Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: .
I really thank you for being respectful. You are right. We probably won't change our minds and we may regret it in 5 years. But at least it will be our decision. I would rather look back and tell someone they are right, then look back and tell someone they are wrong. But that is just me.
Every day I think about how I almost went $40,000 in debt (a year!) to go to college, because it was prestigious and glamourous and it was what I really wanted to do. Part of me regrets it and wonders if I made the wrong decision. But part of me knows I am paying less than that for an entire education and that I may not have been ready to move across the country into a huge city. My mom knew I wanted to go there. There was just no way we could afford it. But I compromised (sort of), and have made it my goal to move out to the area when I finish college and start my career there and my FI wants to apply to grad schools there as well.
There is still a looooonnnggg time before we get married. We have over a year of living together ahead of us and we could change our minds. We could very easily think this December that 'you know what, let's push the wedding back.'
FI at least wants to try and placate his mom and try to come to some sort of agreement and I won't stop him.
I'll say it. I think you have a lot on the ball. Tons, really.
I'm not so convinced about your boyfriend. He's going from being tied to his mother taking care of everything to you taking care of everything. He's about to take-on a ton of debt to support himself and he plans to take-on even more with graduate school. Sure, he has a great girlfriend who can manage a boatload, but he's let his family run over her and his best solution is to drop them. He didn't even pay for her engagment ring, he has no money to contribute to their wedding.
You seem really, really awsome, a little tightly wound (but that might develop into being driven and successful) and you are about to tie your boat to a guy with lots of potential but not a lot of actual traction in life. Plus, I think he's going to cave and break your heart.
I'd insist he put some skin in these wedding plans. You've made the point repeatedly that this is all your money and your parent's money. Why not his money? He really needs to put some of his own money to this. Otherwise, it's your money gets lost on these deposits and this loooong year. So far, this talk has all been about getting HIS education paid and HIS living expenses paid .. and all the while YOU are floating all of the big together plans. Sorry, I call BS. A smart, driven girl like you deserves better. A heck of a lot better.
You are sadly in for a lifetime of him placating his mom.
I agree with liveinup.
You are sadly in for a lifetime of him placating his mom.
I agree with liveinup.
the problem is, you moved in with him. they dont like you and dont approve of him shacking up.
so move out. be responsible and wait until you are married but then do expect to 100% support yourselves without his family money. you are stealing from HIS college money by living with him.
Id withdraw support from a child who did the same thing. sorry.
Amen.
If you are still hellbent on fighting about the money go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction.
I don't know where you got this seriously mistaken idea. I have never, ever taken any money from him. As I have said multiple times, I pay for my own bills.
If people followed your logic, no one could live with a roommate because they would be stealing each other's money. That is just ridiculous.
A side note, his mom co-signed the lease. She KNEW we were moving into together and has known since January. While I still think her actions are out of line and don't make sense, she is probably reacting on the fact that we put down a deposit for the wedding. That is the most likely explanation, even if it still is insane, since she knew all of the wedding stuff as well.
Thank you for your opinion and advice. I agree with some (possibly most) of what you are saying, as does my FI. He doesn't want to just placate his mom, but he doesn't want to be disowned either. It is a complicated situation and it is one he needs to solve. At the same time, I know the situation is more complicated than what I have painted here, but that doesn't nullify your opinion and good advice, instead it just gives us something else to think about.
He does want to put money away and save for the wedding and has. It just gets called into question whose money is he putting away. His? Or his college fund? Or his parents?
Ahhh, the egotism of the young. It's one of life's constants.
Listen, OP, I could have written your post back when I was in college (well, minus the money part of it). I had it all figured out - I was mature for my age, in luuuurrrrrve, a full-ride scholarship, part-time job. I was a good egg with my head firmly planted on my shoulders. I wanted to get married to my boyfriend SO BAD. We practically lived together, we had adopted a dog together, yadda yadda yadda. My parents supported my relationship 100%. But, I possessed the self-awareness to know that I was too young. A ring wasn't going to change my relationship, but time and maturity could do quite a number on it. I needed to be firmly ensconsed in my career before I walked down the aisle, especially because the economy had taken a nosedive shortly before I graduated. Life was too uncertain at the time to be making life-changing plans.
I ended up marrying my college sweetheart at 25 (engaged at 23). We had weathered some financial/employment storms, but were finally gainfully employed and making good money. We bought a house. It wasn't until a few years later, after I had finished becoming the adult version of myself, that I realized the folly of marrying someone that my teenage self had picked out. If I had waited, just a little longer, before getting engaged and throwing myself into planning a wedding, I would have seen all those red flags. But, no, I wanted my pretty princess day, and I wanted it ASAP. Heck, I was dealing with a better hand then than you are now. I got along with his family and they liked me. I can only imagine how worse life would have been if I didn't even have that.
You don't know what you don't know. If I could go back in time and stop those piss-poor decisions, I would. Filing for divorce before I even hit my 30s was soul-crushing. In some ways I was ahead of the curve, but I felt so far behind my peers. The fact that you're so dismissive of the potential mistake you're making tells me that you're not ready. Marriage and divorce are serious business.
There is no harm in waiting for your relationship to fully mature. Your older self will thank your younger self. Getting married so your friends can attend before they graduate has to be one of the worst justifications I've ever heard. They make these things called "cars" and "planes". They can attend a few years from now.
You know, after reading through all of these posts I just about agreed with liveinup about your having your $hit together. Now I've come to the conclusion that you really didn't come here for advice or perspective; you basically just want to be right and hear everyone tell you how your FI (and you of course) is right and his parents are a-holes). I say eff it. You and FI tell his parents to keep the money as you don't need it, shut the door behind you (have your FI get his balls out of his mom's purse before he goes) and get married. Good luck.
Ditto this. I omitted a few parts because I'm also starting to doubt that you have all your schit together. The more I read, the more I'm seeing the snotty girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... stamping her feet and saying "I want it now!!!".
My crystal ball is showing that you'll be back here in about 5 years. You'll be telling the tale of H who is completely incompetent with money. He ignores your wishes to conform with what his parents want. Your MIL is nasty toward you and your H won't say anything to her to stop it.
Since you choose to turn a blind eye and think that living with regrets > waiting a few years... Keep a lawyer on retainer and stay on top of the birth control. If you think she's all over you two for being irresponsible now, bring a child into the mix and your MIL will have a goddamn fit.
BTW, accepting money from your parents to fund the wedding venue does mean that you are dependent on your parents. You might not be depending on your FI or his parents, but you are depending on your parents. When you fund your own life and the events that come with it, you are financially independent. Until then... not so much. Like it or not, there it is.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
This is where the whole "cutting the apron strings/getting his balls out of his mom's purse" thing comes in to play. Until he becomes an independent man, capable of standing on his own two feet, his mother will see him as a dependent child. When he stops depending on his mother, he will have greater power to stand up to her.
Once he cuts the strings, he needs to make a stand. He needs to show her that her behavior is unacceptable.
If she wants to treat you (and him) in that manner, then she will not be welcome in your lives.
If he continues to interact with her without her making a change, then he is accepting her behavior as it is. Then you need to make a decision for yourself. Are you willing to yoke yourself to a guy who puts his mother's wishes and feelings above your own?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Why would you have a wedding you don't want? You can say "I appreciate the thought, but FI and I intend on having xx for our wedding."
My dad offered to pay for a big wedding, but we didn't want it. We got married on a beach, on our own dime.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Have you ever heard of the phrase "Pot, meet Kettle?"
Again, the best thing *you* can to is to stay out of it. That doesn't mean, don't talk to his mom. It means don't give your opinion/advice to your FI, don't do the work for him to get student loans, don't help him figure out how to pay his half of the household bills, don't push him in any way or direction. You need to let him deal with this independently of you and then decide if you want to hitch your wagon to someone makes the decisions he is making and taking the actions he is taking (or isn't making/taking).
I wont voice my opinion on the marriage issue; too many have said what I am thinking.
But one thing is true:
Your FI put $4K of money into a Joint account that has his name and parents name. He knew that they could remove any funds at any time. That $4K is now gone.
Chalk it up to a life lesson; get a new bank account for college savings without their name; contact financial aid and grow up. He's not going to see that money come back to him so just move on. That's one expensive lesson you have to learn.
This is really good advice.
See what he does. Let him stand on his own feet.
As for my own opinion on your age. You are legally allowed to marry, so unless the law changes, then if you marry is completely your decision. I'm not going to harp on it.
Sweetie, this is a message board. You don't get to dictate the terms and conditions of the replies.
That is why the whole conversation is on my upcoming marriage and not even remotely about my original questions. You response didn't even include anything about that. So of course, you can talk about whatever you want. But that is your waste of time to give advice that was never asked for in the first place. That is like if someone asks you if you like their new dress and your response is that their hair is absolutely atrocious.
Look OP, you may think you posted about your FI's money problem but the truth is your post screams young wedding in-law problems. It's like your house is on fire and you are asking us how this will effect your mail. Of course we are going to concentrate on stopping the fire, no matter how much you worry about your postal office losing your mail.
Your perception is off. Comparing taking a chance with college and taking a chance on a young marriage is like comparing apples and hand grenades. College, with self preservation and determination, gives you an edge. That edge will get you a job. Even with the worse hand in the world you will still be able to get a decent job with decent benefits and income. Marriage won't give you that. Marriage, on the other hand, can fail no matter how hard you both work on it, can fail. Marriage, can destroy what you thought was your entire life.
To live like you would rather regret your choices than take a step back, look at your options and then action, it shows your foolishness. You may think you are mature but you have to admit you are naive if you think this way. It makes me wonder what do you think is going to happen if you wait a few years? Will the marriage be more hollow? Will the wedding no longer be special? Do you really have a two year expiration date on your love for him? Or his for you?
This times a million!
The money issue is directly related to the wedding issue and you/your FIs relationship with your future inlaws. The money thing a a symptom of a larger problem.
You keep saying that if your marriage fails, it's just a mistake that you'll learn from. True, you'll learn from it, but it will be a very expensive mistake with lasting consequences. Marriage is the one thing you want to get right the first time.
I agree with PPs here- with some added from my own experience (because that's really the only way we can give you feedback on your questions).
1) No matter how much you may want to, you WILL have to interact with his family unless your FI cuts them out of his life completely. I have had a difficult relationship with my own parents because they didn't approve of my FI (to the point where they canceled an account that was in both of our names- a lesson I learned a bit later than most, and I lost a bit of money myself), but they are still my parents. FI recognizes that, and understands that as much as they may irritate him, he will still have to deal with them- mostly because they are his unborn son's grandparents. We're family for the rest of our lives, whether anybody likes it or not.
2) It's better to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce. Some of the women on this board have experienced both.
3) I agree with PPs who said that using your parent's and grandparent's relationships as a gauge isn't a smart thing. Just because our grandparents (and I'm not that much older than you) got married after knowing each other for a month (if you'll pardon the hyperbole) doesn't mean it's a smart thing to do. We live in a completely different society than even our parents did. And even if we didn't, comparing your relationship to anyone else's isn't smart. You and your FI are completely different people than anyone else.
4) I honestly don't believe that the advice on this board is coming from a place of rudeness, but one of concern. You might buck the odds and not have issues later on, but, again, some of us have been where you are. Yeah, it's a mistake you learn from if it fails- and the analogy I'd use here is that a failed marriage is the same as putting your hand in a fireplace. You get burned, it hurts like hell, and you're lucky if you don't get permanently scarred from it. We're trying to keep you from getting burned.
5) Your FI needs to work out the issues with his parents on his own. The best thing that you as his fiancee can do is just support him and encourage him not to do something he'll regret later. If you get involved with this, you will just foster more resentment. The important thing is that he knows you have his back. Don't badmouth his parents, don't make him feel bad for wanting a relationship with them, and don't let him feel like he's on his own in this.
6) Nobody's saying you're not intelligent or that they begrudge you your scholarship. But the thing is- the louder you yell about how mature you are, the less mature you seem. Maturity's kind of like having a good relationship- when you have one, you don't need to yell it on the rooftop. Others see that you have one, and that's enough. People can be incredibly smart and still make stupid romantic choices. I have two degrees in my chosen field, am a member of honor societies, and went to college on scholarships- and I made some pretty dumb romantic choices when I was your age. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but all we're advocating here is caution.
7) No matter how it feels now, even if you're paying your own bills, being in college still insulates you from the real world. I'm saying this as a former college professor. I saw students get early marriages during college that fell apart because their relationships couldn't stand up to real world pressures. Being engaged and being married are two very different animals. I would echo PPs who suggest waiting until after you've graduated and lived on your own for a bit- going back to the fireplace analogy here.
I wish you the best of luck, and your FI too. It's a tough situation- and I hope you come back and let us know how it turns out.