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@ Parent vent.
Hi ladies. I'm regular lurker, semi-regular poster but I have just got to vent this out in the most anonymous place possible. I haven't posted in a while because we just moved back Stateside and we've been jet lagged. We're staying at my parents until we close on our house. I am just so frustrated with my mother right now. She has made numerous passive-aggressive comments implying that she disapproves of my parenting and it is really pissing me off. I had an event I had to go to all day yesterday and she and my dad watched the kids. When I got back and asked how the kids were she said they were great and then told me how she started the day off by having a stern talking with my son about not whining and obeying and how she doesn't give chances, either he obeys or he's in trouble, etc. etc. etc. and then after that talk he was an angel all day. Her entire explanation of this talk she gave him was just filled with implications that I give him too many chances, I am too lenient, I give in too much, etc. and grand mom just isn't going to put up with that.
I asked my dad about it and he said that yes, they generally believe that all of their daughters (I have two sisters) are too easy on their kids and think we need to be tougher. We're talking about the parents who used spankings as a first resort, not a last one. And we're discussing the woman who broke wooden spoons over my butt when giving me spankings as a child. And when the spoon broke, instead of saying, "hmmm, I think maybe things have gotten out of hand and I need to step back and take a breather," she would make me go get ANOTHER SPOON so she could finish the spanking. Seriously? If that's what she's measuring my parenting against then hell yeah I'm too lenient and happy to be so. And it really ticks me off that she started the day off with such a stern lecture to my son. Who likes to be spoken to like that first thing in the morning? Really, the whole thing just bothers me even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I mean, I don't want to be the kind of parent she was, so I should be happy that I'm obviously not as "tough" as she was on my kids. But at the same time, it sucks to feel like every thing I do while living in her house right now is being judged and analyzed. These next couple weeks cannot go fast enough. I'm so glad we're only staying here for a very very short time before we close on our house. I don't know how people can handle moving in with their parents or in-laws for the long term.
Re: @ Parent vent.
Why are you letting your abusive parents care for your children? Your mom basically told your son that you aren't a very good mother, and you know they have a history of violence. Do you have any other child care options?
Do you have any other living options for the next few weeks? I can't imagine staying with people who treat me and my family so badly.
Happy Spring!.
I'm hoping that you at least have had the talk with your parents about how you will not tolerate them hitting your children. My mom used to spank me but will not spank our kids, and if she ever did that would be the last time she'd ever be around them alone again.
Two things:
1. That's abuse. My dad was physically abusive and I absolutely do not allow him around my son unsupervised. Awkward? Sure, but necessary.
2. Are you looking for your parents' approval of your parenting? Do you think that because they were really harsh on you, you are still trying to make them happy? I think that's something you really need to think about. Their opinion of your parenting shouldn't matter to you, especially when you know that they made mistakes.
There's no way for me to write this without you thinking I'm a fool for allowing my children to be cared for by my parents. I have to simply ask you to trust that I know whether or not my children are safe in their care. My parents both come from households where switches and paddles were used without hesitation no matter the infraction and they took that into their own parenting habits. They are aware that as grandparents, they are not permitted to lay hands on our children and being the youngest, I have been able to witness that while they may not agree with their daughters' parenting decisions, they've always respected them. I'm truly not worried about my parents being violent towards my children. Trust that if I were, my children would never be in their presence ever - let alone in their presence alone.
And now, I'm probably going to DD this because I just know I've done a miserable job explaining any of the situation properly and I'm going to get flamed to high heaven for being a crappy mother and letting my kids stay with my abusive parents. And I'm not in the mood for that.
You know, I was all ready to jump on the judgy mcjudgerson train, as well, OP, but then I remembered that my father beat the CRAP out of my brother, breaking paddles on him fairly frequently for stupid infractions.
And yet my brother and his now-wife let him and my mother (also not a paragon of non-abusive parenting skills) watch his two toddlers frequently. And they have NEVER so much as laid a hand on those kids.
So I get it.
For your own peace of mind, though, I wish you a speedy closing on your house. This can't be easy for you.
::hugs::
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Yes, they've been told. And as with you, they know they'd never see my kids if they laid a finger on them.
Lyssobliss's second comment sort of resonated. I've always been a "pleaser" - wanting to make everybody happy, win approval, etc. So I do wonder if that is part of why my mother's opinion means so much to me? I don't know, but it certainly makes me think.
Thank you, that means a lot arborgold. It sounds as though my situation is extremely similar to that of your brother's. My parents were incredibly strict and quick to paddle their own children, but they have also never laid a finger on any of their grandchildren. I know to the nest crowd this all sounds awful and it isn't easy to give a full explanation in one simple vent. You'd have to know my parents to know why I trust them with my kids. While they were so strict with their own kids, they're very much the typical loving and spoiling grandparents that you'd expect any grandparents to be. Again, I simply have to ask that you ladies trust that I wouldn't allow them to watch my children if I were at all fearful that they'd abuse them in any way. The talking my mom gave was as strict as she got with my son. Yes, it bothers me that she lectured him first thing in the morning, but I would not go so far as to consider that abusive as we've all given our children stern warnings before.
I won't flame you. But I would also agree with MrDobalina that your mother's judgement and passive-aggressiveness are the price you pay for free rent and child care.
I hope you get out of there soon. I get annoyed when my mother implies I'm too strict with the table food I let her give our dog. If she was implying that my 3 y/o was poorly behaved because of my parenting choices, and not, you know, because he's 3, I'd flip.
Happy Spring!.
Sounds like you want your mother's approval of your parenting -- which is not coming and what difference does it make anyway -- and you have to learn to let her comments roll off like water off a duck's back.
You could also say, "This is my child not yours and I will raise him as I see fit, thank you" and shut the whole conversation down because, while you are HER child you are not A child any more and she needs to understand that.
If my first comment came across as judgmental, I apologize. You know your parents better than I do. All I know is my own parents' demeanors around my child and other kids and that is what has driven my opinion of what is acceptable.
I hope you are able to have some confidence in your abilities as a parent - enough that your parents' opinions don't matter. There will be bumps in the road, especially as your kids get older and continue to test their boundaries but I hope you are able to shake their opinions off as time passes.
The more I think about it, the less I feel like it is me seeking their approval, more than just being sad that apparently I haven't garnered it. Generally, I am a pretty confident mother. I am purposefully a different parent than my mother was. I don't spank because of the way she spanked me. So of course, part of me is thinking, "great, I'm obviously succeeding at not doing it the way you did." But there's still the part of me that says, "it kind of sucks to get a passive-aggressive commentary on you're parenting skills." KWIM?
My parents hit us with wooden spoons- it's what most parents did back in the day (i'm almost 40... so some of the 20-somethings on here might say I'm wrong... but that's b/c "the day" for them is not quite as far off as today, lol).
My mom broke quite a few spoons on my brother's butts. I was the youngest and never got spanked- basically b/c i was good after knowing what would happen if I wasn't.
My parents would NEVER hit my kids now --- they simply wouldn't- not b/c we told them not to- they just know that's not how it's done anymore... and since they are not 20-something stressed out parents anymore, looking for a way to discipline... they have learned better how to deal with kids. My mom watches the twins 2 days/month for me when i'm working ... so I get it, too.
BUT- you can't really complain about her comments if you are getting free rent. Yeah- it sucks - but you're gonna have to suck it up- or have a frank conversation with her about how you respect her views- and now it's time for her to STOP voicing them if you want to have a good relationship with each other as adults.
My mom has never once said anything bad about my parenting... if she did- we'd have words for sure.
I understand. My mom and I butt heads often because she will undermine the things I say and do. It frustrates me because I feel like she's saying that my decisions are not appropriate ones as the mother. It's very frustrating, and when you are relying on that person to help care for your child, you want to scream and rip your hair out. I hope that you're out of this living situation soon.
Yes, this is it exactly, right down to the "back in the day" issue. My parents believe they disciplined us, not that they were abusive because back in the day what they did was discipline. It is how everybody parented. Switches, paddles, etc. - these were all common tools of discipline and nobody thought anything of it for a long time. I still remember that the principal of my elementary school had a paddle in his office. I can recall a few students on whom it was used. The parents of said students did not turn around and attempt to sue the school over it. It was a different culture as regards spanking. Do I agree with it? No. But it is one reason why the way my parents spanked me does not make me fearful for my own children. Truly, my parents are very loving people. But I still dislike the way they spanked us and don't plan on emulating them in that particular area. And like I said, they also know better than to spank my children. And maybe I shouldn't complain about my mother's comments when I'm living rent free; but lets be real here, we all need to vent our frustrations anonymously every now and again, yes?
i'm not going to jump all over you about leaving your kids with your parents. parents are usually completely different with their own kids than they are with their grandkids.
that said, i would just make this the last time your mother is alone with your kids and wash your hands of the situation.
Anything you can achieve through hard work, you could also just buy.
Agree with all of this. FFS, my parents used wooden spoons on us as kids and they are the last people anyone should stamp as "abusive." Vent away. We live with my MIL, and I'm just death-grinning-and-bearing-it until we can get the fwck away... in the meantime, it's helping us save money for a nice down payment on a forever house, so... yeah.
You raised your children as you saw fit, and it worked our just fine. This is the way I wish to raise my children (including specific examples for how you dicipline bad behavior). I hope you will respect my decisions, or I will need to find alternate child care options.
And, I hope you are able to find a different living situation soon.
It was not how everyone parented. Spanking was more the norm, yes. But breaking objects over their children was not how EVERYONE parented back then. Yes, I'm younger than 40, but even my parents were not hitobjects. They are far far far from crunchy parents and my grandparents were not either. So let's not excuse it with broad generalizations that everyone did it. So unless this "everyone" thing happened in between generations, the board generalizations are not true. The only people I know IRL who were hit with objects so hard they broke consider it abuse...and maybe half are my age but half are older.
That being said op, all we could base our comments on was what you told us. You painted a picture of a bad childhood and then seemed upset that your mom was going down the same road with your kids. I hope you get to move soon.
I actually do think there's a bit of a generation lapse here. My parents didn't parent like that (they spanked, but not with objects), but my grandparents TOTALLY spanked with objects. My youngest uncle is in his mid-40s. I don't know if they ever broke things on their kids, but their kids don't think it was abuse yet don't parent that way themselves. There was certainly a much different attitude towards spanking, kwim?
OP - try to let it roll off your back and just get through until your house is ready. I am way protective of my kids - just ask my mom whom I didn't speak to for 6 months after she said something very meanly to my son - so in your position, I would say "I ask that you respect my parenting/parenting choices, and I would appreciate if you did not speak that way to my son in the future." And leave it at that.
I'm sorry you're in a tough situation right now.
I think the extra stress of moving and living with your parents, with some unresolved issues from your own childhood and your parents discipline is making you feel insecure with your parenting. I wont judge you for leaving your kids with your parents (I assume your husband/their father is fine with his in laws supervising your children as well) as long as you've laid our clear instructions that they are not to spank your children if that's not your parenting style.
Do you have an end date in sight for when you'll move out of your parents home? Are there things that you can do in the interim to make you stress less? Perhaps its one night a week that you go out to dinner/hang out at the park with just your immediate family to give you a break.
My grandfather hit my father with things, and my dad has always considered that to have been abuse. He (my dad) just turned 70, and my older brother is over 40, so I agree that saying everyone did it is an overly broad generalization. I do think more people did it, and that people generally had the attitude that you were allowed to do whatever the hell you wanted to your own kids (and no one talked about it). I can understand, however, how someone of that generation would have thought it was OK back then, due to the culture of silence and acceptance of it, and evolved now to not thinking it's OK or at least not doing it.
As far as the OP, the grandparents don't seem to have evolved all that much, but it's possible they are trustworthy to respect the boundaries now. I am firmly in the free child care/free place to live, you have to do with the sh!t that rolls, camp. I might be willing to deal with being told my parenting sucked, but at the point someone had a conversation with those implications with my kids, we would be out the door, period, and that would be the end of unsupervised time. It's very hard on kids to deal with mixed messages. GL.
i don't think anyone said EVERYONE parented that way... that would be silly to say. But it WAS very common to use spanking, etc - and was not looked down on by society then the way it is now - that is true, no matter what you want to think. The principal with the paddle expample explains that pretty well - if that was OK and there were no law suits- there you go- people in general thought it was OK.
i think you are taking this very personally to assume that any of us said that EVERY PARENT hit their kids back in the day.
I actually agree with the way your mom laid out the rules for the kids in the morning before there was anything going on. Better to talk to kids about expectations during a calm time like breakfast than try and diffuse a situation that is in progress.
I'd try and keep the peace while you are under one roof and when you are out remember you get to make the rules for your kids and let the lessons of your own childhood guide you. If there is a benefit of growing up in a house where corporal punishment was abused, it is that you know that it is not a method you want to use on your own kids.
Good luck.