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cheating or not? (long!) VENT
Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 4 months. Well, a week and 2 or 3 days ago I went through his phone's pictures and saw that he had taken a lot of pictures of his genitals...I also then remembered seeing a few of pictures on MY laptop that he had deleted when I asked him about them. He'd said they were for me.... Which now makes me feel stupid and wonder why I didn't think further into it then!
After I went through the pictures on his phone, I got curious and looked at his sent messages and inbox. There was nothing weird in the inbox but he had emailed himself a lot of the pictures of himself! And I noticed a strange email account I'd NEVER heard of before hungyoungstud69@---------.com.
Well, then I went snooping again. I first got on his REAL email account and there was nothing too fishy, I didn't think. So I checked out the other account and that's when I found EVERYTHING.. (It wasn't hard to get into his accounts since I know just about everything about him and could answer the security Q and already knew his real account password)... He has been posting dirty pictures of himself on CRAIGSLIST and asking for anything he could get in return! The whole time we've been together and apparently starting way before we even met.
Well there was no proof about him physically cheating, since he was using a fake name and didn't give out any personal information but I still feel really hurt. I just don't understand why he would make it even seem like he wanted to meet with these women when he could have simply asked for nothing more than pictures (if that was all he really wanted). He says he has a porn addiction and he knows it and has been trying to stop.....since we became official. I also don't understand why he couldn't have just looked at porn websites (because he KNOWS that I'm fine with that and watch stuff occasionally too). Maybe he wanted to feel better about his "area" and getting women to respond to pictures of it felt good??? That's the only thing I can think of. But why did he have to do this? I mean does he just like talking dirty or getting talked dirty to??
I was depressed and crying for 3 days straight about it. We have talked a million times about it and he deleted the fake account. We even sat down in the shower, me between his legs, so he could give me a back rub. And we cried together because I felt so bad. He says he feels horrible, embarrassed and like a POS....and that he promises to never do it again.
I felt like maybe I had done something that drove him to it all but we've always had a GREAT sex life. The longest we ever went without sex was 4 weeks while I was in Hawaii as a gift for graduating. Usually we would have sex 5 or 6 times a week, or every other day, and depending on the day 2 or 3 times. Sounds like any fella's dream sex life right? I thought so...
So I waited 3 days after finding the account and confronting him about it and talking to him about it over and over again before having sex with him again (was planning on A LOT longer than that but felt like it could help the situation). I asked if he liked piercings down there on women because one woman had sent him those types of pictures that he had replied to with remarks about jerking off...and I asked if he wanted to try anal (for the 2nd time) because a woman had sent him a video of that that he had talked about "walking around with precum in his boxers" to.....I feel so pathetic....
And obviously I STILL can't get seem to get over it. And he's tired of talking about it. We talked about it yesterday and he cried some more for hurting me, but we also got into another huge fight about similar things.
Last night we watched a movie and there was an unfaithful wife in it and he said that sort of thing made him sick to his stomach, along with rape scenes (he doesn't consider the fake account cheating AT ALL). And I told him some things and asked him some Qs.
I asked "what did you change your (real) email password to?" and he told me an answer that made sense.... Well, I decided to see and it turns out he had lied!!! *side note: there were SOME bad emails and pictures on his real email account but all REALLY old and there was also a lot of emails from websites like AdultCR.com and Ashley Madison (stuff he said was "spam"). But I'm not stupid, I knew it wasn't just spam, they were telling him about his accounts on their sites SexMan1990 and women in the AdultChatRoom that wanted to talk and crap like that. But apparently they were all old things from before we even met and the sites cost money to use and also cost money to delete so basically he's stuck getting emails from them forever.....
Anyway, I just don't know how to feel about all of this. It's so hard for me and I'm only 5 days from my due date now! 
Help? Advice??
Re: cheating or not? (long!) VENT
I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but if I were you I'd try to move on and focus on myself and the baby. I'm sure handling the baby by yourself is a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders right now, but I bet things with this guy will only get much worse if you stay with him. You should probably also get yourself tested, just to be safe.
In the mean time, do you have any family or close friends that you can lean on for emotional support? I'm sorry you're going through all of this especially with a little one on the way. Hang in there, and don't blame yourself for any of this!! Good luck!!
I agree with this. This is not your fault, this has nothing to do with you. All of this is on him. Even if all he is doing is what he is telling you, it's still wrong and still a lack of respect. I would consider it cheating and to be honest I would not be able to believe anything he said after all of that. Porn is not the same as everything he is doing.
The best option is to leave him. It's hard to have kids on your own but it is possible.
EDIT Only you will can know what you should do but it just sounds like situations I have seen before and the lack of respect and the serious violation of trust is a huge problem. When you found out 'everything' it still turned out that there was a lot he was hiding. Make a life for you and your child, if he deserves to fit in there he will find a way to make it happen. You don't need to compromise your self-respect to make it happen.
This sounds so stressful for you and I am so sorry that you have to go through this right now. This is not your fault. This is 100% his fault and you need to protect yourself and your baby from his destructive habits.
This is clearly cheating since he violated your trust and the boundaries of your sexual relationship. As someone who has struggled with cheating I can tell you that it is often a behavioral problem that it takes a long time to stop. It's a really bad sign that a) he didn't tell you and you had to find out yourself, b) he's "tired" of talking about it (he doesn't get to be "tired" of anything), and c) he lied to you again after you confronted him. You need to do what your heart & your brain tell you but for what it's worth, here's my advice. Be strong for yourself and your child and go to your mom, your aunt, your sister or any other woman who will help take care of you as you give birth and start your life with your baby. Leave this guy to think about what he has done and seriously face the prospect of your life without him because he sounds very selfish and manipulative. Make him face the music and face who he really is. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your child. Lots of love and good luck. Your baby will be beautiful no matter what and if nothing else you two will find joy together.
19 and unmarried and having a chalupa?
Too bad your screename isn't Trissa19Whoknowshowtousebirthcontrol.
WOW...
You've got quite the kettle of fish here, kiddo:
19, unmarried and you have a cheating boyfriend. As you can see, very very few 19 year olds are ready for a commitment with one person:
I feel like this whole pregnancy has been one thing after another, piles on piles of stress. And to be honest, I think it could have gone a lot smoother if I were single.
A week and a day ago I found out that my bf has had a 2nd gmail account that he has been sending pictures of his genitals to women all around the globe and receiving the same kind of pictures/videos too...
Now a week later, I asked him last night what he decided to change his REAL gmail password to and he lied. I decided to check this morning just to see and sure enough it wasn't what he said last night. And he thinks HE has a right to be mad.
Well, I don't think we're going to make it through this. And I'm devastated because he is the love of my life or I thought he was...and there is only 6 days until my due date! He has been mostly horrible to me throughout this already stressful/high-risk pregnancy. He has only made it worse on me.
I just feel so depressed and like I am hurting my baby boy. I don't know what to do )':
What you DO:
Open the door, tell the bum to gtfo and then you make sure you see an attorney to get some sort of child support from this little bum.
And then get tested. He's picking up other women/men and one never knows if genital to genital sex did not occur with that individual. Protect yourself and your unborn child.
And after the baby is born:
USE BIRTH CONTROL RELIGOUSLY.
And don't go running out and getting another boyfriend, after you've given this jerk the heave. Not a good idea to date anybody right away...in YOUR case, take a 5 year hiatus from dating. Grow up a bit.
RUDE, don't ever comment on my posts again. Thanks!
Not that it's ANY of your business but I was on the pill. I have been on the pill since I was 17. I happen to be of the 1% of people who get pregnant on birth control.
And to everyone else, thank you for your advice and support!
I know I made my boyfriend sound absolutely horrible, but he isn't THAT bad. At least he could admit to me that he knows he has a problem and I know that he didn't PHYSICALLY cheat, it to me just feels like he did, emotionally and mentally. We have been together for a long time and we have been through a lot. And I have never physically cheated either, but I did have some contact with my ex-boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship...
We are having this baby together and he loves our son too. I'm not just going to up and leave him after everything. He has agreed to talk to a counselor with me (although he's scared about it). He thinks someone else's perspective would be good just like I do. I think that we can get through this...
RUDE, don't ever comment on my posts again. Thanks!
I will comment on anything anyone here says. And I am within reason.
You're just pissed off because I hit a nerve. Going to deny any advice I have given you is wrong? I dare you to.
You're putting youirself at risk for STDs; I have no idea if he's had sex with whoever it is he has contacted -- even if he hasn't, he's still got cheating on his mind. Why do you want this creep?
Not that it's ANY of your business but I was on the pill. I have been on the pill since I was 17. I happen to be of the 1% of people who get pregnant on birth control.
Uh huh. And I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell ya.
And to everyone else, thank you for your advice and support!
I'm sure they're thrilled with your response. Keep 'em comin', toots.
I know I made my boyfriend sound absolutely horrible, but he isn't THAT bad.
Oh, no? He's inappropriately contacting other people...so he's not THAT bad, then? Boy, have you got a lot to learn.
At least he could admit to me that he knows he has a problem and I know that he didn't PHYSICALLY cheat, it to me just feels like he did, emotionally and mentally.
Try that he did cheat. That is the part you do not get: if he is inapprorpiately contacting other men/women, then it is cheating, period.
We have been together for a long time and we have been through a lot. And I have never physically cheated either, but I did have some contact with my ex-boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship...
Again, you are ONLY 19 years of age. This is your first bf, ffs!!!!!
Honey, your youth is showing. And badly.:(
We are having this baby together and he loves our son too. I'm not just going to up and leave him after everything. He has agreed to talk to a counselor with me (although he's scared about it). He thinks someone else's perspective would be good just like I do. I think that we can get through this...
Gee, isn't he a gentleman and a scholar. And a Dad of the Year candidate, not to mention the Best Boyfriend Evah.
Your self esteem is in the toilet. Dump this bum and see a counselor on your own. And I'm still serious about the 5 year moratorium on dating. YOu've got a lot to learn and picking a jerk who is broken and not fixable -- not to mention one who has no respect for your --- is just a bad bad idea.
Suppose this situation was happening to your sister, your mother or your good friend: what kind of advice would you give her? Think about it.
And let's not forget this one: dude, really, how many times?
I was depressed and crying for 3 days straight about it. We have talked a million times about it and he deleted the fake account. We even sat down in the shower, me between his legs, so he could give me a back rub. And we cried together because I felt so bad. He says he feels horrible, embarrassed and like a POS....and that he promises to never do it again.
Uh huh...he's crying because he got caught.
Do you really want your son to grow up with this kind of assh0le father figure??? Your son will get the idea that it is just fine to treat Mommy like dirt and that it's fine to walk all over women and treat them like garbage --- because that is what this boyfriend of yours is doing to you. This isn't a healthy or mature dynamic.
There is nothing here to love. Get rid of him pronto.
Why are you settling for "not that bad"?
Most people who cheat are sorry when they're caught, but did it because they could get away with it and found cheating gratifying enough that they will do it again. I do not, for a second, believe that he did not have sex with someone else. But even if he didn't, sending dickpicks to strangers is a version of cheating IMO. I'd actually be more inclined to forgive my H for sleeping with a coworker than for trolling the Internet for pvssy and sending naked pictures to strangers asking for sex. You need to be tested for STDs ASAP.
I think you're way too young to call someone the love of your life at 19. I'm willing to bet you've never had the experience of being with someone who does treat you well, someone whose Internet you won't need to monitor for the next 30 years like his Mommy to make sure he's being trustworthy. You're settling and before you've even had a real chance to see what's out there.
The fact that he is annoyed with YOU for not being able to play along and forget this whole thing happened so he can go back to betraying you is rich. What has he actually done to deal with his "problem"? What guarantee has he given you, other than getting mad at you and starting another email account with a password you don't know, that he won't do this again. He has given you every indication he was sorry he was caught but will go right back to doing this and just hide it better the next time.
And another question, if him lying about his internet usage, soliciting strangers on the internet for sex, sending nude pictures to random people and then lying to you about his internet password aren't enough of a reason to break up with him, what is? How much disrespect are you willing to take? Because someone who really truly loves you enough to be married to you and to make you a priority, even above themselves sometimes, does not treat you like this. He cares about his own sexual gratification and porn more than he cares about you.
OMFG. What kind of low-ass standards have you set for yourself? Why do you feel that you don't deserve any better than a low-life, nasty-ass, cheating scum bag?
Dood is all over the internet. I'd hate to see his peen microbes under a microscope... ew.
DTMFA, get tested and move on with your life.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I would actually like to see his peen microbes under a microscope.
Well, that's 'cause you're Kuus.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
He's not THAT bad? Really?
Even after he got caught, he lied to you about what he new password was? On what planet is this NOT THAT bad?
I'm engaged to the man that I love more than anything in this world. We are 27 and 29. Have lived our late teens/early 20's. Have a house. Are ready to make this huge commitment and yet, if he got caught doing anything remotely like cheating. His a$$ would be kicked to the curb, no questions asked, pass up go and wouldn't be allowed to collect $200.
Get a clue. He doesn't want to change or he would have when you became pregnant.
Just sayin'.
I can't believe you would want to stay with a cheating (even ONLY virtually which you can't be 100% sure about by the way) doucher that treats you like poo when you are pregnant with HIS kid. This is just a preview to a really bad movie of your life, honey. If he treats you like poo right now just wait until you are stressed, sleep deprived, and need him to help with the kid. Idiot douchers like your boyfriend usually are great about finding the door quick in those situations. I can bet money on it.
Why in the world did you post this to internet strangers? Did you want us to go "oh you poor thing?" and that was it? No, absolutely not. So here it is, "Oh you poor thing, that sucks..."
Now quit acting like a sniffling little girl and get real to reality. You have a kid that will depend on you here shortly and your needs/wants or hangups will affect him. Do you want him to see that it is ok to cheat, and treat your mom/wife/females like dirt? That is what he will see and it will hurt him in the long run.
I know its scary but you are a thousand times better off getting some place for you and the baby to be that does not involve this baby daddy. He's treating you like shyt and you want us to see that he is "not that bad".
What are you smoking?
That's how it will hurt him in the long run -- and I guarantee you that is how he will act in the long run. He'll only learn by example.
Either that or he will gladly be some person's doormat --- because that is what he saw at home. I don't think you want either scenario for your son.
And you say "he's not that bad"? The operative word here is bad.
I'm so sorry about this. I personally feel that cheating is cheating, and mental/emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating. That being said, it's up to you to determine how you want to react to this situation. If you feel that he can change (and none of us can possibly know that; we have nothing to go by on that) and that you can forgive him, and you want to stay with him, you have every right to give him a second chance.
On the other hand, if you feel like this behavior is unacceptable, impossible to change, or something you couldn't forgive, you probably need to consider your other options. I am personally probably in this category if something like this happened; I am not very good at the "forgive and forget" policy. However, you do have a child with him, so like it or not, he's part of your life, at least in that small way.
One thing I would like to point out, that's been really annoying me on these boards, is that certain people have a soapbox that they like to get on, and call people out. It's probably not the best situation that you're pregnant at 19, but honestly, what good is chastising you going to do? That's water under the bridge. There are 30 year old women who would not make good mothers, and there are 19 year olds who make fine ones. Therefore, I am rooting for you! Also, it's not as if everyone around you probably hasn't also mentioned the downside to being pregnant at this age. I wish people would skip the lecture - been there, done that, nothing more to do about it!
In any case, everything will work out one way or another. You can leave him, stay with him, stay together but live with someone else for a while, or any other version that makes you happy. In the long run, you need to consider your own wellbeing.
He's showing you who he is.... believe him. I promise that if you can't trust him... it isn't a household that your son would be happy growing up in. (my dad was a cheater, mom always took him back with excuses... it was horrible)
It's your BF... this should be a thrilling time in your life... You need to be happy... then your child will be happiest too.
Good luck.
And um.... googling him... he is on a gay website naked and saying he is single. You really want him as your son's role model???? What if your friends found out and saw his pics? What if your son sees this? What if your parents saw this??? Is this really who you want so badly to be with???? Does that make you proud to be with him???
What on earth makes him appealing if he's putting it all out there for anyone to see??? And saying he is single when you are having his baby???? He has no respect for himself or you.... geez. What a hot mess!
You deserve better. You can't fix him. He is who he is...you accept him for who he is or run now and cut your losses. I don't get it... just because you are going to have his baby, doesn't mean he is going to be a decent father or partner since he hasn't respected you yet.
Bingo, JillShari.
And does the OP's "not that bad" boyfriend even get it that once you launch a photo into the interwebs, who knows who else will see it???
Geez is right. and YES this is a hot mess. Suppose his boss sees this, or his clergyperson or somebody else that should not be privvy to the photo...which is just about everybody????
Not to mention there are all kinds of weirdos and freaks out there. To just put an ad on CL and go out there and hook up? This is risking one's life!
Not to mention you should have been livid as hell when this debacle began -- and livid as hell when he listed himself as "single."
WHY do you want this whackjob?
Tell us again what is so wonderful about him.
We're dying to hear....because maybe the reason he's so great got lost in the mix here.
The OP is in fact lovely, but she doesn't deserve to be cheated on even if she was hideous. He found her attractive enough to get her knocked to the up, so the rest really doesn't matter. I really hope you didn't mean it that way.