Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Man vs. Cat
I have come to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. My fiance has a cat whom we both adore and want to keep. Unfortunately, my father is allergic to cats. There has been some back and forth over the topic since my father cannot be around the cat yet we will be residing in a home that is partially owned by them. With the cat in the home, my parents would not be able to come for holidays, parties, dinner, etc. While we are trying to clearly define the boundaries of our marriage with my folks, I am now in the position of trying to straddle the line between both my fiance and my father. Help! Any suggestions as to how to handle this delicate situation?
Re: Man vs. Cat
Is his allergy that severe that he can't be around cats at all? Or would preparing by taking something like claritin (which helps me) do enough for a short period of time? I also REALLY keep my hands to myself when I go to houses where there are cats. As long as I don't touch a cat or something the cat has been on and then touch my face, I'm usually o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am confused. They are half owners of the home you will be bringing the cat to? If so I'm sorry but kitty has to go. Are you paying rent? Have a rental agreement? Does it say anything about pets?
I would like to know more details about the fact that your parents partially own the home you will be living in. Do they rent it out for income and at some point you and your FI will become the tenants? What exactly is the dynamic with that? My answer could change depending on this...
I have three cats. I have had cats for 20 years now. My father is severely allergic to them. He also has bad asthma so an allergy attack can also trigger an asthma attack.
So, just like you wrote, my parents do not hang out in my house. When they visit, we go out to lunch or dinner. Ideally, it is a nice day, so we can hang out on the deck for a while. My father can only be in my house for about 1/2 an hour before it starts. It hasn't been a big deal in my life. Sure, I can't ever host a holiday because it would not be fair to my dad (or brother who also has bad cat allergies), but I'm not really into hosting anyway.
My reaction to your parents is to tell them to back the hell off. If I were your FI and my future in-laws were saying this, I would seriously rethink the whole thing. I don't like the way they are handling this. Ultimatums aren't cool, especially when they are talking about a living thing that your FI loves and has promised to take care of.
However, again, if this house of theirs is not purely a rental property but the agreement is more enmeshed than that, they may have a point and I could totally change my tune on this, if we get more information.
This is definitely good advice and can help some people. For my father and also my best friend, their cat allergies are so severe that something like this would not even begin to make a difference. If there is a chance that your father could deal with the cat with some measures like these it is so worth a shot though to investigate.
I too am curious about the house issue too- they are partial owners? And are they holding that over you?
Take the house ownership out of the equation for a moment - If they would still be saying "it's us or the cat", w/o question my vote would be for the cat. Sorry, but you can't dictate your life in your own home around theirr issues/allergies. And again, this is coming from someone who has cat allergies and I know that it sucks.
If that means they can't hang at your house, oh well. Then they don't hang at your house. You'll have to go to them or you'll have to go out.
I just find their attitude REALLY selfish. "It's us or the cat". Really?
Put the house back in - if they are holding that over you, let me ask this. If you were just "a" renter- do they have a "no cats" rule? If not, why does that change for you?
And really - in the end, if they are using their ownership as a ploy, then again - I put them in the selfish category.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So, don't live in a house owned by your parents. The solution to this seems so easy it's stupid, really.
If my FI told me that I had to give up my cat - my family, my first "baby", my responsibility - because his daddy was allergic to cats, I'd give him his ring back and wish him a swell life.
Yes, I get it - allergies are serious. But again, the solution here seems simple enough. Yes, it will be sad to not be able to have your parents over for visits. It will be harder for the two of you to live in a house not given to you by your parents. But you all can visit anywhere else. You can live somewhere else. And it would be a cold day in hell before I gave up my cat due to someone's allergies that didn't even live in the house.
Is the house a duplex or something, like they live in one half and you live in the other?
I wouldn't give up the cat no matter what. Once an animal is beyond baby stage they are so hard to adopt out. We rescued our cat almost two years ago now. She had been put in a shelter at five years old, and did not find a permanent home until we adopted her when she was ten. She lived almost constantly in a shelter, or in pet smart windows for five years. The lady was so grateful we were adopting her. I don't think they ever thought she would get adopted. Honestly, my cat was lucky because she was taken in by a cat shelter. I know some places where she would have been killed a long time ago.
Okay. I'm no longer confused. This is a life lesson for you, sometimes when we get "help" with money, we open ourselves up to those we got the "help" from feeling like they are still controlling our lives. To be honest, it is very natural for your parents to want to come over and visit and share Holidays with you. It's also another layer for them to have an attitude when they helped you BUY the house. In the future, do not take money from them and you may want to seriously think about trying to pay them back.
As for this situation with the cat, cat stays and you will have to explain it to them. Your cat shouldn't face death because of circumstances that humans cause.
I think that as your parents who gave you the down payment for your house they will of course want to spend time with you making that house they helped pay for into a home for you - but you've got something optional within the house that prevents them from sharing that with you - and they are seeing it as you choosing a cat over them, they who helped you to get the house you are in. So of course they are upset, and I don't think that they are being unreasonable.
I'd invest in a great quality air purifyer and a bathroom cabinet stocked with benadryl. Let your parents know that you're really excited about your first home and are doing what you can to make things as comfortable as possible for your dad while he is there. You don't ask them, you tell them. Hey, we've gotten a new air purifyer and have the place stocked with antihistamines so Mr.Snugglepuss hopefully won't bother Dad too much when he's over - can't wait for you to come see what we've done with the kitchen!
If they come out and straight up say after that that the cat has to go then I would kindly point out that you're not looking to bring your cat into THEIR home, just as you would expect them to not dictate what you can and cannot have in YOUR home, but that you are doing whatever is reasonably possible to make sure that your dad will be comfortable if and when he comes over.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
My parents gave me a VERY generous down payment on the house I live in. That was when I owned four cats and they knew they would not be spending time in the house due to the allergy issue.
My point is that your parents are holding this over you, and trying to control your lives to some degree. It does not have to be that way.
This story makes your parents look terrible. And, again, they don't seem to have much regard for your FI, his prior commitments, and another living being. No way would I give in to their demands. They are totally overreaching here.
They do not seem like nice people, I am sorry. If you are even considering this, I think your FI should walk away. If I were your FI, I'd be giving you a very different ultimatum right about now.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
And that's your prerogative, and you're welcome to it.
But I don't treat animals like throw-aways. And I care about human beings, but I don't let people who don't live in my house dictate what or who I allow to live in it, no more than I allow them to choose the paint color and wall hangings.
I won't bring my cat to your house if you are allergic to cats, but you're heartless and insane if you expect me to get rid of my cat in my own house because you are allergic and want to visit me in my house.
I find this attitude horrible! Once you adopt an animal, you are responsible for that life, forever. It is responsibility not to be taken lightly. People like you should not be allowed to have pets. I hope to God that you do not already have pets. If you don't, keep it that way.
My parents also helped me with the down payment on my home. It was something their parents did for them when they bought their first place and they wanted to be able to do it for their kids (and have). They don't feel like it gives them any sort of ownership over my house and my choices though. I'm sorry that it sounds like yours do and if that is the case, I'd work really hard to pay that back as soon as possible so they have no further leverage to hold over you.
Personally, I think you should keep the cat and do what you can to keep your house in a way that would allow your Dad to visit. However, you can't cater to your parents forever. Your home is not their home. They wouldn't have a cat due to his allergies but you aren't living with them anymore. You and your DH are a new family unit and have to start acting like one. Start living your life together and making choices for YOUR household together.
Theres no right or wrong in this situation, You are an adult that can make your own decisions. You love your parents and your pet and your parents have to have a healthy compromise. I agree with the ladies about the purifier but OMG thats her dad you guys are talking about you could be a little more sensitive....Anyhoo, In a really nice way tell your parents you love them and appreciate the things there doing for you and your family but you kitty is a part of your family too and you will do what you can to make them comfortable when they come around.....Its that simple, and you can always help host holiday parties at your mom and dads!
I'm kind of thinking now that if your father had a debilitating fear of dogs, would this prevent you from owning a dog? No, it would prevent him from going to your house (fine) and you from taking your dog to him or where he would be (ie: his home, family event outside of his home ie: bbq at aunt's or something). You would take reasonable steps to keep the dog away from your dad, but it wouldn't prevent you from owning a dog.
How does he react to cat-hair on your clothing?
I'm starting to think that his allergy means that he doesn't go to your house, and that's okay.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You and your husband are azzholes.