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The Marriage, The Mistress, and The Mania-UPDATE
Update: The doctors have given my grandmother 2-12 months to live, given she gets chemo...and she is unsure if she wants to go through all of that.
So....it doesn't matter much anymore.
Thanks for all of your advice, ladies.
First and foremost, I must mention that, although this matter is extremely personal, it isn't actually happening to me....and I know many will think that I should keep my nose out of it, but trust me when I say that doing so is virtually impossible.
Anyhow.
Story:
About a year and a half ago, my grandmother discovered that my grandfather had been having an affair right under all of our noses.. The woman that he had been sleeping with was his tenant, my neighbor, and disturbingly enough, someone that I had once considered my friend (although she was almost 40 years my senior). This revaltion came a few weeks before my wedding, which ended up being a devastating blow on my grandmother's mental health. In short, she was forced to sit in the same room with the man who had just thrown 30 years of marriage out the window to sleep around with some middle-aged gold-digger.
Despite the pain and distress it must have caused her, my GM tried everything in her power to shield me from the devestation that was engulfing the family in hopes that my wedding day would not suffer the consequences of my grandfather's pathetic actions. She allowed him back to their home to attend our rehearsal dinner and she sat a few chairs away from him during the ceremony...and she kept her head held high...until she could slip away and let it all out in secret.
From then to now, a lot has happened. Their divorce is still not final, yet my GF' lives with his mistress in a home that he bought only a few months after the affair was discovered. He has tried everything in his power to make my GM's life difficult, from canceling her credit cards (and re-issuing them to his mistress) to filing appeal after appeal in hopes to delay paying her alimony. He flaunts his affair shamelessly, posting photos of himself and the other woman on fancy cruise, taking her to dinner with people who USED to be their mutual friends, and now he has demanded that he be allowed to bring said mistress to his son's wedding, which is only a few months away.
My GM is heartbroken, obviously. She hates the idea of having to look at the two people who demolished her livelyhood, (understandably) and is miserable with anxiety about the whole thing. Her son (the groom) agreed to allow the mistress to attend when he was asked (AKA: rudely and deliberately put on the spot) by my GF if she was invited to the wedding. I don't know how or why exactly he agreed...but he did.
Upon learning of this plan, my GM has asked her son multible times to re-consider, only to be told that he fears that his father will not attend if he denies his request. Both her son and his FI have told my GM that she should "be the bigger person." Honestly, I could kick the both of them in the shins.
Now, here's where things get tricky. My GM has been worried about this for a long time...but suddenly, a few days ago, the circumstances got even worse. My 60 year old GM has just recently learned that she has three tumors in her lungs...and all three of them are cancerous.
Even more than ever, I feel that my grandmother deserves (and NEEDS) to be able to enjoy her son's wedding without having to see the woman who ruined everything sitting only a few tables away. She has even said that she may not be up to attending, as the cancer treatment will have weakened her, so the stress of sharing a room with the other woman may be entirely too much for her body and mind to handle. This truly breaks my heart.
I want to say something to my GF. We rarely speak these days, as I am disgusted by his actions and am angered that he could be treating my GM in this way after all that she has done for him and us in the last 30 years. Regardless of our lack of communication, I feel the need to ask him to reconsider bringing the other woman, but I don't know if its my place or if it could make matters worse. My uncle and his FI are not changing their minds, simply because "they already agreed to it" and don't want to face the sort of conflict that would come with retracting the other woman's invitation. The only way that she won't be there is if my GF agrees to leave her at home.
What can I do....I need to do something??? I have to. She's been the bigger person long enough and I am infuriated that her son and his FI would even suggest that she should consider doing so, especially with her diminishing health.
I just don't know what to say...my GF is a stubborn and ignorant person....a few wrong words and the message will never get through.
Help!
Re: The Marriage, The Mistress, and The Mania-UPDATE
I really hate to say it because I understand why you're so upset, but this seems to fall into the MYOB category. No doubt that your GF and the groom are both being jerks but it is what it is. It's an unfortunate side effect of divorce. Divorced or divorcing parents will have to put aside their feelings for celebrations on occasion.
From the way you write, you seem (justifiably) really, really angry at your GF. I think it's unlikely that you'd be able to bring up the subject in a way that would be productive. And really, when you're not really speaking to him as it is, I really doubt he'd even be open to the conversation once he realizes you're talking to him to tell him how to behave.
I'm really sorry for what your grandmother is going through. I hope her treatments are successful.
I agree that it doesn't involve you, you need to stay out of it. Support your grandmother, but you don't need to take sides. This is their relationship, not yours.
As for the gold digging girlfriend, I think your anger is misdirected. She's not the one that ruined that family, he is. I think it's strange that his girlfriend even wants to go to these family events, but whatever.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You're probably right. The prospect of talking to him was concocted from a conversation with my GM a few days ago....she said that she was going to try to talk to him herself, but the thought of him crushing her attempt breaks my heart, and I really don't know how much more she can take. Some time ago, when I was really, really young, she had a legit mental breakdown and had to be admitted to the hospital for a week or so. She takes anti-anxiety meds now, but I don't know if their strong enough to stop another breakdown when it comes to this horribly messy situation.
And my GF was there when it happened. I just really expected better of him, I suppose.
Pour a glass of water over the mistress's head at the reception. And plenty of red wine on her dress. Done.
Tell your grandmother your plans and that she'll have a ball at the wedding.
I am very angry at my GF's selfish actions...and I know that the blame falls heavily on him, but, the other woman's actions have been so decieptful that I cannot stop my blood from boiling when I think about it.
She befriended me while she was in the midst of an affair with my GF.
She also attended one of our 4th of July parties a few years ago...and she introduced herself to my GM and my entire family....only to later reveal that they were already in the midst of the affair at that point in time.
I'm mad at her for the boundaries she crossed and the motives she had for formulating a relationship with me.
ETA: I was wondering the same thing. Idk if I could wake into a room, knowing that every single person there was side-eying the sh!t out of me and talking about how horrible I was for breaking up such a long-standing marriage.
I'd like to change my answer. This one is also very good.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Ahaha, thank you for that late night (early morning) LOL. I needed it. Bad.
Okay, but again, you don't know what was happening within their relationship, what he was telling her, etc. Why wouldn't she befriend you? You were her neighbour. Maybe she had hopes to one day be a part of your family, as she was in love with your grandfather. Idiotic and boundary crossing, probably. But it may not have been as malicious as you think.
I don't know. It just rubs me the wrong way when the blame gets put on the other woman or man, when I feel that the blame should be solely placed on the person having the affair in the first place.
I also think that you're going to be much happier, as will everyone else, if you just accept that holy crap, this is awful, let's be supportive, stay out of it and just let this play out. This woman may very well be a fixture in your family for the rest of your lives, is it worth keeping so much hatred toward her and your grandfather to the end? I'm hardly suggesting that you and "the mistress" paint each other's toe nails, but being civil at family functions and firmly staying out of it as well as letting go of that anger could be a good way to move forward.
It sucks to be your grandmother in this, but it doesn't have to suck to be you.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I think you can only control what yourself. Your grandma needs to know this.
I would tell her to get a good lawyer, and go after all of the money she is entitled to. If she is living in the primary residence, she should have access to most of the important papers. The house he is living in with his mistress? It's 1/2 hers (or chances are high that it is, since he purchased it while they were still married - unless he covered himself legally)! She will probably be entitled to half of it once the divorce is final - hopefully that will make her feel better.
Personally, if I were your grandma, and I found out my health was compromised, I would want the divorce to go ASAP so that if I died all of the assets wouldn't stay with my stbX and his mistress. If they divorce, and she gets 1/2, she can will it to whomever she wants - she can cut her son out entirely if she is feeling bitter (doesn't sound like she would do this), or give it all to her favorite chairty. But at least her cheating ex and his gold-digging girlfriend won't be able to spend it!
I would not invite a guest to bring their mistress to my wedding if the guest was still married to someone else. But it's the groom's choice, and he shouldn't have to get married WITHOUT his dad.
Therefore his girlfriend cannot be in attendance as his guest. It is an etiquette thing.
And he should do the right thing by you and ask his girlfriend to sit this one out.
"Mistress" has incorrectly gotten redefined ever since that joke of an event that took place with that now has been golfer. A mistress is somebody that is essentially a kept woman. The guy puts her up in an apartment or home and pays all of her expenses, buys her fancy gifts and in return she is his and his alone.
It's somebody he has had an affair with but by no means is this his mistress.
I'm sorry you're going through this, especially given you grandmother's health issues.
But it is a MYOB situation. You have no idea what the relationship between your grandparents was that could have caused your GF to completely disregard his marriage vows.
Given that your GM is only 60, I'm guessing you are very young maybe there is history to which you are not privy.
I'm also thinking your siggie about "knights in shining armor" is a real disconnect with your grandmother seeing her STBX as "her livelihood". Certainly, she is entitled to 1/2 the marital assets and sousal support, especially given her health. I do hope she is able to maintain her health insurance.
That sentence disturbs me...possibly because I JUST found out about the cancer a few days ago and the possibility of her death hadn't quite reached my thoughts just yet.
The money's not an issue anymore if she is found to be terminal.
My main concern is that, because of the devestation that she's been through, she won't be able to fully participate in the joy of the wedding despite the fact that she has earned the right to do so throughout the last 30 years. My GF's girlfriend has not earned that right, especially since my GF has yet to actually split from his wife (in any legal manner). I think the other woman's attendance could be the deciding factor as to if she can muster up the energy to fight through her exhaustion and illness long enough to be there.
The quote is from "The Business of Being Born" and its about natural childbirth...I'm not a feminist, I promise.
And as she has been a homemaker and SAHM for the last 20 years, he sort of is (and was) her livelihood.
I really wish she had health insurance, but he canceled it before he split because it was "too expensive and unnecessary.' She hasn't been able to find a company that will insure her...and I'm sure the newly discovered cancer absolutely sealed the deal.
Ugh, I know this is a mess, and I know I should stay out of it, but I just don't know how to watch her go through all of this knowing that she is without anyone to advocate on her behalf.
All I want to say is this really sucks. I went through something similar with my parents a few years ago and we are still dealing with my father. I am working on forgiveness for myself. It is hard because what he did did directly affect me although he had the affair with my mother. I lived with them as did my two siblings and the fights, and mental difficulties that the divorce and affair brought up were very much our problem too.
I would focus on your long range personal mental health and your grandmother. I would at some point tell your grandfather how it made you feel and how it affects you. I think often time people having affairs like to live in a la la land that what they do only affects their partners. As soon as you are asking other people to participate in your relationship or hear your troubles you are opening the door for other peoples feelings and opinions. By having the affair, he opened to door to getting other people involved in their relationship and he need to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fall out. If you tell him how you feel in a cohesive direct manner just the two of you, but also say that you would like to have a relationship with him although obviously you don't know how right now. That might bring peace to you in the situation. While your grandmother is sick now, anyone can die at any time and I think its impotent to say what you need to.
You can choose not to have a relationship with your GF again after what he has done to your GM, but you can't ask or tell GF's son to uninvite him to his wedding. GF's son and wife made that tough decision on their own, and they are probably already well aware that their decision isn't going to jive with everyone. GF's son has a right for his dad to be at his wedding, and probably has accepted the only way his dad will be there is if his new girlfriend is there too. GF's son may choose to not like the situation, but is choosing to take what he can get.
Yes, what has happened to your GM is unfair and unjust, but at the same time I think it's unfair of (a) GF demanding his new girlfriend to be at his son's wedding and (b) your GM insisting that new girlfriend not be there. It's unfair for their son and his future wife to have this drama attached to their wedding. In a sad way, GM will have to put her son's feelings ahead of hers, and accept the fact that her son wants his dad at the wedding even if his dad's girlfriend is there too.
I say this because my mom's side of the family is feuding right now over disagreements over my grandmother's will after her passing. Their problems aren't solved yet and won't be for a long time, and my mom is not speaking to one of her sisters, a sister who is full of drama. My younger brother is getting married this month, and not long ago my mom considered asking my brother to uninvite her sister, his aunt. I told her not to do that, because it's not fair for my brother to be put in the position of making his wedding the point of conflict because it's not his fight. (My aunt is not even going to the wedding for her own reasons, so this issue fizzled out.) Otherwise, my aunt would tell the world forever that my brother uninvited her to his wedding, when he is far removed from the feud.
(edited first sentence)
to put things lightly, I wish grandma had a super hot date of her own!
The son is in a difficult spot, to honor one's parents wishes is to go against the other, I wouldn't choose the same way he did but I appreciate the difficulty.
I think you, and other family, needs to rally around grandma and give her tons and tons of support, she'll need it for the wedding and for her recovery!
I think this is my favorite answer thus far. Maybe this is the attitude we all need to adapt concerning this matter....thank you!
This is thing, your grandfather and his girlfriend have already shown that they are selfish and don't care about others feelings. If anything, confronting them is going to feed their sense of forbidden love, us against the world blah blah blah and increase their attempts to paint you as the bad one and justify why they've done nothing wrong. People like this will always have an excuse for themselves as to why they aren't bad people. If you're trying to embarass them or make them feel remorse, it's just not possible. People like that get off on playing mind games. If you stoop to their level, the only thing that happens is you joining them as being worthless trash.
Your grandmother is right, the best revenge is living well. It takes patience sometimes but it will pay off. Even if they never get what's coming you keep your integrity intact. I would just support your grandmother, make sure to be there for her and tell her that you love her. Id also limit contact with the grandfather and let whatever happens happen.
I understand your desire to fix this situation. That said, I don't think that you can. Your GF has made really awful choices. But you are deluding yourself if you think that he is going to straighten up and not bring his girlfriend to the wedding if you confront him. You cannot control his actions.
I feel really bad for your uncle. He's in a horrible spot, and it's really not fair to judge his decision to invite the girlfriend. He's doing what he has to in order to have his father attend his wedding. His dad may be a terrible jerk but he's still his dad. Your uncle could never undo not having his dad at his wedding.
Even though your uncle is an adult, he is still a child of the marriage. He should never be made to choose between his parents. Since your GF is a selfish jerk, it does fall on your GM to "be the bigger person" in this case. It's not fair but it is what it is.
I hope that your GM's health (mental and physical) improves and that she can enjoy the wedding with the support and love of your family. I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I am sure that it really is heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.
I know I'm late to this party, so to speak, but I've been thinking about this for two solid days. It reminds me so much of a situation that happened in my own family.An uncle and aunt of mine broke up after thirty or so years (they were high school sweethearts), Soon after, my uncle married another woman who he'd been having an affair with for about two years.
The thing is, it wasn't my now-aunt's fault. I saw my uncle and aunt twice a year, and when I was six years old I knew something wasn't right in that marriage. It had died a long time before the other woman ever came into the picture. Things got so bad in the family that my cousin didn't invite her father to her wedding (that he paid for) because he would have brought his wife- which is something she now regrets. My own grandfather died before he could see how different my family became when my cousins finally accepted my aunt in their lives. They knew she wasn't going anywhere, and that made the difference.
Every relationship is different. No one really has a clue what goes on behind closed doors except the couple themselves. And as much as it sucks, your GM does need to "be the bigger person", because as my own GF always used to say, "you can't paint when you've only been given crayons."
Understand I think your GF and his girlfriend are both asses. Your GF's girlfriend has shown herself to be a bit of a jerk, to put it lightly. But at the same time, it takes two to tango- and your GF is as much to blame for this situation as she is, if not more so. Please trust me when I tell you that, as much as you may feel like you are, you are not directly involved in this and therefore have no say.
You clearly love your grandmother, which is admirable. But you won't be able to fix anything by stomping your foot and saying how unfair things are. Your GF isn't going to straighten up and fly right, simply because he doesn't feel that he's done anything wrong- and no matter how loud you scream at him, that won't change.
I think this would be different had my grandparents split the right way. If he had just fessed up and asked my grandmother for a divorce, I would not be NEARLY as angry as I am right now.
But he had to be caught, sneaking out of the woman's window when my grandmother stopped by his office to say hi. And then he defended his actions, saying "I just want to be selfish and do what I want, f*ck everyone else."
Oh, and then he completely screwed my grandmother over about a thousand times. He tricked her into signing for a home loan (for the house he bought for his girlfriend and himself) by telling her it was an application for a loan for their son to start building on their property. He switched the last page to the signature page for the home loan and she signed it. $180,000.00 on her credit so he could live with his girlfriend. Strike one.
He then proceeded to hire someone to enter their home when she was on vacation and take everything. Seriously. Everything. She came home to a ramsacked house. Strike two.
He cleared out every bank account they had and only sometimes does he deposit the sum they agreed on post-court. He also canceled her card and left her a message saying that he "hoped that she had enough cash for gas to get home" while she was a few states away with his own mother. Strike three.
The list goes on and on, seriously.
The fact that he chose to go about things this way makes me firmly believe that maybe HE should have to be the one who sucks it the *** up, not her.
I hear you. I do. But there's nothing you can do about it, and there's nowhere to direct your outrage except at someone who honestly doesn't seem to care. He doesnt give a crap about anyone else, so unfortunately it does fall to your grandmother to be the bigger person- or else more innocent people who had nothing to do with this (like your uncle and his FI) will get hurt.
You're right. He should be the bigger person. But he won't. So where does that leave the people who aren't involved in this (like you, your uncle, his FI, and the rest of your family)? You guys get to choose sides and snipe at each other, destroying your own relationships with each other, while hurting your grandmother even more as she watches her family fall apart. And your GF gets to sit on the sidelines with his girlfriend and watch as you tear each other apart. It's already happening, and I can tell you now that it takes YEARS to repair fallout like that.
I think the worst thing that could happen here for your GF is for people to ignore what he did entirely. To be polite to his gf, to be polite to him, to support your GM as much as possible (monetarily and emotionally), and to simply keep living your lives as if it didn't matter. For someone as selfish as your GF seems to be, the drama that he's causing is part of the excitement. So take the drama away. Love on your grandmother and treat your grandfather and the girlfriend as if they don't matter- because that's the worst thing that can happen to someone like him.
I really feel you are butting your nose where it does not belong.
1) It is not your wedding to decide who is invited. The invitations have gone out and I feel it is wrong that you feel the groom needs to have this foolishness on his mind.
2) The new girlfriend didn't ruin your GM's "everything." Her marrige was between her and your GF. She really should not want to see HIM.
3) It is what it is. They are getting divorced. He is living with this woman, they were invited, etc, Whoever is uncomfortable should stay home.
I completely agree. OP, you ask for advice but keep coming back with something against all of the advice that you have been given. You just want to be angry about it, fine, that's on you. But you should take the above to heart. Especially point 2. And 3.
And 1.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You're right. I'm pissed. I'm really f**cking pissed, actually. I really just wanted her to be able to enjoy ONE thing before she passes away. But its too much to ask. The douchecanoe still refuses to leave the other woman home in the (slightly unlikely) possibly that my grandmother is both 1: still with us in October and 2. well enough to attend the wedding.
He's a bad person and I am done.
And I do apologize for rebutting the advice that was given to me. The whole scenario sounds so outrageous to me, so I guess I thought it would to everyone else as well..but that's not the case and that's perfectly ok. Thank you all.
You pretty much just summed up my opinion on the whole situation to a T.
I sent him an email and he read it, but never responded back....so I think I'll go ahead and cut my ties, to be honest.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine how angry you must be. The fact is, it's his fault, but it's also the other woman's fault. A previous poster said she gets annoyed when people blame it on the other woman, but it takes two to tango. She is just as wrong as he is. I think there is nothing wrong with letting your grandpa know how you feel. It may not be your business, but you care for your grandma and everyone is entitled to their opinion. If it can help you feel better to let him know how you feel, I think you should tell him.
I hope that, even if your gma can't go to the wedding, you will. I agree that you should make that the most uncomfortable event that bimbo and your grandfather have ever been to. It might be cathartic for you, and it would certainly get the point across that you are not condoning their actions, and no one wants them around.
TBH, it surprises me that more people are going the "MYOB" route. Not that it's wrong, just that this situation is one of the very few that it seems more appropriate not to mind your own business. Be proud that you have much more self control than I do.