Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: FFFC
Those are the only three guys involved. The ex was a 2 1/2 year relationship, the guy I mentioned in this post and I have been talking since Aug, although we took a break talking to each other from Feb until recently, and the baby's dad is a friend who we had one night together in March.
But that makes some/all of them simultaneous......
Nope. And nothing I'm leaving out. Sorry you can't add whore to the list of: morally defunct, bad mother, co-dependent and whatever else I've been called here.
Calm down. No one's called you names. People have questioned your behavior and decisions, but you got a ton of support when you announced you were pregnant, and I'd say that the vast majority of posters are genuinely concerned for your well-being.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
You're a bright bulb... I'm not into DP, if that's what you mean. If you must know my sexual history, it was over 2 months between the ex and the guy I mentioned here and 4 months between the guy mentioned and the baby's dad. And twice with the ex during those 4 months in between.
Yup and you missed the point. The point is you were juggling three of them simultaneously, at the time you thought the married one was your soul mate, now you think you have some cosmic connection with the second and the third one you're having a kid with. You're pulling yourself in a million directions emotionally and need to figure out why you're so quick to either form a lifelong bond or believe you have a lifelong bond with every guy who's in the picture.
I would be all about you having casual sex with this dude for fun if it wasn't 1) a symptom of your troubled emotional state and 2) bound to end poorly with some kind of hurt feelings or complicated relationship.
You're better than this ***. really.
I won't deny that the feelings are still there for the married ex. I would be lying if I did, but I have realized that there will never be anything between us, but I also don't feel as if I have some "cosmic connection" with this guy. Are we attracted to each other? Yes. Do we have feelings beyond friendship for each other? Yes. But, I'm not banking on him to be my future husband. The baby's father and I have no relationship/bond and we won't at any time.
Andplusalso....(3) you're pregnant with another man's baby.
We're not trying to attack you and make you feel bad. We're trying to get you to realize that you need help, and we're trying to get you to reach out for that help and get your life in order for the sake of your child.
The true irony of you referring to me sarcastically as a bright bulb? You're ability to fixate on a small detail of a post and respond only to that while ignoring the giant yellow elephant in the room which is why you don't like yourself or respect yourself enough to be happy without a man or a baby providing your self worth.
So in all seriousness, where does the codependency/self confidence thing come from? Has it been like that since you were young? You referenced a negative childhood....were you abused, ignored? Social issues in high school? Long term relationship gone horribly wrong? I think once you pinpoint it and start to work through it in therapy you'll be way better off.
A man that isn't a part of the equation. By his choice. He shouldn't be a consideration in any of this considering he is not and will not be a part of the baby's and my life.
File me in this category. I was single and pregnant and dating was the LAST thing on my mind.
My FFFC is that XH has been so horrible lately that I wonder how much value he'll ever add (if any) to P's life. My fear is that he'll *** him up because he's so messed up. I fantasize about moving away from here one day because he would probably fade from his life completely. I know that technically I *could* move because I have full physical and legal custody.
This is completely irrelevant. You need to start thinking about your child and putting your child first. Now is not the time to date as you please and do what you want. Those days are over. This last thing you should be doing as a parent is bringing your romantic flings in and out of your child's life at your whim That is a sure-fire way to mess up your kid.
Ditch ALL men for now. Your "friend" who thinks you're going to be a sexy pregnant woman is not a "friend". You know it. Walk away from him, work on yourself, and start buidling a stable environment for your kid.
So that part where I said you keep fixating on side issues instead of recognizing that you have a codependency and self confidence issue that needs to be resolved? See above as proof.
File me in this category. This can be my FFFC as well. Except change lately to ever since DD was conceived and we split. I fantasize about moving to the southernmost point of Illinois because I'd still be in the state and Ex couldn't stop me.
Achase - just move to southern Cali - it'd be far enough to get away from SD!
Oh man if I was you I'd be dying to get away from that creep!!!
I'm pretty sure you would still have to let them know if you moved. (Not legal advice). This may be horrible, but your ex sounds like the type of person who will either accidentally kill himself or lose interest at some point when he realizes he can't control you guys. And even if he does stick around, P has you and school and family to keep him centered. Fortunately that means your XH should be a small enough influence that he can't undo all of your hard work, unfortunately it means that sometime when P is older he will come to the painful realization that his Dad sucks. A lot of kids come through something like this strong and centered, there is no reason P cannot and will not be one of those kids.
I wouldn't say never. Once the baby is here, things will be more real for you and him. What if he decides to be involved in the baby's life? Also, your child will want to meet his father one day. Your tied to this man for life whether you want it or not.
You have 0 self-esteem and that's why you attract doucheassholics men. All your ex wanted was the sex. And it's the same thing with the new guy. Him basically telling you he can't wait to fuvck your pregnant self when you've never had a real relationship to begin with is a huge red flag. Of course he is telling you nice thing and guess what? It works! You can't wait to have sex with him. You need to find a support system that doesn't want to get you in their pants.
I already asked my lawyer the hypothetical question if I were to move what recourse would he have. He could try to stop it, my lawyer just didn't think he'd have much luck with that, given his criminal history and background of drug addiction. He would have some sort of visitation that was less frequent (during the summer, holidays, etc). Not to say that I WOULD move, most of my family is here, but it's also an area where there isn't a ton of opportunities for me, career wise. It certainly wouldn't be something I'd decide without tons more thought and research.
Turtle-my BFF is also trying to get me to move south!
I haven't ignored it; I have discussed my self-esteem issues before. My mom didn't want me and my dad was hardly ever around and when they were paying attention to us my brother and I were constantly scolded, talked down to, punished, yelled at, grabbed, spanked, embarrassed. My worth was based on how I was physically presented to other adults and the way in which I acted in public. I was terrified to look at or speak to anyone in the presense of my parents in fear that I would be severely reprimanded for doing it incorrectly.
I had no ability to interact with kids my own age and would beg the school librarian or my teacher to let me stay inside at recess and help them restock books or grade papers because I didn't know how to be a kid and the other children could sense that and were very unaccepting of me. I was always teacher's pet because that's the only thing that made me feel good about myself and they were always so nice to me because of how mature and well-behaved I was. I was never "good enough" in my parents' eyes and I have always sought approval from others even if doing so is detrimental to my own well-being. I'm discussing it in therapy, but there's over 29 years of damage to unravel.
My biggest fear is effing up this baby's life because of how I grew up and I disagree that I am letting the baby provide me with self worth. I acknowledge that I let a man provide that, but not this baby. I will do everything I can to only provide this baby with nurturing and love and respect for themself because that's something I desired more than anything and I never got it. I let myself continue to be physically and emotionally abused in the ensuing years because of it, but I will die for this baby before I let them ever know the childhood and life that I had.
I agree wholeheartedly with this, except being sure she will be a good mom.
Hehehe....I have full physical and legal custody too...and I too asked my lawyer the "hypothetical" question. The hypothetical answer was that Ex couldn't stop me. I think southern Cali is calling your name!
I'm just going to Re-post what I said Earlier:
Like I said, i have been that person, I was NEVER single (oh, i was for a month here and there, but that was it). When I was single, I was always remembering exes fondly. I went to therapy, dealt with my issues and learned not to just put assholio men on a pedestal and instead focus on ME and a guy worth having will come after.
SOOOOO-Moral-STOP TALKING TO EXES AND FOCUS ON YOU! I think that is everyone's point. Not calling you a whore, or a bad mom, or anything, just trying to point out the mistake you KEEP making, rather than just saying "I'm not perfect" DO something about it.
All said with love.
I say this with love.
The above quote that you said? The same scenario happened to me as a child. Almost word for word.
I know what it's like to seek acceptance and validation from men because you never got it as a child. Been there.
So honey, I speak from experience when I say TAKE A SABBATICAL FROM ALL MEN. I had to do this for a year and a half because I was effing up my whole life. I dealt with my issues in therapy on and off for 6 years, took a break from dating, and now I"m finally ready to be in a healthy relationship. And now that I"m ready? I found one.
You'll never get what you're seeking until you're healed enough to not NEED it anymore.
Thanks. You're right. And I will.
Thanks. You're right about the last sentence.
Could be, could be! I just sent you a pm
Look. This passive-aggressive kind of thing isn't going to make people any gentler with you. And people really are being gentle. Relax. And have a good weekend.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.