Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Severe Problems with In Laws
Did it really.
Then I guess your next report to us will be one of the below:
"She saw the light and she told them where to go; they were pretty mad but that's the end of all contact with her parents!"
"I told her enough was enough and to call them and tell them off on my behalf or I split. She didn't call them so I will be leaving her tonight."
So...
Which one's it gonna be???
Oh my Goodness, Tarpon just said everything I was going to say.
No, you are not a perfect couple. Look, I can kinda understand the urge to bury your head in the sand about your wife and how SHE treats you and instead wanting to focus your hurt and anger on her parents, but as you can see that is pointless. Your wife is the hurtful one, your wife is the who is letting her parents abuse you, your wife is the one putting you in situations that are making you sick with anxiety, your wife is the one who would rather choose to upset you than upset her mommy and daddy, you wife is the one who is doing all of that to you. No one else but her.
You have no idea what life has in store for you, no idea. That is why the person you choose to marry is the most important one you will ever make. This person will either bring you years of happiness or years of misery. The person you choose to marry MUST HAVE CHARACTER. A woman with character wouldn't expose her parents to these terrible people, a woman with character would listen when her spouse wants to talk about how her parents treat them, a woman with character wouldn't tolerate her parents falsely accuse someone she loves of terrible things, a good woman wouldn't act like that, but a bad woman would.
In my 9 years of marriage, my husband and I have been through a lot including two job losses, my husband finding out he has Crohn's disease and worse...having to bury our first child. Throughout all of it, my husband has been nothing but a fortress of strength, love and understanding, even when I thought I was losing my mind to grief. He is a blessing to my life and I thank God every day that I had to good sense to marry him. I won't ever say I am lucky because that implies it was all by chance. No, I made a good decision to date and then marry him. He is patient, kind, loving, considerate, loyal, trustworthy, understanding, hardworking, supportive, encouraging and mostly he has my back. Even at times when we had fights with his family, he chose to upset them rather than upset me, as he should. He has many times upheld his vows to " forsake all others and let no one come between us."
If your wife isn't there for you now, how is she going to be there in the future when life can get very difficult? You too could lose homes, jobs, parents, or like us lose a child. If she can't handle a difficult conversation with you now, how will she handle other difficulties ? What if you get MS or cancer ? Do you honestly think she will support you during a time like that when she can't even tell her parent's to stop treating you like dirt ?
I'm sorry but when it came to choosing a wife and someone to have a family with and build a future with, you chose poorly. Stop being a doormat and be very blunt with what she is at risk of losing by not standing by your side and telling her parents to shut their mouths. She has to establish boundaries and she has to make consequences for their bad behavior. Consequences that would include her cutting them out of her life. Doing anything less would be an insult to you.
Wow! stw_77 said it all...
I think you should show the above response to your wife. She may never have thought of what she is doing in that light. I have no idea if it is enough of a wake up call to her but it is worth a shot.
I'm going through an almost identical situation with my husband's parents. We have our first counseling session in a couple days.
The pain of having him not stand up for me is really painful. Finding out that my parent's-in-law haven't accepted me as part of their family after dating for 4 years plus marriage.
We had a similar conversation where I was being attacked, but I just let them have at me to prove my point about them being mean people. It worked, finally. My husband is just now dealing with the reality that his family isn't who he thought they were.
My point is, there's hope. We have a long way to go, but we're moving in the right direction. I feel anxiety about being around them. I won't go be around them unless I have complete confidence that my husband will defend me. I also won't be going back until my husband has some words with his mother about her actions.
It seems to me like you and I both need to set boundaries that protect us. Seeing them on Thanksgiving and Christmas for a couple of hours seems like more than enough considering that they don't respect or appreciate me.
And what he decided.
It makes me very sad that she won't defend you. And honestly, that is really going to cause problems for your marriage (as I am sure you are already seeing, hence the counseling). It is hard to hear...but she does not respect you. YOU are to be her #1. If there is a wedge (whatever it is..jobs, inlaws, friends) in between you then it is both your responsibilities to remove that wedge.
Definitely do not bring kids into this picture.
If your in-laws are concerned about taking the Bible literally, have you mentioned the verses about a husband and wife leaving their parents and clinging to each other? (Matthew 19:4-6, Ephesians 5:31)
So sorry for you.
Every single thing you have stated throughout this entire thread, I completely agree with and I believe you're right. I give you props for great advice.
You see; I have gone through something similar, except it was my parents doing this sort of thing. The situation is a bit different! My parents have always been the type of parent's who say things out of anger, never apologized, always swept it under the rug, never took responsibility for the things they've said or done, and my siblings are the exact same way. I am/was the only one who was different within the family. When I was pregnant, my bf (at the time) and I took their offer on moving in with them due to me being on bedrest throughout a significant amount of time through my pregnancy. My Mom was laid off, so this was a perfect opportunity for us to save money and have someone home with me, along with helping me out while I was on bedrest. After we had our son, my bf asked me to marry him a month later. When my son was born, my mother changed. She became super controlling when it came to my son. My fiance kept telling me how he thought my mother truly thought our son was hers. At that time, I thought he was crazy. After a few months, I realized, he was not crazy. Things started to get really bad when she started to tell me what to do with my baby and how all I do with him is feed him, rock him to sleep and that's it. Well, what else do you do with a three month old?? She started to really ridicule me and say awful things that I was totally shocked. Then she started to tell me how I should just focus on my son and put off getting married. So my response was to her "I can focus on my son, plan a wedding, and get married as well. There's millions who have done it before, therefore, I can do it as well." She didn't like that at all, then my sister started to say the same things. They were very opinionated about what I chose for my wedding, along with being very negative and they caused alot of drama. When we all went to the beach for vacation, that is when I had enough and I couldn't take it any longer. I'd start to see alot more of what my fiance was talking about. For example, we were all on the beach and I didn't have my phone with me, so I asked my Mom to quick take a picture of my son and his dad (my fiance) since we were all down at the ocean. She did so, but he asked her to send him the pictures at least 5 different times while we were on that vacation and she had every excuse that she couldn't. This woman's phone is constantly up her ass. So, I finally said to her that she needs to send me the pictures. What do you know, she sends me the pictures ASAP, within seconds. There was a huge argument between her, myself, and my fiance a month before we went on that vacation and ever since then she was against him. This is all due to him not going against me and not siding with her. Things just got worse with her and my sister. We finally found a house that we were going to move into, but we had to wait a month for it to be ready. One day, I get this text from my brother stating I need to get out of my parents house and then my fiance got a text message from my sister saying if his facebook status is about her Mom then that's totally disrespectful, etc. My Mom freaked out and said it was about her and that he needs to get out of the house. I told her, if he goes then so do we and she said that's my choice. She told me I have to tell him he has to leave. I told her, it's her house and she's always acting so tough like she'd say anything to anyone so she needs to tell him. She never told him and that's when my siblings started the texting. Here is the thing; she has made numerous statuses about him and she has made numerous insulting comments about him, but never put his name in it. However, everyone knew they were about him or she was referring to him. She's a hypocrite! His status was a verse to a song and she assumed it was towards her. Guilty concience hmm?! The day my siblings were texting us, I started to pack our things because I knew it was time to go. When I came downstairs while my son was sleeping, I went into the kitchen to back up the rest of the bottles and her and I started to argue. I told her I'd never forgive her and then I said, she can never stand on her own two feet alone, instead she constantly gets other's involved (my sister, brother, SIL, and two cousin's) and twists the truth for other's to be on her side. At that point, she came out in the kitchen after me. She pushed me up against the counter, the bottles went flying, she tore my hair out of my head to the point of where I had bumps on the back of my head, and she struck me but the only contact she had was from her ring scratching my lip. In order for her to get off of me, I punched her in the face a few times and that's what made her stop. She looked at me and told me to get out now, then I heard my son crying and I ran up to him then called my fiance and told him. He was on his way to come for us and my sister came to the house. My mom started threatening court, she'd take us to court for my son. I never told her I'd keep him away from her, but she just started spewing how she'd take us to court. To make a long story short; we moved in with a good friend and then moved in with my fiance's mom for a short time til our home was ready. From the day my mom put her hands on me, we were threatened for 6 months. We received threatening and harassing text messages from my mom and sister. They sent us a letter from a lawyer a week before our son's first birthday, which mind you we invited them to and they declined to come. We made the decision that they are not the type of people we want in our lives or our son's life. If you're going to ridicule us to everyone and say awful things about us, then what made us think they wouldn't do this in front of our son? Not only that, but we did not trust any of them any longer. Who in their right mind would leave their child with people they don't trust? This never had anything to do with my son, it had to do with control. My mom wasn't in control therefore she was going out of her mind. Two weeks til our wedding and they started putting more things up on facebook about us. The day of my bridal shower, my SIL puts a status us stating that we are horrible people and any one who came to my shower was ignorant and nieve. We were respectful and invited my parents, but my mother decided to send her RSVP back to me with purple magic marker written all over it ridiculing me and within that came a huge long letter. The letter was putting me down, and stating a bunch of lies. Why she keeps on lying about what happened and what they did is beyond me because they sent everything in text messages (we kept all of them, took pictures of all of them, and then saved them on a USB drive just in case we actually went to court) and text messages and pictures do not lie. We had all of the proof of them harassing and threatening us. I haven't spoken to any of them in 6 months and I don't plan on doing so ever. I have forgiven them, but just because I have forgiven them does not mean I want a relationship with them or I want my family around their dysfunction. In the letter she sent me, she actually gloated about how my husband and his son had a disconnection. Her exact words, "your boyfriend was just jealous that Gavin was closer to us than to him, but now he doesn't have to worry about that." I'm sorry, but that's sickening to even say and think. There is a lot more that she had done while we lived there, but I think I've typed alot already.
To the OP: My family, strictly, my mom and sister were against my fiance and after everything they have done and said, I chose him. He is my immediate family! I made that decision when we made the decision to have a child and just like we made that decision when we decided to get married. Her parents are her distant family. If she is not going to have your back then I'm sorry to say this, but it is time to walk away. Please, do NOT start a family if she's still going to continue this nonsense. Bringng a child into a situation like this will make things worse. They will try to control your wife even more, guarantee, they will split your family up and then you will no longer be a full time parent. She and the baby will end up living with her parents and you will see your child part time. Save yourself the even more pain you'd go through than you already are. I wish you all the luck and I'm very sorry you're going through such a thing.
Whew. Okay. Here is my take on this (I did not read all of the responses so you may have seen some of what I think on someone else's post but regardless, here is my two cents). I am not in your position... I am in your wife's. I had a very strong relationship with my parents and they have always treated me in a way that I have grown to accept. My husband and I got engaged October of 2011 and we got married in August 2012. From the time we got engaged, all hell broke loose. My parents, specifically my mom, became rude and demeaning towards my now husband. During all of this, I felt hopelessly caught in the middle. My husband was constantly offended by things my mother said and did while I brushed them off. There were a few times that I should have stood up for him and I didn't. My family (meaning my extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) started in on him as well. To the point that my cousin punched my husband in the face six days before my wedding and when my husband threatened to call the cops, my family was in an uproar.... Honestly that was a turning point for me. Since then, I have gotten much better at standing up for my husband and I have to admit, it was a learning experience and I'm still working on it. IT IS MY NATURE TO NOT STAND UP FOR MYSELF AGAINST MY FAMILY and that has been the hardest thing for me to do. However, I am learning. My family has said and done some crazy *** when it comes to my hubby and although it always upset me, I never stood up for him. Now I do. I have pulled away drastically from my family since October of this year basically because everything was just too much for us to bear. My husband and I have very little contact with my family and I didn't spend any of the holidays with them at the big family gatherings that my family usually has. This year, we were away (out of the country visiting hubby's family) for Christmas and it was the best decision we ever made. I cannot explain how much better my relationship with my husband has gotten since I basically cut off relations with my family. Though I love them, my husband is my family. That is what happens when you break away and become one with your spouse. So I think that your wife definitely has some shaping up to do regarding standing up for you but I also think that even those who are really close with their family can learn to distance themselves when the time calls for it. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this as I know how hard it can be to be treated like crap from your inlaws. I've seen my husband go through it and its really hard. I'm ashamed of the way my family treated/treats him and it pains me to see him squirm anytime we have to see them. I think that you need to express to your wife that you feel she needs to speak up for you. Things will not get better until that happens. Being on her side of it, I know it will not get better until she stands up for you. Since my family seems to work like hers, I get the situation she is in. I also understand that you are the person she will live with for the rest of her life. Does she understand that? I hope for your sake that things get better and she learns to grow some balls with her family.
I think ultimately, you need to be patient with her but make sure she understands how you feel and that she needs to be the one to correct these bad habits that her family has started. If she doesn't stop them, then who will? You? The invisible ghost that they don't bother with? No. She is obviously the person that they hold so beloved that they have gone to the point of changing her name (bullshit and a low blow btw, shame on them) so she needs to be the one that ends all this. To put it simply, she cannot give them the prize (which is her/her love/her time/her affection) when they act like disobedient children. I know it is harder than anything to scold your own parents but it is possible and until she does that, it'll just continue on the way it has.
My husband and I never saw a counselor over our issues with my family but we managed to talk it out and sometimes yell it out on our own. Maybe you should try that as well and not rely so heavily on the counselor.
I hope your situation gets better, I really do.
I can empathize. I haven't spoken to my in-laws for almost 3 years. After they lured my husband and I over for a "nice family dinner" about a month after the wedding, the post-dinner conversation went along the lines of how horrible the wedding was, how mean i was to my BIL, how bad of a person I am, and how all of our friends and bridal party were so rude. They were the ones who didn't show up to the rehearsal and tried to manipulate our vendors against their contracts (which I paid for and still am). I personally went out of my way and bent over backwards just to impress his mother. Our wedding was all about him.
After we left their house that night, I told my husband that since I now knew how they really felt (which I had suspected the whole time bc my DH is an Orthodox Jew and I'm not) that I didn't want anything to do with them. It has taken some time for husband to come around, but he knows that will never make him choose between me and them. He finally made a stand one day because he got tired of his brother bad-mouthing me and now he rarely sees them. He only goes over for some holidays, if that since they don't know how to plan anything. They'll call the day before a get-together and we will have plans. He would ditch me at the beginning, but like I said, has come around. He has enabled them all of his life and he just got tired of them treating him like a child. He's 30! I'll save my BIL rant for another day.
Long story short, it will take time and there will a breaking point for her. Severing ties completely has been the BEST thing I've ever done! I'm also glad I know the truth because I know I don't to try hard to impress them since I know they hate me.
. There is a silver lining.
Do you have children or plan to have children?
My honest advice, is to just be the bigger person. Show them what an amazing partner their daughter has chosen for herself. Write a card to them both being extremely respectful and asking them to move forward with you for the sake of their daughter. I would say the following points:
- You are right that I'm not perfect, but I love your daughter and we have chosen to spend our lives together. I only hope that one day you can accept me as part of your family.
- I can never show you enough gratitude for raising the woman that I love. She is an amazing person and I will always be grateful to both of you.
- I know we have had differences in our past, but I sincerely hope we can put those behind us and move forward for the sake of my wife and your daughter. She loves you both very much and deserves to have hostility-free holidays and be able to share her life, much of which involves me, with the two of you.
- I don't expect that we are all going to be best friends and I can look past the way you have treated me, I just want to move forward with a mutual respect for each other.
A lot of those things are difficult to say. It doesn't even really matter if you whole heartedly mean them, but sending them a letter showing that they are not ruining your marriage by being rude to you and that you truly love their daughter and respect them as human beings can really go a long way. The drinking makes them toxic to her and your relationship but just don't let it. As the child of two extremely alcoholic and really absurd parents, I totally understand how hard it is to just let go and be the better person... but that is what it takes to have peace.
Best of luck!
I have to agree. Imagine someone telling you to cut your family out of your life completely, even if they are difficult. You would obviously feel torn and I wouldn't want to put someone I love in the position of choosing between me and their family, who have definitely been in their life a lot longer than I have. Think of the resentment it could cause.
My advice would be working towards being able to manage the interactions with the in-laws to the best of your ability. Sometimes it takes swallowing your pride to keep peace in the family.
This!!
As someone who has in-law issues myself, I'm hesitant to just tell you to cut all ties with the in-laws, for the simple fact that it puts your wife in an uncomfortable position, which can put a strain on your relationship.
I can tell you that, despite my in-law issues, my husband is still very close to his family. I've talked it over with him and asked him to understand my position if I decide not to accompany him on visits. But, when I do have to see them, I make sure to be as cordial as I would be with anyone's parents, with the understanding that I will not be talked down or bullied, should that issue arise. If they chose to ignore you, but you still have to see them, be coolly polite and even-toned, and shake all of that negativity off once you leave their front door. Easier said than done, I know, but take it from someone who is living it.