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How to tell my husband a big deal breaker secret?
(Read this paragraph last iPod being a pain.)end. I think he knows now. He saw a Facebook post that stated I was an atheist. But we haven't talked about it directly. If we do, it would sound like I lied to him just to get him back. And it does look that way. I just don't know, did I have some mental break down and unconsciously convince myself of something to gain something else. What we both did was wrong to each other on purpose or not. So how do I start to set things right?
(Start): Ok this is very bad. I don't keep secrets or lie. Here's the story. I met my husband 2 years ago, on our second date I noticed he was a Christian. I'm an atheist. I told him if this would be a problem he needs to tell me now. After a few days of silence he said no. Forward to six months into our relationship. We live together have been for four months. Fast I know. We are engaged and his parents hate me since I'm an athiest, assholes even gave me a bible for Christmas. They have been trying to break us up since we live it sin. He has almost left 2 times because of it saying it won't work cause I'm going to hell and he would miss me in heaven. He decided on his own it wouldn't be a problem a few hours later. As an atheist I don't blast other people or religions and will go to church occasionly if he asks. He as a Christian almost never reads from the bible and goes about 5 times to church a year. I'm not saying these things don't make us who we are but our beliefs aren't a big part of our lives by any means. The only thing we fought about was if we should tell our future kids about Santa and the toothfairy. He didn't want to tell them about something that wasn't real. You can imagine what I wanted to say to that.
After the two scares of him leaving I was starting to get worried about him leaving me. He promised a million times he would never leave me. We started seeing a counselor to learn how to handle his parents which were now writing me letters in great detail saying I'm not good enough for their son and why. During the counseling we did a lot of couples activities/therapy and were told we are a very compadible couple, that we listen and have patience with each other.
Forward to this past jan. four months before our wedding and a week before we were to close on a house. He comes home balling crying like I've never seen. He said we can't be together because his dad pointed out in the bible a double yoked relationship won't work. He said he can't marry me unless I become a christian. It was so sudden and heartbreaking I died. He left and all I wanted to do was jump off a bridge. I couldn't live without him.
I moved out, and started going to church. I was raised catholic. And thought I can get back into this maybe I just lost my way. There were still things I disagreed with but I thought it was normal. I didn't want to just say I found god. I wanted to for sure. A month later I did. Few weeks after that he took me back and we got legally married on our day but moved the wedding 3 weeks later to may. his parents nevered talked to me even after I became a Christian. They still tried to break us up, threatened to ubject at our wedding, etc.
Now we've been very happily married for 3 months and just closed on a house. But I don't think I'm a Christian anymore. The more I read the bible the more I'm pused away, church annoys me and I don't believe in it anymore. I feel obligated to be honest with my husband, but it looks like I lied just to get him back. I dont want to hurt his feelings but I'm getting sick that I'm not sure. I was happy not caring about the bigger picture, I was not me while being a Christian.
Re: How to tell my husband a big deal breaker secret?
I'm trying to understand why you married someone who told you you were going to hell because you don't agree with his beliefs.
But at this point, all you can do is be honest with him. You tried to get back into religion for him. You convinced yourself you believed. But you have come to realize that it's just not for you and that you can't force yourself to believe in something you don't to make him happy. Go back to counseling and try to sort it out if you want to save the marriage. (I'm not sure what type of counselor you saw before but I'd be sure to go to a non-clergy person.) He needs to decide if he can live with your beliefs. And if he can, he needs to tell his parents to back off and let you be. If he can't, you both need to move on.
As a christian, I agree with your husband. You may never understand it if you are not a believer. I would tell your husband the truth. He may not believe you but you have to tell him. Being a christian is believing in heaven and hell, and that is a huge deal. You may not agree with it or believe it. But in his mind in eternity you will not be together. That would be the saddest and most depressing thing to deal with if you are married. I couldn't imagine being married to a non-believer and having to worry about the person you love going to hell. Even if you don't believe in heaven/hell/Jesus at least look at it from his point of view. The person you love burning in fire for all eternity? That's horrible and I feel bad for your husband
I honestly hope you do find Jesus.
If you are somewhat open, you could maybe try other denominations, you may actually agree with what is said about religion moreso than you do now with just going off of one denomination. I know my husband figured this out by looking around..he was raised catholic also.
But nonetheless, you need to tell him. Sounds like its a huge deal to him, and it isnt fair to him if you arent honest.. especially when you basically lied to get him back. That is my moral standpoint on it though..
Why do you want a guy whose system of beliefs are much much different than yours?
This is such a joke: he's such a dyed in the wool believer that he sure didn't mine fornicating.
Do yourself a favor:
Dump this guy.
He's already condemned you -- really, he won't see you in heaven? He's got an inside line to God or God is on speed dial and he knows this for a fact.
He sounds worse than any Pharasee.
It is never a good idea to convert to a religion simply because the other person wants it. It makes a mckery out of the entire situation; you're an athiest. How does this big transformation all of a sudden get you to be a believer?
You are NOT a compatible couple! You do not have patience for each other! He has no tolerance for the fact that you are not on the same religous page as he is! How is that compatible and having patience with each other?
I can't figure out why you want this jerk. He's spelled it out for you loud and clear -- and he's woefully immature. He's letting his parents run the show. This is what you want for your future? He goes by what his daddy says? What a prize.
You and he are incompatible, period. You're incompatible on all fronts: religious, no common bond, his parents run the show, he's not mature enough to stick up with you ("cleave to your husband" is the word...eh, he should also be cleaving to you and that's not happening.
I know of more than a few couples who are married and they have vastly different religious beliefs: THEY COEXIST!!! it is the same as having a mixed faith relationship!
One doesn't condemn the other for believing or NOT believing. Two of the couples feature an athiest husband and a very Catholic wife; they were married in a civil ceremony and they are still together.
There are relationships where the couples are of 2 vastly different religions; they celebrate both sets of holidays in their household.
This entire situation is a mess. Again, I can't figure out what's so wonderful about this jerk.
Put yourself first. Why should you go on living a lie?
Kaseykins: KEEP your rhetoric! This is the last thing the OP needs.
Suppose she finds the God and Goddess, Allah, Buddah, Moses, Krishna or Shiva? I guess she's condemned to hell for good?
I agree that you should absolutely tell your husband your beliefs.
I think the best way to do it would be during a counseling session, that way you have a mediator. This is a hard conversation with a lot of emotion involved but given the right tools it can be a very positive thing. I want to reiterate that having this conversation with a counselor present is a very good idea.
I also agree that you should ABSOLUTELY find a counselor outside of the church, someone who is going to be totally neutral...as in not trying to get either one of you to change your beliefs rather he/she should be helping yall understand each others feelings and then give you the tools needed to move forward. People of different faiths get married and have successful marriages ALL THE TIME!! You two are not the only couple to have gone through this and you wont be the last.
Just remember that quitting your marriage is not an option, and remind him of that too. Let him know that you love him and that your scared. You need to be honest with him but more importantly you must be honest to yourself! This isnt something that will be resolved in one conversation either, it will take time, so be patient and work on it.
I hope this helps and I hope the best for you both.
Amanda
WOW! Sorry but you are dead wrong. How can you possibly assume so much from a few paragraphs??
What is there to love?
He can't even stand up and have her back. And that is essential in any marriage, regardless of what your religious beliefs are or are not.
This guy's religious belief system has more holes in it than a piece of swiss cheese. Yet he is passing judgement on somebody he's supposed to love and cherish??
He's exactly the kind of person that gives religion a bad name
And I cannot possibly see raising a kiddo without "essentials" like the Tooth Fairy and Santa! There's no way you can do it -- he or she will still hear other kids talk about it or see references to either or both somewhere along the line.
it's the stuff childhood is made of. Along with the Easter Bunny, kiddie characters like Shrek and Dora and the Cookie Monster, cartoons, comic books and play pretend. I suppose those staples are going to be a no, too?
How am I wrong???
The OP spelled it out: she's in a horrible situation with horrible people.
Would you like to be married to a guy like this? and put up with his sorry rhetoric and be with a man who lets his parents run everything?
I don't like it any more than the OP does.
To anybody tuning in:
This is going to be one hell of a thread. The true believers are going to show up and turn this into a "your side suck" debate. Who's got the popcorn and who predicts when this thread will implode?
I say it's imploding right about now, starting with "I hope you find Jesus." Please.
Just in case you were curious, I am an athiest. However, I believe in working hard to have a successful marriage. Not just giving up when it gets messy.
It takes two to make a relationship work.
And this guy is only interested in condemning, not working on a marriage with his wife.
This is bad news all around.
The day I met DH, he told me he wasn't a smoker after I had commented that I hated smoking---think it's a nasty habit. I found out later that he was. Found out all of this before we got married, decided I could deal with parameters in place...he smokes outside, he dumps out his ashtray, etc. We worked it out so it was far from a deal breaker.
My point:
In my opinion, religion is not just habit, but a core fundamental set of values and belief systems that most people are raised with in their families....regardless of what God they worship.
I am NOT chooisng sides in the who should believe in who or what but here is my opinion on this matter:
You started a relationship with someone with very different religious beliefs. Sounds like for a while, you changed yours...was it just to "seal the deal?" Because now you're married and you want to revert back to your former belief system. No offense, but it doesn't sound like you were very true to him or yourself.
You refer to your ILs as assholes...maybe part of the reason they don't like you is because they can sense you don't like them?
None of these issues are going to change for you. You need to decide if you want to continue in a marriage with a man whose beliefs are so different from yours. If you bring kids into this will really implode as the war over what they should be raised to believe begins.
It's not even about whether she should find Jesus or not. I am a Christian, go to church every sunday, went to a Christian college, married a pastors son, etc. But this isnt about her finding Jesus or whatever. She is in a relationship with a man whose family is poisonous to them, who even when she was who they wanted her to be didnt like her. The man condemned her which is not how you bring someone to believe in the God. Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love one another. Telling someone they are going to hell because they dont believe what you do is not loving them. Also she asked him from the very beginning if her being an atheist was going to be a problem and he said no. Ultimately he is just as much a liar as her because he told her from the beginning that it wasnt an issue then when she fell in love and what not he changed his mind.
OP maybe he thought he could change you, maybe it really wasnt a problem til he talked to his holier than thou parents. Who knows. But now you are married and if he really believes in the Bible then cheating is the only "biblical" reason for divorce. The Bible even says that if you are "unequally yoked" with a nonbeliever, that you should love them in hopes that by loving them you can bring them to know God. But it doesnt say "Condemn them and tell them they are going to hell".
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
I was nodding in agreement to all this. Well put. Do all of the above in this quote.
I am married to a man that is Agnostic. I am not sure what his mother is. His dad is an Atheist. My family are all practicing Catholics, Lutherans and Baptists. His parents were scared to death that I would convert him and he would become Catholic because of me. They did not like me for 7 years of our relationship for various reasons. They would have loved nothing more then for us to call it off during that time. They finally grew to love me once they stopped resisting getting to really know me. My family was wary that I would loose my way (never did). My religious family welcomed him with open arms and quickly grew to love him.
The big difference here between You two and us is that Religion was never an issue for the two of us. My H was strong and ignored his parents. He did not let them sway him. If he had we would not be together. How could I be with someone who was so easily influenced by their parents when they had a mind of their own? Your husband needs to realize that his parents can't influence him like that. Every time your H is at peace with the difference and you start building a healthy relationship his parents mess with his mind.
We respect and understand our different beliefs. We know how we will raise our children. We talk openly about religion and God. He goes to church on occasion. He also has preferences on what kinds of church services (No Alleluia Praise the Lord, constantly singing and saying Amen after every sentence but this is due to H's personality). I will stay home and bum around on a Sunday with him too. Religion is a non-issue for us because we never made it an issue. We just worked hard to make it work for us. We have been happily together for 10 years and married for almost a year now.
For the record Heaven has probably been around a lot longer then organized religion. Did good people not go to heaven before religion? Just a thought and I know I don't have the answer to that.
This too.
As an atheist I would be fine marrying someone who was religious. But it does bother me when people judge me or try to force their beliefs on me. I would not be ok being married to someone religious who I felt judged me or forced me to try to be someone different. I think you made a huge mistake to marry someone where you had this fundamental incompatibility that you knew was a dealbreaker for him. It's not fair to yourself or to him to have to lie, or live with the anxiety of wondering whether he will walk out the door.
Also, because it needs to be said, you did nothing wrong. You didn't consciously lie to him, you tried to change b.c. you wanted him to accept you. It bothers me that he made you feel backed into a corner and judged enough that you had to force yourself to change something so fundamental about yourself. That is hardly living the tenets of the faith. If he is truly a man of his faith then he should be capable of forgiveness and understanding in this situation.
Personally, I'm not going to suspend my ability to work through things rationally to accept religion just because other people think I should. I am uncomfortable with the way religion encourages people to pass judgment on others, to justify themselves as right and feel that they need no explanation other than religion. Part of what turns me off so much are things like people opening a post like this and instead of giving helpful advice judging you and ending with "I hope you find Jesus."
I hope that whether you choose religion or not, you learn to love yourself enough and embrace a sense of self worth that allows you to see you do not have to be religious to be a good person or deserving of love. You deserve for your spouse to love and support you regardless of your faith or lack of faith. This situation is as unfair to you as it is to him. I think you need to be up front with him and also go to individual counseling. If this is really a deal breaker for him you shouldn't have to force yourself to be someone you're uncomfortable with being just to feel worthy of him.
I have to ask: what exactly do you see in this guy? Because I'm not seeing much to want to keep about a guy who keeps threatening to leave you, lets his parents treat you like crap, and tries to force his religion on you.
Of course quitting your marriage is an option. In fact, it's a GREAT option for you. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to be yourself in a marriage, with someone who loved and respected you for who you are, someone who doesn't have one foot out the door and doesn't have parents who try to split you up?
Even after reading your whole explanation, it still looks to me like you lied to get him to marry you. It seems you were also lying to yourself, but that really doesn't excuse it. This is the sort of stuff I think annulments should be granted for. You never would have gotten married if you were being honest. I don't see why anyone would want or feel any obligation to "save" this sham.
Of course, he also should have realize that a few months is not enough time for this kind of soul searching...
When you were in the dating stages you should have seen where this was at. If his religion was so important to him, he should have ensured that he dated only women who were on a religious common ground.
I don't know about you, whether your dating "must haves" included "athiests a plus but not a must" but once you found out that there was pretty much a hard wall between you and he in regard to religion, you should have called off the relationship and went your separate way.
This essentially is about coexisting. Sounds like this guy's as bendable on that issue as graphite.:(
Agree! whole heartedly
So, pre-marital sex is a sin, but as long as you atone for it on Sunday, no big deal. Did I get that right?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
It's absolutely possible to coexist happily with a partner of another faith, but it doesn't sound like that will work for you and your husband.
You absolutely have to tell him, and the two of you have to come to an agreement about what should be done WITHOUT the input of his parents- they aren't in your marriage and should have absolutely no say. Shame on your husband for allowing them to interfere and be rude to you- that's no way for a husband to behave, and it is against the teachings of the bible. (The cleaving, the motes in one's eye, casting stones, etc.)
As I see it, this issue is not about religion per se, but whether or not it's possible to be truly happy with someone if you are never allowed to be yourself. I think the answer is NO.
And I AM religious- but I don't follow blindly, I don't buy the flawed bible except as useful stories (some of them, anyway), and I don't believe in judging others. Except for stupidity, arrogance, and inability to spell.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.
That's exactly what I was trying to say earlier.
I'm waiting for a few verses of "you must be submissive to your husband and you must cleave unto him. He is the head of the household."
The OP and her H have no sense of compromise. That's what the real issue is here.
I can't see converting to a religion just to please the spouse to be and/or the spouse to be's family. It makes a mockery out of the entire endeavor; a tiger that wears different stripes is still a tiger.
You weren't religious at all in the first place; assuming another religion isn't going to automatically make you somebody who believes in God.
And as you can see, converting to his religion did not eradicate the problem. It did the opposite, in fact: made the non-compromise problem even worse -- and the OP should be livid, what with that "I am going to heaven and you are not" bullshit.
There is nothing here for the OP. She needs to put herself first.
ETA: What happened to loving the other person unconditionally? I don't see that happening here at all.
He should accept her for herself the way she is, whether she's an athiest, the same religion as he is, or whether she is some other religion. He also knows nothing about tolerance and coexisting.
It may be impossible in this case -- this is almost like a cultural issue.
::shrugs::
Ehhh, I think they are both overly dramatic and manipulative ? I mean that guy wants to break up with her and she says she wants to throw herself off of a bridge ? This is just a very unhealthy marriage: from him letting his parents treat her this way, telling her she is going to hell and the OP blowing smoke up his butt in order to get that marriage certificate and of course the threats of suicide when he wants to end things. Tarpon is right. These people do not belong together and I don't see anything in their future except for lies, drama, heartbreak, and misery. It is so much better for them to end things now.
0.o
This is a serious thread.
I wanted to back away slowly from this thread, but couldn't help the urge to reply.
Your husband clearly said "he can't marry me unless I become a christian.". You are not a christian, yet you want to make this marriage work. He is obviously still being puppetiered by his folks, and unless you know how to cut them strings I wouldn't bother to move on with the marriage. I do know of couples with completely opposite religion beliefs, the difference is THEY worked TOGETHER to make the marriage work. So you want to make it work, get him on the same page with you and not you, him, and his parents.
Seriously, that family needs to come off the cross-other people need the wood.
This falls under the category of "Forsaking All Others."
And that is what the OP's H has done. His wife does not come first. He's more or less still got the mentality of a single, immature guy.
I guess he does not even get that part of it right.
Hmmm thats a hard one. I hate to say divorce but I also think that with a man and a family that are so dead set in their own and your religious beliefs that there is little chance this will change. I understand that you wanted to try and make it work before and that's why you pushed yourself into church. But if HE cannot accept you as you are than you should seek an annulment. Are those still possible?
Just be blunt and be like "look I just cannot believe, I have tried. Is this a deal breaker"? Maybe he will just be ok enough to go to church alone and both respect each others opinions. But unfortunately from what you wrote this doesn't sound like it may happen... Otherwise you will just be lying to yourself and him and become miserable if he is always harassing you about it. My husband and I both have different religous beliefs. I am Christian ( haha not practicing no church) and he is a hard core atheist. It's hard sometimes but we have come to agreements to respect each others religion... or non religion.