Relationships
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: How do you know?
Sex can be worked on, compromised on, etc. But you can't make him into a different person than he is. People who lack ambition don't miraculously find drive. That's not something that is part of relationship "work". That's personal growth. When you marry someone, you're marrying who they are- like I said before. Not who they could, might, want to be. So, you have to look at who he is at face value. His actions are telling you who he is. Someone once said, "When someone tells you who they are- believe them". Seems like common sense, yet.....
And it shouldn't feel like tons of work, especially when you're just beginning a marriage. There's a difference between something like me trying to be neater/cleaner for my neatfreak of a husband and him trying to compromise by not getting angry/resentful when he sees 10 pair of my shoes in the kitchen where I took them off and left them for days vs your issues of having an unsatifying sex life, feeling like my partner has no ambition, and thinking I could have a hard time NOT cheating. There are little issues and big problems. You seem to have the latter.
LOL, that reminds me of SJP's line in "Failure to Launch", when Dad asks her about sex with clients:
"Al - I NEVER have sex with a client - I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, when men have sex................."
Focus more on obtaining the dream life - not the dream wedding.
You mention seeing yourself having children with this guy. Really? That's the father you envision for your kids? A sometimes selfish guy who can't be bothered to get off his a$$ for the sake of his relationship / bettering his own life? Wouldn't you rather have children with a man who's willing to work hard to make sure that his family is taken care of?
Right. And look at Bethenny & Jason. They're both resenting each other because she busted her ass for her success and continues to and he's just floundering not knowing what to do. He resents her for changing up the stereotypical gender roles identity he's used to as the man making more money/having more career success and she's waiting for him to get off his ass to do something. Mo money, mo problems yo.
I once had a boss I really respected who said she liked to fire people. I thought, wow, that's sh!tty, but she explained. Obviously, from the employer's perspective, even if the employee is basically a fine person, for some reason they're not the productive, effective, and creative person the company needs for that position.
From the employee's perspective, they're stagnating in a job when there might be something out there that's so much more right for them. They need to understand that what they're doing now is not working for them. Hanging on to that employee is not doing them any favors. Letting them go is freeing them to find what is right for them.
You're clearly dissatisfied with your fiance in a couple important areas. You're flirting with other men a month before your wedding. Don't think he doesn't pick up on this, and if you're feeling this now, don't think it won't get worse as the years pass. Your subtle signals that he's not quite what you want -- feelings which are justified, by the way -- are bringing him down, and will continue to do so. He shouldn't feel like he's compromising you. He should feel that you're incredibly excited to be with him, in bed and in every other way.
You really need to rip off that Band Aid and call off the wedding, at least for now. Sure, it is going to be very painful for both of you. But I think it would be a big relief for both of you, too, as time goes on.