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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Out of control step-daughters
I guess part of the reason why I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING around the house and raise the girls is because my husband grew up in a home where the man went to work and the woman did everything else. His mom has constantly drilled me on this so I feel like I HAVE to do it this way. I truly don't mind cleaning and cooking and taking care of the girls, in fact I love it, I just need help sometimes and it would be nice if I felt like my husband backed me up.
AddamsGirl my H was raised the same way. However I told him in my family everyone pulled their weight and just because I have a uterus didn't mean that I'd be doing all the cooking, cleaning and homeschooling our children. We did premarital counseling and discussed in depth how we were raised differently. How we were going to run our household/raise our children as a compromise of our upbringings was very important because we both had preconceived notions of how it was going to be that were different.
I'm not saying I mind cooking, cleaning and caring for my H because I don't, I just want him to do the same for me so we can have a partnership. '
Also you and your H need to get on the same page about raising his daughters.
I agree with PPs. Two hours sitting in a chair (no matter how comfy it is) is unreasonable for a six and a nine year old, and you won't hear anything otherwise on any parenting board or anywhere else. Just because that worked for your H doesn't mean that it will work with his daughters. You two NEED to co-parent. There's no two ways around that. Kids can sense when parents aren't on the same page and they WILL try to play the one they percieve as weaker. By default, that's you, because they know they'll always have their dad. That's just how even the best, most well behaved kids work. Having grown up in a military family, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with military programs for kids. But sending a kid off to military camp when her disciplinary problems really aren't that bad is like putting a band-aid on an amputated limb. It won't make things any better and may probably make her resent you even more when she's old enough to know why you did it.
As far as how your H was raised and how you were raised: you get a say as to what goes on in your own home. Your MIL does not. If you don't want your H to do something, or if you want his help with something, you have the right to speak up. He can't just sit back and let you do everything, and if you're allowing it there's something not right in this situation.
Kids need structure and consistency. What you're providing is discipline and punishment, and there's a world of difference between the two. There is no one right way to raise kids, but the fact that you're looking up military schools even in jest and the fact that you're at an utter loss of how to control these girls doesn't inspire confidence. YOU and your DH are the parents here. It doesn't matter if they like you. It does matter if they know you love them. The only way you can show them that is by being consistent and enforcing rules.
If you make comments like the ones you've made in your OP and subsequent posts, then you shouldn't be surprised with the reaction you get. And saying that "we just don't get it" (when it's quite obvious that a lot of us do) and being butthurt doesn't improve your position. If you feel this way about a bunch of Internet strangers and pull out the old "I'm sorry for your husbands" card, then no wonder you get irritated at the kids for pushing boundaries. And if you're willing to call a bunch of women who are only trying to help you low-lifes and judgemental, then there's not much we can do for you.
You wanted pats on the head. You didn't get them. And if your only response to some good, common sense advice is "u biitches don't know my lyfe" then best of luck to you. You'll certainly need it when you're dealing with two teenagers who don't respect you further than they can throw you and a husband who doesn't lift a finger to help.
You seem to be approaching the discipline of the girls from a really punitive place. Having discipline and punishment are not the same thing.
Maybe pre-empt the beahviour before it becomes an issue of "good" or "bad". eg you know DH needs to sleep in the morning. You know the girls have lots of energy and would benefit from fresh air and a run at the park. So take them to the park straight after breakfast before them being noisy or quiet has become an issue.
I agree with pp that you need to have rules, know what the consequences, are and then be consistency, but sometimes it helps to circumvent the behaviour before it even happens.
Ph and yes sitting at a table for hours is a) ridiculous and b) clearly isn't working.
Honestly it sounds like the whole family is out of control. I highly recommend family counseling. A counselor can work with all of you to help identify age-appropriate expectations and discipline techniques, ways to strengthen your marriage and reevaluate your roles, methods to support the children going through the huge change of becoming a blended family, etc. This could help you from feeling so overwhelmed.
You are blaming a lot of your frustrations on the children. I agree with the previous posters that your expectations seem unreasonable. They are young kids and they have been through a lot. If you are frustrated then your DH needs to step up and not just expect you to run the whole household single handedly.
Please do not entertain the idea of sending the kids to military camp or school. That's cruel and unfair. They aren't bad kids.
ETA: My understanding is that time-out should be for one minute for every year of age. Two hours is incredibly excessive.
That's kind of your husband's job. Sure the kids should say please and thank you, but as an adult you can't expect a 6 and 9 year old to be emotionally sophisticated enough to pick up the fact that you need validation from them and then know how to supply it.
This works both ways. yes you should punish the kids when they're bad, but they should also be allowed to make noise, make messes because they're kids. And when they're good, thoughtful, respectful, they should get to do fun things. I work with juvenile delinquents and I see two types of parents: those who are so strict and have so many rigid expectations that their kids act out and those who let their kids do anything and everything they want so they act out. It sounds like you're the former and your husband is the latter, there needs to be a balance.
You moved way too fast. You haven't known them very long and you're already in a role giving out discipline. He should have thought more about his daughters and moved slow enough for the relationship to progress naturally. Simply telling two young girls "this woman can now tell you what to do and get you in trouble" is not enough.
You are doing all the things a bio-parent would do. (taking them to and from school, making food, doing laundry) They aren't taking advantage of you, they're being kids. If these were your bio-children would you think at age 6 and 9 they would thank you for doing laundry? If I buy my niece a chocolate bar she doesn't like there's a good chance she won't eat it and will refuse it. It's simple, she doesn't get one. IT's not a big deal really.
Your husband need to take over. He needs to be doing more with his own children. IT's not fair for you to have to do all this, not fair to you or to them. They are being punished over and over but has anyone brought them to a doctor for therapy?
You get joy looking at military schools for the little girls? That's sad.
When will you get the respect you deserve?? When will people concern themselves with the well-being of the children? Family therapy is probably a good idea.
You keep making it sound like your momma raised you right. What is your excuse for being so thin-skinned and emotionally immature? You probably have a short fuse with your stepdaughters as well, and are seeing this from the angle of you being the victim and you'll end up a martyr that way.
Going back to the MIL telling you how to behave in your marriage is nonsense. Each generation can evolve to the point where no particular task is specifically male or female. Flexiblity in roles and duties would make things run a lot more smoothly.
And, yes, forcing someone to sit two hours no talking at a table is strange.
My MIL for a long time would do nice things with the expectation of over-the-top thank yous and other things in return, to the point that she was desperate for attention and for people to constantly remind her that she is so great. You have unrealistic expectations and will continue to be disappointed and angry. Your stepkids probably just wish you'd chill out on that front, and then maybe after awhile when they feel like you don't *expect* thank yous, you might actually start getting thank yous.
Ok, I hope you can read this and not feel like you're being judged. It would not be easy to walk into the life of two little kids and have to learn how to shape their behavior. Most parents get the benefit of knowing their kid since infancy.
It sounds like you have a cycle of really negative behavior going on-- the kids act out, you punish, they act out again. If your parenting style were working, they wouldn't be acting out so much. Let me repeat that.... If your parenting style were working, they wouldn't be acting out so much. You need to learn a different way to relate to these girls which encourages positivity. You need to set up situations so that the kids want to succeed. This is easier said than done, but it's very possible.
A few problems I see with your discipline revolve around length of time. A week is too long of a time to lose dessert. What is her incentive to behave for the rest of the week if dessert is gone? A week feels like FOREVER to a kid, they may as well never get it again. Same with 2 hours in the chair. If you over-punish, kids get too worked up to learn anything from it. Punishment should focus on learning, not revenge. And punishment should be rare. You want to praise the hell out of kids when they do things right, and ignore bad things they do whenever possible. This teaches kids that to get attention, they have to behave.
1) Stop blaming these issues on you being the step-mother. Kids are resilient and they act based on what is going on RIGHT NOW. They would act this way for anyone who acted like you and your DH do.
2) Stop thinking that they will ever be grateful that you are parenting them. It's not fair of course, and you do deserve gratitude, but kids aren't wired that way. Not biological kids, and not stepkids. Mothers' thanks are few and far between for everyone.
3) Stop being so defensive, and stop thinking that the problem is the girls. They are reacting to their environment. The problem is you and your DH. You need to step up and learn new ways to parent the girls. These new ways will make your life EASIER and HAPPIER. The girls will also be happier, because they will be punished far less frequently. Swallow your pride, admit that you need more parenting skills, and go get help.
How to get the skills you need? Read 123 Magic, or something by Alan Kazdin. See a psychologist who specializes in "Parent management training."
I'm a lurker, but you and your H need to spend some time thinking about these punishments and figuring out what you expect the girls to learn from them. Sitting at a table doing nothing doesn't teach anything. It could in fact be a reward if the reason the girl is acting out is that she doesn't want to do whatever it is you are asking of her. You definitely need to work on the discipline as partners.
Also, those girls are going through a HUGE, indescribably difficult change in their lives even if it is for the better. You need to let them go through it and not take what they are doing personally. Partly, they are testing you because you are new, and partly they just don't know what to do with their feelings which is where some counseling could help.
Welcome to motherhood, it is hard, being a stepmother, harder. Your family needs time, you need patience and again I can't stress how much you need to work on understanding child behavior and discipline.