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H and I talked wow.
Wow that is all I can say. Last night I told him how I just feel checked out and couldn't put any more effort into the marriage. He kept ignoring this and I told him he is in denial and he agreed. We both went to bed without saying much more....
This morning before he left for work he told me that he didn't sleep last night and thought over what I said and his exact words to me : " we aren't getting a divorce. I want to wake up to my family every morning so divorce isn't an option. You are justgonna have to figure out how to get over how you are feeling.@ really?! I am so angry. I'm trying to stay civil for our son but that comment makes me see red and shows me he doesn't give two craps about me. I'm really going to have to get my crap together and end this. Looks like the only way it's gonna end is with me packing my crap and leaving and filing divorce papers ....
Re: H and I talked wow.
Click me, click me!
What a jerk. I'd make sure to thank him for making it such an easy choice to leave.
Hoping you get it worked out so you can get out of there quickly!
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Well, we've been telling you that from the beginning. If you want your circumstances to change, it's on you to change them. I don't understand waiting around for him to be the one to pull the trigger. You'll be waiting a long time.
Stop letting life happen to you. Put your money where your mouth is, get your affairs in order, and hire an attorney. Every time you post (a year ago and recently), I feel like there's this giant game of chicken going on in your house, where you're each daring each other to up the ante. It's making things far worse than they have to be.
Do you need any other proof now? Is this it?
Now do you see what a douche he is?
GET up and make a change!
Seriously.
And now you have confirmation: He doesn't see you as a person. He sees you as, ahhh, how shall I say, "life furniture."
Anyway, most furniture has legs at least, so you'll be fine.
You sound like you're getting stronger by the day. Good for you. Better things lie ahead for you, and I think deep down in your soul, you know this.
ETA: Also, what does "I told him he was in denial and he agreed" even mean? I can understand being done with this guy, because he does not make any freaking sense.
can i just butt in here to say how much i loved this comment?
that is all.
1.) Dude, this guy sounds like a nut-punch worthy jackhole. Divorce him already.
2.) LOL @ Fuss. I had a very similar thought when I read your first paragraph.
At OP-- You'll be SO much better without this stone around your neck and you'll be able to enjoy your life. The best to you.
What the others have said. Make absolutely sure you have all your financial information together before you leave. And make sure you have a safe place to go.
This doucher is not going to take it lying down. That worries me, for your sake.
God I feel so pathetic. We talked again last night after not saying anything except what was necessary for our son this weekend. He asked me if I felt like our relationship was getting worse or better (he asks me this everyday) and I told him I was angry becasue I told him how I felt and he told me he didn't care that divorce wasn't even an option for me.
He got angry and frustrated and told me we needed to figure out what we were going to do to move forward and make things better. He told me that I just wake up with a negative attitude and that is why I can't be happy. He told me I can't leave things in the past and move on and that he thinks I'm depressed and this is just a phase. He thinks I'll leave and then want the relationship back. He dismises my feelings and as soon as I think I'm "done" he says the perfect things.
He told me he loved me and my son more than anything and that he would do anything for it to work and if he could go back he would change everything but he knows he can't. He told me he loves me more than anything and that noone will ever love me like he does. He also goes back to asking me if there is someone else and if that is why I want to leave. When I told him I feel like I just don't have any feelings for him anymore he asked me if I would ever lose feelings for my son and want to leave him too.....
I feel so weak and pathetic....I have my mind made up and then everything he says is perfect and makes me feel like I'm a crazy depressed person and totally unjustified in wanting to not be with him. He makes me feel crazy guilty that I could tear our family apart and how it will affect our son....I just feel so conflicted...why can't I just get it together and figure out what the right thing to do is? I hate coming back here day after day and whining to this board but I really don't have anyone else to talk to...
I don't understand what he said that was perfect? He's made it clear that he doesn't care what you feel- that he will have things HIS way. In fact, according to him, you can't even trust your own feelings. Clearly you need him to take care of you as you are helpless without him. He's trying to compare your feelings about him with your feelings about your son (whut? relevance, please?) And, how the hell could he know that no one will ever love you the way he does? I hope he's right on that one because his type of love is whack.
So again, what did he say that was so perfect?
You know what he's saying isn't true, you have a marriage full of proof. Words do not equal actions. He's saying whatever you want to hear to keep you around and it's working. You even see this, why are you let it cloud your decision?
What perfect shiit is he saying because from where I'm standing, what he's saying is "This is all your fuuking fault and if you'll just accept that I'm a douche who doesn't give a shiit about your feelings, our life would be perfect. Walla!"
And I'm sorry, the love for a child is completely different from the love for an SO. Although, if my grown son was treating me like shiit, I'd put him on the porch too.
Click me, click me!
He would do anything for it to work except not be a lying douchebag? Oh, how nice of him.
YOU are not the one tearing your family apart, by a long shot.
So, why is his willingness to admit that he's totally the reason you want a divorce the reason for you to not get a divorce? You are talking in circles.
Him not wanting to 'see' X Y or Z doesn't make it a reality. Like I said earlier, it take 2 to make a marriage work and only 1 to end it.
How is him blaming you for everything and basically saying you're a sad sack who has sabotaged the relationship fixing things?
No really, I want to know how this douchewad is actually fixing things?
Also, there are some things he can't fix. He is fundamentally a dude who is/had hidden an entire child from his family. How do you propose he fixes that?
And I find it incredibly douchey and hypocritical that he is that person, that he does abandon and marginalize a kid he has with another woman and yet he has the stones to question whether or not you would always love that child (and how is his diik still attached to his person after that comment, btw?)
Which is now reminding me of one of my ex husband's douchiest comments, about how since I promised I would love him forever and didn't, he can't trust me anymore. No really, he totally said that and by not trust, he means that from that moment on, he doubts whether or not I can take care of my own children properly without the help of CPS and parenting classes.
That was the moment I went from ugh, separation hurts but it's necessary to OMG, I WILL SET YOUR SHIIT ON FIRE IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK ME IN THE EYE AGAIN YOU TROLL BEAST FROM HELL!
Click me, click me!
Well, then stay. I don't know what you're looking for here. Your marriage is shiit, you're unhappy, but you don't want to leave because he says some pretty words to you occasionally. OK.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.
What you said up there about your talk yesterday? Yeah, this wasn't in it.
Go back and re-read. If anything, it sounds like he is refusing to apologize or even admit that he has made any mistakes. It sounds like he is putting all the blame on you because you just can't get over it. Right? Isn't that what he means by living in the past?
Has something changed recently that you are not acknowledging?
If you allow your happiness to be dictated by another and you don't take control of your own life, then he is right. You will not be happy. Do you know what you want? Go out and get it.
All of this. Every last word.
This is rich, coming from a guy who hid his own child from his family because he was embarrassed. You've known for over a year how this *** treats people he "loves": with manipulation, lying, and a total lack of respect. And guess what? That's exactly what he's doing to you right now.
Why you'd ever think he might change is beyond me.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I asked him if he really told his parents and he confessed he told his mom but not his dad. He used their poor health and a 24 hour plane ride as the excuse and then tried to divert the conversation back to my "depression." He even had Depression and anxiety for dummies on his i pad and was trying to diagnose me with the criteria for depression....
Even though most of you ladies probably think I don't have a backbone I do appreciate all the sound advice because I'm not getting it anywhere else...
He's so over the top of emotionally abusive. Why are you waiting for a magic lightbulb moment that this is a horrible situation, for you AND your son? Did you think about the fact that he might use the same manipulative tactics on your son some day? This will bite your family in the ass, over and over. He will not change.
You've come back here because you heard truth in the advice from before. So, USE IT.
I want you to Google the term "gaslighting". I have a feeling it'll hit close to home.
And, yeah, no shiit you're depressed. If you leave him, it'll be amazing how quickly that will change. Someone has that in their siggy actually - before you diagnose yourself as depressed, first check to make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by azzholes.
Eww. What a diick. He is feeding you typical bullshiit. Don't buy into it.
I truly hope he is right. Because his "loving you like he does" is not love. Let me repeat that: it is not love. I truly hope that you find the inner strength to do what is best for you and for your son and leave him. You deserve better than him. You son deserves better than to be brought up believing that the way your DH treats you is acceptable.
Someone that loves you would care, deeply, about how you feel. They would be willing to do anything to help you. They would not be using a mental illness against you and blaming their shortcomings on you. They would not be making you feel pathetic, guilty, or weak.
He isn't scared you will leave and want to come back. He is scared that you will leave and realize that you could never put up with his type of "love" again.