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Help! I think my boyfriend of 7 years is going to propose but I'm not sure if I'm ready!
So me and my boyfriend dated all through High School. We have were inseparable since we met at 13 years old. First as friends, then as we got older we started dating. We practically grew up together. We are very very different but in high school it never mattered. I am very outgoing, social and motivated. He is quiet and introverted, a little socially awkward even, but handsome, athletic, and sweet as can be. Everyone always new we would end up together and don't get me wrong, I love him soooo much! But things are getting real now.
When we graduated high school, we both took different routes. I have always been very diligent about my academics, so I graduated top of my class and went to a good college in Chicago, about an hour from my home town. He, on the other hand, was not too interested in school, he began to make an effort because I encouraged him. Anyway, he decided he would join the Marine Corps, so I thought this would maybe give him the opportunity to start on a career, but for the first year after high school he didn't do much. He said he would join the military but he just moved around from his parents' to his brother's place and took up random jobs. This kind of disappointed me because I felt like he gave up and I didn't want to be with someone who has no ambition or drive to succeed. I don't want to sound stuck up or anything but I just thought he was better than that. The point is, we ended up breaking up for about a year.
During that year we kept in touch because we just couldn't completely stay away from each other after so long. I met other guys, went on some dates but nothing serious, I was just having me time and hanging out with friends. He says he didn't do much during this year either, just party, work here and there but no relationships. He kept trying to get me back but I didn't want to go back to the same problem. After some time he decided to move to Houston, TX with his parents. I was kind of sad because I would definitely miss him but I figured it would be better for the both of us.
Later that year, he told me he had finally enlisted and would leave within a month, so he wanted to come visit me and say bye before he left. He came and we kind of fell back into our old ways... he stayed over at my place the whole time but we never really agreed on getting back together or even talked about it, but eventually he left and while he was in boot camp we wrote to each other frequently and acted like if we were dating...
When he came back from boot camp my sophomore year, he totally blew me away! He was a changed man! He was so confident and determined, disciplined and just so dreamy. I fell for him once again and he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I of course said yes! He ended up getting placed in the reserves side of the Marines, so he could live wherever he wanted to but go to drill once a month and 2 week in the summer and obviously be ready to be deployed at anytime. After boot camp he left again for another 3 months or so and we kept our relationship going. His new personality just kept me crazy for him.
When he came back, he said he either had to stay in Texas with his parents or find a place he could afford in Chicago and since I was looking for a new roommate, we decided to move in together. Yea I know we are young but it worked out for both of us financially. We have been living together for more than a year now and to be honest, my parents have no clue! Yea, crazy... but they never come visit me and they would disown me if they knew. They are super traditional and want a church wedding. That is one of the reasons my guy wants to marry as soon as possible, we are tired of lying to my parents. Anyway...
When we first started living together, he was really motivated about finding a full time job and starting school, but the school thing has not happened yet...he was unemployed for almost 4 months. I was supporting us both with a part time job and I was going to school full time still. During those 4 months he slowly started getting lazy. He wouldn't help around the apartment and he didn't have a job. I know its hard to find a job anywhere right now but he was hardly trying! I was getting really frustrated but eventually he found a job.
I saw his motivation go up when he started working full time again but his confidence was back to his high school self. Shy and awkward around other people, specially my friends, but kinda possessive and even a little violent at times. Not to me directly but just the things he says sometimes about other people scared me. He hardly has any friends and I have a ton. He doesn't like me going out on my own, hardly agrees to come visit my parents with me, hasn't started school (He plans to though), and just isn't who I thought he was when he came back from boot camp. However, he is so loving with me, treats me like a queen, spoils me as much as he can, respects me and takes care of me. When we are alone, its like the world doesn't exist, like we are the only ones who matter, we can be goofy with each other and he is himself. I have a hard time picturing myself with anyone else. I truly love him. He might not be perfect, but he is mine and he adores me!
My problem is: I know he is going to propose on my birthday next month and he has suggested we get married after I graduate next summer, but I'm worried his personality will be a problem later on in our marriage. He never had the chance to be a bachelor and live that part of his life. What if he realizes that once we are married and leaves me? What if he gets even more possessive? What if he wants to keep me away from my family and friends?
He is just not the type of person I always thought I would marry. I figured I would meet some smart, handsome, confident guy in college or later in my life and get married then. I know, typical! So cliche and unrealistic! But I just don't know if I wanna marry a guy with such little ambition, so lacking in confidence and honestly not very romantic. I know its a lot to ask for and that the perfect guy doesn't exist but is he the guy for me?
I also don't want to hurt him, he is my best friend and I love him. What would he do if I said no? He would be devastated! What would I do? Where would I go from there? How could I move on? I can't even imagine...
Thank you if you read my freaken essay! 
Please help me! What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Re: Help! I think my boyfriend of 7 years is going to propose but I'm not sure if I'm ready!
You don't have to marry a guy you don't want to marry in order to avoid hurting his feelings. It's okay to go after what you actually want, it really is, and what you want isn't this guy, much as you care for him.
In the future, though, don't lie to your parents. They may not approve of everything you do, but it is your life and your decisions, not theirs. Come to think of it, this is pretty much the same issue you have with your boyfriend possibly proposing, isn't it? You feel guilty making your life your own, about what you want and need, rather than about what the people you care about think is right and important.
And, by the way, this:
"He is just not the type of person I always thought I would marry. I figured I would meet some smart, handsome, confident guy in college or later in my life and get married then. I know, typical! So cliche and unrealistic!"
is not unrealistic. This is a totally reasonable thing to want and have.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
I agree with everything that Kuus is saying for this one.
You're telling us that he's not the right one, that you know that. You're listing things that you want/need in a relationship that he doesn't have (and like she said these things are NOT unrealistic).
It's going to hurt him, it's going to suck, but it's better than marrying someone who isn't right for you. (just because you're perfect for him, does NOT mean that he's perfect for you).
The thing is, it shouldn't be that you could see yourself marrying this guy, the fact that you could see yourself NOT being with him should be the real eye opener.
I think if your reaction to an impending proposal is anything short of, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" then you probably shouldn't even be dating the guy. You two just sound incompatible, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm super confused why you think finding a smart wonderful guy in college is some crazy pipe dream. It shouldn't be.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Get out.
Here's what will happen. You'll tell him you're not meant to be together and think you should pursue a different relationship, he'll move back with his parents, you'll find the man you want.
It will be ok. Do not marry this guy. Why would you enter a marriage expecting it to fail?
This is totally true. And that guy is still out there, waiting on you to break up with this loser.
Ditto PPs.
The guy I dated while in highschool and community college sounds a lot like your boyfriend, and my personality sounds very close to yours. I left for Hawaii, and my ex kept thinking we might get back together. I felt iffy about it- he was not motivated, antisocial, but he did care about me greatly, much like your bf. I was single for a while, and realized that there were men out there that fit my personality better.
My husband is smart, confident, handsome, AND motivated. It is not unrealistic. In fact, you are selling yourself short if you think that you can't find this. That guy is out there for you, your current bf does not seem to be that man.
The bolded especially after 7 years.
I agree with this completely. There are so many of these guys out there, you just haven't given yourself a chance to meet them. It is not unreasonable to want that, you definitely described what i was looking for (and found) in a spouse. When you described your situation you described my friends marriage....she is very social, bubbly, outgoing, career motivated. He is very introverted, chronically unemployed, unmotivated and clingy. The longer they have been together the more they have grown apart and the more resentful they have become of one another; she really wants a divorce but feels like that would be a failure b.c. she's religious (which it sounds like you kind of are). I think she'll hang in there awhile longer but she and everyone else know that they're on the road for divorce.
It sounds like you've outgrown him but are scared to hurt his feelings because you care about him. But you care about him in the way you care about a friend or family member; marriage is hard but it is way harder when you don't respect the person you've married.
This was 100% true for me. My HS ex is an absolute loser, even though he is a nice person. He is 30 now and doesn't have a stable job, has multiple kids by multiple women and still never has any $. I dated a few losers after him as well and literally the day after I broke up with one of them and swore that I would pay attention to red flags and not date any more losers I met my husband. Who is incredibly smart, motivated, handsome, etc.
why in teh world are you living together if he isnt the one you want to marry? Especially if he has no clue of that?
Tonight tell him how you feel.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
Run away. You don't want this. You would not be posting here if you wanted this.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Living with your boyfriend is going to make it hard for you to meet that smart, confident, motivated, handsome man you are looking for. There is nothing unrealistic about what you are looking for, but these things take time and you aren't going to find him if you keep living with (or worse marry) a guy who isn't what you are looking for in a husband.
You know your boyfriend isn't the kind of man you want to marry. This means it is time to stop stringing him along so that both of you are free to look for the right person. You don't need any more reason than that to end a relationship. Yes, he will feel hurt at first, but you will hurt him (and yourself) so much worse in the long run if you keep stringing him along.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I know this sounds harsh and I promise I am not trying to be mean, but in my experience people do better when they just hear it like it is:
You are both too immature to even be thinking about marriage. Sweetheart, you are lying to your parents about your everyday life, and it obviously bothers you! You think this guy is treating you like a queen? I've never heard of a king that sits on his lazy butt and expects his queen to support them, have you?
Before your birthday, tell him you are sick of living a lie, kick his butt out and give yourself the chance to meet the guy of your dreams! Yes he does exist and yes you do deserve it! Now go put your big girl panties on and take care of business!
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Lying to your parents is a big no-no. If I was in your shoes I'd admit what I've been doing to my parents. Just because you're old enough to make your own decisions/have made your own decisions doesn't mean you're doing it the right way. Hiding it from your parents is the wrong way.
If you don't want to marry him, don't. My last bf I dragged out the relationship because I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But mistake. Except with him it wasn't that he was unmotivated it was that it was his way or no way. You can move on. It's hard and it hurts but you can.
Trust me, it's better to be single, then stuck married to someone who isn't what you want. If the thought of marriage doesn't make you happy then there's definitely a problem there.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Another thing to think of - this is who this guy is. THIS IS. Your post is peppered with who you want him to be ... finish school, get motivated, major personality points.
There is going to be a point where he really resents that you don't accept him for the person that he is. HE'S going to feel really resentful that you've never been really happy with who he is and constantly disappointed that he didn't change into the man you really wanted to be married to. He's going to really resent you.
And you'll deserve it.
I agree with most everything people are saying on here, except one thing. I think there are obviously some issues, and it's not too much to ask for someone who's more responsible and takes care of you. Maybe I'm not reading this in the right tone or something, but it really seems like you care about him. I don't always feel that the "all or nothing" solution is the best one. You don't have to either get married or break up immediately, you know? If you want to be with him, but you don't want to marry him (or don't know if you want to marry him, or don't know if you want to marry him right now, etc) you need to say no, for your own sake.
That doesn't necessarily need to be the end of it, though. You saw a glimmer of who you want this guy to be after the marine corps, right? I mean, obviously you've also seen the other guy he can be, but that's huge! You can't change a man, but you can always encourage a man to be the best he can be. I don't know from this post if you've ever expressed your concerns to him, but if you love him, you probably should.
You can tell him that his confidence and motivation when you reconnected just blew you away, and that now you're a little concerned that it's a vicious cycle - being unemployed makes him less motivated and confident, and those things also contribute to his being unemployed... I never feel like, if you care about someone, "Just break up with him" is good advice. You've got to try.
Now, if you don't know if you love him, or you feel like you're more "best friends for life" type of people, you probably should move on, for his sake and yours. Obviously, this is your decision to make based on your relationship - we don't and can't know all the little nuances that you make you guys "you". Bottom line, though - you can't say yes to someone you don't want to marry. Good luck!
"Shy and awkward around other people, specially my friends, but kinda possessive and even a little violent at times. Not to me directly but just the things he says sometimes about other people scared me."
Based on this sentence alone (not even including all of the other red flags,) run. Run far, far away. It is not your job to "fix" this man, and the sooner you stop trying, the sooner you'll realize that there are plenty of wonderful men out there who aren't in need of fixing.
RUN! PLEASE RUN!!!!!
This sounds like you copied an pasted my relationship wth my ex-husband!
I'm from Chi-suburbsm he was in the Marine reserves, started going to school only because I was, but stopped going to class..... Unmotivated to do ANYTHING..... unless you motivate him to.... STOP! If he doesnt want to, he wont. It will turn into nagging, resepntement, dissapointment, etc...
Now I mention, again, this reminds me of my EX husband.
Just because you have been together for 7 years, doesn't mean you need to bet married... especially if you have ANY doubt!!! do yourself a huge favor and end it.
My divorce was long and messy and expensive singe I got taken advantage of and got his debts and his car was in my name.
Protect yourself.
To be polite, you and he are not a fit:
I saw his motivation go up when he started working full time again but his confidence was back to his high school self. Shy and awkward around other people, specially my friends, but kinda possessive and even a little violent at times. Not to me directly but just the things he says sometimes about other people scared me. He hardly has any friends and I have a ton. He doesn't like me going out on my own, hardly agrees to come visit my parents with me, hasn't started school (He plans to though), and just isn't who I thought he was when he came back from boot camp.
Tell us again why a guy who is "kinda possesive and even a little violent at times" is such a great guy and such a fine bet for marriage....
This. Speaking as someone who hasn't made the greatest choices in the past, I can tell you from experience that if a man is violent with other people, he'll be violent with you eventually. He also sounds more than a little controlling.
I can speak from experience when I say that you cannot change someone who doesn't want to be changed. And frankly, you're too young, with too much life ahead of you and far too much going for you, to try. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my grandmother, who said, "If a man shows you who he is, believe him." He might be the right guy in a few years, but are you willing to wait around that long on the off chance that he'll change?
The right guy is out there. This one isn't it.
hahahahaha
is this what he told you? that he enlisted, but he was "placed" in the reserves? no offense to anyone in the reserves here, or to anyone whose SO is in the reserves, but there's a BIG difference between active duty and the reserves. and if this kid's problem is that he lacks motivation, well, claiming to have been placed in the reserves after enlisting is kind of an interesting way of putting it.