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Does anyone else's husband or guy do this?
So my fiance works all week long and I stay at home with our 1.5 yr old. He spends all his time golfing. He is in a golf league that he plays every thursday (which is fine). He golfs about 3 times a week and never spends time with me or our son. He left at 9 am this morning and now it is 9pm. I called him about 5 to see where he was at he said a bar. He is a horrible drinker and can never just have one. He will come home drunk and start a huge fight. Am i overreacting on this. He is driving me nuts
Re: Does anyone else's husband or guy do this?
No. MH does not do this. He is a grown-up. Sounds like you guys need a chat about responsibilites and expectations. There's nothing wrong with having a hobby you enjoy- everyone should have that. But when you decide to have a child you can't just do shiit whenever you want.
Sounds like he also has a drinking problem. You have a lot of issues you need to work out. If someone answered, yes my husband/fiance does this too would that make you feel better or make it alright? Because if my husband was acting like an a$$hole, I wouldn't care how many other a$$holes there are out there, only the one I have to deal with.
You plan on marrying an alcoholic and drunkard?
WHY?
And you find nothing at all wrong with the fact that he's driving drunk. Lady, are you nuts? Suppose he gets into an accident and hurts or kills somebody else or himself?
You are not married to this guy. Tell him this is over because he's a drunk. Get an attorney to make sure you get child support...
Cut your losses and go. His drinking won't magically end once you say I DO.
And get yourself to AlAnon. Stat.
I will also bet donuts to dollars that there may be other women involved. He shuts his phone off? Gee, great.
Cute that you have been putting up with this for over a year and a half:
I told s/o that he could go to a basketball game with his friend. I figured he would be gone for a few hours. Well it is now 2:30 am. The game ended at 11pm. I called him several times and no answer. I just found out that he is downtown at a club. I am so mad. I have a right to be mad right ladies?
And tonight was his night to be up with lo so i could sleep.
Im guessing he is trashed and he will not be touching lo when he gets home
Leave this piece of drunk deadweight. And therapy for yourself. Like, yesterday.
No, my H does not does this. Because if he did I'd dump his sorry_ass.
It seriously sounds like your FI has a drinking problem. I'd demand (yes, demand) that he seek counseling and at LEAST attend AA meetings.
And really? Don't marry this guy if he doesn't turn his life around. You and your son deserve better.
your FI is a drunk and an a$$. please get rid of him before he hurts the baby. do you really want someone like that around your kid?
i cannot even imagine my husband behaving this way.
No, my husband does not do this. My ex-husband does, but not to me anymore.
How long do you want to put up with this treatment? Having a "right to be mad" doesn't mean anything unless you act on it.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
AA will work -- if he has that rock bottom moment and he realizes he needs help...for himself. Not for his wife or kiddo: for himself.
And really: he is gone for 12 hours? No decent family man is gone for 12 hours at a clip; the OP has been bearing witness to this kind of behavior for a year and a half. Why??
No decent family man drinks like a frat boy and no decent family man shuts his phone off and stays out until all hours of the night.Get rid of him, stat.
No my H doesn't act like an immature douchebag with a drinking problem.
Do not marry your FI unless your current life is what you want the rest of your life to be like. Unless, of course your FI agrees to counseling and AA and then follows through on both. If still plan on marrying him wait until he can show you he's serious about changing his behavior by actually changing his behavior (and attending AA & counseling) for a long time period. A year at least.
For me though if I wasn't already married to him (as you aren't) I'd get out of the relationship and get child support. Life is too short to deal with that crap especially if you don't have to.
We don't have kids yet, but I can tell you already that no, DH does not leave to go have "me time" for 12 hours and then stop answering my calls/texts with a last known location being a bar.
And if he was doing that before we got married, kid or not, there never would have been a wedding.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
No, my husband does not do any of this. No decent man worth marrying does.
Dump him. Get child support and counseling for yourself. Life is too short to wait for this sorry excuse for a man to come home. If you stay with him you will spend your life waiting to be treated right. Do you want that?
No, my FI doesn't do this. He did sometimes drink too much, but this issue has been addressed and both of us are doing the hard work to put a stop to it (AA, Al-Anon, individual therapy, couples therapy). He gives 110% effort and has since we talked about it months ago. He does not go out with friends like that, doesn't go out to clubs until the wee hours of the morning, he doesn't shut his phone off so I can get ahold of him (he doesn't even have a lock on his phone), he doesn't leave me and certainly not myself and a baby at home for 12-hour chunks of time, and we make time to spend with one another.
What your FI does is NOT normal and while I think you should attempt a come-to-Jesus talk with him, I think you should possibly do this after you have seen a therapist and/or gone to Al-Anon. When you set your boundaries, you have to be 110% willing and committed to enforcing those boundaries. You can't say, "I will not allow alcohol in MY home. If you come home drunk one more time, I will make sure that you no longer have a way into our home until you are willing to get help and show me you are doing the work," if you're not planning on following through with it or know you might cave. He will only be shown more and more that he can do whatever he wants and your threats are empty. I think it might be best if you get guidance from an addiction therapist (LCDC or an LPC) before you proceed with that talk. You're only going to get one crack at it, and you want to make sure that you are providing an effective of a message to him as you possibly can. It may still go in one ear and out the other, but you will know that you did everything you could to be heard.
It does not, unfortunately, sound like that message is going to be well-received unless you are really set on throwing down some good boundaries for yourself. As long as the system works for him, there's no reason for him to stop. And right now it works. He can go out, get plastered with his friends and possibly other women (turning his phone off wigs me out), stay out till whenever he wants, shut you out by turning his phone off, not come home when promised, and leave all his responsibilities behind because you'll take care of it and everything will be just the way it was tomorrow. You might be angry with him, but he doesn't really care about that. Life is still going on as normal, and with that being the case, why should he change?
I hope he is receptive, but in the event that he is not, you need to get out of there. Now. You and your little one deserve far better than what he's giving you. Thank god you aren't married yet.
You look really young. How old are the two of you? Your FI sounds really immature and not someone whose ready to be a husband, much less a father. And the drinking.... well, everyone else has covered that. But he has a problem.
I don't know why you'd want to stay w/ him. He clearly doesnt put you or your LO first.
And I hate to say it- I fully agree w/ others who said this - I'd bet you anything there are other women.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
OOOh I know, have another baby with this loser, that will make him
come to his senses.
No, but I'm not married to an alcoholic. My husband lives for our son and chooses to forgo a lot of "free time" to spend time with our child. Which is what a dad should do.
I beg of you, do not marry this man. It will only get worse. I absolutely promise you. It will get so much worse.
Do you really want a loser who drinks to excess to be the absent father to your son? I think he deserves better.
Not to mention this loser has also gifted his son with the gift of addictive pesonality.
Alcoholism and addiction is worsened if a parent has an addiction. Your son may not grow up to be an alcoholic but the addiction will show up in other ways: gambling, shopping or other substances or overeating.
This PP was spot on:
No, my FI doesn't do this. He did sometimes drink too much, but this issue has been addressed and both of us are doing the hard work to put a stop to it (AA, Al-Anon, individual therapy, couples therapy). He gives 110% effort and has since we talked about it months ago. He does not go out with friends like that, doesn't go out to clubs until the wee hours of the morning, he doesn't shut his phone off so I can get ahold of him (he doesn't even have a lock on his phone), he doesn't leave me and certainly not myself and a baby at home for 12-hour chunks of time, and we make time to spend with one another.
This is the only way it's going to work: if he goes to AA willingly; again, he needs a rock bottom moment but it's not imminent he will have one. From what you're reporting, there's no rock bottom moment coming.
You are better off cutting your losses and going; get your son away from this drunk asap before he's affected by what's happening. Growing up with an alcoholic parent will give him 2 dads: the drunk dad and the sober dad --- and a relationship with a drunk is no relationship at all.
Tell him you're taking the kiddo and leaving due to his drinking; see an attorney to get child support payments straightend out....and under no circumstances should he have any custody of the child if he is an active non-recovery alcoholic.
Document all -- for your sake and the child and give that to the attorney also.
My XH used to do this (hell, maybe he still does). Turns out that the bar was his second-to-last stop of the night before he eventually came home in the very early morning hours.
I'm wondering why you feel the need to commit yourself to this drunk azzface and terrible father. You and your son would do better alone. You're more than halfway there already if he's never around anyways.
I second the possibility that there is somebody else involved. What's a decent man with a FI and a child doing in a club? and really, golfing, all those hours and just up to innocent fun for 12 hours on end?
The "he shuts off his phone" is the big giveaway here. There have been many posts on this board where a cheating SO/H/FI disappears for hours on end and has his phone shut off.
It's a lot of damn nerve --- suppose there was an emergency? You can't reach him because his phone is off and it's a constant thing that he does this? He's up to no good, then.
Leave this jerk. Thank your lucky stars you aren't married; you just saved yourself a divorce retainer and the trouble and trauma of going through a divorce.
I'll hop on this since no one else has.
OP, you do realize this is emotionally abusive behavior, right? So, we've got a drunk driver, and absent partner/parent, quite possibly a cheater AND an emotionally abusive azzhole to boot? Do any ONE of these sound like a good option to live with for the rest of your life? Much less all of them. And if you're fine with putting up with it, great, but your LO deserves better (so do you). You do also realize that sweet 1.5yo is going to treat his future girlfriends/wife like this. Do you want your future DIL to have to go through what you're going through? You son should have a GOOD example of what a caring partner/parent. Not this douchenozzle.
Call your parents to see if you can move back home. File for child support. Get a job. And please, please talk to a counselor/therapist to find out why you don't think you deserve better than THIS guy. You can do SO much better for yourself without this boat anchor weighing you down. Hell, even if you're never in a relationship again (which isn't likely, but play along), your life would be a million times better w/o having to wonder where he is, when do you finally get a break from your LO (being able to sleep through the night/sleep in), where all that money is going, etc.
And last, but not least, a "come to Jesus" meeting doesn't involve dragging him and his hangover to a church. WTF is THAT going to do??? What having a "come to Jesus talk" means is that YOU need to put on your big girl panties, YOU need to say "hey assholio, this shiz is NOT acceptable and until you get help/change and stay in recovery we.are.over.". It also means you need to follow through. Empty threats change nothing. Let's say you have your "CTJ" talk and he goes out. When he gets home, you're still there. Know what that tells him? That its OK and you have no intention of keeping your word. Know what else that means? He can continue to wipe his grimy feet all over his very own personal doormat (you).
So, make arrangements to move in with your parents, talk to a lawyer, have your CTJ talk and get out of there. If he decides to step up, great. If not, that's great, too, because you won't have to worry about where he is or if he's sleeping w/ or killing someone.
This exactly.
And the talk you should give him should consist of "It's the booze or me and our son. Choose NOW" and let him make his choice.
And if he picks the booze, you know where you stand: he prefers alcohol over you and your son. After which you tell him There's the door and the relationship is officially over.
The second you found out that this jerk was a drunk, that's when you should have cut bait and taken off. Staying with him was a bad choice and squeezing out a kid with him? Not so smart -- you never should have stayed with him, let alone bring a child into this hopelessly effed up relationship.
It would be prudent to get tested for all STDs. It's very likely that he's been having an affair -- and anybody who is out until all hours of the night ain't doin' nothin' but getting funky.
I guarantee you that he will drink you out of house and home -- the last thing you need with a child in the picture -- and it's likely the tab for his alcoholic pleasures may also bankrupt you: you're coping with an addiction.
I am wondering if you have close relatives who are/were alcoholics -- perhaps you accepted your H's behavior as normal -- and thus began your voyage on the river called denial.
If you choose to stay with this jerk:
AlANON -- and stat.
Be prepared for a lifetime of this bullshit
Expect to see him never. His funkiness with vanishing, "golf" and shutting his phone off and being gone until all hours will be a permanent thing.
Also be ready to live under a real sword of Damocles -- he routinely drives drunk (don't ask me what I think of YOU for permitting this) and who knows what kind of havoc or accidents he might get in while under the influence...enjoy the sky high auto insurance, along with the ginormous surcharge...
And if he has his license revoked, be prepared to drive this shithead everywhere.
You can also expect a lifetime of being abused and don't ask what this kind of dysfunctional household will do to your son. Kids have a funny way of picking up on things -- is this what you want to let him in for?
Don't ask what life with a drunk will do to YOU. Not only will your bank account be sucked dry --- so will your self esteem -- what you have left of what little self esteem you've got right now.
My advice to you is leave NOW.
Go home, to your parent's or a grandparent's or an aunt or uncle -- with no hesitation, do it today. I am sure that there's a bus you can take home or take the car and just GO. Don't stay with him one second longer.
I also get the idea that you're one of these girls who "needs a man" and that you figure "oh he drinks and he vanishes but he's better than nothing." NOTHING is better than somebody who doesn't treat you or your son right. And this pos "FI" of yours sure isn't treating either one of you right.
And even if he chooses recovery: keep in mind that an individual who is official recovery will have a day to day struggle staying away from the substance that got them into trouble. You'll be in on the struggle, too -- and so will your son.
I urge you to do what is right for you and what is right for your son. And staying with this bum isn't it.
Oh Tarpon. Where've you been lately?
No my husband does not do that; we had our fun in college and then grew up. We'll occasionally have our girls' nights/guys' nights out but more often it's lunches/dinners and while we still have fun going to the bar every once and awhile, it's together (we don't have children yet).
I wouldn't stand for my husband to stay out so often that he never had time for me or our future children, let alone any frequent excessive drinking. Tell your husband it's time to grow up, he has a son who needs him, and I'd get into some couples therapy.
Good luck to you, I hope your husband smartens up.
Nope. My DH doesnt do this. Nor did he do it prior to our marriage.
Is this a new thing for him or was he like this when you met? If it isnt new, then why in the world did you have a child with him? If it is new, then teh 2 of you need to examine your relationship to see what is driving him to be like this.
Girlfriend - I think you know there is a problem with that picture. Before I would walk down the aisle with him there would need to be a lot of changes. First and foremost you need to talk and not just one talk but cover much ground with his drinking problem and identifying a solution and secondly spending time with his family. Do you honestly think things will get better once you say "I do"?
You're wrong, it's no longer her decision. By posting on this board, she is entering a binding legal contract that she must do what the board decides. In the case of a tie, the board moderator is the tie breaker.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Yeah, the OP's opening question was "Does anyone else's H or guy do this?" and our answers were a resounding NO. And then of course we added our opinions that we would not put up with that shiit. I know for a fact my husband is not drinking and golfing 24/7 (or ever because drinking and golfing are not what he's into).
Your advice doesn't even make sense. We can tell her what to do because she asked. If she had self respect she'd be kicking this guy to the curb.