Relationships
bnk2012
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just married & living with my parents--
We have been married for three months now and had to move in with my parents right after we got back from our honeymoon. My husband and family basically get along but are so different that living in the same house is almost unbearable. My husband complains constantly about my family (5 people permanantly living there, including my parents & excluding my sister/brother in law & my nephew & neices who are over everyday) and my family complains about my husband. The complaints basically cover everything you can imagine from different sleep schedules/ ways of doing things/ noise & privacy. We are in the process of buying our first home and should hopefully be out of my parents' house in about 6weeks but I am losing it. I am angry at my husband and angry at my parents and feel like nobody is listening to me or cares that I am stuck in the middle. I want my family to like my husband and vice versa but I am afraid living in the same house is making that impossible. On top of that-- I am starting not to like my family or my husband. I'm worried that the damage that is being done now will take years to fix and I hate it. Anybody make it through a similar situation or have any advice on how to cope?
Re: Just married & living with my parents--
You didn't "have" to move in with your parents. It was a choice you made, and it was a very stupid choice.
What in God's name made you think this would work out well? Why can't the two of you get an apartment like normal adults?
Although I also agree with the PP's at least you have a plan and this isn't a long term situation.
Maybe its time to sit down as a family with everyone and iron out some rules to get you through the next 6 weeks. Shower schedules, chore division etc. To be honest though this is your parent's house and you and especially your husband should be abiding by whatever your parents house rules are.
The biggest thing going on here is a lack of communication from all parties. Both sides need to be honest about expectations and what is bothering them, they shouldn't be coming to you complaining about the other person/people. Everyone there is an adult and should be able to work these things out on their own.
It might be helpful if you could list some specific examples of issues they are having?
Good luck with this and the new home!
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
The reason we moved in with my parents was because we were planning on buying the home we were renting from a family member who ended up breaking our agreement and selling it to someone who paid closer to asking price the week before our wedding. With the wedding so close we didn't have a chance to look for an apartment and when we got back from our weeklong honeymoon, we were told we had to get move out within two weeks. It was really really crappy and we made the best choice possible at the time.
Within the first week of living there we started looking for places to live and ended up finding a house we loved and thought that living with my parents while we bought our house would be the smart thing to do. I knew we would have to suck it up and deal with different personalities and schedules but we are getting toward the end and I just wanted to vent to people who weren't connected to the situation.
I am kind of surprised at the response. I am sure that I am not the only person who has moved in with their parents while they get a house and I doubt it is easy for anyone so I guess I was just expecting more of a "it sucks now but you'll get through it" reaction.
No, you're not the only person who moves in with parents, but it's still not a smart move. If you're adult enough to get married, then you should be adult enough to live on your own. You and your husband created this problem, so now you have to deal with it. At least you only have 6 more weeks.
TTC since September 2012
If you get into the house you're buying in 6 weeks you'll have been living with your parents for 5 months by then, correct? I guess I don't see why you couldn't have gotten an apartment asap upon returning from your honeymoon. Most apartments do month to month rental agreements.
My sister & BIL and their kids moved in with my parents last May. Since then there's been some tension among the adults. It's bound to happen with 2 sets of adults who are use to each running their own households their own ways.
Suck it up for 6 more weeks I guess. Talk with your H so you're both on the same side. That side should not be rude, combative, complainer etc because it's not your house. Tell your H to stop complaining or he can effing sleep elsewhere! Seriously. If you're both annoyed, vent to each other in private. Sit down with your parents and iron out schedules, chores etc.
And I agree- most apartment complexes will do month to month. That was an option at the time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I know that moving in with my parents was a decision that we made and I hope it was a good one. I don't think that we aren't adults or we shouldn't have gotten married and we are very thankful to my parents for helping us out. Apartment complexes are not in our area and finding an apartment with our pets is not easy. Money is tght and we are saving as much as we can-which wouldn't be the case if we weren't living with my parents--again, we are thankful.
It is absolutely my parents' house and I would never be disrespectful to them or their rules--which is why I vented on this site and not to my parents. My husband does vent to me and my parents "venting" is more like not understanding my husband's routine or habits--which is basically them saying that they don't understand why he goes to bed at 8pm when he has to get up at 3:30am because he shouldn't need "that" much sleep or when he is working midnights why he can't sleep through the noise of people being up and about since when my dad worked midnight "he could sleep through anything". These are things that won't be issues when we move out but is frustrating me now.
I just felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to because when I talk to my husband about the little things my family does that bother me I feel guilty and if I talk to my family about my husband I feel guilty and I thought that I would be able to vent here w/out feeling like a jerk- but instead I feel like a whiny spoiled brat and I am sorry it came off like that but I just wanted to get it out- it was just a rough week.
Thanks for listening.
and make sure you kiss their butts daily and say THANK YOU.
Suck it up sweet cheeks, you owe them big.
PS. We lived with my parents while our home was being built. It was brutal and it took almost year after we moved for my relationship with my mom to get better.
This is why paying rent for an apartment until you CAN afford a home of your own is a really really really really good thing.
opinions, however, I am going to make an exception today. I am stunned at how you all talk to one another. This young woman is posting her thoughts and asking for advice from other women, who she is assuming has some knowlegde that you can help her with.
Instead she is being told to "grow up" and be an adult and also told, "you should have thought this through." So my questions to all of you is this, so you have never once in all of your lives made a bad call??
I know I have in my years. When I was younger I was in a very similar situation. My ex-husband and I had to move in with my parents while we were closing on our first home. Yes, it was awful, but we lived through it, since that was a decision that we had made. My advice is this, sit down with your parents and your Husband and see if you can "clear" the air a bit.
I think a little bit of communication is going to save this situation. You all love each other, or else you wouldn't have moved in with them! Living in tight quarters with that many bodies would drive anyone a little batty!
One of my favorite sayings is this too shall pass, and it will. The six weeks will be done before you know it! I wish you luck with your family, I think that you made the best decision that you could at the time. Don't beat yourself up too badly, we all make judgement calls that always aren't the best, just learn from it and it will all be ok in the end. Good Luck!
Your relative breaking off your agreement sucks royally and that was completely out of your control. Did you have a signed contract? There may be legal alternatives if you want to go that route. However, being a family member coupled with the fact that you're already in the process of buying something else, I would probably just leave it.
I understand that some things can be out of your control and you never intended to move in with your parents. My husband got laid off 6 weeks before our wedding! Luckily for us, he got another better job right after but was unable to actually start working at it until about 2 weeks before the wedding. Now, he won't get any vacation time for at least a year because he had to use his first year's vacation time for our wedding and already-paid-for honeymoon. We paid rent the first month we were back with wedding gift money and we're still very cash strapped and barely making it between pay checks. I understand how stuff can be crazy and life can happen that you don't expect.
To me, it sounds like you are being very adult about this! You are doing everything to try to move out. I understand about no apartments in the area. I also come from an area with no apartment complexes.
That being said, you've managed to handle this situation so far. You only have six weeks left, you can tough it out and make it! Basically, you just have to do whatever they want and as other posters have said, kiss their butts. It's their house and they are letting you stay which is huge. I would send them a very nice card thanking them for letting you stay after you move out. They would probably appreciate it.
We are giving helpful advice. We are not telling her what she wants to hear and coddling her.
I must say I'm a little shocked at the responses by some of you as well. My husband and I stayed with my parents for a little whille b/c our house sold and had settlement and settlement on our new house was pushed back due to the sellers not ready to get out. We lived with my parents for a month until we could move in. Does that make me any less of an adult?? I don't think so!!!! You know what, things happen that could be out of your control and that is what family is for...to help out in situations like this. It's not like she knew a year before they were getting married that they wouldn't have a place to live for gods sake...it happened like 2 weeks before their wedding!! You all remember what it's like a couple weeks before the wedding...and then all of a sudden you don't have a place to live and you are supposed to scramble to find something during the wedding chaos?? Cut the girl a break!!!
Anyway, OP...I know what you are going through. It's very hard to live back with the parents temporarily. Unfortunately, you will just have to tough it out...it is their home, so you should follow their rules. Hang in there...you can make it through.
THIS !!!
I agree 100% with this post
..my first time ever posting on any website & I too am appalled at some of the responses on these threads. But I suppose, to each their own. Just know that u are not alone! let me tell u a little about me
I was living on my own & then my bf & I found out we were expecting in OCT 12', we figured we would just move into our own place in Feb when the lease was up, however my roomates had become extrmely dirty, I'm talking like HOARDERS episodes dirty ;( cat & dogs evrywhere, so we booked it the day I found out the test was positive. Neither one of our parents, nor my partner wanted me in that unsanitary situation, these roomates of mine are very dear friends, so I just let it go, & politely moved out. I am fortunate enough to have parents like yours who graciously invited us to live with them. I only have one bro, no nieces or nephews, but my bro def has lots of friends over which wasnt super cool at first but we sucked it up & i tlked to my bro & he was understanding about the noise & he chilled out. Up until last month, we had the teeny tiny guest room bc my old room was being used for storage, LOL it was def not a fun situation! at times I felt so frustrated, but we made it through & it was kind of funny always joking about our little hole in the wall & no space, "living like peasants!" we all wrked together to clear out my rm & now we have a nice big room for us & baby. Our living situation is not ideal espesh w a baby on the way, but we all are very cooperative, we eat dinner together all the time, my parents give us maritial, and financial advise, etc. My bf feels extremely welcomed in my parents house. We plan on moving out after the baby is about 6 mnths old. (1 yr to go!) BIGGEST ISSUE, I personally have the rockiest most dysfunctional relationship w my mom that has been going on for all my life, at times its so frustrating. Most of the time we're good but it doesnt last long. Ive learned that she is who she is & it wont change. & also this is my situation right now & that itll all pass soon. My point is, that ur parents r who they r, & ur husband is who he is. Ur situation is not ideal but lets face it, at some point or another evryone has to live through times like this in life. Perhaps try more communication w/ ur parents & def explain how ur grateful u are. & also try to find the humor in all this with ur DH! u both married for "better or worse" & right now probably feels like its is def more on the worse side but it WILL get better! 
STAY IN LOVE. 
GOOD LUCK on closing your home, congrats on both the wedding & new house btw.
hang in there.
I'm also pretty shocked at the responses- but it's not the advice that's offensive, it's the attitude ("grow up" and "you should have known better" are not exactly productive solutions ... )
But I'm also in the same position as you.. We lived across the country from each other before we got married, and he relocated to me while knowing we'd be moving within a year. The job market isn't great here for his line of work, so he'll be traveling the first year we're married. I've been living with my parents to pay off student loans and to pay for our portion of the wedding (since his parents backed out of helping, we ended up shouldering $15k ourselves.. add two relocations in 13 months onto that, and everything begins to look a little different).
I was looking for some advice myself, and while there are some constructive points, I was hoping for more objective responses to staying with parents. Its not a great option. It sucks, and it takes away from our marriage just like it does yours.
We took pre cana classes at our church before getting married, and we talked to a couple that stayed with their parents for the first 5 years. They kept reiterating it wasn't easy, but they were so much better off - they had so much more in their savings, they built a house after, they paid off their student loans, and were debt free outside of the build cost. They just kept saying to do what's best for your marriage isn't easy, and it takes sacrifice and not always doing what you want- but it has to always be for the benefit of your marriage.
I have no plans to stay for five years, but it makes sense to stay for the first year, until we move again (especially since he'll only be there a week every month). Even saying that, we're signing a lease for the next 9 months. I'd rather be in your position and tough it out for 5 more weeks...
Given that it's just 5 more weeks, and you're already this far, I'd try to make the best of it. Be overly thankful to your parents, and they'll probably back off. Ask your H to help with things in their house, do small favors, and they'll back off of him too (they probably feel like you're not grateful enough for them allowing you to stay in their home .. and gratitude goes a long way). As for the two of you, find things to do a few nights a week so you're at home less.
I know this is now 5 months after, and I hope everything has settled down, but I thought you deserved to know there are more of us out there..and that for 6 months, I think you made the right decision to stay at home, despite the temporary tension. Growing pains..
You also have to understand that you and your H are guests in your parents home. He doesn't get to be upset that they aren't keeping the house silent so he can sleep during the day. It's not his house, they can do what they want. They are HELPING you two out. Respect that, tell your H to respect that and buy a very nice thank you gift for them. When you have people living in your house everything goes up in price, water bill, electric bill, food etc. So make sure you show them how thankful you are for the help they have given.
Geez, the entailment attitude is going around.