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The Name Game
So after much discussion I hyphenated my last name with my husband's name. I did this solely so that I would have part of my future children's names in my last name. If not for that I wouldn't have changed my name. I love my husband, and he loves me. Why should of I had to take his last name? I always like my last name and after working in the nursing field for 6 years my last name was what I was known by. (The grouchy part of my would like to also point out the hassle of the name change and how my husband didn't have to deal with any of it) I never wanted to be come Mrs Husband's Name. I mean I am more than a wife, a lot more I work two jobs, I am in school getting my masters, I want to be a mom that is a lot of things that are not covered by the title Mrs. For the sake of argument my husband and I are both professionals. Why is my name any less valuable (even if I was a stay at home mom that is still a pretty intense job). I love my husband but I did not agree to become less than worth a mention. He was fine with me not taking his last name, and still is. He understands how I feel about this completely.
With Christmas around the corner I saw the possibility of people not realizing that I had not just taken my husbands last name coming up in our mail. I acknowledge the hyphenated last name is more a new thing. So I jumped the gun and had all of our Christmas cards out by December 1st so people could see we are Mr. Husband Name & Mrs Wife Name-Name NOT Mr & Mrs Husbands Name. Well I was prepared for some people to miss that but we come form huge families and you'd think one person would have at least put my first name on a card, nope. Everything comes to my husband & Mrs.
I have two issues with that; number 1. I am a complete individual person and would like to be recognized as more than Mrs. (and women should not need to be professionals to be recognized, if I were a mother and house wife I would still want to be recognized for all the hard work I do) and number 2. You go ahead and address that family mail to my husband all you want, but if you think he is going to open or appreciate your holiday wishes I am amused, he barely gets around to opening bills and those have due dates.
Yes I realize there is no more polite way to get people to put my name on the outside of a stupid envelope and in the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Probably not. But it bothers me and as I sit her with the 19 holiday wishes addressed to Mr & Mrs Husbands Name I am just a little steamed that all I get is Mrs.
Re: The Name Game
1. It happens. If you want people to get it correct - then tell them verbally. Otherwise it may be a generational thing (older card senders being more used to things with Mrs. & Mr.) or they may just be clueless, as in not paying attention. Or, if cards were preaddressed by the printer and not by hand, it may have been a default mode on their address label settings.
2. I agree that you should be called by what you want to be called by.
3. I have a "Mrs." and I own it proudly. I did make my maiden name a second middle name, though. So when I sign my signature it's with two middle initials. I too am a complete individual. Just because you take a man's last name as your own doesn't make you less of one.
Honestly, I think you are wound too tight on this. While I agree it's personal and each new bride needs make her own decision, you seem to be implying that taking a man's last name means you being a lesser person, getting less respect, or with less identity. These are just not the case. A name is an identifier - it is not an identity.
You want to be "more than Mrs." - as you stated, which imples that "Mrs." ladies are less in some way? So, it seems, then, this is about a power grab and asserting your "rights" as the woman and making sure you stand your ground so DH and others see that you got married, but that you can be everything to all other people too, future mom, professional, wife, etc.
This is obviously a sensitive issue for you, but you are taking this way too seriously. It's going to happen from time to time. Heck, the other day DH and I got called mr and mrs my maiden name because I used my old email account for something. But seriously, just say calmly "actually it's hyphenname." If you launch into a whole I'm my own person rant everytime someone messes up, you're not going to be winning many friends.
I also resent your implication that I am a lesser person for taking my H's name. Just as this was a personal choice for you, so was it for me. Neither is right or wrong. I took my maiden name as my middle name, and used my full name for awhile in my professional setting. Gradually I phased out the middle. Very minimal problems. But again, personal choice.
but seriously, you are getting so worked up about Christmas cards. I feel like maybe you think they are somehow judging you and doing this out of spite. That is highly highly unlikely.
I respect your choice and the reasons that led to that decision. Yet I think you're overreacting. While it's a personal choice to keep your maiden name, it's not the norm. If people are sending things to you and Mr. and Mrs. Husband's Last Name they are 1-assuming you made the typical choice in taking his last name, and 2-they are certainly not trying to offend you, or refusing to acknowlege you as an individual. If I didn't know any better, and close friends/family got married, I would totally send them a card addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Husband's Last Name, without a second thought. I can assure you there is no ill-will, no intention to treat you as less of an individual, etc. So relax!
When you see family, if it comes up, explain that you've chosen to keep your maiden name. I don't think you need to go into all the reasons why. But if you communicate this, fingers crossed, everyone will get the hint for the future. If not, don't sweat it. I really don't think it's a huge deal.
With all due respect, I just don't get women like you. It's a tradition for the women to take her husband's last name. The husband is the head of the household and you two become one once your married.
If you don't want to take your husband's last name, then don't. Why are you making the issue so deep that you are getting "steamed" looking at 19 holiday wishes to Mr & Mrs? Why do you feel so belittled that you have to have your name on an envelope? I don't know. I guess I don't see the big deal.
I personally couldn't wait to take my husband's last name and I too am a nurse and it was a huge adjustment to get used to signing my new name at work but still not a big deal. My co-workers didn't have a problem with the change either.
I guess I feel whether or not I change my last name, doesn't make me any less of a woman. Do you think you're perceived as a superior woman or more of a professional nurse because you didn't take your husband's name?
TTC since September 2012
Did you ever do the name game with the name Chuck"? Hehe (Yes, I'm a 10 year old). When I was a kid my family was playing the name game and my Dad suggested Chuck... Very enthusiastically he said "LET"S DO CHUCK!" And I proceeded to do it. It was the first time I said the F word.
Not related at all, but OP - you need a good laugh! You're too tightly wound over this!
If you didn't want the confusion over your last name, why the heck did you change it at all? FYI you being a "professional" has nothing to do with this. Plenty of women get married, divorced, remarried and are CEOs. They don't seem to have a problem with coworkers and business contacts.
TBH, I wouldn't write or type out your entire last name. By the time I'm on card #2 I just want to get done. If you are so much more than MRS, you will be so much more than mom, you shouldn't have changed your last name at all. Btw, your last name will still be different than your kids and most women drop one of the names when they hyphenate after a few years.
You have a right to your opinion, but MY opinion is that you should take your "the man is the head of the household" rhetoric back to the 1950s.
I happily took my husband's name, but not because he is in any way 'better than me' or 'in charge'. We are equal partners.
OP, it's a personal choice that has nothing to do with your individual identity. I suspect that you aren't very secure with yourself, or it wouldn't be an issue at all.
Honestly, I really think you are way too wrapped up in this and taking it way too seriously. But I never understood your identity being tied to your name either. I'd still be me if people called me Mrs. H's LN, Miss Maiden Name, Bob or Bozo the Clown.
When I write out Christmas cards, I address them to The XXX family. XXX is whatever the most common last name is for the household. I'm not going to sit there and list out 6 people by individual names. Why not just be glad people are thinking of you enough to send a card, even if it's not addressed the way you like it? When I get a birthday card from my Nana and it says Mrs. H's Full Name, I roll my eyes and move on.
If you don't want to change your LN for whatever reason, you certainly don't have to. But when you do something that is against the norm, you should expect that people may not assume correctly and be prepared to just correct them politely. That said, I think whining about how your holiday cards come addressed is just silly. If it's someone calling you that in person on a daily basis, go ahead and correct them with your preference. But getting worked up enough about a once a year card influx to write a post on a message board makes me think you have some sort of other underlying issue you're not telling us about.
I don't care if a woman changes her name or not. I respect either. And I personally try to be aware of women who don't so that I know how to address them properly - including Christmas cards. I'll write "The Smith / Jones Family".
But OP, I do agree w/ the others- your rant is starting to veer into being offensive to those of us who did change our names.
Also, hyphenated names are a being unto themselves. They are misunderstood/ misused/ mis-written. I have a friend who was hyphenated and couldn't WAIT to get married specificially to get rid of her hyphenated name!
If you want your name to BE your identity, then so be it. I don't want that. As the first PP said - it's an identifier, but it sure as heck isn't my identity. Being a good wife, a good mom, a productive member of society - this is what I want to "identify" me. Whether my name is Smith or Jones or Smith-Jones doesn't change that about me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Meh. People always assume that women will take the man's last name. Usually, they're correct.
My SISTER still hasn't realized that I didn't take husband's name. I just got her x-mas card in the mail the other day to Mr & Mrs Husband's name. I wonder if she'll ever notice.
Thank You! I was hoping someone would respond to this offensive, antiquated BS. I kept my last name, but didn't hyphenate. That way, I can use one for work and the other personally. Since it's a tradition, I'm not going to get all worked up when others assume I'm one name when I'm not. There is so much to get worked up about in this life, that I am just not going to let this be one of them. That being said, if someone wants to question my decision, bring it. I'm proud of my name, and see no reason to have to change it just because I'm married.
I agree with PP, you are taking this very personally.
When you do something non-traditional you will have to expect some push back. I am in a similar if not more complicated position.
I kept my name when I got married. It was important for me to keep this part of my identity because I am basically the end of the line for my family name in the United States. I get called Mrs. Husband Last Name all the time by family and friends because it is "normal". I used to get upset about it but after 7 years it doesn't really bother me. I do find it funny when my husband gets called Mr. My Last Name, but he just rolls with it too.
It got complicated when my daughter was born. Before we were married we discussed the possibility of future children and what we would do about the last name. I would have been comfortable passing on my last name as a middle name. However, my husband had a family middle name he wished to pass on to our children. Because of this we agreed that we would pass on his family middle name and my last name.
When we sent out the birth announcement we knew there would be some comments, but at the end of the day we made the decision that worked best for us. Those that have negative things to say don't need to be part of our lives if they can not accept us for who we are and what we decided.
You mentioned the fact that your husband did not have to do all of the work with changing his name. My husband actually explored the possibility of taking my last name and the process is much more intensive, which doesn't seem fair but when you live in a traditional world and do something non-traditional you will have to learn to live with the consequences.
" I mean I am more than a wife, a lot more I work two jobs, I am in school getting my masters, I want to be a mom that is a lot of things that are not covered by the title Mrs. For the sake of argument my husband and I are both professionals"
we all are more than a wife sweetie. by you making this argument you insult every one of us who did take our Dh's last name. perhaps you've said things like this to those who sent you the christmas cards with you as mrs name and pissed them off. that's why they send the cards that way. i would.
you need to find better things to worry about-honestly.
Most PPs have already made the major points I would have made if I had posted earlier, so I just wanted to add two things:
1) I give a HUGE side eye and WTF to you, NurseRobinson, for your comment that the H is the head of the household. That's fine if that is what works in your marriage but that is a very antiquated belief, IMO.
2) In my world, women keeping their last name IS the norm. Most of my friends and relatives that have gotten married have kept their last name. Just wanted to make that point, since so many of the other replies mentioned how the norm/tradition/etc. is for women to change their names. Depends on where you live and who you hang out with, apparently.
I believe that "The man is the head of the household" and you become one is why the tradition came that the wife takes the husband's last name. Why do I have to take that comment back to the 50's? Isn't that where it came from?
(Personally, DH is the head of the household and I as the wife should be submissive to him. Those are our religious beliefs and they were included in our vows. I'm not saying that you or anyone else is wrong if you have different beliefs than I.)
ETA- To all that had a problem with the head of the household statement, please tell me where the tradition came from with the wife taking the husband's last name? I didn't say that YOUR husband should be the head of the household in your homes, I said that I thought that's where the tradition came from. If the husband wasn't the "head", then why isn't it tradition that the husband takes the wife's last name?
TTC since September 2012
RE: Nurse Robinson and the two PPs who were side-eyeing her for her "H is the head of the household" remarks.
Your comments to her are intolerant of her views on marriage. Also, in many relationships, still, people determine that in a two-person democracy only one can make a final decision on a major debate or point of impasse. It makes sense for lots of people to have a plan of decision making IF a joint decision cannot be reached, but that a decision is absolutely needed. Should an important decision be ignored because two adults in a marriage cannot agree? In many marriages it is agreed upon that in this event, one person takes the lead.
In addition, this is a religious aspect of many marriages too, which I would not expect everyone else to accept or adhere to (or even understand), but many marriages work beautifully with the husband being a head of a household figure, spiritually or otherwise. Again, this is a personal thing and totally NOT deserving of a "WTF" remark. So, so intolerant. Wow.
But, shame on the PPs for insulting NurseRobinson's marital perspective.
When you start a post with "I just don't get women like you", you're pretty much asking for annoyed responses.
Mostly agree with others... a couple of points.
I am a professional, have a masters degree, was working before and after wedding, and all those things you describe...but your opinion seems to look down on those of us that took our husbands name, it is simply a preference
It is also a tradition, so for many people (I imagine most of your relatives) it's an assumption
I don't think many people bother looking at how you addressed the envelope, I'm not sure I would
If you want people to address you differently (and I believe you are entitled to your own preference) then you need to address each person individually as they make the error. A quick note such as "thanks so much for the Christmas card, would you mind updating your address book to say Mr. X and Mrs Y-X"
Who gives a flying f*ck who does what and why? Take his name, don't take it, make up a new last name. Whatever. If OP thinks less of me for taking my husband's last name I'm not losing any sleep over it.
The point is, OP has her panties in a bunch over nonsense and needs to chill out.
Bless your heart.
If Nursie has the right to state her opinion (an opinion we feel is antiquated and wrong), we have the right to state ours. Freedom of speech is a two-way street.
Might want to loosen that corset a bit- I don't think you're getting enough air.
Would you believe I actually did a research paper on women changing their names for a gender studies class as an undergrad? The studies showed that those who hyphenated or combined were happiest with their choices. I loved learning about cultures where the husband and wife would choose their own tribe/name to join, it didn't have to be either of their family's.
For my first marriage, I hyphenated. I was like the OP and it offended me when people wrote "Mr. and Mrs. So and So."Looking back, it was incredibly immature. The little old ladies who were doing it probably had no idea and poor eyesight to boot so they probably didn't even notice the return address from the cards I had sent to them.
After my divorce I went back to my maiden name and let me tell you, going through all that paperwork for a SECOND time was no fun.
Then I met and decided to marry DH . . . despite the prospect of doing all that paperwork and hanging out at the secretary of state a THIRD time, I decided to just take his name. I liked the idea of a fresh start and a new life, all that. I don't feel like any less of an independent woman. I make more than DH if you don't count his overtime (I'm salary). We are equal partners.
My advice to the original poster . . . don't take it personally. Gently remind people if it comes up in conversation. Over time they will learn.
All I have to add to this- technically according to name/title etiquette if you are using part of your last name as in hyphenated or just keeping your lsat name you shouldn't be referred to as "Mrs." but "Ms."
I get that it is important to you, but I highly doubt anyone is trying to be offensive. I would just correct them if it matters that much to you, but politely.
I changed my name
Free speech, yes. Rights to differ, yes. Voice your opinion as being different and why you take that stand. But PPs cross a line into personal offense when they attack a poster with "side-eying, "WTF's," and other intolerant remarks or behaviors.
It's called "ad hominem" in debate terminology when you attack the person presenting the argument/position rather then the the argument itself. The word "position' could be interchanged with the word, "opinion."
You can debate her opinion, as is your right here and under free speech, but PPs shouldn't attack her person, which is what they did.
Maybe "I just don't get women like you" was not a good choice of words, but I didn't see it that way when I wrote it. I was just meaning the same thing most pps meant, that I didn't "get" why she was so upset over the name change. I stated in my 1st post that people should do what they want to do and I was in no way judging ones who don't change their name. However, I was totally being judged because MY husband is the head of the household. I don't get it because I didn't say or imply that others were wrong if they didn't agree, but yet, my beliefs are made fun of.
TTC since September 2012
Thanks! Really.
TTC since September 2012
Freedom of speech is a 2-way street, but the point I think you are missing is that I never said that the husband SHOULD be the head of the household for everybody's marriage. I only stated that I thought the tradition of taking the husband's last name came from that statement.
Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but really, what's the point of mocking someone's marital beliefs if they weren't knocking yours? Freedom of speech? Ok, I guess.
TTC since September 2012