Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex question
Is it really an integral part of marriage? To me, it's not worth the hassle. You get sweaty and slimy and you have to shower afterwards, for little reward. I don't want sex, my body doesn't want sex (I don't want to masturbate either). I'd rather get a scalp massage and drink a glass of red wine. Honestly, how important is it that we have a 'healthy' sex life? What is a healthy sex life?
Re: Sex question
I have.
I think this depends on the marriage. If you're married to/in a relationship with somebody to whom sex is not very important, you're probably going to be ok. If you marry/partner with somebody who enjoys sex, and finds it an important way to connect emotionally, you're probably not going to be ok.
I don't think that there is a formula for "What's Normal". I think as long as both people in the partnership are happy and satisfied, that's all that matters.
I'm sorry you think its weird, but its an honest question about my marriage.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
I have just finished my pre-marital education. We had to read "His Needs Her Needs" This book makes it clear that everyone has needs and we are with our partners in the hopes that they will meet some of these.
We NEED our partners to meet our top 5 needs (which will change over time), and if they don't the marriage WILL BE JEOPORDIZED.
It so happens that they know that usually women will have the same 5 needs and men will share a different 5. The top need for men is sex. This is biological, not a fault. The top need for women is affection. Men find affection and emotional closeness through physical acts such as sex. Women find it through talk, communication, gifts, attention and so on.
I recommend you and your husband download this audio book or buy the book and download the Emotional Needs Questionnaire - then you can see how important it is for YOUR marriage and your husband and there will be many bonuses of learning about eachother and honesty. There is also a substantial amount of time devoted to informing women of the importance of coming to know their own sexuality. Good luck!
I am seriously doubting this. Maybe you just thought you did? I just... I don't understand.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
The only other option is a chemical imbalance IMO. Zero sex drive has to be an indicator of medical problems right?
As to the "it's normal if it works for both of you!" bit, I am struggling to believe that two people will find each other who are compatible in life and also both have non-existant sex drives.
This is cracking me up.
Crap...I Mean Crafts
I am also wondering if perhaps you haven't had an orgasm, due to your assessment of "little reward". Not being snarky at all here, but it is just hard for me to comprehend. That said, if your partner is essentially asexual as well, you'll probably be fine. But most people aren't. I would have a frank discussion with your partner about what each of you needs and expects from the relationship.
I normally lurk here but....umm without sex DH and I would have stabbed one another about ten years ago.
I guess if you're both fine without it, then it's not an integral part of your marriage. But that makes me sad for you.
Its just me who has the non-existant sex drive. He would love it if we had sex more often.
I don't disagree that it could be a chemical imbalance. I'm on anti-depressants and birth control, which I know contribute to lack of sex drive.
You need to see someone--probably both a medical doctor and a psychiatric doctor. Different people have different sex drives but have zero interest probably indicates a medical problem, and your meds may need to be changed. Describing sex as slimy and a hassle also make me wonder if there are some mental hang ups too.
I think you can probably have a healthy marriage without a lot of sex if both partners have low drives, but since your partner would love more sex, it's probably going to cause problems in the relationship.
If you're on anti-depressants on birth control, that's almost definitely the problem. You really need to speak to your doctor and therapist about this.
You may be able to change your meds and find a combo that doesn't eradicate your drive. But it would also probably help to just fake it until you make it. You're likely to get into the mood if you just get started.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
very important.
I rarely shower afterwards, we take turns so that one of us doesn't get all tired and sweaty.
oh my gawwwd. Are you for serious?
I can't wait for DH to get home tonight, so I can tell him to buy me a bunch of useless shyt, so that he will be meeting my needs.
This sounds almost like a marriage between a sexual person and an asexual person. Had you wanted sex before the medications, or have you always been this way?
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Honestly, there's no such thing as one kind of "healthy" sex life. If you and your husband are happy with not having sex very often (you don't say how he feels), then that's healthy for you.
HOWEVER. If he's not happy having sex as little as you would like, maybe you need to try some other things. There might be something that you haven't tried yet that you might end up really liking. It sounds like what you really want is closeness, so if I were you, I would go for the more intimate positions and go very, very slowly. And even if you don't end up loving anything, if you don't hate it and it's not traumatic, if your husband needs it, I would say it would be healthier to do it for him once in a while. There's huge value in doing something just for him. As long as you don't feel put upon and he's satisfied, I'd say you're doing well
And who knows, maybe he's totally happy with your libido and all of this is irrelevant!
Good luck!
Hah. Never mind, I hadn't read the whole thread before posting--silly me. Definitely look into changing your meds, especially if it wasn't always this way. Maybe non-hormonal birth control would help, but from what I understand, anti-depressants are the more reliable libido killers.
Sorry for not reading through!
I can see not wanting sex, and I don't think orgasms are even part of it. I think feeling attractive and having a partner who makes you feel attractive (like, he wants you in an animal way, RAWR) is a much bigger factor than if you've ever had an orgasm or not. I know when I had a bad body image and was on libido killing BC, I didn't care much about sex.
You just make a few changes and it's like a whole new world.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
If you don't have sex with your husband, what makes your relationship with him different than your relationships with anyone else?
And yes. It's important.
Is this a joke? Because I don't understand what you're saying. Like at all.
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
-I've never had a high libido, and when we got married, he said sex wasn't very important to him. I don't like oral sex. Hed be more than happy to help out there.
-I have asked if he wants more sex, he does, but he would rather me be happy than have sex just because he wants it. Most of the time we have sex it's because I feel bad he's not getting any. He never pressures me into it though.
-either I have a tiny hooha or he's too big, because it's a PITA, even with lube.
-we have a happy marriage. We don't fight often or want to stab each other? Sex is not the glue that holds us together. I also don't think sex is the only difference between a relationship with a spouse and everyone else. That's ridiculous.