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Re: How to tell my husband a big deal breaker secret?
These people are toxic and so is her H. And hwe H won't stand with her or have her back. A house divided can't stand.
Not to mention that it would be one heck of a connundrum if a child was in the picture.:(
This falls under the category of "a person is what he or she is right now." Take it or leave it and what you are seeing is them, with all their bumps and warts. If he couldn't hack it that she was not of the same religious views as he was, he should have been smart and bowed out.
I am an atheist. I do not serve anyone. I commit to marriage and my husband comes before anything else. You don't leave a relationship cause it gets rocky, you fight to keep it alive. But maybe that lack of fighting is why you drop relationships at the drop of a hat. I also don't or ever need a families permission to marry someone, who asked me to marry them. It makes no sense. They are with us or out of our lives their choice. Ps your post was the rudest here. I asked how to break bad news not how to leave my husband!
Update. I told him today. He said he married me for me. He wasn't upset in the least bit. I asked him why did he make it a big deal at the time. It was the double yolked thing his parents told him that got him upset. He said he never should have listened to them and he hasn't since. We are doing great. It didn't turn into a fight we were both relieved it is out in the open and things are how they were.
To clear the air. I love my husband more than anything because of everything about him. Yes we don't always see eye to eye but it's never a war. We discussed long ago how to raise our children. And yes he has major trouble defending me from his parents. Of which I was a total kiss ass to, so no they didn't know I didn't like them until our sit down conversation in November. His parents won't be apart of my life they are not allowed over and I don't go over there. I don't keep him from them in anyway. And thanks for all of your helpful comments everyone. I was worried sick of the only thing I have ever kept from my husband.
I know right!? I'm not here to be forced to convert again!
I am curious what some people understand under being an Atheist? Is it just that you don't like the institution of the Catholic church? Curious.
Other than that I agree with what someone said below that you do need to be compatible with someone you're planning to marry and spend the rest of your life with - and religion (or the lack of it) is something so fundamental.
What will you do when you have children and they want to baptize the child? If his parents are so hardcore catholic, you can prepare for an ugly battle.
I'm confused that this was such a huge issue before that he almost left you several times, but now he's fine with it and everything's peachy keen. Were you exaggerating or being dramatic before? Has he changed his outlook on religion? What info are we missing here?
I'm glad that things worked out so well, but I'm torn between thinking the sh*t just has yet to hit the fan, and wondering why you made such a fuss about it if it's not that important to him. Either way, good luck.
This. I would GTFO.
Read a book called Redeeming Love.
The book talks about honoring vows and not giving up on the other person. I think that Christians can get confused about setting themselves apart from others when God calls them to be in this world and not of it. It frustrates me that your husband can't love without judgement and tries to make you be something that you aren't. I think it will hurt to be honest, but it must hurt more to only receive love on the condition of your beliefs.
To be honest I am a Christian but I don't think this really has anything to do with the problem you have. Christianity is not the answer or the issue .the I issue is the lack of respect he has for you. This will not change in his current mode of thinking. Christianity is being used as a crutch to weld what he wants from the relationship. He either loves you for you and accepts everything about you or he does not. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that will not change unless one of you gives in. You tryed your best now its time to leave it in his hands even though you may get hurt it would be better now then a long dragged out miserable walking on eggshells relationship where you are worried about him leaving when he doesn't like something. Right now it is religion next time who knows. Them you bring kids into the picture you will want to let your children decide for themselves I am sure but he geuss what most Christians don't give their children enough room to choose god or not. Like he said to you "you will go to hell and he will be in heaven " , he will use that same tactic with your children. Are you ok with that? I am a Christian because I choose to be one and it is important that my spouse believes the same way not for any reason but I like to be one as a couple. Don't get me wrong there are issues we agree on but they are minor and can be overcome. I have dated in the past and had long term relationships with men who were not christian but we were in unison about freedom of choice and they had good morale ethics which included not being judgmental of others. If you now husband is going to judge you on this in which he is wrong in doing so ( Matthew 7:1 judge not lest ye be judged!) what else will he be willing to judge and walk out on you later about? Things to ponder . Good luck with this and surround yourself with like minded people to give you strength to stand up for yourself . You deserve a happy life. Life is hard enough without having to worry about someone who is not willing to be open minded.
Reading comprehension fail. She is an atheist, but thanks for playing.
Yes ma'am!!!! Im so glad you both know that. You dont leave a marriage because it gets tough, you just hunker down and actually DEAL with the issue. There were so many assumptions made by a bunch of women who have never met the two of you and instead of giving you the advice you were seeking they told you to cut ties and end the marriage. WTF is that?
Good for you for dealing with the issue and moving forward. As long as the two of you continue talking to one another and having those difficult conversations you will be fine. The foundation of a happy healthy marriage is always mutual respect, communcation, and compromise!! I so glad everything worked out!
Why do feel the need to be so disrespectful?? Did you not read anything she said?? Why do yall do this?? Cant you just respect the fact that some people dont believe in god?? WE dont need it. Just accept that fact. We dont need your god!
People get the advice that the advisors think is warranted, not the advice being asked for. If I weren't seeing things from all perspectives yet I'm asking for puppies and rainbows to be blown up my azz, I would expect that anyone actually interested in helping me give me their true opinions. (And I'm not saying that this necessarily applies to OP.) True advice may sometimes be difficult to hear, but how is it useful to reiterate merely what the poster wants to hear over and over?
Also, there is no policing the internet. People can post whatever responses they want, such as the ultra-religious diatribes above.
OMG It's a miracle after 3 years and all those issues 1 conversation has changed everything!! He is now perfectly fine with her being of a different yoke. Everything is perfect and they have no issues.
Praise Jesus!
I cannot imagine being with someone who respects me and my beliefs so little.
This would be a massive, insurmountable dealbreaker for me.
The weird Christian stuff in this thread I'm not even touching. I did however get a good hearty laugh out of the premarital sex stuff, though, where apparently it's okay to f*ck like bunnies during the week as long as you atone on Sunday. That was truly excellent.
Updated September 2012.
LOL!!! Yes!
I just wanted to comment on this. I don't think she meant that by going to church on sunday- all of your sins are forgiven & premartial sex is fine. Everyone sins every day. In my beliefs- I believe that as long as you have Jesus in your heart, try your hardest to live the best Christian life as you possibly can and ask for forgiveness and strength to do better - then you are forgiven for all of those things (no one is perfect). God sent Jesus to die for us- so that when we do sin- we are forgiven. Doesn't mean just sitting in church is going to do that for you & just wanted to throw that out there. And of course that's just what I believe but I just felt the need to comment.
I dont know why your H came at you being judgemental- I'm sure that was hurtful for you. After saying you told him here recently- I would imagine at one point he will have a problem with it again- BUT if you are open and honest with each other and with counseling to help you guys communicate (if you need it)- I'm sure you will work it out. GL!
He sounds like he is the type of Christian that is unable to tolerate or get over the fact that not everyone is a christian. And- if he is such a big believer, wouldn't he have already heard that very well known "double yoked" saying? Hell, I grew up evangelical (now agnostic) and my parents hammered that into my brain from the moment I had my first "boyfriend" at the age of five. Something just doesn't seem right here. I hope that he does not try to convert you for the rest of your life.
Good luck in your marriage, although I am sure this issue WILL come up again.
I'm glad you are starting to work things out. I do believe that people with different religious beliefs can have a successful marriage, all it takes is respect and understanding that you have different beliefs without trying to convert one another.
In your OP, it seemed like your H wasn't particularly religious (doesn't read the bible, only attends church a few times a year, etc), but that his parents seemed to be forcing the issue on him. If he didn't originally have an issue with your atheism when you first started dating, it doesn't surprise me that he's gotten back to that point when he's thinking for himself, instead of letting his parents do it for him.
However, I wouldn't be confident that he's completely over that. He needs to learn to separate himself from his parents' influence, it sounds like he's working on it, but I don't think one discussion will completely eradicate this issue. But the first step to solving a problem, is recognizing what that problem is. Now that you both have a better idea of how much his parents' influence affects your marriage, you can start working towards dealing with them in a more healthy and grown-up manner.
Good luck! I hope you find a way to work through everything!
This
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What the h3ll happened to this place?
Poor thing. As an atheist myself, I can't imagine being in your situation.
You honestly tried to change yourself for this man; in doing so, I think you showed him that you loved him. Unfortunately, though, you forewent loving yourself in order to please another--and that is a recipe for disaster.
I think you should get out of this relationship. Not to "honor" or "respect" your husband, but to respect yourself. One of the greatest truths I've found in my realization that there is likely no supreme deity is that the human spirit itself is incredibly, incredibly powerful. You may need to rely on this knowledge to get you through this very difficult time, but it IS possible.
I am currently in a serious relationship with an Indian-American who has taught me a log about family and marriage. You see, for some, getting married doesn't just mean becoming a single unit with another person; it also means the joining of two families and lineages. This idea is sometimes considered to be cultural, but I think it applies to many traditional marriages, and certainly to yours (perhaps unfortunately).
You did what you could. Please don't beat yourself up. You will find someone either sees life the same way you do, or who can reconcile their beliefs with yours. Stay strong!
EDIT: I didn't get to the end of the board before posting this, but it's great to hear that your husband was just having a bit of a breakdown and that the two of you are going to work things out. Good luck!
I have never posted on the nest before but I saw this and I too agree with this post. You have to look at it from his point of view even if you don't agree with it he does. Good luck