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Out of control step-daughters
I was with my new husband for about a year before we got married at the end of 2011. Going into our relationship, I knew that he had full custody of his 2 young daughters (ages 6 and 9). I had no children, but always loved them, so I was completely ok by this. Adam explained to me and the girls, that I now also had a say in what was ok and not ok for them to do, and that I was allowed to punish them if necessary. At first it was pretty akward to punish someone elses kids, but as the year went on, we ALL felt comfortable around each other so it made it a little easier. When I moved in with my husband (fiance at the time), I knew that I was going to have to step up to the plate more and really help Adam out. As soon as we got married though, the girls went OUT OF CONTROL! They truly make my days a living hell. I get them up and ready for school, take them to school, pick them up from The Boys & Girls Club, cook them dinner, do their laundry, etc. Yet even though I do so much for them, they take so much advantage of me, and lately it's gotten 100x worse. For example: The other night my husband had a horrible migrane so I went to CVS to pick him up some medicine. While I was there, I thought I'd pick up a couple of candy bars for the girls for an after-dinner dessert. When I got home I showed the girls what I got, and instead of being thankful and happy, the oldest of the girls threw it back at me and said, "eww! I hate Reese's!" I was in shock. Getting them ready for school has become a nightmare too. They just don't mind! When the girls were 3 and 1, their mother literally abandoned them. So they both have no memories of their mother (which is good, saying that she was a horrible mother). But when I ask the girls why they don't mind me, they shrug and say, "cause you're not our mom." It truly hurts my feelings since I've been way more a mom to them in just the year and a half that I've been around, than their biological mom ever was. It's now to the point where I truly can't remember the last time I had a good day with them. 6 and 9 year olds should NOT make an adult woman cry, but it's now at that point where I go to bed almost every night in tears. I have so much on my plate, and I feel like I just can't get a break. They semi mind my husband, but not so much. We have tried every which way to punish them, and I now get joy at looking at military schools online for them (sadly we can't afford one). How do I get the respect I deserve from my step-daughters? I love them more than anything in the world and I make sure they know that every single day, but I'm truly at my wits end...
Re: Out of control step-daughters
Has your husband talked to them about you and their behaviour towards you without punishing them?
what did they say?
Here are the issues:
- You're upset they say you aren't their mom. You're not. You're their stepmother. Even though mom was terrible, they don't remember that, kids are interesting that way. No matter what parents do to some kids, they will defend those awful parents to the end.
- You guys did things relatively quick in my eyes. These girls have only known you for 18 months.
- I think you're underestimating how sassy and ridiculous young girls can be.
- Military schools? Really? That's just ridiculous.
- What is your husband doing in all of this?
You need to sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. Get yourselves into family therapy and do something more proactive then trying to find ways to send them away less than 6 months after marrying their father.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
IMO he needs to either switch shifts or stay up long enough to at least get them ready for school. He has pretty much foisted off all of the childrearing onto you, which isn't fair, considering that they're not even your kids. I wonder if it were like this with the girls' mother, too. I wonder why she left.
sounds like your DH needs to get on board. He is allowing this to happen with no consequences.
It doesnt matter that your a "not their mother". They need to respect you as an adult in authority in their life.
Kids can be brats, I mean, I probably told my mom I didn't like the candy she bought for me when I was young because I didn't have a filter to say "oh how nice!" and then throw it away when she wasn't looking.
That being said, your H needs to be involved way more. It's not all on you. Plus, if they feel at all abandoned by their mom, they're probably feeling pretty abandoned by their dad who just shoved some other woman in their faces and said "listen to her now."
Lurker her but I am a step mom to 3 teens, though we don't have full custody.
You don't have SD problems as much as you have a BIG DH problem. He needs to step up to the plate and show that there are consequences to not following the rules and not listening to you. If this means he needs to stay up a couple of extra hours in the AM after work to get them ready for school, so be it. If he needs to get up early the afternoon to deal with after school activities, then so be it. If he needs to lose some sleep to bring peace to the house, then so be it. He needs to step up and quit passing off the hard work to you. He does not get to be Disney Dad while you end up the Evil Stepmonster. He needs to actively parent, which sometimes means being the heavy/disciplinarian. Until that happens, you are stuck since they know nothing will happen.
He needs to reinforce that you and he are a team. That when you ask them to do something, like get ready for school, it is like him asking them.
Finally, when they say that you aren't their mom (I have gotten that a time or 10) I always respond with "You are right, I am not your mom, but I still want the best things for you and I love you." And if they said it in the heat of not wanting to do something that needs to be done, that gets followed up with a "You still need to take care of XXX."
I am very lucky because DH and I are on the same page (we discussed the kids, parenting styles, discipline styles, etc. before we got engaged - it was that important to me since I don't have kids of my own and wasn't really sure what I was getting into). We back the other, even if we don't always agree, and then discuss our differences in private away from the kids so they don't ever think they can play one of us against the other.
Kids are smart and can sense when the adults are not on the same page and WILL use that to their advantage. A step-parent situation just gives them more opportunities to do so. Shoot, my parents weren't divorced but I knew when to ask Dad for something and when to ask Mom - it is just how kid's minds think. In my case, my parents must have had some kind of Vulcan-mindmeld since I could get a No from one and immediately ask the other and still get a No. It was very frustrating. :-)
You might also want to check out the Blended Families board on the bump.
Good luck!
This is what I was thinking, too.
Honestly, this doesn't read like a stepparent/stepchild issue as much as two parents who are really inconsistant, crappy disciplinarians and children who have no boundaries and are running amok accordingly.
Dad absolutely needs to step up to the plate and raise his damned kids, no lie. But you also need to stop taking every act of badass on their part and chalking it up to you being their step mother. If their mother was around, there is absolutely no guarantee they would behave themselves.
What you need a consistant plan of action including expectations of what will happen when they misbehave or ignore you. Are you taking things away, grounding them, making them stay home from their favorite activities? What happens when they talk back?
Also, they need a schedule and they need chores. Enough of you doing everything for their little behinds. It's time for them to contribute to the household and if they can't behave themselves, then they aren't going to get to do the things they want to do either.
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This. OP, imagine for a second that you're, say, your youngest stepdaughter. You're barely a toddler, you don't know your mom, and your dad isn't around much. All of a sudden there's this lady who's telling you that you have to mind her, and you just don't see why you have to. Then she asks you why you don't mind her, and the answer seems pretty simple to you.
You're expecting these kids to be grateful for you doing their laundry, cooking their meals, and picking them up from school? That just doesn't happen. They're not going to fall all over themselves thanking you for taking care of them, simply because kids can be a**holes and mothering is one of the most thankless jobs on earth. Honestly, if you didn't do that stuff for them, who would? It doesn't seem like your DH is stretching himself out very much, for you or his kids. I have two nieces who are wonderful 99 percent of the time and one of them (who is nearly eight) will pitch a massive fit if you give her a fork with her spaghetti, because she likes to eat it with a spoon. She doesn't give a flying monkey if I've spent two hours cooking that dinner. If it's not exactly the way she likes it, she's going to whine about it. Kids don't have a filter. If they don't like Reese's, they'll tell you about it.
Kids are owed a good mother. Unfortunately, too many kids never get that. You may not be "their mom", but you're trying. That's a lot more than most kids get. But those kids are not going to raise you on a pedestal for doing things that they should expect out of a consistent parent. And if you think this is bad, wait until they hit adolescence.
Your DH needs to be a more proactive parent- simply because they'll listen to him. He's their dad, and until he makes it clear that you're not going anywhere and co-parents with you, they won't listen. You need to adjust your expectations. Sending them to military school for being sassy is kind of ridiculous.
We do ground them, but the hubby feels bad when the kids are CONSTANTLY grounding. So they know that if I say no, then dad most likely says yes. We've talked about this countless times, but it still never seems to get through his head.
The youngest (age 6) LOVES dessert. Dessert is seriously what that kid lives for (lol) so the worst thing for her is when she gets grounded from dessert for a week. We do things like taking away tv, dessert, grounding them to the table (where they get to sit for several hours not talking and not doing anything), time-out on the wall, etc.
I do realize that I am not their mother, but I am the closest thing that they have to one. Those kids truly do mean the world to me. And it truly wasn't like I just appeared one day and dad says "ok Taylor is the boss now, listen to her." That happened gradually, and they listened and minded wonderfully UNTIL we actually got married.
I know kids will be kids, and kids have zero filters, but at the same time there is a HUGE difference in not filtering and just being flat out rude and disrespectful.
I guess part of the reason why I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING around the house and raise the girls is because my husband grew up in a home where the man went to work and the woman did everything else. His mom has constantly drilled me on this so I feel like I HAVE to do it this way. I truly don't mind cleaning and cooking and taking care of the girls, infact I love it, I just need help sometimes and it would be nice if I felt like my husband backed me up.
I hate feeling like the wicked step-mother from hell... I would LOVE to let the girls have sleep overs, take them on "stepmommy/daughter dates" etc. but at the same time, I feel like because they're constantly getting in trouble, doing those things would be like rewarding them for being bad. Infact, this past Sunday while my husband was sleeping, the girls were being so loud that I took them to the part just so my husband could get some sleep. So they got to go have fun even though they had been bad.
For a while there, we actually had point systems. If the girls did the chores for the day, etc we would put a token in the cup. And different amounts of tokens earned them different rewards... that was great and dandy for a while, but then it just stopped working. I just wish I knew what to do because I am beyond overwhelmed...
I guess I'm just not sure why you're doing this. All he does is go to work, pretty much, and you do everything else, including raise his kids? What's in this for you? These aren't even your kids. And I can't imagine why his mother is involved enough in your relationship to drill you in anything, let alone this.
Was this kind of thing maybe why the girls' mother left and didn't look back?
I truly love my husband and my step-daughters. I have NO REGRETS in marrying him and raising these girls. It hasn't always been like this, and I'm hoping and praying it gets better. His ex left because she cheated on him. They only married because she was pregnant with the oldest and he felt he needed to step up. I really don't think she ever loved him and I don't think she wanted children in the first place. Last I heard she got her tubes tied so she couldn't have kids again. I love that I can help my husband out and I do try to be the greatest wife and step-mother I can be. I just need some help sometimes and to feel like I am appreciated.
I think you do mind cooking, cleaning, and doing everything for these girls because you expect, in return, that they will be so eternally grateful that they'll be angels for you.
That's not realistic. Also, it would give them more of a stake in the household and look at you as less of a thing and more of a person if you weren't at their beck and call, wiping their asses and doing their dishes. If you don't want these kids to look at you like a maid and servant, you need to tell his mother to step off and make these kids pull their weight.
I'm not liking how you've made out your husband to be this poor put upon man who woke up bewildered by a wife who left him saddled with two kids from a relationship he really didn't want.
That's not reality here and I'm starting to wonder if perhaps their mother wasn't feeling the pressure of caring for the kids and the house and this nosy ass MIL and ditched it all for what she thought would be a better life.
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The fukc? Surely you mean minutes here, right? Between this and trying to ship them off to boarding school 6 months after marrying their dad (and only a year and a half after meeting them at most), I'm not buying how much you love these kids at all. You want them to go away.
Wow you guys are making me sound like a horrible person, and I'm not. I just needed to vent. Sheesh. I love those girls more than anything in the world and if I didn't love them, I could have never married my husband.
Why do I think my husband is great? Because he works 7 days a week for 70+ hours to make sure we have a house to live in. He has always supported my goals, like going back to school and wanting to work once I graduate, he was there for me 24/7 when I was battling cancer, and was there when I had some personal issues going on with my father. The times when the girls are good and Adam does have a break, we all spend it together and it truly is a blast. I'm not saying he is perfect, because he definitely isn't.
I just don't enjoy asking for advice, yet in return being attacked saying I don't love my step-daughters and that I don't want them around. I was completely joking about the military school thing, but apparently you all don't take jokes to well. As far as the table thing goes, Adam has been doing that LONG before I was even in the picture.
I get that girls will be girls, and that they're just kids, but at the same time being a kid does not give you permission to disrespect an adult. My mother would have killed me if I did that.
Being a step-mother is still new to me. I've known Adam for several years, but have only been in a relationship with him for a year and a half and just 2 months of that time have we been married. I know that I have a lot to learn and I know that I don't win the award for being the worlds greatest step-mother, but good God, give me a break, I'm trying here!
Just to clearify things:
1)The girls DO have chores including: folding their own laundry, cleaning their room, cleaning off their dishes and putting them in the dishwasher when they're done eating, etc.
2)I took the girls to the park because my husband is SICK and worked a 12 hour shift. Not to mention all the chores around the house were done. It was a beautiful day out, and despite the fact that the girls were being loud, I still wanted them to be outside. Adam DOES discipline them when they are being to loud when he is trying to sleep, but I was just trying to solve the problem by just leaving for a couple of hours and letting them get some fresh air and burn off some of that energy.
3)I DO enjoy cooking and cleaning. In fact, even before I got married I enjoyed it then too. I've always been a neat freak and I HATE to see a mess anywhere. Cooking has always been a challenge that I loved to face. HOWEVER I do find it appropriate to ALWAYS say "thank you" when someone does something like spend an hour cooking you a good dinner. I was brought up that way.
On a final note, you all most not have outgrown the "no filtration" vase, because what you all have said, I do take personally, and I do take offense too. I wasn't asking for hateful comments on how little I love my kids, I was asking for tips on how I could fix this. I will take my question elsewhere because I refuse to be attacked and judge by people who really have no clue.
I do have a clue. I'm part of a blended family too. If my fianc? joked about sending my child off to military school or expected him to sit at a table for HOURS with no interaction (this is an unreasonable and quite frankly cruel punishment for young children), you can bet he wouldn't be my fianc?. Our responses were based from the information you gave us. You wrote about these girls as if you resented them, not loved them. You depicted your husband as uninvolved and unconcerned.
As for tips: adjust your expectations. Your expectation for grateful, quiet, adoring children is unrealistic. You are setting yourself up for disappointment by demanding that. Six and nine year olds are not developmentally capable of giving you what you're expecting.
What about spanking, is that cruel? What about taking a childs tv away, or saying no dessert for a week? How is making a child sit at a table in a comfy chair for TWO HOURS cruel? I don't know about you, but I'd rather have them do that, then be spanked. As for the military school, what's the problem with that? HE has actually looked into military CAMPS for the older of the 2. Despite the fact that it was a JOKE, I still find absolutely NOTHING wrong with military programs for children.
I'm pretty certain that I have mentioned MULTIPLE times at how much I love my girls and how I would LOVE to be able to do fun things with them IF they behaved. Does that sound like someone who doesn't love them? I'm just having a difficult time dealing with their behavior that in my book, being disrespectful to anyone, is uncalled for and should be handled and if that behavior continues to get worse, more serious actions should take place.
My husband is a pain sometimes when it comes to punishing them and correcting them when they're wrong, and 9 times out of 10, I'm the one that ends up doing it. This is an issue that we've been working for a couple of months now. I'm not defending his behavior when it comes to that, but I am defending that you all don't think that he is a great husband AND father. I say any father who leaves the Navy to get full custody of his 2 children and work THREE jobs AND goes to school to give them a better life, is one hell of a dad in my book.
And actually, 6 and 9 year olds are perfectly capable of what I'm asking. Wanting a 6 and 9 year old to be respectful is a lesson they should and CAN learn at an even younger age than that. That's a lesson they start teaching in preschool. I don't think it's wrong of me to teach my children how to respect people, now do you?
Hmm and how is telling me that I don't love my children and want them around ADVICE? Yes they are a pain sometimes but my God, what child isn't? Advice is giving me TIPS on ways I can WORK WITH THEM on turning them into wonderful, RESPECTFUL children. I don't know about you, but I shake my head at those kids whom throw tempertantrums in the middle of a store and watch as their parents have no clue how to handle them. Just trying to nip a problem in the butt before it gets even worse.
Obviously, you're not one to joke around with so humor must not even exist in your life, much less your marriage which I feel sorry about. *shruggs* There goes my filtration system (;
Yeah, ditto on the blended family part. I was 12 when my mom married my (step)dad. My older two were 4 and 2 when I married my husband.
You seem to expect these kids to do things unprompted well I'm sorry, sister but that's not how parenting works. I guarantee you if you called up your mama right now, she'd tell you that she worked damned hard to raise you to say thank you, to be respectful and not to run your mouth at inappropriate times. It didn't just happen overnight.
I don't think you're a CPS case but I do think you and mr man are doing this parenting thing wrong.
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Hm didn't really know that there was a RIGHT way to do parenting. I've always heard that it's something you learn every day. And yes, my momma did work hard on teaching me to be polite and that's what I'm doing with them. My God, I didn't just start this yesterday morning.
Still waiting on someone to give me some TIPS though, and not tell me what a horrible person I am. *shruggs* what do I know though? Apparently to you all, I'm just a step-mother whom doesnt love her girls, has a horrible husband, sucks at parenting, & wants to much of her children to be great girls. Maybe I'm trying to be a better parent by asking for ADVICE. But why bother when I'm being attacked by low life, judgemental people. Oh well. Least I know one things for sure, my momma sure did raise me better than to attack and judge people.
Huge DH/parents who aren't on the same page issue.
Kids will get away with whatever they can and push every boundary as far as they can. and you two are letting them get away with it, and it's not the kids fault.
Kids aren't grateful that their parents (biological or not) cook, clean, shelter, worry about, clothe, teach, nurse chauffer etc etc etc...they just expect these thing will happen, and that's pretty much how it should be. Gratitude comes later when they understand how much work you put in.
You need to come up with strategies and stick to them. If DH isn't willing to stick to it, then maybe you need to take yourself on a holiday and DH can work on parenting the girls for a couple of weeks.
Also who gives a crap what your MIL thinks about what your role is or isn't in your own home?
Drama queen much? Good lord. You have gotten TONS of advice and support in this thread. I think the only negative things people have said is that your H needs to step up and that tow hours with no interation having to sit still is a LONG AS$ time for kids that age - way too long. Hell, two hours of staring at a wall would drive ME insane.
Look into positive discipline methods. People like 123 magic but I'm not sure the age level. I worked with kids this age a lot and you'll all be a lot happier if you can parent them in a positive way. The best thing I can advise is complement the behaviors you want and ignore the bad attention seeking ones.
Kids are relentless button pushers, now that they realize you are there to stay they want to see what your made of. Honeymoon is over! You might want to temporarily see a counselor as a family to help ease the transition.
But I also agree your H needs to man up a bit and not let you do it all. You're his partner not a live in nanny/maid.
Dude, lady, you were given plenty of advice but instead of thinking of any of it, you're getting butthurt. No wonder you feel all busted up over these kids. If you're taking what we're saying as a personal affront, you probably twirk out every time they neglect to say sorry.
and there isn't a right way across the board to raise children but there are definately wrong ways to go about it. The fact that you're at a loss suggests you fall into the latter category.
But since you didn't seem to get it the first time, here's my advice:
Sit down with your husband and come up with a list of expectations, chores, and unacceptable behavior for your household. Settle on what happens when they abide by those rules and what happens when they violate them. Then, take these rules to the kids and explain them fully. Post them on the wall somewhere that everyone can see. Then follow the rules. They will lose their shiit for the first few weeks, possibly even become bigger hosebeasts. But once they realize you won't back down, they'll suck it up and deal.
Is there anything about that you don't understand? Or perhaps I should use smaller words, more smiley faces maybe?
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