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Would I be a total fool
If I tried to reconcile with my sister? With D's mom passing away and me being pregnant, us not speaking at all is really starting to weigh on me. Family has always been important to me, and if I know she's not quite "right", shouldn't I cut her some slack on being a crazy ***? She and her H sent a plant to D's Mom's wake. In getting ready to write thank yous last night this started weighing on me. My concern with this plan is that I really don't think she's capable of letting go of her "you're never there for me/you wronged me in the following ways" victim martyr bullshit. But I thought I might just say, CrazySis, I know we've both been angry with each other for some time now, but I think it's time we let go of our anger and move on, life is short, deaths and births, etc., but the only way I think we can move forward from here is if both of us are willing to let go of the past, let go of our anger and resentments, and start fresh. Blah blah blah. What say you? It doesn't hurt to try, or am I just asking for trouble?
Re: Would I be a total fool
That being said, the flip side to "the idea that you can just cut off family" is also showing your son that you don't have to let people treat you like crap. That being "family" isn't a "get out of jail free" card for being a piss poor person.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well, you know my opinion is colored by my own experience, but what does it say to your kid that you allow someone to treat you like shiit and just be a doormat.
I guess it all depends on what you think the end result will be. If you think there could be a real relationship, I guess it's worth it. In my situation that's not possible. I can't reason with crazy and her crazy is too unpredicable to involve my child in. Not to mention, she doesn't want anything to do with him. Do you think she wants a relationship and would be receptive to it?
But no, I don't agree with the whole, well, life's too short thing because I live the other side of it- Life is too short to involve myself with people I don't like, don't care about, and who are a$$holes. I just plain don't like her and wouldn't have anything to do with her regardless- I'd never pick her for a friend, so no I don't keep her just because she's related to me either.
You know TSD and I are going to be in agreement on this one. Do not invite crazy back into your life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting ties with family. Sometimes family calls you and screams at you on the phone. Sometimes they chase you with kitchen knives. Sometimes they steal your identity and rack up a ton of credit card debt. None of these things are tolerable regardless of whether you happen to share some DNA or not.
The only thing your kid will miss out on by not having Crazy Aunt in their life are a bunch of Crazy Aunt stories and maybe some emotional scarring.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
And be realistic- if you're only exposure to her is days at a time, and that is part of the problem - then your son would be seeing this play out in all it's glory whenever you did see her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well, I'll tell you what will give you intolerable rage- when you make up, then some crazy shiit goes down and she uses your kid as leverage or a pawn. Or stops talking to him/her because she's mad at you.
That is the kind of shiit my sister would do if I let her. But I wouldn't. I don't miss her brand of cuckoo one bit. And even using the word cuckoo seems to imply her behavior could be kind of amusing. It's not.
Look- some people feel that whole "blood is thicker than water" thing. I'm not one of them. Especially since I learned from 20/20 that sperm banks are completely unregulated and there could be people out there with 100 half-sibs. No, no. It's not about being blood related- it's about filling your life with worthwhile people. I don't have enough time for all the people I LIKE/LOVE, which happens to be a significant number of really cool people, let alone try to make relationships work with those I don't.
Two things to settle first:
1) Is your sister likely to do any of what Cali listed above in the future?
2) Is she likely to accept the boundaries that will allow you to have a normal relationship? Like, could you get to a point where you see each other at holidays, exchange the occasional gifts and avoid the heavier stuff? That might be the best if it's possible.
That said, IME these sudden rekindlings don't typically last long. There's a good chance that you're only thinking about this because of the emotional upheaval of grief and pregnancy, but once those pass are you really interested in continuing a relationship?
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
I think you sent me your rage because I am responding with irrational levels of anger to things the past few days. You stupid whore.
On a happier note, you're having a son! It's been declared by the Nest.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think there is anything wrong with trying your approach. My H does not talk to his mom, but he has talked about trying to hash it out, just to feel like he did everything he could to maintain that relationship. Is that what you're trying to do?
My aunt, on the other hand, is a bag of crazy, refuses to admit she's done anything wrong and continues to lie. So my mom's siblings have tried to make things right, but she continues to be crazy.
I guess there is no harm in trying to extend the olive branch, but that seems like an agreement only sane people can come to. Not knowing your sister, maybe she will initially agree and then the crazy will creep back in. But at least you can say you tried.
I think if you are going to attempt this, it makes sense to do so before the baby. Last ditch effort, maybe? I don't know from personal experience with immediate family but both of my parents have estranged siblings and after so long they both just gave up. I think you'll know when is the time to stop trying.
the only family member I've evicted from my life is my mom's (estranged) brother's son. screw me once, shame on you... and all that.
I'll be a dissenter (and a softie) and say it may be worth a shot. I think you should definitely approach it without too many expectations, and that way if she doesn't respond the way you hoped, you won't be hurt/angry all over again.
Taking things slow and seeing if you can't at least be civil again is good. At least if she continues to be crazy and you go back to where you are now, you'll know you tried.
But you can have that without attempting to reconcile. I see my sister when she decides to show up for the holidays. We interact and I'm civil. But I have no desire to start up some sort of relationship with her. Now, I realize my sister isn't likely to start a dramatic fight like yours is, but you can always just have an escape plan if she does start up. Don't engage. You don't have to avoid her entirely either.
You know she hasn't changed her ways, so all you're doing is inviting crazy back into your life. It's like touching a hot stove and getting burned, waiting a while, and then touching it again. The stove is still hot. No touchy, Christin. No touchy.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Just pretend I said everything Mouse said.
If you do have an attempt at repairing the relationship, do you have a plan for if she is crazy again? Will it build and build until the relationship is off again, or would it be a one and done kind of deal? If you do want to reach out to her, I would make your intentions clear so she doesn't view you as a doormat.
I don't know your story, but I can't help but feel like it's just going to hurt more if you attempt to reconcile, and she goes back to her old ways again.
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to like them.
Also, has your sister tried to reach out to you? If she's not interested in having a good relationship with you, it doesn't matter what you do, it won't happen. You will be the only one getting hurt.
I hope one day she comes to you wanting a relationship again, but for your own sake, I don't think I would approach her.
Can you write this thank you note, and send a birth announcement, and see her at family parties and be completely prepared for her to lose her sh!t and scream terrible things at you, and you can be emotionally insulated from it?
Because you know she will do that, right? She is not a sane person. It's not something you grow out of. I'm amynumbers100% sure she sent you flowers for your MIL with a scowl and then thought, "This will make her feel TERRIBLE for being so mean to me!"
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I may be off, but haven't you tried to reach out and make nice/ reconcile at least once before? If so, what makes you think things will be different this time?
I get wanting to reach out and be able to say you did everything you could. And if you really want to try again, do it just be prepared for the worst so you don't get hurt.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
For what it's worth, I totally get wanting upon wanting to have a normal(er) relationship with your sister. I wanted my mom to 'get it right' for 25 Years. I gave lots of second chances because I wanted that time to be different. The problem is you can't do it all yourself. Its kind of like trying to fix a marriage when the other partner isn't willing to put in any work. In the end you can only improve you.
What I would probably actually do is not necessarily send an olive branch (which she will likely take as an admission of wrongdoing on your part and validation on he part), but also stop letting her rule your choices. If she's going to be at a family function, don't avoid it. Go, be cordial, interact with everyone else as normal. Building up the 'cutting off' in your own head just results in continued turmoil.
I don't know your story, so take this or leave it, but I don't foresee you making progress in your relationship with your sister if you tell her how to act/be/think around you, which is sort of what this sentence sounds like to me. All you can control is your actions, so you might just state this same thing, but in the first person: "Life is short, relationships are fragile, people are born, people die, blah blah blah, but I want to start fresh and this is what I'm going to do. Blah blah."
Good luck mending fences, or rebuilding fences, as the case may be!
Then, when you see her, let HER be crazy. Let HER blow up. DON'T TAKE PART. Walk away, dont' engage. Whatever it is that YOU have to do in order to stay at peace w/in yourself.
That's the thing w/ all of this - this is ultimately about you. You can't change her, you can't tell her how to act. you can only control you. So stop being dependant on her in order to change your actions.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I support all of this wholeheartedly. I do wonder about your ability to detatch your emotions from her, though. I think you've been encouraged to do that time and again, but you always have a difficult time with it.
I think if you send the thank you card, make NO mention of your prior falling out. Just take a few small steps toward cordial interaction. That way when you see her at holiday events it won't be so weird. But the second she says awful sh!t, smile and laugh and say, "Oh-KAY, time for me to go. Lovely to see you again, sis!" Can you do that, though? Will it really not upset you?
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse