Family Matters
chickabonita55
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Well-This is awkward...
So Sunday we stopped over at DH parents house to visit for a little while (surprise visit I might add and because we live like 2 minutes down the road) so we are outside visiting when a car pulls into the driveway-It's DH Grandparents, didn't think much of it and then 15 minutes later another car pulls in - its DH brother and wife. So BIL walks in and says " Mom, I thought you said it was just the four of us coming tonight?" obviously not wanting DH and I there. Turns out there was a family dinner and everyone was invited except us- AWKWARD! Sad and humorous I guess 
Re: Well-This is awkward...
In looking back at your posts - you talk about your SIL, who you don't like. Is that your BIL's wife, or DH's sister? I ask because you say "everyone" was at this dinner - does that include her?
I don't know.... is your DH close to his brother? If not- maybe his brother just wanted some "alone" time w/ his parents and grandparents. I'm not close to my brother and quite honestly, I find his presence at events to be annoying sometimes. Long story to that - but I could see where maybe your BIL just wants a small get together. If there IS also a sister and she wasn't there - it wasn't just the two of you who were excluded. And the possibly 3 (or 4, is she married?) extra people may just change the dynamic in a way that your BIL just doesn't want this particular night.
Clearly this is all hypotheticals, but I guess in the end- even being "family", I do think family can get together in smaller groups w/o it ALWAYS having to be "everyone must be invited" thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The "SIL" I talk about in my others posts is DH brothers wife. It's just the two boys in the family and we just both married into it. The only reason it is something that erks me a little because when I was serious uncomfortable and seriously disliked "SIL" my MIL would always have her around including at DH birthday dinner while BIL was away for the Army and my husband does not like his SIL either. So I said something to MIL and she said something along the lines of "well, that is my sons wife, I can't not invite her" (at the time I was just DH longtime girlfriend ) (other background is at that I was dating my DH for 4 years at the time and his SIL literally flew down to TX dated his brother for maybe 2 months and was married - so they had been together 5 months) Fast forward 3 years- I decided eff it im not going to miss anymore family events because I don't like her and I can tell now (after our serious blow out) she is uncomfortable around me now, so i'm thinking we weren't invited because I make her uncomfortable. So were we not invited because I make her uncomfortable? and if so isn't the excuse for us to be invited because DH is her son and "I'm her sons wife" ?
Thanks for the update/clarification. Yeah - the hypocrisy would bother me too.
But at the same time - try to look at the positive. Now you don't "have" to see her as often! They want to get together w/ their parents w/o you? Then let them. And if a time comes up that you want to make the same request - well, now you have more solid footing to make that request and push back if they come up w/ any of those same excuses.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You really just need to grow the F up and get over it. People are allowed to have dinner with whoever they want. And if you can't see the difference between a normal Wed night dinner and a family event (especially when a spouse is off serving in a war), then I can totally understand why your SIL doesn't like being around you and why your MIL didn't invite you to dinner last night.
(especially when a spouse is off serving in a war),
I respect people who are serving a war and thats one of the reasons I don't care for her - because while he was serving in the war she was banging someone in his bed. Should probably know the whole story before you jump down someones throat. Unless you condone that type of behavior?
and that's why you shouldnt just stop by anywhere.
they're allowed to get together without you
i dont know if that was your issue or what.....
Not inviting a relative to family celebrations like a birthday is not the same as having a dinner occasionally that does not include everyone. I also don't see where it's comparable that your MIL invited her while her husband was gone (think perhaps your SIL might have been a little lonely?) to having a dinner that doesn't involve everyone.
You showed up uninvited at your IL's house: did you call your SIL/BIL to tell them you were going so they could come along, too? All your BIL said was that he thought it was just the four of them, which could be some kind of passive aggressive thing or it could just mean he didn't think you were coming. I think you have bad blood with your SIL, which may be justified, but that you're reading way to much into this. If it bothers you for some reason, invite just your IL's over to your house to get your own time with just them.
In thinking about this more, I'm trying to "channel" your MIL. A few other thoughts.
I can see why, when your BIL was away, your MIL wanted to include SIL. Not to the same degree, but due to DH's job, I spend a lot of time alone. The times I get an invitation to do something because he's busy and the person inviting me knows that - I REALLY appreciate it.
Plus, this is also MIL's son. He's serving oversea's. I could see that she's scared about what could happen. And as such, "taking care" of SIL might have been a way that she felt she was helping BIL. Does that make sense?
But now that he's back - she's able to really see that you all don't all get along and that maybe forcing everyone together just isn't the approach to take anymore.
Just some food for thought.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't condone that type of behavior, but that doesn't change my answer to you about your attitude about this. It would be awkward (and hypocritical of your MIL) if last night's dinner was for your BIL's b-day. It is not awkward (or hypocritical) for your ILs to have prior dinner plans (with anyone) when you drop by for an unplanned visit.
So, you asked your MIL not to invite SIL to things because you didn't like her?
And then you started boycotting family events because she was there?
I'm thinking that you are making it really easy for them to exclude you.
bil was a tool for saying what he did.
I've read your backstory as a lurker. You clearly despise your SIL and your reasons are entirely irrelevant to this situation. You don't automatically have to be invited to anything. You've made it clear you don't care for your SIL. Why are you getting bent out of shape about not being invited to a dinner where you'd have to spend time with her? And furthermore, the awkwardness is entirely on you and your DH for dropping by unannounced. There would not have been any awkwardness if you had called ahead and they said, "sorry, we've got plans. Can we get together tomorrow instead?" You didn't give them that chance.
You can't have it both ways. To me, it seems that your MIL realizes there is tension between you and has taken steps to minimize the drama by keeping things separate.
I was going to type this.
So invite your your ILs over for dinner then.
It's not wrong of your ILs to want a dinner without tension. They don't want you both there because that makes the situation uncomfortable for everyone.
They're actually being smart here.
so I think the awkward part is what BIL said in front of you and I think that was uncalled for. Also, adding grandparents in to that makes it a little bit more of an event then they have a right to have dinner alone with your parents.
If I were you, I would have said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize we would be interupting something" and then just left, I'm not sure why you lingered. I would have said (what I said before) and let the dog tinkle on the way out.
You can always invite the grandparents and ILS over to your house, and not invite BIL and his wife. You can also invite the grandparents one night and the ILS another night, if that works better for you.
Don't allow your ILS to define your relationship with your DH's grandparents. Your H is an adult, he can see them whenever he likes.
I am also giving the side eye to bringing my dog to someone else's house unannounced.
Maybe our families are the weird ones but both of our family members show up to eachothers house unannouned all the time. We visit my parents,his parents, my sisters and they visit us and we all always bring our dogs with us like they are our children - infact we call them our fur babies and our parents call them their grand puppies. DH father actually loves our dogs so much (yes-3 min pins) that he comes and picks them up and "puppy sits".
They didn't even invite you to stay? ouch. I would be angry and hurt...also, this sounds like something my ILs would do (in fact, they have done it now that I think about it) I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's no fun.
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