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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
why oh why do so many "men" live at home with mommy and daddy?
Seriously, over half of the guys that I talk to from online live with their parents, and they are all over 27 years old. Most of them just say they are saving to buy a house.
To me, this is a dealbreaker. I have been on my own since 18, married and divorced, and am now 30. I am not going to have the only place that we can be alone be my studio apartment.
I am sure it is partially regional, since NJ is so expensive, but I would rather live in a tiny one roon studio than with my parents. I don't know, it just seems so odd to me that this is so common.
Am I the irrational one here?
Re: why oh why do so many "men" live at home with mommy and daddy?
Life is expensive and people are not making money, unemployment is high and people aren't getting raises?
It doesn't bother me because I moved in with my parents for a year after uni and might have to live with them for a month or so when I return to the US... I am 31 and a successful professional. Some people don't like to live alone and enjoy spending time with their parents. Would it bother you if they had roommates, lived with their brother or sister or other family member? Is it annoying because it's their parents or just because they don't have their "own" place?
"Throwing money away on rent offends me, plus my parents are really cool. All of my friends love them!" Real quote, people, real quote.
Sweet Jesus. What a winner! I bet he sits up at night wondering why he's single...ugh
And he was so shocked that this was a dealbreaker. lol
Let me clarify for you, these guys are not in dire situations. They have jobs, they could get a place with a roommate or a studio alone. They just choose not to because they would rather buy a house later.
Ladies, welcome to the age of the manchild.
You live in a really expensive area. I wouldn't want to pay rent there either. At least they have jobs!
In my lcol area most men are unemployed... but since it's so cheap they can rent a place on their unemployment and it's not an issue..lol
One of my friends embraced the unemployed man market and prefers them now... she says they have lots of time for her.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me because at least they are saving money and have goals.
I think it is pretty reasonable to expect a capable, employed 30 year old man to have his own place, any place.
I agree... it's a reasonable request. But for me it's just not a dealbreaker. The guy I am seeing here in Australia lives with his mom... she had a heart attack last summer and he moved back to take care of her. He is looking to move out in the next few months and is excited about having his own place again. It didn't really bother me to have him come to my place all the time or stay at his mom's. I actually liked always getting to sleep in my own bed.
I have brothers that are 27/28 this year and they don't have their own places... one lives with roommates and the other with my aunt and uncle. They live in Boston and LA and don't make enough money to have their own place and eat... they haven't gotten raises in years and have gone through periods of unemployment. They have no problem finding girls though so perhaps there isn't much incentive to move out until they can afford it.
I am very lucky that I have a solid career, stable income and savings but most of the people I know haven't fared so well during this recession. It's unfortunate but reality is that lots of men live at home.
Does everyone feel the same way about women who live with their parents? Is it a major red flag as well?
This is one of those "it depends" situations. If the guy has NEVER lived on his own, then it would more likely be a dealbreaker.
Or if they moved out for a year or two, but then back in and have been there for the past 10 years .... yeah, I would be really skeptical.
But past that - in this economy, even for well employed people, there are a million and one scenario's where there could be a very reasonable explanation as to why they moved back home.
To add - I have a friend who lost his job and had to move back w/ his mom. He was there for a couple years (I think in his late 20's/ early 30's) - but eventually found another job, got his feet back under him, moved out w/ roomates, and then a couple years after that, bought a house on his own.
It really can just be a move that really is temporary. That's why I'd want to find out more information first before jsut out and out saying "dealbreaker".
I agree... It can be situational and have not much to do with him being a loser or deadbeat. I was living at my parents house for about a month this year when I was back in the US for work... I might need to live there again when I return. If someone just automatically said it was a dealbreaker they would have no idea that I can easily afford to and want to live on my own but I am waiting for the right place to come up. I also need to travel constantly when working in the US... it is easy to stay with them if I have big projects going on that I can't take time off for in order to set up a home.
Depending on work and travel schedule they could actually never be home but you won't know if you just write them off before knowing the details.
Lurker here... I just had a flashback to when I was 22 I was dating this guy who was 32. Meanwhile I had my own apt (with a roommate) for over a year at this point and he still lived with his parents. He kept telling me it was no big deal and that he had his own wing of his parents house and he never even saw them. I guess he never thought I would ever go to that house, but one night we had to stop there and his "wing" was basically the bedroom on the first floor of a cape cod and mom and dad were uptairs.
I am fairly certain he is a compulsive liar. There were sooooo many things I caught him in lies about (having multiple children, his criminal record, his supposed show business career) Blech.
I fall into this category...sort of! My mom actually moved into my house. The basement is converted into an apartment. She retired early and loves to travel, so this is her landing spot. She's usually gone for a month or more at a time, but she does live here. It makes me a little uncomfortable to tell people right off the bat that she lives here, but it is what it is. And I guess I see it differently than me living in her house, but maybe I'm wrong.
I moved out the minute I could and never looked back, so I guess I can't understand the failure to launch of the guys you're chatting with.
ETA: My mom is planning to move out once she figures out what she wants to do with her life, so this isn't a permanent thing for me.
I agree. It's a deal breaker for me if a guy lives with his parents without a reason. If they're sick or elderly and he's their caregiver - that's okay. If he lives on the family farm - also okay. Other than that? Not so much.
I feel the same way about women living with their parents.
Now, I understand living with your parents after getting a bad hand of cards. If you're getting divorced, lose your job, etc. then why not? It makes sense and the support can be amazing. You live with your parents for a while then move out. I likely wouldn't want to date someone that was still healing from a bad time in their life like that. If they were over it and had a plan to move out then I might consider it.
ETA: It's also okay for me if someone is in school and living with their parents. Same if they live in the same house but different apartments (like a converted basement apt or something).
I agree that this is the generation of the "manchild." And I definitely include my STBX in this category, although he does own a house now (which I don't know that he will be able to afford after I move out on my own). I feel like there are a lot of men in the 25-40 age range that just have NOT grown up. My sister is 31, and I know that she has trouble meeting men who are actual adults, instead of just posing as such.
My sister actually currently lives with my parents, but that is because my mom had cancer last year, so she moved home to help out while my mom was recovering from surgery and then going through chemo and radiation. She owned a condo that she had on the market for a long time, as she was working out of the area, and she was just planning to move back in when it sold. Therefore, she will be staying with them until she decides what her next step will be. If a guy had a good reason like that for living at home, I would maybe be okay with it, but it does seem red-flaggish to me.
DD2 11.17.08
Dealbreaker. I have pretty strong feelings on the "boomerang children" phenomenon. I get that sometimes life gets messy and parents provide a safety net, but that net should be temporary. The person in question should also be concentrating on getting his feet back under him, not on searching for a relationship.
Don't get me started on the "rent is throwing money away" mindset. That in and of itself is a dealbreaker. Home ownership as a right and as the "American dream" have been proven to be unequivocally false. I even read a study about how buying in a HCOL area is actually the wrong move to make.
I'd also balk on the guy because of his attitude. I'm gonna bet he'll see nothing wrong with letting his own adult children shack up with him down the road. No thanks.
That's a little scary, cause I'm considering moving in with my older cousins, it's my dad's cousin so they're my parents' age. I am hoping this won't be a dealbreaker for most guys - but then, I have a definite timeline and plan for moving in and then out again. Anything else just screams laziness to me.
I think this is what really hits home for me. I think if you are in a place where you can't afford to move out on your own, fixing that should really come first. Also I have no desire to date someone who isn't currently employed. I get that the economy totally sucks and I've also been unemployed, but I think starting off a relationship is tricky enough let alone throwing in the job hunt into the mix.
IMO this is not a dealbreaker, especially in a HCOL area like NJ/NY. I guess it depends on how independent the guy is apart from living at home. Does his mom still make his bed? Did he go away to college? Can he cook and clean up after himself?
I know so many adult males who moved back in with their parents. They want to save to buy a house, they get along with their parents, so why not?
I did find when I was dating that men seemed to not get married until they moved out of their parents house. It was like the first woman they dated after they moved out was the "lucky woman," which makes me believe less in true love and more in timing.
This is the part that is the biggest turnoff/problem for me. I want someone who has had the experience, like myself, of living on his own. All financial issues asside, it is an invaluable experience, and living with mom and then with your girlfriend or wife doesn't allow for that. It is important to me that a potential mate has experienced that at least for a while.
I will admit to being particularly sensitive to this today.