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Is my cat ruining our marriage? (long)
**I also posted this on the Pets board, but was hoping to get some more feedback**
Background:
In December 2007 DH and I started dating. At the same time, I was given a rescued cat, Evie, as a gift. She is very skiddish and took almost 6 months just to get used to me alone... Fast forward to 2010- DH and I get married and move in together. I (of course) brought Evie. DH said he was a bit annoyed because he has a small cat allergy. Not their fur or dander- but their spit. But he let me bring her anyway... He has never lived with cats growing up (they had dogs), so he was not used to litter on the floor. I cleaned the litter box out every day or every other day. And I swept the litter every day, so there would be less of it, but if you have a cat, you know they kick litter everywhere! To add to that, since Evie is so skiddish, she would hiss and claw at him when he tried to pet her. I felt awful, and kept assuring him that she would come around. Now, two years later, she is still skiddish. She will let him pet her sometimes, but she usually runs away from him or hisses!
Anyway.. We moved out of our apartment into a nicer condo. For whatever reason, Evie started scratching the doorframes. Not good. DH told me if I didn't get her de-clawed, she would have to go. I am 100% against de-clawing, and she was an adult cat by that time, so it was out of the question anyway. So I bought her some scratching posts and sprayed the doorframes and couches with no-scratch spray about twice a month. She stopped scratching, but the damage was done. DH is pretty annoyed. And THEN a few months ago I switched Evie to a new type of litter. She had a fit and peed on our bed.. DH basically told me to get rid of her. But after seeing how upset I was, he said we could keep her if we locked her out of the bedrooms. I was fine with it. So ever since then, she has only been allowed in the kitchen, living room, and second bathroom, where we kep her litter box.
DH and I are about to buy a house. He said she has to be an outside cat ONLY. She can't come inside at all. He said he has given me and her too many chances... He is worried that she will scratch up the walls at this house or rip up the carpet (she tugged at it a little in our first apartment for about a week when we first moved in).
I feel awful because (1) She is a rescue and is so scared of everything, I'm worried she will get hit by a car or something, (2) we live in FL and it gets so awfully hot in the summer, I feel like she will bake up out there!, (3) we will be moving around December/January- so, the coldest time of the year, (4) DH wants me to bring her to the new house in a carrier and just put her outside, with no time to get acclimated- we live in a 2nd story condo right now, so she can't get used to grass or trees or bugs or anything.
Am I being selfish in wanting to keep her inside? I even offered that we let her outside during the day/while we are at work, and then let her inside just at night.
Do you agree with DH that we have had too many chances already? He said "I don't see how you get enjoyment from it since it gives us so much greif. It is such a neusance- yet you constantly put it in between us like it is more important to you than I am. Why do you insist on keeping it?"
I agree with DH- I am annoyed at having this conversation over and over again! I feel like we are both basically saying "It's me or the cat." This is the only hiccup in our life and it really sucks...
Re: Is my cat ruining our marriage? (long)
Sorry but you had the cat first and if he can't understand that pets are a commitment I think he is the one with a problem. Sounds like the only time she has acted out has been during times of change which is normal. It also sounds like you both need to start researching how to limit stress during moves and life changes with a cat. I assume the peeing stopped when you replaced the litter, things happen when you own a pet. I think he needs to calm down.
If you can have DH feed the cat, make him a source of good things and maybe the cat will come to enjoy him more. Sounds like your DH has zero relationship with the cat and seems her as an annoyance.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
My dog is a complete douchbag jerkface.Oh, not to me. Just to everyone else, husband and children included. He's also been through a lot, we brought him from China to the UK, quarantine, the great flea infestation of 2012... he pees in DH's shoes whenever he gets the opportunity, makes sweet sweet love to any purse, bag or suitcase left on HIS floor, is an old, grumpy, growly jerk to the kids (unless they are eating something. Then he loves them for the food they drop) and is basically a little retired grouchy general of the house. But I love him and he's my dog.
DH understands that and they have learned to tolerate each other. Sometimes I even catch them cuddling (my dog is also a traitorous bastard). We've fought about the dog a few times, but DH concedes on it because he knows how much my dog means to me, and any problem can be dealt with as it comes.
I think you should talk to him with the approach of that this is important to you and not only do you not want to fight with him about it constantly, you want his support on it as well.
I think for us though it helps that DH's cat is a sadistic son of a bi^&%.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
First of all...as someone who has had 5 cats in my lifetime...we have never had any that 'kick litter everywhere' maybe you need to get a bigger litter box.
Now if you don't own a house yet...don't stress about it. For all you know you might find a house with a basement with a seperate entrance maybe that could be the 'cat area' in the house, all of our cats had thier food/water/litter by a backdoor or basement door, and have all been indoor/outdoor pets, usually let them out after they have breakfast and with the exception of one..all of them liked to stay outside most of the day. PS. It gets a lot colder here and the cats STILL like going outside in the winter and the snow...so I don't think thats a reason to keep them inside.
If your H has allergies...thats where TBH I think you are being insensitive...its one thing to be annoyed by the cat, its another to constantly feel like you have a cold or sneezing or scratchy in your own house where you can't get away from it. Your H has a right to have his bedroom at least off limits to the cat...I am kinda shocked that he was ok with letting it in the bedroom until now anyways to be able to pee on the bed.
I'm not saying get rid of the cat, but I am saying your H has some valid reasons for wanting the cat not in his main living areas...so I think if you can work out a system that the cat has its own space and/or can go outside more, they will get along much better.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
Wow this seem familiar to the show issues. My main question is, how often do you and your other play with this cat? If you don't play with her then she's going to use that energy elsewhere, that's a fact. Does she have areas of her own? No not a room to herself but perhaps wall shelves that allow her to observe action from above, wall shelves like this...http://www.moderncat.net/2012/08/28/office-catification-moderncat-style/
We own our kitty and she used to attack our friends, we realized we were not playing enough with her wearing her out. Now she's in love with our friends and friends kids.
My favorite show is this...
Jackson is a kitty cat god http://animal.discovery.com/tv/my-cat-from-hell/
And no you don't have to declaw her, but it sounds like you need a scratching post. Many cases don't call for this but she also could have a chemical imbalance. Lastly, was she taken away from her mother too young? Cat's learn a lot from their mothers and if they don't learn them, you have to teach them.
This is why I specifically try to AVOID petting cats at all times. I can be 'around' them as long as I don't touch them for the most part.
I think her DH simply doesn't like/undrestand cats.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not sure when she was taken away from her mother. Before she was given to me, she was a stray. I suspect she was very young though, because she rarely purrs or kneads- and cats learn that from their mother, right? I got Evie when she was around 3 years old.
I tried the caps for a while and she kept ripping them off- she even ripped one of her nails out and bled all over the place. That's when I started using the spray.
Wow.
My FI doesn't like my cat & I had the FI first. But never in a million years would he do anything like that. I know him and the cat don't get along. If he comes into the bedroom the cat hisses at him, then hides under the bed till he leaves. They say words to each other and move on. But he knows how much I love my cat and would never even dream of asking me to get rid of him or throw him outside.
And no the cat is not ruining your marriage.
As others have said, your H is ruining your marriage not your cat.
We adopted my grandmother's cat when she passed. She hissed, growled, spit, scratched and bit for the first six months we had her. Once she bit me so hard that I had to go in and get a tetanus shot. Within the first two weeks, my H tried to tell me that we had to "get rid of the cat". You know what? I told him absolutely not. We adopted the poor animal who is scared and has had a hard life already abandoned twice before. She also scratches all the damn furniture so we have had to put up ugly strips as the darn spray doesn't work on her.
Basically, my husband tried to have a little power play with me over an innocent animal and I told him where he could go shove it (in a nice way of course). At the time, a woman told me that if I let my H win this one battle that he would continue to do the same sort of thing throughout our relationship and I fully believe she was right.
It has been two years that we have had the cat. She is now sweet, purrs, sleeps on the bed next to me and H even pets her. For the record, he is slightly allergic to cats and we have three, one of whom he picked out to adopt last week. She still scratches the furniture in our brand new house but we love her and furniture and other things in the house can always be refinished or touched up.
And for the record, I would not allow my cats outdoors. We have been feeding a few strays/ferals in our new place hoping to catch/spay and release them and one of the sweet kitties who I have seen every day just got run over and killed last night. Not to mention that most of this cat's recent litter got eaten by other animals when we couldn't find them in the brush. I am trying to trap the last one left now.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I agree with all of this. He has some valid reasons for complaining but he's taking it too far. You can't take an abused rescue cat who's been indoor for years and lock it outside and never let it back in. But honestly if my DH was allergic to my pet, I would have rehomed it before moving in with him.
When we were getting ready to move in together, I mentioned the cat. I asked if it would be ok if she came with me (since I knew he wasn't used to cats and she was a very strange one) and he said of course I could keep her, she was my baby. About a year later (after an incident of her hissing at him) he said he regretted letting me keep her, because he is allergic to cats. Since he never mentioned it before, I never even thought to ask.. He would visit my mom with me and she had 4 cats at the time and he never showed any signs of allergies. I really do think he is feigning allergies for another reason to get rid of her. As PP have said- people with allergies wouldn't try to pet her/pick her up/play with her, would they?
And the cat hissed at him? Tell him to put his big boy pants on and IGNORE it. ANd ignore the cat. He doesn't hvae to pet the cat, he doesn't have to really deal w/ the cat if he doesn't feel the cat likes him.
If you plan on having kids- whats he going to do when the baby cries for you? (which will happen) or when his child says "I don't like you daddy"? (which will happen)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
it also leaves the cat vulnerable to being injured, getting into a fight, eating something bad/poisonous or being hit by a car or stolen by somebody who wants a nice cat.
They have those claw things for cats; they fit over the nail and attach with an adhesive. Look into getting those for your cat.
1) he's not allergic to cats, or at least not allergic enough for it to even be a consideration.
2) so friggin what if the cat hissed at him. As the supposedly more advanced life form, he should just ignore it.
3) Animals sometimes display destructive behavior. You have made, and continue to make every reasonable effort to circumvent this. So far it doesn't sound like anything that has happened is life altering devastation.
4) Putting an adult cat outside is cruel, dangerous, and probably against the law. I assume your area has a leash law, and that applies to cats. If she gets picked up by animal control, it'll either cost you money to get her out, or cost her her life when your charming DH says he doesn't want to pay to get her out.
5) You need to stand up to him. He is not the end all and be all of decision makers about the new house. The cat is a part of your family unit, and will come with you and live in the house accordingly.
Good luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
This!! Do NOT put that cat outside!!
You'd rather put the cat outside than get it declawed? Just declaw the front paws, get a bigger litter box & put down a litter mat to catch the litter on the floor. I love my cat but no way would I have the cat destroying my home. Also, if you have a baby in the future you will be glad the front claws are removed.
I am exteremly anti-declawing. Besides, Evie is full-grown and de-clawing adult cats it especially traumatic. If I had to choose one, yes, I would put her outside.
You'd put a cat that has fear issues outside over declawing it? It would be better for your cat that you love soo much to be declawed. If you put her outside in FL she will be killed by something. But declawing is truly awful. LOL uh huh
Yes- declawing is awful. It's not just clipping the nail or even ripping it off- it's cutting the "finger" down to the knuckle. I find it completely disgusting and cruel. What if I declawed her and then she got outside and had to defend herself against another animal? I know that she is a very timid cat, but I still think putting her outside would be a better choice than declawing her. IMO, that is just a cruel thing to do. Like I already said, she is an adult cats and adult cats that are declawed are often traumatized by it. I would rather have to put her outside and play with her/pet her out there than traumatize her so she can live inside. Even if I DID declaw her, DH would still complain about her hissing and being skiddish. The only thing declawing her would do is make her more scared.
Marriage is a compromise, you keep the cat make a few changes & he STFU. Trust me having a cat out doors will lead to its death. Find a cat sanctuary or re home the poor thing.
http://www.caringfields.org/CATS.html
I'm not sure you'd still consider de-clawing to be the worst option the first time your cat comes home half-dead from being attacked by another animal, or gets hit by a car and you have to put up thousands in vet bills to save it's life. Cats can and do get his by cars often, and I'm pretty sure that would be far more traumatizing than surgery.
I agree with whoever said above to get a bigger litter box(or a bigger litter mat) and get her de-clawed. No, de-clawing is not ideal, but it's a lot safer for the cat in the long run. Your DH can't really complain about the cat being skittish, because if he's allergic, he has no business trying to pet/play with her anyways. Plus I suspect if the scratching stops, he'll complain a LOT less.
PS- Please start cleaning your litter box daily, every other day is just gross unless you are physically not there to do it. Cats noses are FAR more sensitive than ours, and if there is any smell at all it can put them off of using it. I have 2 cats and both boxes get scooped twice daily(and yes, I do work full time).
Honestly, my DH and I had this discussion because he is allergic to cats and I had a cat that I loved. My cat stayed with my parents until she sadly passed away last summer (after 8-10 years with our family).
I've wanted a new cat for awhile, and DH told me we could if it was an outdoor cat. If I ever get a new cat, it will be outdoors from the beginning. We would put a little cat sleeping area in our shed (along with a catdoor) and have a heating lamp over it to make sure it stays warm. I added this part just so if you do keep the cat you have an idea of how to keep it warm (you mentioned it being very cold outside).
If I was in your shoes, I'd probably rehome the cat. I know you love the cat, but between putting it outside (usually a recipe for disaster for a cat that has been indoors it's whole life), declawing, and rehoming I think rehoming the cat is the least stressful. Put up an ad with a picture of your dear cat, and find a new family that can love it the way you always have (you can send the cat's favorite toys and such with it to help the transition). Then move with your husband knowing that your cat is in a good place, and the stress of your moving won't be bothering it.
My 2 cats came before my FI (I've had them since they were 3 months old), and there was no way in hell I'd give them up. He grew up with dogs and really didn't understand cats, but he was willing to learn. My one cat was more standoffish at first and to this day, doesn't get along with him all the time (she's a mommy's girl!). But last winter, when she ate a giant rubberband, he went with me to the emergency vet and footed the bill. He would never suggest that I get rid of her or put her outside. Especially now since he adores them both, no matter how bipolar the one might be.
If he's really "allergic" like he claims to be, he can man up and get the allergy shots. It honestly does sound like he is lying though.
Try getting a nice big covered litterbox with a mat, as well as a cat tree. He should try feeding her and playing with her (maybe a laser pointer or a feather stick thing). If they both associate each other with good/fun things, then they'll end up feeling more comfortable - because it sounds like both your cat and your husband need a little training.