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How do you know?
Recently I've been pretty confused. I'm getting married in a month and I am not sure if I'm just trying to talk myself out of it or if I'm trying to talk myself into it. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and we have lived together for 4.5 of those. We were very young when we got together I was 19 and he was 22. He is my first real boyfriend and the first and only person I've slept with.
Some of my concerns: He has a lot of debt. More debt now than when he did before, even after we agreed that he would pay it off before the wedding and I even helped him set up a plan. He doesn't really have any drive for the future. He talks about how he doesn't want to be a loser for the rest of his life in a dead end job but continually won't do anything about it. I helped him do his resume and it just sits in our email. I find myself really turned on by other guys, I've crossed the line by chatting with guy friends and talking about things I probably shouldn't be. Fiance hasn't really put an effort into pleasing me sexually... ever, he doesn't like to use "toys". He says he's going to try and do the things I want to do but so far I'm not sure he'll be able to. Sometimes he acts selfish.
Reasons why I stick around: He puts up with my crap. When I feel like he is acting selfish he usually ends up counter acting it with something sweet like going to the store at 11pm to get me pop rocks. He writes really sweet cards for valentines/bdays/christmas. We have all the same values/beliefs or at least can agree on happy mediums as far as children, where we live, religion, politics etc. Most important thing of all I LOVE HIM! I WANT to spend the rest of my life with him. I can see us having children. He is a really friendly guy, gets along with everyone and super nice.
I'm just concerned that the things in the concerned category will never change. We talk about them but it just makes him feel like a loser even when I make it about "us" and not just him. Do the things in the concerned category outweigh the stick around category? Any advice?
Re: How do you know?
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
After feeling this way I'm not sure what I would tell my best friend honestly. Where is the line drawn between LOVE and superficial things like money and a job? Shouldn't I be able to love someone unconditionally even if said person doesn't ever do anything more with their life? Shouldn't I be able to love someone who hasn't paid their debt and help them with it? Shouldn't I be able to love someone who isn't on par sexually but willing to work at it? I feel like these things shouldn't matter... that is if you love someone. But I wonder, is it really important? Is love enough? I don't know.
Your concerns are very valid. Those are ALOT of red flags, IMHO.
I will suggest you postpone the wedding, if only for the debt crisis, which you say has grown, not decreased. That is a royally unhealthy way to start a marriage.
You say he is the only man you have been intimate with, and it sounds like you want to explore your sexuality and experiment with some new things. It is better you do that as a single woman.
He plies you with gifts and endearments after he has been acting selfish? That is borderline manipulative and controlling - he wants to keep you around for himself.
You say when you discuss these things it "makes him feel like a loser", yet he is apparently unwilling to change any of this.
Hate to say it, but I think it is time for you to move on.
sorry - duplicate posting
Money and a job are NOT superficial - they are necessities in order to survive in this world. If he does not have a job, and is unwilling to work, then it will fall on your shoulders to support both of you. Are YOU willing to leave your babies with someone else to take care of while you are working your butt off so he can sit on his? The reason I say this is if he is unwilling/unmotivated to support himself, I highly doubt he will want to become a "Mr. Mom".
Of course, the decision is yours, but I speak from experience.
He has a job, makes money and works hard at his job. The only thing is, it's just that, a job. He talks about going back to school or working for boeing blah blah blah but never takes the initiative. We went through the "hard" questions before you get married and I said that I'd like to be making $100k in 10 years and I want to have a combined income of at least $150k. It sounds awful but I want a really comfortable life. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm the bread winner that makes me feel this way. I don't particularly like being the bread winner but it's not a deal breaker as long as there's a substantial contribution.
I think these things are all very important things that matter, and I'm a little surprised that you don't. What things do you think matter, and aren't superficial?
Regardless of your answer, if you don't want to marry this guy right now, then don't marry this guy right now. "I don't want to" is a great reason, IMO.
Pop Rocks are not a good enough reason to be with someone you're only kinda sorta in love with. There's unconditional love and then there's just stupid blind love. And love should have conditions. If he hits you, you shouldn't just shrug it off because you love him unconditionally. Obviously that's an extreme example, but you get my point.
You FI has no ambition. That's a really big problem, and it's not something you can help him overcome. Like you said, you helped him with his resume and....nothing. He's an adult and he needs to do things like that on his own and he's just not. No amount of nagging and prodding will change this in him.
Granted I'm just going off your one post, but you do not sound like you're really into this guy. It's more like you think you should marry him because you've put in the time together and marriage is the next logical step. You're settling for this dude. I think when you start asking if your relationship is as good as it's gonna get or if there's more out there, it's time to end it.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I really don't know what matters anymore. I thought it was love, the ability to work through things and I'm not sure what else. I almost feel like I'm giving up and getting a "divorce" if we end things. After this long shouldn't it be "like" we're married? I'm just confused. I want to marry him but I'm just wondering if I'll always feel a little like I settled. But then it's like, what if I don't find someone as great as him? I know I made him out to be awful but he really is a great guy.
Ok, the financial part aside, what about the sexual part of your relationship? You said he does not satisfy you sexually....you find yourself flirting with other men.....that is a slippery slope that can lead to an affair if you are not careful.
I stand by my suggestion that the two of you should separate for a while and make sure that he is the life partner you want.
BTW - you said he is in alot of debt, yet you want him to go back to school? Unless you are willing to pay for his schooling, would that not pile more debt up?
That last line makes me feel like vomiting. What if that's ends up being the worst decision I ever made? Deep down inside I kind of feel like I've always wanted to end things but I love him so I stay. How do you even go about ending something that has gone on for so long, had so many great memories, provided happiness and safety? Sounds super scary to me. Usually, I'm the first to jump off the bridge but this makes my heart sink.
It doesn't invalidate everything that came before if you end things now. You still loved him, it still mattered, you still had a relationship that brought something positive to your life while it lasted and was good. It doesn't have to have been forever in order for it to have been real.
As for not finding anything better out there, I know you will, but if you don't, so what? Wouldn't you be happier looking, and hoping, rather than settling for something that isn't what you want and waiting to die?
No one ever regrets a breakup long term, ever.
You have answered yourself in your responses. You need to end the relationship. It is done.
Someone wise on the Knot/Nest said this once: There is a reason why they are called first loves - there will be others.
There are so many people in this world that there is no one single right person for you. So if you break up with this guy and for some crazy reason decide that being with an unmotivated guy who is a crappy sex partner really was the best person for you, I'm sure you can find someone just like him. If you can't, you're not looking hard enough.
And your family is going to be more pissed if they shell out a bunch of money for your dream wedding when you end up divorced or miserable down the road. A dream wedding isn't complete without the dream groom, and you don't have that.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
HA! I should be crying but that made me laugh
How do I make a decision and stick to it though? Like, as soon as I feel like it's a bad idea I start thinking about things and then I feel like it's a good idea. Do you think it's possible that I'm over reacting or over dramatizing this? Afterall, you don't get his side. What if he said "we'll she told me that she'd love me not matter what job I had." Doesn't that make it partly my fault? And doesn't that have some weight on my wanting him to be more successful?
Sorry, this probably sounds all so stupid to you guys.
Maybe this should be a telling sign but when I'm away from him like at work, friends house, out to dinner or on a business trip I don't think I really miss him that much. At least not as much as I used to. I thought that would fade over time anyway.
And then when I'm with him I can't imagine leaving him... Seriously, I'm a yoyo.
I appreciate everyones thoughts and I don't mean to drive you all crazy but I'm a little but crazy right now so please forgive me.
Nobody has to be at fault for a relationship to end. Breaking up with him (or even just calling off the wedding) doesn't mean you think he's a bad person or that you are. It just means you realized that the two of you aren't the right match.
If you promised him you would love him no matter what, that is an unrealistic expectation. You probably promised that as a naive teenager. Now you realize that's not actually true. The least you can do is tell him.
Not stupid. I was having similar feelings when I decided to divorce my first husband. It was super-hard, because my ex was basically a good guy, yet not a day goes by that I'm not happy/thankful for the wonderful man I found 3 years later. This is the life I'm supposed to be living.
Basically, it doesn't matter what his "side" is. Your feelings are yours, and valid no matter what. I think to everyone reading this, you've made a pretty good case that your marriage would be getting off to a bad start, to say the least, if you go through with it. You simply can't stay in love with someone once you've lost respect for them, and you seem like you're at least halfway there right now.
I am so sorry, but it sounds like you don't love the guy enough to get married. He doesn't meet your needs & you don't share the same fundamental goals. If you are staying out of obligation, fear of the unknown & apathy then that is not fair to you or him in the long run.
You deserve someone who is willing to help you work towards your financial goals, satisfies you sexually & meets your emotional needs. This guy doesn't sound like a bad guy-- just not the one for you.
It is so much cheaper to cancel the wedding than get a divorce. There are no kids involved & you both can start fresh. I am sorry, it must be hurtful to see the relationship that feels like a security blanket falling apart. However, it sounds like you are not happy & ready to move on.
In the words of Bonnie Raitt: "you can't make your heart feel something it won't"
It doesn't really matter what his side is. You marry someone because of your side much more than theirs. You could be the perfect girl for him, but that doesn't make him the perfect guy for you.
and bottom line, LOVE is not a good enough reason to get married. You're going to have highs and lows emotionally in a marriage, you need way more than love to make a relationship work. Having a guy that is motivated, who wants a good job, is responsible with his money and debt, who pleases you sexually are BIG things in a relationship to just be all "meh, but I do love him". You'll find someone else that you'll love, and you'll love his drive too....this is not him.
If you dont act now you are going to regret it later!! I've been there! I thought I was in "love", I loved the idea of having kids and a fairytale wedding with a guy that I too did not have a good sex life with at all.
He told me for years he wanted kids and once I talked to him about it before we TTC, he decided he didnt want to be a Father. I am divorced to him now (thank goodness) but I was lying to myself. I was truely unhappy and was too young to live my life like that. Your parents are going to be more upset if they pay for a wedding then down the road have to pay for a divorce! You have to either postpone the wedding, cancel, or go on with something you will regret later (as it sounds like you are already doing). Please think this through and don't do the wrong thing. His heart will heal but you need to also look out for yourself sweetheart!
GL!
People who have love for each other break up all the time over fundamental differences that would lead to misery down the road. I know many who broke up over differences in religion. They just couldn't come to a common ground on how they'd raise children in an interfaith marriage. They loved each other and were intensely sad over the break up but religion was a dealbreaker. Dealbreakers are ok- whatever they are- religion, different sex drives, drugs, levels of ambition, etc. That's why there a billions of people around- because there is an ass for every seat.
You have childish love for this guy- he was your first love. But being mature and ready to make a lifelong commitment means loving the person someone is not their potential. You're not in love with who that guy is and that's fine. Going through with a marriage just because you want a "dream wedding" is not. Because that dream is going to turn into a nightmare when you realize as you're walking down that aisle making a mistake.
I'm a young bride too; I started dating my now husband when I was 20 and we married when I was 23. One main question to ask yourself is: do you love him/not want to leave him because you're scared to? He is all you know and it's terrifying to give up something comfortable (even if you have big issues in the relationship) for the unknown.
You have so many red flags in your post. With your fiance being young there IS still a chance that he's immature and will one day show initiative to have a successful career/pay off debt/be responsible but you should definitely NOT risk that and marry him to only have more debt, now in your name too, and a 30 yo slacker husband.
There are so many wonderful guys out there with the same beliefs as you and who want the same things in life as you. Trust me. I never in my right mind would have married (and none of my family/friends would have supported it) at my age had my now husband not been driven to succeed (for his whole life), financially intelligent in regards to debt/investments/etc that are so important, and mature--on top of all the other must-haves such as same values/desires, friendliness, love, and so on.
One thing you learn with maturity is that a healthy marriage can't survive on romance and love. Even if you're madly in love with someone, you will not be happy in a decade if the reality side (bills, career, motivation) isn't maintained; I've seen many very happily married couples divorce years after due to these issues.
At the very least I would take a step back and separate from your fiance until he gets his things in order and shows that it's there to stay, but that will take years (for me to believe at least, no one truly changes in a matter of months). The best thing you can do to guarantee yourself a happy and successful future is to focus on your own career path and you'll eventually meet someone else with similar financial goals and responsibility...who will love you and also run out at 11PM to get you pop rocks.
"Reasons why I stick around: He puts up with my crap."
That being the first thing on the list is a great sign! It's what lifetime commitments are made of.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
It's not that sex is bad. It's just... not exciting I guess you could say. Like I want to try new things and it kind of makes him uncomfortable. He says he's going to work on it. We ended up doing it in a new place which was nice and it showed me that he was trying but I'm just not sure I can see him doing everything I want to try. BUT shouldn't there be compromises on both sides of this? Isn't that something that we need to meet half way on? It's not like I can get everything I want. Relationships are about compromise and work right?