-oddity in that I don't think the vacation would bother me. The bolded above would bother me A LOT, though, and is really more important, no? Because even if my h planned a trip and I was initially fine with it, if I became uncomfortable with it I'd tell him immediately.
I hate when the debate turns into "well I have more faith!" nonsense.
No, I have faith too. I have faith that my husband would not suggest a week long vacation with another woman, and have faith that when faced with my "WTF are you ON?" uncomfortable face would quickly abandon that sinking ship.
All of this. The vacation is not the problem here. The problem is being with someone you don't feel you can talk about sensitive issues with.
Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
I know it wasn't the point, but i'm laughing at a hot, sexy getaway for 2 to Chernobyl. And I shouldn't because that ***'s not funny
YES. Exactly. Trusting someone doesn't mean much when all you trust them to do is know precisely where the line is between cheating and not, and nothing in the vast inappropriate but not cheating continuum.