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Not sure
I'm a regular on another board and a lurker on TIP. You ladies give great advice, so I'm going to let it all out.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, we have a 4 year old child.
We are and have always been social drinkers. I know this is the root of our problems. My H gets to the point of no return and becomes a mean drunk. I can't even count the number of drunken arguements we have gotten into in 14 years.
About a year and a half ago it was really bad and I finally got through to him that if he didn't stop his behavior, I would take our child and leave. He got it and went to see the doctor and a therapist. He stopped drinking for awhile. Things were going very well until last week. He was horrible at a party last Tuesday and then again at another party last Saturday. He is away on business this week, which is good as it gives us both a chance to think.
Last night I told him that I regret not braking up with him before we got married and had a child, and that it is unfair for him to behave this way. He seems to understand, but I worry about if there is going to be a next time for his drunken outbursts.
I've looked into Alanon for me, but isn't any where we live (we are in another country), I know he needs to go to AA or something similar here.
I'll probably get replies to just leave him, and I sometimes think I should. It's complicated as we are so far from family and I don't know if I can do an international move alone with my child and start over in a place I haven't lived in 15 years.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, just any advice, experiences, support I guess? I haven't spoken with anyone about our issues
Re: Not sure
http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/international.html
maybe talk to someone (lawyer and therapist) and make a plan for the future ?
Thank you for the link, unfortunately there aren't any meetings near where I am. I will seek out an English speaking therapist though. Lawyer too, as I need to know what I can legally do in this country in terms of separation, child support and leaving the country with my child.
My stomach is in knots.
I would hope that a therpaist would be able to point you towards other English-speaking resources. If you would be willing to share what country you are in, we may be able to give you more specific ideas. The Deparment of Health may be a good place to ask questions regarding alcohol support groups or alcohol treatment programs.
You know that your H has a problem with alcohol. Does he? It seems like he may, as he has previously stopped drinking. This is a lapse and he may be able to get things under control. He may not. I don't know. What I do know is that you have made a threat. You have to make good on that.
GOod luck. I know this is a difficult situation for you. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child.
maybe the lawyer will be able to refer you to a therapist/al-anon like group/other support services
it couldnt hurt to ask.
I'm sorry you are going through this
Stopping the drinking doesn't stop someone from being an alcholic. In "AA" terms, he's a 'dry drunk'--meaning he's not drinking, but he's not 'of sober mind'--the basic issues that make him an alcoholic are still there. (AA and I may disagree on what those issues are, but we agree that they exist--they may be mental health issues or physical health issues or something--but they're there).
I don't know what's in your area, but there are things other than AA (if there's no alanon in your area but there is AA, call them and/or go to the basic AA meeting--they can still help and may have resources)--'celebrate recovery' (very religious bent, is international), or 'save our selves' (http://www.sossobriety.org/meetings/countrys.htm rationalist/athiest bent)
There are also online type meetings: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/online/A_A_Internet_Meetings.htm
I'd also talk to him about how you feel. Is this a dealbreaker? I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but I would if he did not work on/control this behavior. I would say harshly, "There is no way for me to continue in this marriage if you continue to choose to drink." I'd also lay it on the line. He has to know how you feel, how it's affecting you and also your limit.
You have to think about yourself and your child. You are in another country, far from family or friends, which isn't ideal, but it's also not a good reason to hang on to this person.
What are you getting out of this marriage?
Thanks for the replies and words of encouragement. I prefer not to share my location, but you have all given me great places and ideas to start my own research.
I do believe he has a problem with alcohol. He is never ragey or verbally abusive when he is sober. The opposite actually.
It is a dealbreaker for me when he treats me the way he does when he passes his limit. I have told him this too many times. That's a problem, I don't break the deal. I'm scared to leave, start over, taking our child far away, having to share custody, but internationally etc...
On a regular day things ARE good, we cuddle, he plays with the kid, we go out with friends, he can have a couple drinks and be a fun person. Then for some reason something clicks in his brain and makes him horrible.
It was amazing having a year and a half of normal, nice behavior!
I think I need to tell him that he must stop drinking completely, but I can't force him, you know? I feel like I'm running in circles with this.
This is a HUGE thing to overlook though, on an everyday basis. How do you turn a blind eye?
No, you can't force him. This is a decision that he has to make for himself.
To your side, you choose not to put up with it. You said you would leave. You know that empty threats are useless. That being said, leaving doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. It doesn't look good, to be certain, but if he needs time to straighten out his life and you feel comfortable going back after he's taken advantage of that opportunity, that's ok. YOu are going to have to decide what is best of you and your kid.
One of the reason women stay w/ abusers, with alcoholics, etc, is that they're NOT always assholes. They're usually 'good' more often than 'bad'.
And, intentional or not, that's very very strong psychology.
It's also amazing the way the mind justifies 'not bad' as 'good' when you get used to a certain level of crappy.
Whle you're doing your research and figuring things out, I'd say you may want to start a diary/journal/spreadsheet/something. (I'd reccomend as a googledoc so you have access to it from anywhere)--start keeping track of behavior/patters, good and bad days--and neutral days. Because it's INCREDIBLY easy to say "today was a good day, we cuddled" and have it gradually become "today was a good day, he wasn't mean to me and he didn't say anything hurtful to my kid"--and the latter? that's not a good day. That's a bad day that wasn't SUPER bad.
Thank you for saying this. Seriously.
I think I'm going to look into tickets back "home" for when our kid finishes his school year. To at least spend the summer away. H can decide if he will get help and if loves us or alcohol more.
I will have time to get things like work, school, finances in order over there if need be and have my family around to support me emotionally.
GBCK, the about.com link you posted has so much great info, thank you.
Looks like we will be having a huge discussion this weekend when he is home.
I would say that your H would benefit from some sort of in-patient rehab program. 28 days somewhere he can detox and get the therapy he needs. It might sound extreme, but that will give you two things a.) all-inclusive therapy to help him with the issues that click when he drinks too much b.) Time apart from him to decide how much further you are willing to go with this.
You need to be an advocate for your child. I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that she is observing this behavior and it is making an impression on her. Its probably not a good one. Your husband needs to seek treatment for himself, but also for the health of his family.
I wish you the best. I'm very sorry you are going through this.
I know. Before we had the kid, I used to keep notes of his bad behavior on my phone, I have also recorded him drunk and played it back to him while sober.
Last year when it was really bad, I also showed him the abuse cycle that often gets poisted here. I know I am being verbally and emotionally abused when he gets too drunk.
Unfortunately that phone has now dies and I don't have the recordings anymore. I will start a new list though of our days. That is a great idea to help ME see that I need to move forward and if need be, show a lawyer/judge/our families.
I was so nervous posting here, I'm so glad I did, I can't say thanks enough.