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Experiences breaking things off with a great guy?
So after my anxiety attack the other night I made an appt. with my counselor and have been doing some soul searching. I had wine with a good friend last night and was talking about my relationship with J and the anxiety attack.
I think there have been some things that I've been stifling with him that I really haven't been present to, just because he's so amazing and treats me so well. There is a lot of great things about him and our relationship, but unfortunately it's not going to be enough and I cannot see myself with him for forever.
I've told him quite a bit about how I've been feeling but haven't actually ended things yet.
Has anyone had experience breaking it off with someone who is a great person, but just not great for you?
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Re: Experiences breaking things off with a great guy?
Can I ask how you've made this decision so soon? It is that he's going to be moving in the long run?
Obviously you don't have to pour your heart out, but I don't want you to throw something away that has made you so happy as of late. It seems like you and J are open and honest with each other and if this is the decision that you've made, then you should just tell him the truth--he's great, just not great for you. ((hugs))
I did it once. It was awful and I don't envy your position in any way.
sorry
I have dumped 2 nice guys. It sucked both times!
All I can say is be honest and don't ramble. You do not have to create a reason, meaning you don't have to outline every little thing that you know makes him "not the one" it will just feel to him like you are tearing him down or he may say he can change those little things...
Just remember how it feels to be on the other side. Be honest, respectful and direct. It isn't you, it isn't him, it is the combination that is not working.
Absolutely. I totally agree that it seems like it came out of the blue.
There's nothing he's done that's been wrong, in any ways. It's just some little whispers I've had, that have added up.
-He's really reserved and I'm more of someone who jokes around all.the.time. Everytime I joke around he kind of looks at me like I have three heads.
-He's definitely more of a city guy and I'm a country girl, in my heart and soul. I cannot see ever being happy in a big city, and he probably wants to end up somewhere like that. He grew up in NYC and loves the city life, wine, fine dining, etc.
-He doesn't like country music (I know you'll understand this one). The other night "Woman Like You" came on and I told him I loved the song. He actually laughed at me and it kind of pisssed me off a bit. Haha!
Mostly I think it's just a difference in backgrounds that ultimately makes us not compatible enough for the duration. I think BECAUSE he will be moving, it made me rush into thinking about if I really could see myself with him, or at least the potential of it, for forever. And unfortunately I cannot.
But it's hard because there are great qualities and things that make me happy. The sexx is out of this world. He is wonderful to me. Caring, considerate, kind, etc.
I am sorry to hear this, but just be honest and straight to the point.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I have no real advice to offer (PP's advice about just being honest seems best) but I wanted to commend you for having the cojones to break it off rather than try and fit a square peg into a round hole, which I have done before. It's sometimes hard to accept that you can't make it work with someone who is great in a lot of ways but not the right ways for you. In the past I've ended up trying to force it until it turns into misery for both parties. Good luck!
Yep, I had to break it off with a nice guy once after we dated for two and a half years. It was hard, but I was honest and said I didn't see us working out in the forever sense. I took time away and we didn't have any contact for a couple of months, but to this day I still consider him a friend. We occassionally email or get together for lunch.
Achase, I feel like you're rushing to make a decision on J. I also feel like you're looking for reasons to make things not work out. You've been unbelievably happy and gushing about it, and now you're ready to pull the plug?
Granted, I'm not there and haven't observed the behaviors you're talking about so I don't really know. Perhaps wait until you speak to your therapist about how to proceed?
My advice to you would be to try to live in the now and enjoy your time with J and see how things go. It may not work out in the end, but you may also be pleasantly surprised.
Yup, I completely understand. In fact, ever since you emailed about "Woman Like You" I hoped that he would put it on and dance around the house with you to it. You deserve romance like that.
I couldn't date someone who wanted to live in a big city--small city sure, but I hate NYC and would never want to live there so I get that too.
It seems that you two are very different and you need someone to compliment you and not be the total opposite. One of my favorite things about XH (I can count two total) was his ability to be silly with me. It's important to be able to be yourself.
I'd just be honest with him. Are you still going to go away with him or break it off before that?
I love ya, but I kind of think the reasons you are listing are the type of reasons you give when you are looking for a reason to end things. And I say that from experience ... As you know, with bf I went through something similar at about 6 weeks.
I didn't know if I could be with him long term because he is more reserved and I am more outgoing. So are my friends and family. How would he fit in to that? Well, when I gave him the chance to, he fit in just fine. In fact, several friends have said that he is exactly the type of person they always pictured me settling down with and he and my dad and brother get along famously.
We seemed to have different drives in the bedroom at first. But after another month or so, we found our groove and are both very happy and satisfied.
He likes to listen to NPR in the car and I think half the show on NPR are a snore, I like to listen to cheesy showtunes or 90s music that reminds me of high school which I know he can only take so much of. Now when we are together we listen to NPR if the general news reports are on (because I am fine with that) or showtunes that we both like (we have some musicals we both enjoy) and we learned that we both like 90s alternative bands so we listen to that. When we are alone on our commutes, we listen to our own thing.
There were growing pains at about 6 weeks, but we rode it out and it turns out those differences either just needed to find ways to mesh or really didn't matter.
The only one you list that I could see being an issue is city mouse/country mouse. Would you be ok in a smaller city like Walnut Creek (I'm trying to think of Northern Cal places as reference)? It's further out and not as crowded like a big city, but there are still fun restaurants and a super cute downtown and it's a half hour ride on BART to get to San Francisco when he needs a big city fix.
No, I'm not going to go away with him. I'm probably going to break things off tonight.
I had a nice guy break up with me last fall and it was the nicest break-up ever! We were dating for 3 months and had a blast everytime we were together, but neither of us were falling in love with the other. We ended up sitting down and talking and he told me that he loved hanging out with me but wasn't falling in love and that is what he is after. I was really glad he was honest with me and I was honest with him in return.
I hope it goes well for you and I give you a lot of credit for having the ability to assess that the situation isn't working for you!
Thank you. I know i have been gushing about him and I HAVE been happy, and living in the moment. I think what happened was when I started thinking of even the POSSIBILITY of moving I realized that we weren't going to be forever together, if that makes sense.
Another dealbreaker is that, given how serious he is, I don't see him as the father figure I would ultimately want for P. I want P to laugh and joke and be lighthearted. I don't want him to grow up feeling like he would need to be a robot of a person.
This is what I was trying to get at with my first post. I think with time, the issues you're worried about will either work themselves out or prove to be dealbreakers. But I think it's slightly premature to worry about some of the things that you're currently stressing about.
You could be right, but I do know that I feel like something is "off" if I'm being honest about my gut feelings. I don't think I've been completely honest about the doubts that I had until the other night when it all came rushing out. It was like I was supressing it and could not anymore.
But now that you're coming down off the high a little bit, you're starting to see things more clearly.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You hit the nail squarely on the head. It's not that I haven't been feeling great feelings about him. He's a good person and I've been enjoying my time with him. I'm also very physically attracted to him.
That being said, when I had to really get honest about the possibility of a future, I realized I simply could not see myself with him, in the end. Normally I wouldn't be looking at something like forever after only six weeks but because I have a child and the prospect of him moving is something that has come up, I had to look at it sooner than I would have.
I am kind of going both ways here and not quite sure how to respond. One side of me is saying , "you go girl for going for the win and getting your dream guy" and that as much as it may hurt, he will get over it and has the opportunity to find a girl that matches his dreams perfectly as you would find a guy that matches you perfectly.
On the other hand...I wanted to ask "are you sure you are not self-sabotaging good things happening to you?" No relationship is perfect and everyone has a mind of their own. It is hard enough finding someone who does not carry baggage and gives a lot of respect along with adding chemistry in the mix. Relationship is made up of two 'different' people but you are right that each other?s needs need to be met to have a successfully relationship. Have you told him how you feel, like how you didn't like that he was mocking you for liking country? I would tell him those things and see his reaction if it would make him be more open minded and maybe it will grow on him too. Sometimes we need to teach/show each other new things as a person is always growing and learning and does not come on a silver platter all perfectly ready. Don?t be afraid to tell him what your needs are just as well as him telling you what his needs are.
Sorry I am rambling... it just something that I been sorting through in my mind myself.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I think breaking up with a nice guy is hard for a lot of reasons... especially when you have to explain it to others. You are the only one who knows how you feel and whether this guy is right for you.
I think you have put some thought into this and if you feel this is not the man for you then end it.
"Just because it wasn't meant to last, doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be."
Personally, I do not think you are self-sabotaging. JMO. Do you still talk to your therapist? maybe give her a quick call for an opinion if you are having doubts?
Is there any way you can put the brakes on, not let him around P, and just enjoy some casual dating without looking at it to be so serious?
If not, it really stinks. I was on the other side of the situation and it helped me to be able to really talk to him and ask questions. He was great about it and we even hugged goodbye. We actually just talked on the phone last week and he answered a few lingering questions I had. I get that we won't be together and am moving on, but I'm so appreciative of the relationship we had and how he treated me. I hope you can give this guy the time to talk it out with you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
DD2 11.17.08
I agree, Becca, and the hardest part is explaining it to others because everyone wants to make sure you aren't overlooking someone wonderful.
J is someone that I went on two dates with, awhile ago, and decided to give him another chance. So I have given this a lot of thought over the course of time between January and now. He didn't do anything wrong on the first few dates, but something didn't feel quite right, and this has come to the surface again, unfortunately.
I do wish I would've listened to my instincts the first time, but at the same time I also learned a lot from him, about how I want to be treated, and some of the good qualities that he has, that I would look for in someone (such as cooking dinner for me AND doing the dishes, checking in if I had a hard day, being considerate, etc.).
I think when there's a lot of good, it's harder to justify breaking things off, but I do feel 100% sure in my heart that it's the correct decision.
I have an appt. with my therapist for tomorrow evening. I think she will reaffirm my feelings because she always tells me to listen to my gut.
I can totally relate to what you just said. I dated P for a period of time back in January. He was a great great guy, but something in my gut knew it wasn't going to work. It was SO hard to explain to him, and others, why I was breaking it off. It was just something I knew I had to do for me. That was the best explanation I could truly give everyone. My counselor really helped me think it through to ensure I wasn't giving up on something because I was afraid etc....
Good luck and like you said.. trust your gut. You, and only you, know what is best for you.
I am glad that you are going with your gut! I got married after not listening to it, and I know that you did too - there is a lot to be said for learning from your mistakes:( I think this shows how strong and independent and confident you are! You know that you are fine alone, you know what you want, and are willing to wait for it because you believe in love and believe that the perfect fit is out there!
I broke up with a nice guy that I dated for 2 years. It was so hard to end it, and I went about it in a terrible way because I was hoping my feelings would change...they never did. I kept telling him I needed space and time, and I took almost 8 weeks before ending it (we only saw each other on weekends because he was 1.5 hours away).
Best of luck! Go with your gut, it will never steer you wrong!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I truly believe that not listening to my gut in my marriage and before, has made me super sensitive to those feelings now that cannot be ignored.
It's quite strange to me how feelings can change pretty suddenly, but I also know that I've had tinges of doubt over these past few weeks that I've definitely squashed because of all the great qualities he does have.
It was so strange when he walked into my house the other night, I just "knew" that it was over. Something came over me and I instantly realized that it was over. I tried to play it off but I absolutely suck at pretending.
Oh no. This was someone I went out with twice several months ago.
The creepy flower dude was in between. I only went out with him a few times.
For sure he was. He also said he was "just going to keep driving towards my house until I really said no" when I told him I couldn't hang out. Then he showed up at my work AGAIN with coffee and flowers after I ignored his texts all day. There's also been other creepers along the way. Just the thought of dating again makes me very tired.
J has never been a creeper of any sort. That's definitely one of the things I like about him.
I just have to say I'm sorry. This makes me so sad to hear as I thought this could really be something serious and good. But only YOU know what's best for you and I trust you have your head on straight enough to figure that out. I know some PP echo that you list small things that can probably work themselves out, but I think sometimes small things can mean bigger things (like what I posted about a few weeks back). I can be super picky about the SMALLEST things, but ultimately those small things represent larger things. I often worry that I'm too picky, but I think we're just searching for Mr. Perfect (for you) and that's OK. I have faith you will find him.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. If you break it off with him, do it in person and rip it off like a bandaid. It's hard. Then make sure to have some friends to go have a drink wtih afterwards!