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What would you do..?
This might be a novel, hopefully I can get it out quick.
So, I have 2 small tattoos already, one on my rib cage and one on my back between my shoulder blades. My mom freaked out over both and just couldn't believe I would do something that would hurt her so much.
It's like she thinks I wake up every morning trying to think of what I can do next to make her upset, she absolutely hates tattoos. Well my H and I went last week and I got a garter tattoo around my left thigh and H got two on his back (shoulder area) well knowing my mom I never mentioned getting any new ones. I live in CO and she lives in FL and we talk a lot on OOVOO, but H posted on his facebook that he was getting a tattoo the day before and so she asked later if I had gotten one too.
I don't feel like I should have to lie, so I told her yeah. She was so upset.. "that's just f'ing lovely" was one of the comments she made. Wanted to know "what, where, how big, will it show when you were shorts??" Then she basically said she had to go because she was too upset to talk and hung up.
So we're on OOVOO today because she initiated what seemed like friendly convo. Then she wants to see the tattoo and freaks out because it's bigger than she thought and I didn't even show her the whole thing. Then she starts making me feel like this awful person again.
"why do you have to pick the one thing that you know hurts me and upsets me most. As long as you're happy thats all that matters. you don't even care about my opinion in anything!" oh and then this: "You're the one person in my life that just keeps hurting me!"
What I don't understand is why do I have to take her opinion into account when I'm doing something to my body. I understand the consequences. I didn't make her get a tattoo. It's my decision. Why can't she just let it go.
She just text me saying "so basically it's your way or the highway and if I don't accept that then we're never gonna talk"
I could keep going, but I don't feel like typing.
Thanks for listening to the vent and.. how would you handle her?
Re: What would you do..?
What would I do?
Honestly, I would laugh at the silly " why would you do the one thing that would hurt me" guilt trips. Then I wouldn't discuss this with her. If she texts, I would ignore. If she calls and brings up tats, I would hang up. Same with oovoo and facebook.
She is probably this overly dramatic with other aspects of her life because it has worked in the past. Let her know that it won't work on you and maybe even let her know you laugh at her. Hopefully she will quit but who knows.
She just text me saying "so basically it's your way or the highway and if I don't accept that then we're never gonna talk"
My response would be: "Mom, I don't care if you accept my tattoos or not, but it's a topic you and I will no longer discuss.
"When it comes to my personal decisions about my own body, it will always definitely be my way, and I expect you to respect my decisions even if you don't agree with them or they are not the choices that you would make for yourself. If you keep bringing it up, or feel that I don't have the right to make responsible choices as an adult, then we won't be talking as regularly as we used to. The topic is not up for debate."
How old are you? And why do you feel the need to respond to her questions period? You should have just stopped the conversation when she asked since it was none of her business.
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste,
It all revolves around you.
You can tell her that it will be her choice to "not talk" - but yes, when it comes to your body/life (barring dangerous or illegal behavior) that it is definitely your way or the highway - as it is with decisions she makes about her body/life.
Boundaries are a beautiful thing. Good fences make good neighbors and all that.
into+the+kitty+ :
I'm 22. I'm just used to it I guess, but I'm really sick of being treated like I just killed someone. It was over OOVOO for the most part and I hate seeing her hurt, so it's hard for me to not answer, but at the same time I should care more about myself hurting.
If it wasn't the tattoos, it'd be something else. Judgemental people always find something to judge. And it sounds like she enjoys playing the martyr, too.
Really, just ignore her. She is looking for a reaction from you. "Sorry you feel that way, Mom, but it's my body and I'm happy with my choice. My tattoos have nothing to do with my relationship with you." End of conversation. If she won't stop complaining, hang up the phone or walk away.
Don't text her with stuff like this. Either talk on the phone/in person, or just ignore her.
I would also suggest that you and your husband limit what she can see on your Facebook pages.
And PS - ignoring her/not responding to her criticisms doesn't mean the same thing as being rude to her or cutting her out of your life. Just don't get into a discussion about these things.
Mom: "Tattoos are awful, you're hurting me, the world is ending, blah blah blah."
You: "Mmm. You know, I made this great roast chicken last weekend, if you'd like the recipe."
Mom: "But the TATTOOS! *whine moan groan*"
You: "I saw the photos from the cruise that you and Dad just took. It seems like it was fun! What was your favorite part?"
I'm definitely not young and my Mom still gives me the side-eye about my tatts. When she has had something negative to say in the past, I just reply with...eh...they're not on you so don't sweat it Mom. And I am so unconcerned about her likes/dislikes on this topic she has given up even b*tching about them.
She is so self-involoved that it's not too much of a problem...haha!
I just got my first tattoo a week ago. I'm 30.
I can remember wanting a tattoo for what seems like FOREVER!!! I remember loving seeing tattoos on women when I was a little girl. I wanted to get one after I turned legal age, but just never did.
I came up with a ton of my own excuses (the pain will be too bad, I won't find a design I like, etc.) Really, I made extra excuses because I knew my family and my husband would disapprove.
After dabbling in the tattoo stuff again (I was always on and off with the decision), I finally found a design I was in love with. Since my 30th birthday is coming up, I decided to go for it. - family and husband's opinion be damned!!
Well, okay. I wasn't that much of a rebel. I told my husband ahead of time. I warned my parents. I promised my mom I would scope out a clean shop (she was always more concerned about the safety and health stuff).
So now that all is said and done, I'm in love with my tattoo. I'm in love with the decision I made. My family didn't freak, and even my husband has made some nice comments about it.
I'm not really sure I have a point here that relates to your post, but it was very liberating for me to make a decision for myself - and not for someone else. I usually do what others say, go along with the crowd, etc. even when I desperately don't want to. The tattoo is great, and I'm proud of me for sucking up the pain, but I'm more proud of me for doing something for myself - making a decision for myself no matter what other people say or think.
As weird as it sounds, its been good for my mental health!
You are an adult and you have the legal right to do whatever you want to your body. You mom gave birth to you and raised you obviously she doesnt like tats. so her disappoitment shouldnt shock you. You can not control her opinion on them. What you can control is your discussions with her.
Next time she brings it up tell her you are an adult, its your body, and you can do whatever you want with it.
She doesnt have to like them and doesnt have to agree with you, but you dont have to listen to her.
Speaking as the parents, or personal opinion? If it's the former, well the 'rents can ESAD. If it's the latter, you can too.
I get her point of being upset but not the dramatics behind her. You are 22 (its young). You are putting something on your body that is permanent. People make judgments about tattoos so maybe if you are tattooing "i'm joe's ho" on your neck, that would be visable to the general public and some unfavorable assumptions may be made.
Is there a religious reason that she objects?
and ditto what pp's said too
Speaking as all of the above. The very appeal of tattoos is their trashiness, which is why it's the stereotypical thing that college-aged kids do to rebel. Parents who aren't trashy tend to not want their kids to look trashy. It's just good parenting.
I would let her know that "My tattoo's do not change the person I am, that you getting them was a decision you made about your body and it has nothing to do with her at all, you are still the same loving/responsible/whatever you are, daughter. And hopefully she can see that. And then I'd let her know that this is the last time you want to hear about the tattoos from her, because even though they're a part of you they are not who you are."
If she continues, I'd let her know "I told you I am not talking about this with you anymore" and hang up if it doesn't stop immediately.
I'm kinda put off by the comment on them being trashy. I don't feel they are unless you do get something like "i'm joes ho" as one of the previous posters said. You're free to your view.
As for it being because I'm "college aged" I might be, but I've already been through college and I'm married and we have a nice apartment. My husband works a respectable job and I think we are both far from trashy.
I'm also not trying to rebel. I like tattoos and that's that.
I haven't spoken to her since yesterday and she hasn't tried to contact me either. That being said, she's gonna have to be the one to contact me because I am so TIRED of the way she treats me.
Thanks everyone for the advice, much appreciated!
Youre free to hold your own opinion, but way to insult every single tattooed person in this thread- really, every tattooed person everywhere. The appeal of tattoos is not trashiness. Since tattoos hold no appeal for you, I don't see how you could think you're qualified to judge why they're popular. People get tattoos for many different reasons, and at every age.
By the way, could you tell my Indian friend that her tattoo makes her look white trash? I'm sure you can make that sound reasonable.
Good thing most people aren't so narrow-minded and offensive. I stand by my earlier statement.
- tattooed and proud
This EXACTLY!
"You're the one person in my life that just keeps hurting me!" Really, is she THAT HURT that you put a tattoo on YOUR body. I would be like "MOTHER, IT IS JUST A TATTOO." I mean really, it is just bodily ink. You would think you'd just told her you are addicted to heroin with the way she reacts to each new tattoo.I would expect a tattoo intervention soon if I were you
I think you should just tell her it really is your decision and just because you have tattoos does not mean you are a different person...or just tell her to stop acting so bizarre and making it all about her? I don't even know. She should stop saying 'you keep doing this to hurt me,' I feel like she is saying that solely to make you feel and and manipulate you to not get anymore tattoos. I honestly don't think it even bothers her, I think she is just trying to have control over you.
good point of view! thanks! : )
hahahaha i'm sorry, i just had to comment here. you sound like a teenager, all rebellious and angry. ESAD? tattooed and proud, really? go on with your bad self.
I'm well past my teen years, thank you. I'm sorry that you think standing up against ignorant statements and stereotypes is being "rebellious and angry". Have you spoken with a counselor about this issue of yours?
lol, they both do.
That's the only reply you can come up with? You're not even going to try to justify your (ignorant and racist) argument? Alrighty then.