Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
More marriage breakup venting
I'd like to kvetch about my soon-to-be exhusband (from now on I shall refer to him as STB Ex). Who is sick of hearing about my personal life? Not quite yet? Phew. Just let me know when you are! I am able to have a sense of humor about it at least, so that's something.
Separating from him was the hardest decision I've ever made. Even though he's the one who f-ed up, *I* had to be the one to say "done". We stayed in contact and it was essentially like we were dating, so last week I told him I needed time before we could be friends and that it was too sad. However, he continued to text me over the Thanksgiving holiday, which was also sad. So, I booted him off my cellphone plan this weekend. He now only has a landline, so I figured, okay, great, no more texting. So, he started IM-ing me -- which we NEVER did before. So I had to tell him again, hey man, this sucks for me, so back off, mmmkay? He's still signed on IM (although I just blocked him) but since then, so far so good. I just hope I don't have to AGAIN turn him down, because it's really freaking difficult.
It's like I've had to make the same hard decision four GD times.
And, to clarify, the contact he's initiating is sweet and nice, but he's still not dealt with his problems and went to a therapist once. He says he'll fix his problems IF we get back together instead of fixing them SO we could get back together, and that's not cool. So, falling way short of being productive contact and only prolonging my suffering over this.
The good thing is that I'm starting to get more perspective on this. I know he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. "I still get to have fun with my buddy and have her care about me but don't have to pay the consequences for my actions? Score!" Right now I'm really questioning my judgment even marrying him but am trying not to feel like a first-class sucker. He did fool us all (my family and friends) and I do know that he did care, in his way. Just too damaged not to cheat, I guess.
Anyway, if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. It helps to vent!
Re: More marriage breakup venting
Vent all you need to--I can't imagine how hard this is.
I've seen lost of really great, smart people "fooled" by people they love. You're not a sucker. You don't lack judgement. He's the one that decided to take advantage of your trust and love. This is about HIS choices, not yours.
((((((((hugs))))))))). And a virtual kick in the balls to him.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
(((((Brookles))))))
Hang in there!?
This part really struck me. Ugh, how crappy. He's basically trying to put the onus on YOU for working on his problems when it's HIS responsibility. HE is responsible for HIS actions, including his decision to work - or not - on his issues. Trying to put the responsibility for dealing with his issues on you is totally crappy.
I'm so sorry, Brookles! This sucks.
Vent anytime. We're here to support you. Ditto Kate - these are HIS bad choices. You have done nothing wrong. Betrayal of trust reflects poorly on someone. Loving never does.
((((((((((Brookles)))))))))))
(((Brookles)))
and some zombie hugs for good measure -
Man. He is not making this easy for you. He *is* making this easy for *him*, which is the selfish approach that got you here in the first place :-P
I'm so proud of you for continuing to stand up for what you need. Have you been as direct with him as you were above? "xH: Every time you contact me, you put the onus on me to make the same decision over again. It's painful and it's hard... and it's disrespectful of you to continually put me in this position. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I cannot be with you. I need you to respect that and respect my wish for no contact. I will be in touch if and when I can be. In the meantime, I encourage you to get some help and address your issues. That -- and only that -- is non-negotiable, if you want to be in my life in any fashion in the future. You made choices that broke the trust. Now I need to protect myself as a result. Please respect me on this."
Ok, so I did a little editorialzing, but essentially, I think you need to repeat what you've said -- and point out how impossible he is making this for you. I don't expect him to get it -- he's being selfish, which is what he was being before. But it won't hurt to be adament about cutting off the contact. I'm sorry he's being such a pain. Do you have any concerns that this will escalate? If so, let's talk offline, as I have some training in that area. I hope you don't need that though.
I know it must be impossible not to question your judgment, but as you said -- this is so deep an ingrained issue with him, you couldn't have known. The deception, sadly, came naturally to him. Try not to beat yourself up about it!
Lots o'hugs.
Brookles, you are a rock star.
{{{hugs}}}
my read shelf:
Ugh, that sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
On one hand, his continuing to contact you does make it emotionally harder on you. But, to try to pull a silver lining out, it does reinforce your decision in that it's further demonstration of him disrespecting you. And while that sucks to feel, it does show that you are making the right decision now.
And you know, all decisions take at least a little leap of faith. You can't be faulted for not anticipating this. You trusted him because you two were good together. He's the one who failed, not you.
Definitely vent all you need to, Brookles! We're here to listen!
It sounds like you are really gaining some good perspective and making some good strides. I'm sorry that he keeps contacting you, but I hope that he's finally gotten the message. Just keep doing what you're doing... you're going to be great!
Ditto. Vent away, and also ditto the virtual kick in the balls.
Brookles, I am so, so sorry. You should NOT feel like a sucker. He fooled you and everyone you know. And something is wrong with him, but I truly believe (from my online standpoint and your stories) that he loves you and always did. Something is just very, very wrong with him, and if he can't realize that and fix it, then you have no reason to ever think of trusting him again.
I say this in the least creepy way possible, but I actually have taken to updating my DH on your life because I think about it a lot. I just wanted you to know that this internet stranger thinks about you often, and really wants things to be the best for you.
Sorry about how creepy I am.
Watch the movie "This Christmas". It has some awesome payback ideas that involves baby oil and a belt. Besides it will help you meet your black movie quota!
Seriously, hang in there and vent as much as you need to.
((((((((Brookles))))))))
I don't have any additional words of advice, the ladies above have pretty much captured it. But keep referring to him as STBX; if nothing else, I always read "shitbox" with those letters, and that's a good way to think of him.
I'm sorry.
Does it help to say no, that all of this contact is yet another example of him only thinking of himself? Of ignoring your needs? Of hurting you to satisfy his own needs?
He Cannot Control Himself. If he can't even not contact you for a month, how could he possibly resist any other temptation? Every time he contacts you, remind yourself that he would not do it if he was really thinking about you and what you need.
I'm sorry he's continuing to be a douche. With any luck, he'll keep it up long enough to really, really piss you off, making it easier to move on. Not easy, but easier.
Thanks so so much, my dear online buddies. I know I've said this before but I really do appreciate your virtual support.
Did you know that you can send people text messages via IM? I didn't, but now I do.
So, even though I blocked him, he could still send me a message. Ugh. Re-starting my ticker for days-without-contact.I was more firm this time, so hopefully this is it.
I hope not, too! I don't think so--despite how persistent he's being, I doubt he'd take it any further than emails/texts. But I will take you up on your offer to discuss if it gets out of hand.
How many do I need? I've already seen Something Different like three times this year.
Awww... I don't think it's creepy at all... it's very sweet and I am honored to be thought about more than just online!
Very true.
This is all very right-on. And good to hear.
He says he'll fix his problems IF we get back together instead of fixing them SO we could get back together, and that's not cool.
Well that alone should serve as confirmation that he's not serious about changing.
I've been cheated on so I know the feeling of feeling like a fool (although to a much lesser extent, since he was just a boyfriend). Someone gave me some really great words of wisdom that kind of gave me a new perspective - what did you do wrong? You loved and trusted. That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. That's what good, loving people do. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one who acted shamefully and took advantage of a good, loving person's trust. Never be ashamed of loving and trusting in good faith.
Hang in there and we are always here - not sick of your personal posts at all!!
hi sorry im catching up to this late.
Just wanted to give you my hugs too and say I'm sorry that he's showing his true colors over and over. If anything, I guess it also reinforces your decision to block him out of your life.
Dunno your whole situation - but I wanted to warn you that after this stage comes the greedy stage, when he realizes he isn't gonna get you back and wants whatever you may have that can be disputed. Bank accounts, pets, furniture, stuff, etc. Even if right now he says he wants nothing. You might have to change your locks (pre-emptively) or even move things to your parents house - including pets - if he comes over when you aren't there. Just wanted to say to protect your stuff and be careful. Even the best of people can turn ugly in these situations.
Late to the party here but sending hugs!!!
That whole he'll get help IF you get back together is a huge red flag. He should be getting help now no matter what happens in the future.
I'm sorry Brookles, but he's pissing me off. He didn't respect you or your feelings when he cheated on you...and he still can't seem to respect you or your feelings when you asked him to leave you alone.
Uggh...