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TIP's effect on a lurker
I've posted on here before, but never gave my full intro, or my story. I figure today is better than any to post, since "we" decided on Friday to get a divorce after being married for 5+ years. I won't get into the dirty details, but after months of warning him that his friendship with a certain woman was on the brink of innapropriate, he finally confessed that he is having an emotional affair and he doesn't want to stop it. I moved out the next day.
The point of this story is that one of the posters on here said
"It takes two people to make a marriage work and one person to decide that it's over."
That has played in my head over and over this weekend. I can not make someone work on a marriage, or even want to be in it. When people are guilting me into "just keep an open mind, when he realizes what a mistake he made..." I just keep thinking: It's over. I need to move on. He decided when he chose to be with her, and now I'm choosing to keep it that way.
So, I guess- thank you to who ever posted that. I know that it wasn't meant for my particular situation, but it gave me comfort over the last two days.
Re: TIP's effect on a lurker
Thanks- So do I! I have a few mantras that keep playing over in my head, one of them is that I don't want to look back at this and regret what I did out of anger. I am *trying* to maintain my intergrity. You know- like not calling her husband who has no idea that my STBXH took her out on a date the date after I left. Or how she went to his work and tried to be physical with him. OR the fact that he let me know that sweet little fact.
Clearly I am still dealing with the Hulk Smash anger. *off to repeat my mantras*
It's one of the things my H had to keep repeating to his mom when his parents were splitting a few years ago. She's a hardcore Catholic, and honestly I don't think even now she thinks of herself as divorced, which makes it all the worse.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least you're making a clean break.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But good for you for doing what is best for you and moving on.
I'm sorry for the heartache you're going through, but I think you're making the right decision.
I'm glad you were able to use what was said here you help you in your situation.
HA! Thanks Broc!
Yep. I second this. If I were her husband, I'd want someone to let me know.
I'm glad you have a clear head about this OP. Good luck!
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I am almost positive that they like the forbidden aspect of their relationship, but I am going to let that ship burn on its own. If I contact him and tell him, then either they tell him that I'm lying (which is probably what would happen) or she is released of the anxiety of telling him (which I told my STBXH that he needs to let him know, and he started crying and said he couldn't it was her place but he keeps pressuring her to do so.) I am kind of looking at this as Not my effing problem! I am making my life right, and letting them drown in their own mistakes.
Sometimes Hulk Smash serves its purpose.
You sound awesome, stay and hang out with us.
In all seriousness I'm sorry you're going through this but it clearly sounds like his loss.
Official TIP lurker coming out to say - be ready for the roller coaster ride. although you have made a decision, your H/STBXH isn't out of his delusional affair fog just yet. A few things happen, especially since old girl has a hubby or her own here are my likely scenarios:
1. You file for divorce pull an Eddie Murphy Raw and ask for HALF, and your H has a lightbulb go off and he wants the marriage.
2. You file for divorce, your H is happier than a pig in shiit and he tells ole girl who then has to tell her H and she flakes out. She ditches your cheating azz cheating hubby who cheats and he crawls back to you dumped and dejected.
3. You file for divorce, the affair comes to the light with the hussy's husband and shiit gets messy because the other victimized spouse wants to go over the gory details and shiit just drags out.
4. Best case - the cheaters get out of the marriage and ride off in the sunset without making things messy.
All of this to say, good luck, and if you have made a decision, stick to your guns. Saddle up and know that the foolishness games have only just begun.
This is my Keepin It 100 advice from the land of Been There Done That Got the T-Shirt, Keychain and Hat to Match.
This is the shiz that I need to know. He was such a controlling twatface, and I feel like I am coming out of the fog. I would love for everyone to tell me - What should I expect? But I know it's so hard because there are so many variables and OMGZ YOU DON'T KNOW MY LYFE! that it's hard to predict.
I know that he is now getting PISSED bc WHEN PEOPLE ASK, I tell them the truth. He is going around saying that it was mutal. Honestly, at the time it wasn't. I was ready to pull 6 months of counseling and try to fix it. Now, I couldn't imagine getting back with who he has become. I'm not broadcasting that he is a cheater cheather pumpkin eater bc I am focusing on becoming as kickazz as possible, but if someone asks I won't lie to cover up his stink.
Now valdiate me and tell me I'm not being foolish!
Well, in my case, I had a small child, so I didn't want to make my divorce long and drawn out. I didn't go into a lot of details with people because I'm private like that. And despite being ready to move on, the factors surrounding my divorce hurt. I only told a core group of friends all the gory details. Co-workers and family I just told the divorce was a long time coming.
What you want to do as far as telling the world depends on you. Do you want everyone to hate your STBXH, do you want people to start picking sides, do you want the divorce to potentially get really ugly, do you want your STBXH in your face and making petty shiit worse? Can you handle an ugly and messy divorce? Can you handle his hooker-hussy mistress calling you?
I'm from the school of No Drama. I had enough of it when I was married to my XH. So, I needed things to go smoothly. When my XH told me that he would fight me, I told him, dude look I have proof of your misdeeds. Do you really think any judge will look favorably upon you? He decided against making it messy and just signed the papers my attorney had drawn up.
And I'mma be real, I really don't think anyone enjoys a messy divorce. My sis is going thru hell and back right now even after her divorce is final. My advice is that you need to sit down and think about how you want this to all be handled. Now, it's not to say that even if you are civil that he won't be an azz about everything. But right now, you are just at the beginning of a long process. It can be amicable, or it can be the War of the Roses type bullshyt. You get to decide the tone and how you will react if he pulls douchebaggery.
My next bit of advice, go see a therapist if you aren't already. Your friends and family are only going to want to hear some much of your biitching and moaning. You are going to need a safe space to hash out how you feel about life, your cheater azz STBXH, and what road you want to find yourself on after all of this is over.