Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: .
Your FI should leave the 1K and just plan on having it as a backup if he uses it at all. He should then go to financial aid and let them know that he gets no help from his parents financially. It will be true at this time, and the 1K will be factored into his finaid equation.
He should not accept money from them in the future. Cut the apron strings now and he won't have to worry about them giving the stamp of approval on his life.
Since the two of you plan on getting married its a good idea to learn how to do without extra help. Good luck.
Chalk this all up to an expensive lesson learned.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Trying to prove how mature you are only makes you look immature. A mature person would say something like "All of you have some valid points that I really should consider. Thank you for your opinions." Instead you are feeding into it and making yourself look as though you have something to prove. True maturity doesn't have to be proven over and over again. Either you are or you aren't, no proof needed.
Also, it's okay to not be completely matured and ready to be married at age 20. In fact, I would encourage enjoying your early 20's not tied down to bills and wedding planning and just overall enjoying life.
I had to google. I haven't watched Glee since the first season. Ironically inappropriate is probably the best description. Doh!
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Really? What the heck do they eat? I guess my family of four could spend $200/month on groceries a month too, if all we ate was ramen and white bread.
You are only reinforcing everyone's opinion that you are quite immature and very naive to how the real world works. But I think it's almost a rite of passage to believe that you have everything figured out at age 20. Best of luck to you. Since you and your fiance are such mature budget savy people, you two will just have to find a way to survive without that money - consider it gone for now.
Honestly, I don't know how my sister does it. She is just a super saver or something I don't know. She had told me this in response to me budgeting $200 a month on groceries (and other expenses, like buying toilet paper, or laundry detergent). I kept the amount the same, because I would rather overestimate and spend less than that and find out I have an extra $100 to put away for a month to buy new tires or get my oil changed, then to find out I am $100 short.
Of course you don't think you're immature. I remember being in my early 20's and thinking I knew everything and that I was so mature. I look back and laugh at my 20 year old self but know that I have matured by leaps and bounds over the years.
My son is only 3 years younger than you and he really is very mature for his age, but that's comparing him to other 17 yr olds, not a 30 year old (although he's more mature than some 30 yr olds that I know!). My point being that yes, you may be more mature than most 20 yr olds, but until you've lived real life for a significant amount of time and have some life experience under your belt, you can't really call yourself mature.
Since we are severely off topic (at least of what I had intended) and I can understand where you are coming from. I also understand that you believe we should wait, which is fine and I respect your opinion. However, would not our decisions allow us to gain life experience all the same? It is not as if we are falling off the face of the planet and dropping out of school. I believe in making mistakes and learning from them, but I understand a parent wanting to prevent that.
The situation with my FI and his family is much more complex and complicated than I have painted and I only wanted a opinion on the tiny portion, and I have received that. We have been discussing ways he can handle the situation, one of them sucking it up and letting them control him so he can get his college paid for, at the very least until we are married. The other is to take out loans, while another is to get a second job (for one or both of us).
I agree that is immature for me not to want to interact with his family. But I sacrifice that maturity to maintain my sanity and not be treated like dirt by his family. (Well, his siblings and parents. His grandparents have been kind people.) Until she took the money, some if it may have been hers and that is fine. I would like to say that they knew we were getting married, and living together and at least until he was married, were going to pay for his expenses jointly with him, and then for no one reason she decided against it. Nothing changed, he has kept her informed of anything going on up until this point and tries to talk to her on multiple occasions. Most of the time, she has one of her daughters with her and so he must talk with both of them and his sisters get equal sway and opinion and influence over his life just like his mom. (I say his mom, because his dad is rarely involved). ANYWAY, super long tangent, but until this incident, I was about ready to build an actual relationship with her, because she had started to be spiteful and rude.
Again I know this is immature to not want to interact with them. But I won't put myself through that kind of firing squad unless absolutely necessary.
I don't know why this thread has turned into a "we have to teach this kid a lesson" mission. Yes, she's young. Yes, she has not reached the pinnacle of maturity- she hasn't had time. But she appears to have her head on straight, she is articulate about what she wants and has plans in place to achieve those goals, and she's open to other ideas. That's mature to me. If she makes mistakes, well, we all do. Age and maturity are no protection against them.
I fail to see how rudeness, insults, and cutting her down accomplish anything other than demonstrating that immaturity is not tied to youth. And for anyone trying to give this girl genuine advice, consider that a confrontational approach may tarnish your message (however well-intentioned).
OP, I do hope you take the good advice you've received here to heart. There is wisdom even in the rude comments- take the useful bits and ignore the attitude.
But she knew we were doing that. He had told her earlier that week what our plans were. She had known right from the start when we planned on getting married. This was not a surprise. I said it could be a reason, but it didn't make any sense, since she knew all of this information.
My guess would be that that was when it became real to her. When she realized that the two of you were not going to wait until you graduated and that you were going to (in her mind, although not in yours) rush into marriage without being fully financially independent.
Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
OP, you couldn't figure out what the difference between "we're engaged" and "we're put down real money and set a date"? Really? One is truly no more permanent than "we're going steady". The other involves legal contracts--still can't see the difference?
And I'm still waiting an answer as to what you wanted out of posting this and why you think you should be involved in your FIs decision going forward. You can ignore all the women that have lived past 26 telling you to wait if you want to (it's not like we have any skin in your game), but please don't ignore those of us telling you to stay out of this. Your FI needs to make this decision on his own. I know you want to think that a little ring makes it your problem, but it doesn't. And if you meddle, your FI *will* blame you when things don't work out.
Yep. That is my guess too. Wedding planning is all dreams, hopes and aspirations until you put deposits, contracts and obligations on it. Then reality crashes it. Sometimes it happens to the couple but sometimes it is the couple's family that gets cold feet.
EDIT: I answered you last night, but you decided to continue attacking me and didn't see it, even though you quote me. I never responded to you before this, because there was no point.
1) It sucks for him but I can completely see why they did it. In their minds, he is not living up to his side of the contract (focusing on school) so they are withdrawing from their side of the contract (providing money). Pretty simple and pretty normal when the parents are the ones paying.
2) Stay out of it, not your place and will only end badly for you in the long run.
3) Stay out of it, not your place.
ETA: and if you truly believe I've been "attacking" you, then you really do need more reading comprehension lessons. And a reminder--I did not call you stupid and I did not say you didn't earn your scholarship (both of which you claim I did) I called you immature, which is a scientifically proven fact. Your brain is *not* fully mature at 20. So not an attack, a fact. And I have tried to give you some insight as to what his parents are thinking (not an attack). And I've even tried to give you advice beyond "don't marry so young" (not an attack).
The fact that you are taking all of the above as me "attacking" you, does disprove that you are "fine with disagreement".
I think your FI's parents see that the both of you aren't in any position to get married or plan a wedding right now. I would bet that they want you to wait until you are done with school before you transition into such a permanent and important aspect of your life. Like others said, they pulled the money out of the account when they saw that you weren't as serious about school as they had originally thought (because you chose to put your efforts toward planning a wedding and spending money) and that their money may be supporting the two of you instead of just their son.
So, your age and the fact that you are planning a wedding has everything to do with it.
So you are now claiming you are asking for advice that you don't plan to do anything with? WTF? Just wanted some light reading for the day?
Your FI has to stop calling his Mom, she is not going to change her mind. His grandparents may or may not know the money was taken by her, and I guess he can decide to tell them it was taken from the account. They may know and approve, then what?
Your Fi needs to open a new account, move the $1000 to it and be done with the whole thing. He needs to figure out a way to pay for college without their help.
Are you worried this is going to break you up? It seems that is why you are so vested in this matter. Yes, the money was taken, yes he has to figure out how to pay for things on his own. Right now his Mom is giving him an ultimatum and unless he intends to do exactly what she wants then you have a problem.
This is not an attack, but if he wants to beg to be in their lives and cow-tow to their demands then he really isn't the guy for you.
Who knows maybe it is a crazy thought, but if they see him succeed without their help they will think he is making a wise choice. Right now you are the woman dragging their baby down.
First thing is get to the bank asap. He is going to need that $1000. Guess you are lucky she did not leave him $10.
I cannot fathom getting married when both of you are depending on mommy and daddy for money, permission, and approval. Grow up first, then get married. What is the rush?!?!?!?
Whether you are serious for school and used the money anything but school right now is irrelevant. What your future in-laws think is going to happen is what made them take the cash without a word.
This argument is just inane. Just because your brain is not fully developed by the time you're 20 doesn't mean you still think like a child or are incapable of making responsible decisions. It's like the inverse argument that you shouldn't have kids over 35 because you're more like to be infertile/have a baby with birth defects.
I've really grown to hate these types of posts that center around "too young to get married." The responses are usually less about the OP's issues and delve into pile on of people trying to validate their own life choices.
I'm sorry that happened. I do agree with some of the previous posters that this is her (or their) protest to the marriage. And in many ways, it isn't that difficult to see why: most parents I know will stop supporting their children (schooling or otherwise) once they are married. My sister is in grad school but will be getting married soon. After that, she is on her own even though my parents supported both of us through college. Why? Because marriage means you're supposed to be independent.
I'd say: wait on marriage and have your FI let them know this and that he would like to continue with schooling how they want him to. That might be caving but if you actually want the education paid for, I don't see how else they'd give the money back.
If not, make sure he manages his own account in his name only.
Good luck. I know dealing with in-laws is not easy.
That is a good point and for no reason, he has never used the college money for anything but that and his mom knows it, they have decided to stop trusting their son. Before he even asked me, he talked with his parents first (they didn't like it, but he told them). I would assume they think I will pressure him or am pressuring him into paying for a wedding, since she has asked him many many times over the past week if he is really happy or not and whether he is being pushed into doing anything. I have not, whether anyone wants to believe that is up to them.
This is why my FI wants to talk with his mom. He has hopes that this problem can get solved if they approach it like adults.
EDIT: SORRY! I forgot this part. His parents even said that they will allow him his college fund until he gets married. You could at least tell your son you changed your mind and are no longer going to allow him access to it.
Again, I am not being supported by them. I support myself. I don't take any money from them what-so-ever. My parents don't support. I pay my own bills. (On a side note, not that anyone here seems to care. First contribution to my 401k today!)
He never asked his parents for permission or approval. He did what he wanted to to. In regards to the money, his grandparents had given him money. Would you refuse a gift? If your parents gave you money, you would tell them no because you need to independent? His grandparents did not give this money with anything but the attention to help him with his college, which includes living expenses. As I have said, many many times by now, if his parents want to rescind their support and take away THEIR money, well they can do whatever they want. My FI and I are smart. We can come up with other solutions for him to pay his bills.
But the issues isn't about any of this anymore. The issue is that I am immature because I have to "prove it", but people here have called me immature before I was ever trying to "prove it" simply by my age. The issue is that because I have a scholarship, I am not supporting myself, when school is equavialent to a job. If I don't do well, I don't get paid. It is that simple.
There is a saying, everyone can talk the talk but few can walk the walk. His parents are examples of that. They did this for a reason. They thought that it was all just talk, then you took actual steps to it and you scared them. They are acting out of fear and protection for their son. Should they have sat down with you and rationally discussed their decision? Yes. But they aren't going to. They aren't going to see your side. Even if they do, they won't change their actions, just like no matter how many times we point their side you aren't going to change your actions and slow your roll.
I really feel for you. You remind me of myself five years ago when I was all like "But we are in looooove. It will last because we are awesome and his family suuuuuuucks. It doesn't matter if we can't legally drink yet, we can still be committed." I learned so much in those five years and I am so glad I had some great advice to wait before rushing into marriage and kids. Slow down, in five years you will really appreciate that you waited.