Relationships
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Would you be ok with this?
My FI and I have a great relationship. A girl from his past whom he claims he never dated but very close with. This was when they were about 10yrs old-20. She lived with my FI and his parents as she did not have great parents.
She is married now with kids, and haven't talked to my FI in about 7 years.
She texted him the other day, saying she misses him, and they should go to dinner. He said he was very excited, and they will do dinner. He also said he missed her too. He told me he last night he is excited to see her.
Do you think this is appropriate?
Re: Would you be ok with this?
At face value, I see nothing wrong with this. I believe men and women can be friends, and as such, I don't see why a man can't be excited to see an old childhood friend who happens to be a woman, and miss that friend.
Sounds like he's being on the up and up with you. W/o any other details, I really don't see the issue.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the reply.
He deleted the text message he sent to her that said "I miss you".
She texted him this morning, he lied to me and said it was one of his guy friends.
I am a slightly jealous person, and we have had some issues in the past with my insecurities.
Maybe he didn't want to make me upset?
That's my other thing about male/female friendships. I think they can absolutely happen - but that friendship has to be a "friend" to the marriage, and everyone have to be transparent.
You know you have issues - and I think YOU need to deal w/ those on some level because your DH shouldn't have to take the brunt of your issues. BUT he has to also understand that your issues aren't going to get BETTER by him hiding stuff from you.
Because hiding stuff could absolutely also mean that there IS more to this friendship than he wants to tell you about. And if that's the case, then maybe he needs to not be meeting her for dinner....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He told me that she's a swetheart, and she was living with my FI and his parents growing up because her did didn't want anything to do with her.
He told me last night they never even held hands.
He said she's married and has kids now.
I do have issues, and I do work on them everyday.
I'm thinking the whole him deleting that he missed her was trying not to upset me, as I do use his phone sometimes.
I guess just a little bit of jealously is coming out. I don't know if it is appropriate to have dinner with a female with not inviting his SO.
He would be very upset if I went to dinner with a past male friend.
All of this sounds okay to me. Is there something more to the story, like he always liked her or something? Or do you get the impression that this was the case?
ed: Okay, I see that he'd be upset if you went to dinner with a male friend. What's with that? Why the double standard?
Thank you for all the replies.
We have had some trust issues in the VERY beginning of our relationship, that has not helped our relationship, but have gotten over that.
As the 2nd month we were dating, I caught him seriously sexting a girl he has slept with before me. I have gotten over this, but will never forget it.
O.k. - not cool w /the double standard. And I just saw your post on Family Matters about $$. I'm going to be honest.... there seem to be some pretty decent issues going on in your relationship. And $$ can be a HUGE issue - even bigger than this jealousy issue.
I'm not going to say "leave him/ end things", but i'd encourage you to do some soul searching and decide if this is REALLY the right relationship for you. He seems to be more concerned about other people than with you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He didn't say anything about liking her. He said she was like a little sister.
I have never gone out to dinner with another male as long as I have been with him. He has also not gone out with another female to dinner as long as he has been with me.
Last 4th of July, an engaged male friend who always calls people hun, texted me and said Happy 4th of July hun, my FI saw that, and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.
It is somewhat a double standard.
He does A LOT for me, never yells at me, treats me great. He said he's never been this happy.
We do have some issues. We don't fight about the In-law issues with money. We barely fight, and we only do when it involves another female.
I know, I take all the blame for my jealous fits.
So he thinks it's okay for him to sext a previous lover, but it's not okay for a platonic friend to wish you a happy fourth of July.
This is not a good guy. This is a cheater. You're right not to trust him. You don't have a good relationship aside from this, because there IS no aside from this.
You posted about the money issue - so clearly there IS an issue. But you don't want to "tell him what to do" - so you don't actually talk to him about it much, do you? Hence, why you all never actually fight about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's not "somewhat" a double standard. It IS a double standard.
The vibe I'm getting from this is that he's pretty controlling, wants things his way, and if you dare to say 'boo', you feel bad and take all the "blame" (yes, you may have jealousy issues, but I'm beginning to think there may be a pretty good reason for that....). And you sit back and let him pretty much do whatever he wants.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think if it was innocent and they were really "just friends" he would have invited you to go with them. He would want you to meet her since they grew up as brother/sister. He shouldn't have deleted any of the texts and should have been completely honest with you.
I completely understand the double standard thing because I go through the same thing.
Thank you ladies for all the response.
I have let the past go, I do think he talks to other women. I found about the sexting the 2nd month of dating, as I looked through his phone(yes I know it's wrong, I had a feeling). He was so upset, because all of his ex's went through his phone. He then put a password on it. I know the password now, and even though I haven't found him texting other girls, he could easily delete them.
I do worry sometimes, and my jealously does get the best of me. :-(
He is the controlling type to an extent. On a daily basis, he doesn't try to tell me what to do, etc.
But when it comes to other things, he's independent. He's always been like that his family says. They say he's always had a password on his phone, etc.
The only time we have ever fought is when he claims I have a "little jealous fit" over things to do with women.
Long story SHORT. He dated a crazy girl when he was 17 for 2 months, 2 months, and she still contacts him, reams him out for being engaged, and he will still call her back. LONG STORY!
Then why did you marry him? You aren't over the cheating from the past, if you where over it you would trust him.
That's what I thought! I thought he would have invited me, even if it is innocent. If a male friend from the past invited me to dinner, I would have invited him, as I think it's out of respect for your SO.
Well look, I'd be jealous too if my SO was into talking to other women and about other women all the time. I wonder why you are/were attracted to this man?
She didn't marry him; he's just a FI at this point. What he should be is an ex-FI.
Come on honey.... to quote Kuus, why settle for this guy when there are 3 million other guys out there to pick from?
He isn't a good guy. He just isn't.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's three BILLION men, EastCoast. Three billion. No need to settle for these kinds of douchebags.
Maxine, what does your husband say when you point out his double standard and tell him to piss up a rope?
Can you elaborate?
Why did you keep dating this person if he was already talking with other women 2 months into your dating? And why do you think this guy is marriage material again?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not sure really, I fell for him, too hard. I should have ended it right there, but I didn't.
Thing is, I treat him like a KING. Laying out his PJ's, making B,L,D. Bring him coffee every day when I get out of work, etc, etc, etc, etc. I do it because I want to. But how can I do everything he wants, and have that done to me?
Like I said, I don't know if he still talks to women or not!!