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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Brand New to this & seeking some advice
Hi everyone!
I'm 24, my boyfriend turns 22 in a few weeks. We've been together 14 months.
Basically, I live on my own, pay all my own bills, etc. and he still technically lives with his dad. But... he stays 4-5 nights a week, and has for about a year. Sometimes he's very good about picking up the house, and sometimes he just doesnt do anything. We've had some discussions about housework which seem to go no-where. Am I crazy to think that he should contribute by doing chores (since he can't afford to money-wise), since I pay for EVERYTHING at my apartment? Thoughts?
Re: Brand New to this & seeking some advice
Have you sat down and discussed the fact that he's staying there for 4-5 nights a week (practically living with you, and that THIS is why you feel he should be helping out around the house/ groceries?
You can't split things 50-50 since he's obviously not actually living there but you can start making a plan.
It's hard though, I mean it's not his place. He's still just a house guest.
I wrote a note and left it for him yesterday morning, outlining my feelings of resentment and how I feel he needs to contribute. Basically last night he got pissy over the phone, refused to come over and talk in person, and called me "childish" for writing a note instead of talking. This isn't the first or second or third discussion we've had about it.
Even if I'm a guest at someone's home for a short time, I make sure to clean up after myself and pitch in for groceries, etc. A longer term guest should be doing at least that if not more.
I agree that he should be considerate enough to clean up after himself and not make a bigger mess. Even nights when I wouldn't stay the night with boyfriends I would help load the dishwasher after dinner or random things like that.
However, I do think leaving a note is a terrible way to communicate.
Ok, so he hasn't made the commitment to actually live with you so he doesn't feel the need to help out with bills. He doesn't clean up after himself and you've apparently talked repeatedly on the subject. What is there to get? Deal with it or don't. Something is obviously wrong here- Either he isn't going to start helping out after you made it clear you'd like him to or you're a pisspoor communicator and he's either rude or clueless.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Leaving a note is a horrible way to communicate.
That being said - you haven't made the jump to officially living together and he's already pretty clearly showing you what he'd be like to live with.
Open your eyes and really take it in - THIS IS WHO HE IS. Is this the kind of guy you want to married to and possibly have kids with? Remember- marriage and kids DO NOT magically change people.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Don't leave a note. Or send an email. Or a text. You need to have a face to face talk on this one.
However, I will also say that if I had a BF who was at my house 3-4 days per week, making messes and then not cleaning them up, that would be a pretty big red flag for how life would be if we moved in together.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I'm trying to figure out where this is supposed to go and coming up empty.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I am taking in all of the advice.
To whomever said I'm a "piss poor" communicator. I do believe leaving a note was not a terrible idea, it has worked in my previous relationships. Since having face to face talks hasnt worked (I said I've discussed this topic before), I figured a new medium of communicating wasn't a terrible idea.
To those warning me that marriage and such will not fix him, I agree. Which is why I am seeking advice.
What does everyone else do to make their husband/boyfriend do chores? Chore charts? Rewards? *** when he doesnt take out the trash? Or does everyone else just accept all household chore responsibility?
I don't do anything to make my husband do chores because I'm not his mom. He does them on his own because he's an adult that shares an equal responsibility for what happens in the house.
We both live here. We both work, and we both parent our kid equally, so we pretty much split the housework. I probably do more than him simply because I'm much more OCD about cleaning, and I'm not going to expect him to clean something the way I want it cleaned.
What people are trying to make you understand is that if he is not interested in helping now, he's probably not ever going to be, regardless of how many rewards you give him for being a good little boy.
Seriously? Is he 5? My husband is an adult. He picks up after himself, does his own laundry, helps with the kid, etc. because they are his responsibilities too, not just mine. We also have an understanding that if I cook, he does the dishes or vise-versa. I am a little more OCD about cleaning than him too, but he knows this and will ask if there is anything I would like him to do. No rewards or bitching necessary.
2/20/2011
This is pretty much exactly our setup. Also, I do the laundry because he tends to ruin my clothes.
Yeah. We each do our own laundry too, but either of us will do household laundry or Delilah's laundry. He's pretty careful when it comes to those now after he ruined our tablecloth by washing it with a red couch pillow.
2/20/2011
Nothing. He's an adult and does his own chores. We do have an agreement with chores the other hates. Like I hate dishes, he hates laundry. So I do laundry and he does the dishes. But basically the chores just get done by whoever is home at the time. Usually on Sunday we will do some cleaning. Are there times when the house gets a mess? Sure, we both work and are busy and sometimes we don't get to the cleaning as much as we would liked. What happens then is one of us will say "wow we need to clean", the other agrees and we just do it.
I think part of the problem here is that he still lives at home and I'm guessing has never NOT lived at home. So therefore he has never cleaned up after himself or taken care of his own place.
Very off topic...
but what does DH, DS, and all these other abbrivations stand for? Is there like, a list or something?
I couldnt find a topic about message board help... so I posted it here.
If he doesn't want to do chores around the house, you can't make him. You're not his mother.
What the other ladies are getting at when they say that their DHs are adults and clean up after themselves is that you don't have to settle for a messy child. This is what dating is for--to find out if the guy is lazy and inconsiderate, and if so, you can dump him for a grownup.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And....scene.
All of this. My husband doesn't need any incentive or to be told - he does it because is a responsible adult. I've dated guys in the past who wouldnt even clean their own place... That pretty much told me that they werent mature enough and why would I waste my time.
I'm quoting myself here as I am the one you think stated you were a pisspoor communicator because you left a note. Not what I meant, although I think leaving a note is a bit silly and semi-motherly. I'm saying either he hears you loud and clear on how you feel about this and is ignoring you or you stink at communicating your needs to him and therefore he has no clue what you really want.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
This hurts my head.
Who is convincing you to do chores? Who is giving you rewards or ranting when you don't do your share?
"Does everyone just accept all household chore responsibility?" I can tell you with complete confidence that the answer is a resounding NO.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Okay, so what I'm understanding here is that you've already talked with him about this to his face, and then he still ignored you and you're still doing everything so that you don't have to feel like you live in squalor, so you thought you'd try another means of communication so you'd be sure he understands what's wrong, and then he got mad at you.
I've got some advice for you. It's going to make your life a lot easier:
When someone is treating you like shiit, and you try to talk to them about it and they ignore you, and then you tell them in some other way and they get mad at you, YOU DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND TAKE IT. BREAK UP WITH THIS FUCCKING LOSER WHO IS FREELOADING OFF YOU AND EXPECTS YOU TO FEED HIM AND CLEAN UP AFTER HIM LIKE YOU'RE HIS MOM.
There are men who pitch in to help with housework, with child care, with grocery shopping, with dinner making, even when they're really fuccking busy themselves. Don't put up with someone who treats you poorly. Move on. Find someone better.
My husband didn't realize all the things he was doing, because he was just used to living a certain way. I'm a huge mess maker when it comes to our room, but I'm kind of hypervigilant other things. He likes the room to be clean, but not so much other things. I sat down and told him that I think we need to each have certain responsibilites. I'll clean up the room and do dishes and some of the laundry as long as he takes out the trash, picks up his clutter, and vacuums when he tracks mud in on his boots. I doubt your boyfriend would enjoy it if you just stopped doing any chores, so you may have to live in a pigsty for a couple days to get the point across that you both need to contribute or you'll both be miserable.
Also, I'm a noob too, and I found this link very helpful with all the abbreviations:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/blogs/thenestcommunity/pages/the-nest-community-glossary.aspx
It can also be found in the "my boards" section on the bottom, and it's the nest board glossary.
I hope the "Quote" button worked right...I've never used it!
My husband can be a complete man-child when it comes to doing housework! It has been like living with a 15 year old since I moved in! We have worked on it, but talking about it never helped. Then I would just keep reminding him to do stuff, like "Do the dishes tonight before you go to bed" but I would just have to repeat myself countless times...and most of the time, it still wouldn't get done.
Things have gotten better now - at least, it's a process! He's pitching in a lot more...what I am doing is doing the chores WITH him. So instead of "Do the dishes before bed", it's "Honey, I'm about to go to sleep, let's pick up the dinner dishes really quick." Then we help each other out. So tomorrow, when we need to clean the bathrooms, it's going to be "We need to clean the bathrooms...will you clean the toilets while I clean the shower?" That gets the job done. Doing it together helps motivate him, and he shares fairly equally in around the house responsibility.