Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
IL Wedding Woes
I tired this post on the knot.com but wasnt really well taken, so am hoping some married ladies will at least let me vent without calling me a brat. My future IL's refuse to leave the US and fly, cruise or drive further than 3 hrs; my original wedding was a destination wedding but plans changed because they would not have attended. I feel as though taken advantage of by them due to the fact that they havent offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner all the while my parents are paying for everything.... my mom is super traditional. My future husband doesnt get it and brushes it off as "they dont have the money" which they would considering they have 10 months to save. I am just sick of feeling like we have to pay for everything with them, even when we visit their house; we live 4 hrs from another and they have NEVER visited us; we buy them dinners, contribute to food costs, etc. I am I being over judgemental? There is no way in HELL I am making my parents cough up more money for the RD even though my mom has offered, and We will pay for it, thats not the problem its just the princible of it that makes me annoyed. The knotties said I was being a baby and get over my self but I think they just havent lived the married life yet and understand the honeymoon phase isnt forever (my fiance and I have been together for years and living together and moved away from family together for better jobs 2 yrs ago so everything we have is all meshed together like a married couple, his money, my money, house, cars, etc) and gave no real advise just whined about how bratty I sounded. Sorry but I had to VENT!
~Soon to be Mrs. Medeiros~
Re: IL Wedding Woes
No one other than you and FI are required to pay for your RD, whether you post about it here or on TK. You can vent all you want but you still sound entitled.
Many of the ladies on TK are already married, so it's not a matter of "they don't get it".
You are being a baby and you do need to get over yourself.
Also, I hate destination weddings. I never go to them, and feel no sympathy.
Why should other people pay possibly hundreds of dollars each to watch your pretty pretty princess day?
Also, parents are not required to pay for ONE SINGLE THING, especially if you already live together.
You aren't going to get most people to validate your feelings around this. Married or not. It's OK to feel what you feel, but you don't have a leg to stand on.
I understand that it would be disappointing to not be given the RD when so many of your friends' ILs stepped up. No one is obligated to fund your dream wedding- it's your responsibility entirely. The beauty of this set up is that as host, you get to do it however you want. One bride on the knot years ago was aghast that her ILs hosted her RD at Old Country Buffet.
If you changed your destination wedding to suit you ILs, that's on you. I'm not a huge fan of the imposition in terms of money and vacation days that is the destination wedding, either.
There is no advice really, have the RD you can afford and try not to let your disappointment morph into judgemental anger.
You and your FI haven't needed your parents for anything for the last few years, why start now? Pay for it yourself. Your future in laws can't afford it. If your mother is so super traditional, I surprised she is paying for anything at all. If I had moved in with a SO before we're we legally wed, she wouldn't have paid one red cent for our wedding.
No sympathy from me either. No one has to pay anything towards your wedding. It is traditional that the ILs pay for the RD, but they aren't obligated by any means.
I am also not a big fan of destination weddings because they're usually expensive and use up precious days off.
Sorry - I'm in the brat camp. If you want a destination wedding, you have to be OK with the notion that not everyone will make it. This isn't about you. It is about their finances and nobody should have to go into debt to pay for your pretty princess day. I'm surprised you thought you'd get any different response from people here.
Nobody has to contribute anything to your wedding. They can choose to do so, but they aren't required.
My advice to you is to be gracious for any help you get (and be genuine about it because it truly isn't something anyone HAS to do for you - it is a gift) and be thankful for anyone who comes to whatever wedding you end up planning. Don't be a brat about it or you'll find yourself becoming a very lonely person down the road. There is nothing people hate more than a bratty, ungrateful bride.
You're talking about principle but it's not a matter of principle. It's your mom's decision to pay for your wedding, it doesn't mean that your ILs should feel obligated to pay for anymore of yours and your FI's party. You're being greedy. Even if you feel that offering would be a nice gesture towards your mom , they're simply not offering and are not supposed to, so let it go.
If you two are independent why don't you pay for your own wedding? This way you could relieve your mom of a financial burden, won't have to feel guilty about her paying for what is your responsibility as a grown woman and will be able to call the shots 100%. Trust me that's priceless.
I can sympathize with your original plans of a DW. If that's truly what you both want, that's what you should do. I find it a bit ridiculous that your ILs refuse to travel for more than 3 hours, if that's really how they put it. MH and I had our dream intimate DW (not a beach one) that we paid for entirely, with our dearest and nearest; everyone else watched us getting married via the webcast from the comfort of their homes. Everybody won. Different things work for different people and that's another story, but however you put it, doing what you want requires that you pay for it.
THIS is the brattiest statement of all! Are you serious?
Your DH HONESTLY tells you that his parents don't have the money and this is your reaction?
What is the point for the renewal in 5 years? Just to have a pretty princess day? That's ridiculous, in my opinion.
What would be better is to either get married when you want and have the wedding you can afford at that time, which may mean making some sacrifices. OR wait until you can afford the dream wedding and do it then. A five year renewal for the sole purpose of making it "wedding-like" is just silly.
Getting married is an adult decision that comes with consequences.
Aw honey....
I am sure that you are going to delete this. But if you do actually read this before you run away, please recognize that when a large group of anonymous women; from different socio-economic, religiious, cultrual, regional, and ethnic backgrounds, tell you the same thing...its not them - its you.
BTW - here is a decent link to where the wedding traditions come from.
***http://www.pibweddings.com/traditionsorigins.html
My DH and I paid for the wedding ourselves. We're expecting a child, we live together, and we're, you know, adults.
Here's a breakdown of our wedding costs. I wouldn't include it, but I honestly want you to see how ridiculous you're being, OP.
$20- DH's haircut.
$100- My haircut/style
$40- My nails (photos would have been taken of my hands, after all)
$400- Officiant fee
The price was right, it was what we wanted, and that was all we paid. My bouquet was a gift from an SIL and was bought from a flower stand. A friend did photos for free as a wedding gift. I'm eight months pregnant so I wore a maternity dress, along with shoes I already own. My parents couldn't make it, because they live in America and I'm in AU, and they're coming to visit in a month anyway. His family wasn't there- because his parents are currently abroad and his siblings had other plans. At some point we may have a vow renewal so our wedding will be recognized by the Catholic church, but it would probably be something similar, just in front of a priest.
We planned the wedding we could afford, and I can promise you, it's no less legal because of it. I personally didn't care about a pretty princess day. I wanted to marry my DH- which I did. And I can tell you that I honestly don't remember most of the service, even though I have a copy of it. I truly believe that most of this stuff that the wedding industry tells you that you NEED is a waste of money.
Having said that, yes, you are being a brat. Nobody is required to give you a red cent for your wedding- especially not in this day and age- unless your parents are also giving your FI a goat, some tracts of land, and possibly a dukedom. The fact that your parents are paying for your wedding is a lovely gesture, but frankly it's ridiculous for a grown woman to expect someone else to finance what's essentially a huge party.
No, sweetie. Just....no.
Okay - so #1 making assumptions about someone you know NOTHING about it pretty f*cked up and I'm getting sick of snarky b*tches on here pulling that ***. #2 the reason for the wedding renewal in 5 years is so that ALL of our family can be there. My BILs and ILs couldn't AFFORD to come to VA for a wedding.....and my neighbors were in Italy so yeah - I want a "real wedding" where my loved ones can share in the joy of watching my DH and I recommit to each other. It has nothing to do with being a "pretty pretty" princess because I'm totally not like that, which if you knew or got your f*cking head out of your @ss long enough to ASK and get an ANSWER before spewing verbal diarrhea.
This is the internet. We can only go off of what you wrote, and that's basically what you said. You are going to have something "more like a wedding". What else could that possibly mean, as YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED. To me, that says you are going to incorporate wedding type things like wedding party, white dress, cake cutting, first dance, the whole shebang. If that's not what you meant, then you need to be clear.
Slow your role, use your words and chill the eff out.
This is the internet. We can only go off of what you wrote, and that's basically what you said. You are going to have something "more like a wedding". What else could that possibly mean, as YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED. To me, that says you are going to incorporate wedding type things like wedding party, white dress, cake cutting, first dance, the whole shebang. If that's not what you meant, then you need to be clear.Slow your role, use your words and chill the eff out.
This. Personally, my wedding won't make it into any magazines, but it was still my wedding. DH is my DH, and a rehearsal dinner, a white dress, all the other crap won't change that. We've got a piece of paper and a set of rings that say we're married, and that's the whole point of all the other stuff.
If you're already married, and you stay married to the same person, you can't have a second wedding. You've already had one. A vow renewal has its own set of etiquette rules. That's all PPs are saying.
Yeup. You can have a nice party. You can still have it catered with music and dancing and all that jazz, but throwing in the "wedding" stuff is pretty pointless. IMO, a vow renewal just to have a party is a little off, but that's just me. Usually they are done at a milestone anniversary or after a rough patch the couple may have gone through. An anniversary party, on the other hand, seems more appropriate for 5 years. JMO.
Back to OP. I hope you are really considering what everyone is trying to tell you. Like PP said, if this many people are disagreeing with you, the problem may not be what you think it is.
I think I love you
No one really HAS TO pay for anything having to do with your wedding but you and your fiance.
If your parents choose to pay for some or all, that is their choice. Your future IL are not obligated to pay for anything and are totally in the blind that you feel this way.
Get over yourself.
I am married and understand that the honeymoon phase isn't forever but I honestly think that you are over reacting a bit. They do not have to pay a dime towards your wedding. Not one single dime. They sound like selfish people...I will give you that. But again you aren't entitled to it. I get the principle but it seems like it is just one of these things you have to get over. It's silly to make yourself so mad over it.
My advice for future events is stop paying for things. Don't let them take your gratitude for granted.
ITA.
Times have changed. There are no longer set rules as to who pays for what for a wedding.
What you may want to think about is if you want to be married to this man and have these people for your ILs. You sound like you don't care for them very much and that your future husband sides with them. Marriage won't change that.
I apologize for my PP, but I have been dealing with some serious judging and being judged issues lately and I feel like this is a site to get advice.....I love writing here because of the support....and OP is only getting called selfish and a brat....and maybe what all the PPs are saying has some validity, but at the same time ILs are HARD to deal with and only get harder with time (unless you're SUPER lucky....which I'm not). So I'm sorry if I came off as attacking anyone or anything like that, I just see the snarky-ness of the posts and get frustrated. I don't want to attack or judge anyone, or be judged for that matter....my ILs do that enough........so as I said before. I'm sorry for my previous post, and I'm tempted to delete, but I don't want to be called a dirty deleter!
I think you have the right to be angry, hurt, etc. You expected his family to be more like yours. It's easy to assume that all families operate the same way yours does - yours is the one you know the best. It's always frustrating when your expectations aren't met.
But I also think you need to re-examine your frustrations - this sounds like a problem between you and your FI, not you and your ILs.
My future husband doesnt get it and brushes it off
This was the most telling sentence in your whole post as far as I'm concerned. You feel like he's not seeing your side, not understanding you, etc. I think you need to get things figured out with him first. Even if you two disagree completely, you both need to acknowledge the other person's perceptions of the situation.
I am just sick of feeling like we have to pay for everything with them and I feel as though taken advantage of by them
Tell this to your FI. Maybe not in those exact words. Be sensitive to the fact that this is his mommy and daddy you're talking about... but you two should be able to plan out what you're going to spend on them, how long you stay with them, how often you go see them. (Do you always have to go along??)
It sounds like there's probably a lot of back story here and you're already upset with them for a hundred other things. Probably anything they did or said at this point would irritate you, no matter how sound the reasoning. I think we've all been there with somebody. Doesn't make it right, but it happens. You just have to decide what to do now.
You can not change your ILs. They are going to be who they have always been. I think you and your FI need to find and plan a way to be nice to his family without making you feel like they're taking advantage of you.
Tread lightly. Remember that these people have been the most important people in his life for a very long time.
Crap. I'd better call my husband and tell him we haven't actually been married for the last 7 years since I got married in a t-shirt and the courthouse without everyone we know clapping for us.
And OP you're definitely being selfish and whiny. Why on earth should people low on cash have to save up for 10 months to throw you a party? And how can you not think it's selfish to expect that? This whole thread gives me an angry headache.
FTW!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
if they have 10 months to save for the rehersal dinner, you do too! Start saving and pay for it yourself!
WHAT? You expect the Princess to actually pony up for her OWN party?
Having just finished my second wedding, (The first marriage didn't work out, this is a man I'm crazy about, and the wedding was small, inexpensive, and PERFECT!), I can't imagine why anyone would want to be beholden to their new in-laws. Family relationships are tough, particularly as you mesh different families with different traditions. Adding money to the mix only makes things more difficult.
I think that paying for your own wedding and rehearsal dinner would be a wonderful way to take control of this very important time in your lives together. It would also be a great boot camp for budgeting, compromising, and working together. In addition, it would take the pressure off of family members and give you both the fresh start you need.
Save up and have the wedding you can afford, on your own dime. Then you can hold your head high around both your family and his.