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personal stuff vent
Let me preface this total pity party by saying I know I have a wonderful life otherwise. I have a great job, good friends, awesome family, cute pets and am young and healthy. But I need to whine or I'll snap on some of my completely harmless coworkers and we can't be having that.
I am handling the breakup of my marriage much more poorly than a few weeks ago. For awhile I was riding the pink cloud of my empowering decision and new independence, but I have fallen to earth with a loud thud. Reality sucks, and I miss my ex. Worst of all, we're still talking, because I'm trying to be the mature "bigger person". I now realize this is a horrible idea and that I need some time away from him but am having a difficult time cutting him out. It's hard to remember the bad things and instead I am focusing on the good things. Why exactly I don't know, because he did awful things and I should write them down so I don't forget, or something. He even wants me to watch his dog and wants to borrow my camera while he's out of the country on a school trip! That one of the people he cheated on me with will be on! Am I an idiot???!
I hate winter in general and just want to fast forward until spring when I will be reasonably over this crappy mistake of a marriage. I liked being married and am not particularly jazzed to be single. I'm having a hard time getting out of my comfort zone and doing new, exciting things for myself. All my friends are in couples and I'm finding myself irrationally angry at some of them. One of my coworkers keeps trying to give me helpful advice because she's "been there" but I'm having a hard time not telling her to shut her pie hole since she jumped from a 5 year marriage immediately into a new relationship so she has no idea what she's talking about. But why should it matter to me what other people do? I'm finding myself bitter at others and projecting my own crap onto them.
I know what I need to do. I need to 1) stop talking to exH, at least temporarily. 2 ) Concentrate on something good for the future, like my grad school plans. It just sucks.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I might DD this later.
Re: personal stuff vent
He even wants me to watch his dog and wants to borrow my camera while he's out of the country on a school trip! That one of the people he cheated on me with will be on! Am I an idiot???!
Um, hells no.
Being the bigger person sometimes comes with a cost -- and right now, that cost is your sanity. I suggest you cut off all contact with him until after the new year. Absolutely do not do favors for him (although I'm sure you miss your doggie -- maybe that one is ok, if you want to see the dog, but he has to do all the work, like dropping it off when you aren't home, etc) No camera lending. No nothing, unless you decide you need him -- and not just because you miss him and are sad. I think the only thing that is going to help you right now is having him out of your life. He was disrepectful of you and your vows -- and he's continued to be disrespectful by not giving you the space you've asked for. These favors cross a serious line. Until he figures out what those boundaries are and how to treat you with respect, you owe it to yourself to keep your distance -- and insist that he do so as well.
You don't hvae to be super-strong woman handling all of this on your own. It's ok -- and encouraged -- to break down in tears and watch ANTM reruns with some ice cream. And it's ok to choose to protect yourself over keeping things on good terms with the ex. Remember, he made these choices on his own. He is responsible. You are not being mean if you take the space you need to heal.
Hugggggggggggggggggggggggs.
(((((HUGS)))))
You are one of the strongest people I "know" It is going to be hard, and it will stay hard for a while but eventually it will start getting easier, and you probably wont even notice at first... and then one day you will think... "wow I am happy!"
I hope that day comes sooner than later for you, but know it will come.
ITA with zoe. Volunteer for something, or take a class to learn how to do something fun (knitting, cooking, art, etc.)
Too bad you don't live closer to me. All my friends here are people I met through the H; I'd totally hang out with you!
I'm so sorry you're going through this rough time right now! I know the holidays don't make it any easier.
One thing I wanted to say is, don't beat yourself up for still having feelings for him. You were married! Of course you'll still have feelings for him, even after what he did to you. Your marriage didn't break up because you stopped loving him, and I think it's totally natural to still have that a bit of that longing. This sounds trite, but remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. You're still in a mourning period (for your relationship, not necessarily him) and it takes some time to be "over" it. Don't expect too much of yourself right away.
Maybe it is a good idea to write down what he did and tape it on the bathroom mirror, or some other place you'll see it often. The total crime is not just how he cheated on you, but how he made you doubt yourself and question your instincts. I'm sure you'll never forget how awful that feels, on top of the lying and trust-breaking.
I also think it's a good idea to stop talking to him, for awhile. If nothing else, being friendly makes it easier on him! He can absolve himself by thinking you're still friends, and you're really not friends. He's sucking up, and you're missing your old, dead relationship. Not the best basis for a friendship!
Do you have any kind of vacation planned? This may not be the best advice, but having a fun plan for the future is something that keeps me going when I'm feeling down. (My husband accuses me of living in the future!) You mentioned grad school, but maybe something more immediate or at least immediately satisfying to look forward to will keep your spirits up.
If you do decide to delete, print these responses out. It's nice to go back and read kind words when you need a lift!
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
(((Brookles)))
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do like the writing down idea. You don't want to hold onto anger too much, but you do want to remember why you made the choice that you did. I mean, if it helps, imagine what it would be like to go back to him only to find him cheating on you again 5 years down the line, 10 years down the line. Imagine being middle-aged and regretting not reaching for something better for yourself.
While I'm sure you and your married girlfriends will eventually readjust your friendship so that they can be there for you in the ways you need, it also wouldn't hurt to make some single friends. What do you enjoy doing? Join a church (if you're religious), join a book club, volunteer for a cause you support, take a yoga class. Basically, just do something that you can go to as an individual but make friends at.
Also, spoil yourself. Set aside $100 or $200 or whatever you think is best for your budget to just get or do something you want. Did you order a purple tree yet? You can decorate, etc. Just basically look out for you and trust that while each day might not be better than the only before, eventually it will all be better and you will have a normal life again.
(((more hugs)))
Do something good for Brookles. Spa day, kickboxing class, something you enjoy that will make you happy. You totally deserve it.
((((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. Everyone has given great advice so far. I think everything you've described is totally normal - not that it necessarily helps, but it's all part of the process. I think it's natural to be thinking about all the good times and starting to forget the bad stuff - you're grieving the loss of something and someone that was a big, important part of your life. You're grieving the loss of your past life and grieving for what could have been. That's okay. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to think about that, don't try to push away or swallow those feelings. Acknowledge them, cry, and move on for the day or at least for a little while.
I agree that you need to stop talking to your ex for a while - just take a total break for your own sanity's sake. You are completely justified in doing so, so don't feel like you have to be a saint or something.
I also don't think it's a bad idea to write down all the bad things about him, all the ways he treated you like crap, and refer to it as needed. And someday, when you're over it all, you can rip that up and throw it away because you won't need it anymore.
I see you already know what to do. I am sure it is hard. I hope it gets better soon.
PS: Are you positive that reconciliation is impossible? I'm just throwing that out there.
my read shelf:
(((((HUGS)))))
You've gotten some great advice already and I can't add much more. Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd probably lock myself in my house for days upon end and do nothing but drink and order pizzas. Heck, when I broke up with a boyfriend one summer about 6 years ago, I took a 5-week long trip to Europe by myself to get my mind off things and get right with myself. Worked like a dream, actually...
But - if that's what you need to do, do it. People cope in different ways, and you need to do what works for you.
(PS - I hate having to post this, but since you mentioned infidelity, I have to - have you gotten tested for STDs? If you haven't, you need to soon).
{{hugs}}
What you are going through is completely normal. Don't beat yourself up when you feel like crying or screaming. As another poster stated, you did not end the marriage because you no longer loved him so your feelings will take time to subside. I think the idea of writing down the bad will help take over any feelings or longing for the good. A reminder may be all you need to get back to focusing on you and your healing.
I'm so sorry, Brookles.
I agree, you should start something new to bridge the gap until you're feeling more at peace with the decision. Volunteering is a great idea. I agree, it's horrible to be with people who are in couples when you're not in one and when something like this happened to you.
Ugh, I am just so so sorry.
Thanks, all. I do so appreciate your support, advice and kind words. I heart my internet buddies. More than anything it helps me to vent.
We had discussed it as a possibility, but at this point I'm going to have to go with an emphatic no. It made things easier for both of us to tell ourselves that this might not be the end, but it definitely is. He could never build that trust back, and unfortunately I don't even think he's hit rock-bottom yet. He's sorry for what he did but I don't believe he's ready to deal with the issues that caused him to treat someone he loves with such disrespect. He's in denial, so we behave toward one another like we always did -- like best friends. But friend don't treat their friends that way, and I know he won't get it if there are no consequencies.
Good call. I know I need to do that but have been putting it off. Blah. Thanks, exH!
I do indeed! I'm going to visit a friend in Boston for NYE. It's always good to see her and will be so nice to get the H outta town for a bit. And I often think that way, too--always concentrating on the next thing. That's another reason this has been so hard. I'm struggling to adjust to the big change and finding my thing to look forward to.
I won't see exH over the holidays but will either email him about the time-apart situation or talk to him about it tonight.
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry you are going through this Brookles! I agree with a lot of the advice already given. First, I do think you need to take a break from talking to him until you have had some time to heal. I admire your desire to be the bigger person, but you can't be what he wants you to be right now. You need time to work through your feelings and having him call up and ask to borrow the camera like nothing happened cannot be helping!!!
I also agree that you should plan some fun stuff for yourself for the future. Are there friends in cool places you've been meaning to visit? Take a class, join a wine or book club, etc. And heck, if you don't feel like dealing with people just stay in and wallow in some Mad Men and Jon Hamm!
When I went through a bad break-up a few years ago, I ended up getting a part time job at a bar. It was so far outside of my normal zone, it was such a great escape! I am not suggesting you need a second job, but try and find some activities or places that are unfamiliar to you. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that there is a whole world out there beyond what we have experienced and are going through at the time.
Here's my personal experience in hopes it shows you are normal.
I finally got fed up and kicked my drug addicted, abusive hubby out. Yes a great sense of relief. I even started dating this wonderful guy but the feelings for ex got over powering. It is hard when you at one time were so in love and had such high hopes. So we made a second attempt at the marriage. What a mistake. I knew it almost immediately but stuck around for another 3 years. Yes we did the marriage counseling both times but he was never going to change. Finally a second time I kicked him out. Even greater feelings of relief. But again after some time I started to miss the whole marriage thing and the good feelings came up again. I am lucky he actually got involved with someone else or I may have taken him back yet again.
It was hard and I was lonely. I didnt date the second time for a couple of years. He moved on much quicker. I was resentful because I should have been the one to move on. I originally wanted out. He was the bad abusive, sick one. I went through years of personal counseling. On the outside things looked great for me. I had a good job, plenty of friends, a wonderful relationship with my son but it was still lonely. I did discover I had very little self-esteem. This is normal for women coming out of abusive relationships. I know your situation was different but his cheating probably did have an effect on your feelings of self-worth even if it doesn't seem that way.
I suggest maybe some personal counseling and accepting the mixed emotions you are feeling as normal. You have every right to be happy, sad, bitter, relieved etc at various times. Let the emotions out. Don't try to act like all is normal. It isn't.
I have heard it said many times divorce is harder than death. A death has a finality to it that is easier to work through. The emotional roller coaster ride of a divorce can last a year or two.
You will find someone new. I remember feeling like it would never happen. Many bad first dates that never went anywhere. A 3 1/2 year relationship with someone before I met DH that never could get to the fully committed stage. In the end I am glad I went through it all. I grew within myself and started to feel like my own person. I could be happy on my own. Once you reach that stage then you can truly be happy with someone else.
Just take it day by day and don't beat yourself up over anything you do or don't do. Learn from your mistakes as you move through this process.
Hey Brookles, where are you considering for grad school? It's OK if you don't want to say.
BTW, I don't think that I've ever mentioned how much I love your handle. I wish I'd thought of it for myself. You clearly have the best name ever.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. ?I advise having one of these as well ?
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seriously, take care of yourself right now. talk to a therapist, friends, family, us. take some time to pamper yourself and be good to brookles.
i'm so sorry you are going through this. hang in there.
(((hugs))) I hear you on hating winter, blechhhh. Especially after the distraction of the holidays, when the short days and long freezing nights set in. Definitely makes doing new things a challenge. Maybe some "countdown to spring" would be helpful. Indulge in some winter hibernation while planning new things to do/accomplish when nicer weather hits. Or could you go on a quick getaway to a summery weather location, like a long weekend for a change of scenery? Travelzoo.com usually has great deals in their Top 20 listing for hotels, airfare, vacation packages and cruises.
LOL. I <heart> you TTT!
The rest of the gals have great advice, I just have zombie hugs
Ditto Katie - you're doing awesome at this, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just the fact that you know it's over is a big accomplishment.
Try to get as much sunshine as possible when it's available - can you eat lunch outside if there's no precipitation? Maybe even check out a tanning salon for short stints with lots of sunscreen. Getting your vitamin D should help your mood.
Brookles--not going to repeat all the great advice you've gotten. These ladies beat me to the punch
But I did want to say that what you're experiencing is totally part of the process--one that I've seen a good friend and my mother go through. And both of those women came off the emotional roller coaster as strong, competent, happy women.
I have absolutely no doubt the same you will do the same. It will be hard, but if it is what is best, you have to do it and roll with the punches. Take care of you!!!
You have gotten great support, so I'll just ditto everyone else.
Have you ever seen the website meetup.com? I know a few friends that have used it when trying to meet new people and they've had good experiences. People will post there looking for people to go hiking or see a movie or just random things like that. Something like that might be a good way to meet some other single friends and it will keep you active and your mind occupied.
And feel free to vent here whenever you need. I have heard that unhappiness is always worse around the holidays, so just take care of yourself and look forward to a brand new year.
Everyone else has already given awesome advice, so I just wanted to give you some zombie hugs
I also wanted to second the volunteering idea. Not only is it a great way to meet awesome people, it makes you feel good to give back. I fyou volunteer with a rescue group or animal shelter you get the added bonus of doggy kisses and kitty rubs
You are entitled to a pity party now and then. Just remember it is all a process. Your over-all trajectory is up, up UP!
It sucks. Good for you for wanting more for yourself. You deserve it!
I think your feelings are probably very normal and natural, especially considering we are about to hit the holidays...
But I do think you are right to want to distance yourself from your ex-H. How can you ever begin to heal if he is always around picking at the scab?
Best Brookles. Many hugs your way.
I think everything's been covered here.
All the best to you, Brookles! You're going to be GREAT!