Family Matters
rsanna
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
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Re: .
Wow. What are they fighting about that would cause such a strong reaction? I recommend that he tell his mom that he wants back the money from grandma, but after 4 months, he needs to be prepared that she can say that he used it up for living expenses. I would cut financial ties with them completely if I were him.
How old are you both? When is the wedding planned? I need more info on the issue going on behind the scenes to give any further opinions.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Are you getting married this summer? Have they voiced any concerns over the marriage? It sounds like he needs to sit down and have a face to face with them. You do not need to be there. He also needs to address any issues that they may have about the upcoming marriage. Now is the time to iron it all out.
As for the money from grandma, I would definitely expect that back if it was a gift from her. This may get ugly.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Wow. I just read you latest update. I would get the money from grandma back and do it on my own and not expect another penny from them. He needs to get the 1000. left in the back out now and moved into an account of his own.
It does sound as if they have a problem with the marriage. It may be you or just your timing. However, if they feel this strongly about it, he needs to talk to them face to face.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Lesson learned: When you give someone legal access to something, they have automatic control to screw you over about it when and how they see fit.
This all seems very passive aggressive and crazy unhealthy. He has a chance of getting the money back but only after going through hell fighting with her. Even after taking her to court your FI may not get the money back. Fighting with her has the potential of destroying his relationship with his family.
I see where both of you are coming from. From his side, this is abusive, manipulative and down right dirty. But from her side, you two are making a potentially horrible mistake because you are young and inexperienced. She may just be trying to protect the only part of him she can, his college fund.
Why are you two so dead set about moving in and getting married so early in life? Why are they so against it? Have you all ever sat down and explained both sides?
Well, he's still financially dependent on them, so he's going to loose a certain amount of independence and control.
Lots of parents raid their children's college funds. It's awful but true. And once his grandparents moved the $4K from their account to a joint one with him/mother, it stopped being "grandparents" money and became joint money between the account holders. Sounds like parents moved the money to a new account to keep control over it (and him).
Your FI might think it's "his" and been told its "his" but he left it parked in an account with two names - and the other name on the account moved it.
The only way this is going to go over smoothly is for FI to cave. Mom pulled a really big power play and she is already recruiting older sister to do battle and is "too hurt" to even talk about it. I think FI should be honest and say that moving the $8K really opened his eyes that this money IS NOT HIS and can be taken away at any time, and he really needs to move forward to set-up plans to be finacially independent from his parents. He can throw-in that he thinks that his parents will continue to pay his bills, as promised, that they haven't taken it to pay their own bills, but he wants more independence than they are willing to give him. And that is going to cause some obvious friction. So, he has to re-evalute his options, including more income, more loans or changing his education goals. None of that is going to go over smoothly - they are going to freak.
So, he has to choose: Cave or Cause Trouble.
And he should inform his grandparents that he no longer has access to the $4K that they gifted him. And that in the future, when they give him a check, he will be depositing it in an account with his own name and will make purchases on his own.
So, he should also set-up his own bank account with his own name on it. And use that for all future income and cash gifts.
You're trying really hard to sound older and further along in your education than you are.
Translation: You are both 20 years old. You will get married next year when you are both 21 years old, with two years left to graduate.
You didn't say this, but you imply that as a married couple, you expect to be supported at least partially by your FI's family (with college fund money, gifts).
THIS! livinitup nailed it!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Yes, we are both double majors, and with full-tuition scholarships, in the honors program in our university. He is also a double minor, with both majors not meshing easily, which requires a lot of extra work to graduate in 5 years - so much that we may have to get credit overrides some semesters.
Except, I pay for all of my own bills. I go to school full time and work about 25 hours a week. I should be able to save at least $75 a month if I budget correctly.
I never once said I EXPECT them to support us. I don't want their money. I barely want anything to do with them. They have been horrible people to me. The money his grandparents have given him in the past, I will never consider it theres even if they have taken it. If his other family members wish to give him a GIFT to help pay for his college, then of course he will use it. He works 2 jobs - about 20 hours a week - and goes to school full time.
I am sorry. I didn't realize you had the right to judge me. I never said or even implied that I expected them to support us. In fact, that is the opposite of what I said.
If that money was given to him directly from his grandmother, then it is his. To do whatever he wishes with it.
He's got a right to know how the money in that account was accrued and how and when.
His best bet:
Instead of living under a financial sword of Damocles, he should tell them point blank he does not want any more money from them. What they're doing is pretty shifty and sh!tty: he can have it but then he can't? Pretty lousy.
They're manipulating him with money which is a crummy thing to do. This is all about control....in addition to saying tat ta to the money, he should do the same to his parents. No parent who cares about his or her child would dare do something like this to their child.
You've made it pretty clear that he depends on family money, GIFTS, to pay for living and college expenses - and based on your mulitple posts, you gave no indication that would change after you married. None. I don't point it out to be mean, just realistic. Parents may want to support a single, 21 yo differently than a married one.
You may want to look into creating a budget based-on not receiving these GIFTS for him to make tuition and living expenses for two years (or sooner if they stop making those monthly payments as promised). The good news is, as a married co-ed, he may not need their income information verification for his FAFSA forms.
It is possible for students to file for financial aid independently. Your fiance's parents only have to submit documentation for the FAFSA if they are claiming his as a dependent on their tax returns. I'd recommend your fiance speak with a financial aid representative at the college to discuss his options. A seasoned financial aid adviser has seen all sorts of family issues and will know some solutions- they can advise him on his options.
If you weren't expecting to live off of his "gifted money", then why are you even posting about this? No matter what, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. The fact that you think it does, makes we side with his parents.
I would withdraw all financial support from my child if they were making adult, life-changing decisions I didn't agree with, while still a child. And I would not support my child living with a SO or making firm plans to get married before they had graduated from college and were an independent adult able to fully support themselves.
He has talked with financial aid, and they said that he doesn't need his parents information but they will have to sign a paper that states that they will not provide information for the FAFSA.
All right, that is a little more acceptable. Honestly, they have said that they will cut him off once he gets married, but I still don't think that entitles them to take away gifts from other family members. When the fall semester starts up (which is when he will get his other job back) he will be able to pay for almost all of his living expenses, and his scholarships will pay for almost all of his college expenses (or all of it depending on how much fees and books are). This actually reminds me to make sure he checks his account and make sure excess funds are disbursed to him and not his mom.
The best course of action, in my opinion, is to take out loans and break off from his parents financially. The biggest problem is that he doesn't want to abandon his family. He just wants them to respect him and not treat him like he is an infant. It all comes down to whether she is willing to talk to him or not. (He has been trying to get a hold of her tonight.)
I wasn't expecting anything from this at all. I never was, and never will. They are not my parents, not my money. I never even said that if they want to take back THEIR money that THEY have given him is perfectly okay. It is their money and no one can tell them what to do.
The issue is that they took money that his grandma (and possibly his grandparents, he only knows of one significant contribution) has given him. They took money that was not theirs. If they don't want to support the decision he is making financially all the power to him. I don't care.
I support myself, thank you very much. And if you had almost $10,000 to get you through college one minute and then the next you have $1000 and you are told you NONE of it was ever yours to begin with (when about $4200 HAD HIS NAME FROM A CHECK DIRECTLY ON IT), of course it is upsetting. It is upsetting because they are treating the man I love like complete crap and manipulating him so they get their way.
Really, I didn't realize some people had to be so rude and judging, when my original post stated they can do whatever they want with their money, it is the money his grandma had given him that they took. If his grandma wants to take back her money, that is just as fine. He can get loans and somehow work more than he already is.
Also, thank you. I am sorry for misunderstanding, but I also understand we do have slightly different view points. You still have good advice and I will be sure to pass the information along to my FI. It may help him see what to expect either way. Then again, I don't know if it will matter if his mom refuses to talk with him.
And he needs to understand that putting the money in a joint account, it legally became joint money.
again, if you understand this isn't your problem and you should not be involved, why are you posting here? What exactly are you looking for with your post?
And a Man would not be manipulated by his parents withdrawing financial support. A Child would. No matter how much you protest, you *are* both still children. Neither of you has truly had to fully support yourselves financially. You have not lived and independent, financially responsible adults. You have not yet lived in the "real world", dealing with real life issues. I would not support my child making life-long decisions without having lived as an independent, financially responsible adult. Until then, they are a child and would be treated as such.
You are really start lose your case. All that talk about celebrating, enjoying your love together... you can do that and not get married. Being practically living together during vacation is not the same as living with each other. His family has good rights to be worried. Your actions seem rash. If you really wanted to do all the stuff you talk about and not piss off your future family you would have an engagement party before graduating and then get married after college.
If you two want to be treated like adults start acting like them. Take the high road and take their advice. Don't bicker or fight with his family. Save up and study. Stop stomping your feet around screaming "But we're in loooooove." to get your way.
You are being rude and judgmental.
I didn't realize wanting to get married has become against the law.
Also, I don't interact with his family. They are the worst people I have ever met and my FI is a wonderful fluke.
You do realize that you are just enforcing that his parents are wise right?
And that you are way to immature to be considering marriage?
So explain how politicians get manipulated by money? Anyone can be manipulated. That is why there are bribes. His parents are bribing him. If he drops Music Education and Psychology as majors and switches back to Biology, doesn't get married for at least 8 years (her number, not mine), leaves me and never interacts with a female romantically, they will completely support him. THAT IS MANIPULATIVE. His mother admitted to being exhibiting manipulative behavior.
Some people are manipulated by money. Some are by emotions. So the government manipulates all of the homeless people and low-income people because they hold the money over them. You have no right to determine when someone is an adult or not.
I was simply curious as to what outside opinions thought of his parents taking money that had not been intended for them, and then advice for handling the parental situation, and possibly to deal with the whole financial aid process. I didn't want validation, and I am fine with disagreement. Just don't pretend that adults don't get manipulated either.
We are not children. We know what we are doing. We know the consequences. I just couldn't fathom someone taking money that wasn't theirs away from their child.
That doesn't change the fact that you are rude. My parents, my friends and my family are wonderful judges of my maturity. I have a 401k, a decent job for being in college, a full tuition scholarship and have had a stable income since I was 16 and have been supporting myself since I was 18. If I screw up, oh well, I will deal with my own mistakes, because they are mine.
I also have every right not to interact with people that treat me horribly and to be told that they wish I would break up with him. Why would I be around someone that is toxic?
EDIT: Why am I being attacked? I understand our view points differ, but why does that give you any right to tell me I am stupid and immature?