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WWPCED? re: breastfeeding
My mother can be really overbearing and she's been really annoying me about how I bf DS. When I'm home or w/ my mom friends, hell, even in music together or gym class (i've seen other moms do it too),I have no qualms about whipping the breast out. But my mom has become the modesty police. Even in the hospital, starting w/ DD, she was all about making sure I was covered up when my dad was in the room. Even at my own house, when family is around, she wants me covered up when I nurse b/c she thinks (I don't know if she's assuming or if my dad has ever said anything) it makes him and others uncomfortable. So for the sake of peace, and not wanting to get into, i just wear a hooter hider. I tell her she's being prude and should get over it b/c I'm feeding my baby and it's natural and beautiful, etc...
How would you address it if someone reacted negatively to NIP? Should I stand my ground and say eff you? I'm not sure it's really worth the drama. But it really pisses me off that it's an issue.
ETA: It doesn't seem to bother DS either way and it's only mildly annoying to me to use, so it's not a lot of skin off my back. It's just the principle of it, you know?
Re: WWPCED? re: breastfeeding
In her house, I'd follow her rules. In your own house, do what you want. In public, I'd just try to be discreet. I'm assuming you're not just sitting there with your boob hanging out, just moment of visibility while baby latches/unlatches and then maybe some skin showing around the baby's head.
Personally, I typically found another room to go nurse in during family gatherings, but wouldn't care if someone walked in. It just made it easier for me and baby to focus on feeding and avoided potential awkwardness. Or I'd go get him set up in the sling and come back once he was nursing. (Did that at a friend's bday party once when her mom saw me go leave to feed the baby and said I didn't have to do that, they were a very pro-BFing family).
Either way, you're not likely to change your mom's views at this point, so I'd just keep the peace. It only lasts for a short time.
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Well, if you are wearing something that exposes all of the top of your breast I would put a burp cloth over so as to conceal it a bit.
I am totally team NIP no biggie but since it is your mom and you want to keep the peace I would conceal it a bit.
When you are feeling calm and a bit detached from the issue I would speak to my mom about it. She may not realize how difficult she is being. She may think she is speaking for your dad and he may be unfazed- coming from the girl with the dad who almost got out a magnifying glass to see how my pump worked while I was pumping. We share way too much in my family
My dad is a big prude so I've never nursed in front of him whether we're in public or not. My mom is fine with me nursing in front of her.
I agree with the pp that at their house follow their rules. Anywhere else do what you want.
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I feel like you're trying to make this a "NIP" thing when it actually sounds like it's just a modesty thing. Your mom isn't saying "Don't NIP", she's just saying "cover up".
I 100% support NIP and did so myself. But, I'm a very modest person and whenever I did, I was VERY discreet about it. For my own comfort.
The visual *I* get when I hear "I just whipped my boob out" is something I would never, ever do. Yes, I get it that you're feeding your child, and I personally have no problem with it and I'd never judge someone for doing it.
But - for women who didn't grow up in a time where NIP was "normal" and modesty was probably at an entirely different level than even where I'm at, I can understand how they don't see it as much as nursing as they see it as "there is a woman's naked breast".
I'm not saying it's "right" - just that I can understand her perspective and I don't think you're going to get her to change her view. As such - I agree, in her home, her rules. She wants you to cover up as best you can? Then do it. Or don't go to her house.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm confused as to why everyone keeps pulling out the "their house, their rules" comment.
If I read the OP correctly, it sounds like her mother was being ridiculously prudish, starting at the hospital, continuing in public, and even in the OP's own house, NOT the mother's house.
Am I missing something?
OP, I don't have children, and I definitely haven't breastfed, but I think I'd be a bit prickly if this is how my mother was acting, especially in my own home.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
I don't doubt you're being discreet. I really just would say "mom I know you mean well but every time you focus on this you make me paranoid and uncomfortable. I think it draws more attention to it. I can do this discretely on my own. I promise I won't be topless at the mall."
Honestly, I think I'd just tell her to get over it. Especially at your house.
MH and I talked about this a bit before we had Jackson, because at the time I was planning to BF and we lived 5 minutes from his parents. His mom is very anti-BF (she's pretty special and thinks that anything past 3m is "DEFINITELY SEXUAL") and would have probably flipped out if I had BF'd Jackson in front of her. We decided that until Jackson and I had the hang of things, I'd BF him in my room if my ILs were over or if we were there, I'd go off in private to BF him. I preferred that just b/c I liked the idea of a break from them, lol. But I ended up FF Jackson, so it never came up.
If you feel comfortable with your process, you clearly don't need to get the hang of it, so I'd just BF however you feel most comfortable - especially at your own house.
I'm in disagreement with the "her house her rules" thing. That applies to things like taking shoes off indoors, having applicable table manners, is the home pet-free, etc. You're feeding your child and that's what breasts are for. While you're feeding your kid they're not sexual objects subject to societal rules of modesty and if someone is looking at them that way then that's their issue to work out. That is what's abnormal, not what you're doing.
Of course, we're in a transitional period where our mothers were mostly FFing and BFing rates aren't all that awesome even in the current generation of moms so it's not going to be all smooth sailing. I wouldn't be snotty about it, but I would stand my ground with what I feel comfortable with. You can explain to your mom that sometimes babies don't like to be covered when they eat, especially as they get older. Or, that you simply prefer not to be covered and that's that. When you visit her house with a baby, feeding a baby is part of the package.
Everyone's different, too. My MIL never said anything nor did she seem bothered when I was nursing DD at her house, even at the dinner table and while chatting. And she came from one era prior when BFing was decidedly for poor people or dirty hippies.
ETA: I just noticed she comments at YOUR house. Oh, fuggedaboutit. I'd have no patience for that. She can leave if she can't get over her issues then. Sorry she is unsupportive
Yes, end of story. She needs to understand she is the one making this a big deal, not you. She is the one making it a elephant in the room.
And if I was feeling ultra bratty I would just tell her if it makes her uncomfortable then we will just see less of each other until I have weaned. It is exhausting after awhile especially when you feel like you are in a "safe zone" to have to be so paranoid about hiding it all. If you are with family you should feel comfortable nursing and that everyone isn't going to freak the eff out because a boob isn't being contained in a bra at that very moment.
I'm totally curious as to the nature of the situations in which she made comments.
Fwiw, I don't see a nursing cover as a big deal anyway, so complaining about wearing one is sort of silly to me.
I can see your mom having *some* point if you were nursing at the dinner table or another setup where people are seated facing you and can't avoid looking at you straight on. But if you were going into another room and didn't have on a cover I wouldn't see that as an issue since you were making an effort to not be seen by mixed company.
I NIP a fair amount and I hated wearing my cover (and after a certain age they are useless since little kids play with them) but I did it to avoid stares and feeling more self conscious that I already did. DD also needed quiet to nurse and I ... uh.. squirted a lot so her unlatching in the middle of a session to look around was something I tried to avoid in public at all costs.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
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I agree with this and is how I handled it.
This is what I'd do.
I disagree with this. If she is uncomfortable, that is her issue. I would not always excuse myself for the sake of her comfort. If my lo is hungry then I am going to feed him- I would be discreet but I would not disappear to the bedroom every single time.
::shrug::
She might be my mom but she's also a guest in my home. If it bothered me and a conversation or two didn't settle it, I'd have her over less or nudge her out the door when the baby needed to eat.
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For me it sounds like they spend time together frequently. If I see you on a regular basis I am less inclined to make a big to do about covering up, leaving the room, making everyone else around me comfortable. In my head, if you are close enough to me that you see me daily or weekly then you are going to have to deal with what is going on in my life. I will try hard that you don't see my boob or that no one is going to be made squirky. I am a very shy person so I think that just goes with the territory with me. But I am nursing my child and that involves my boob. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I can say from my DS it gets old fast to feel like you are having to "hide" something constantly. I got so sick of excusing myself to another room every hour and half or trying to wrestle him under a blanket. I sort of feel like I am being punished.
In reality it just makes me not want to be around you, which maybe is the solution.
I certainly try to be discreet around, well, anyone other than DH or my mom (who is super rah rah BFing). But, I only used a cover when I was at a restaurant or something like that... and of course there is no using the cover anymore wtih a 1-yr old (eek!)
I like the wording posted above. I would not go through gyrations to nurse my son in my own home though. If having a conversation with her doesnt work, I would then just plan to have her visit when you dont expect to be nursing.
Im sorry this must be so frustrating! I cant imagine - my mom and MIL both BFed all their kids well over a year.
I agree with this too. If I am seeing family all.the.time and the events themselves are informal, eventually I'm going to pick the far side of the couch versus the far side of the house.
Now that I'm remembering more, I did NIP right in the same living room as my stepdad, but I wore those drapey buttonless cardigans that you could semi shield one side of your body from view so people couldn't see the goings on unless they approached you directly. This was nice for the plane rides too. But that was Christmas and I was halfway prepared for random crowds to come tumbling through the door at odd times so I was always ready to place random blankets or pillows in front of me just in case.
My baby was insane and did not enjoy being covered so it was a big deal to me. my options were limited. She was an angry distracted nurser. I couldn't nurse in public at all. I spent a lot of time in bathrooms and cars. If my MOM made a big deal of it at her house I'd be angry, say so and try to come to some agreement.
I think it is utterly weird to take a "her house her rules" perspective with your mom. SHe's your mom. My mom had to help me latch and was there through all the crazy latch issues at the hospital. I mean I realize not everyone has this relationship but... if she doesn't have people visiting and she's dictating how much coverage is required in front of YOUR spouse, that's a problem.
To add though, I'd have no problem kicking my mom out or inviting her over less if she was being a snatch about it and I'd tell her each time why it was happening too.
"I love you, mom but if the choice is between visiting you and feeding my baby, the baby wins every time. Come back in 30 minutes. TIA!"
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Mmhmm.
Personally, I wouldn't let other people tell me how I should be feeding my kid. I pretty much never used a cover, and a lot of people had no idea what I was doing.
I don't understand why "her house her rules" shouldn't apply to mom. I'm more likely to respect my mother's wishes in her home than anyone else's.
I don't know, I feel like you are trying to pick a fight with your Mom.
I think if you have guests over (and that does in fact include your mom), being as discreet as possible is just common courtesy. But I feel like I don't have enough information from your post to figure out what is really happening here.
I invested in a few cool maternity tanks, never covered my babies faces and never received comments from anyone/anywhere.