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Should I leave my husband? (my apologies, lengthy post)
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, will be married 3 years in May. I just gave birth to our first child this past November.
Before we were engaged, my husband (then boyfriend) cheated on me. Slept with another woman. He apologized, said he would never do it again. We went to therapy and worked through it.
Fast forward...right after we sent out our wedding invitations, I found out he had been FB messaging with a woman that he was setting up plans to meet. He told her he wanted to see her naked. I was too embarrassed to cancel the wedding so we ended up "working it out" and he swore he meant nothing by it, just playing around and would never have went through with meeting up. I do realize that of course that is what he is going to tell me and pretty sure he would have went through with it if I had not found the messages. *I realize some will say that I should never have married him in the first place and my response is that you are probably right*
Fast forward to this past May, I was in my first/second trimester of pregnancy and super sick. I found text messages he wrote to another woman telling her that he wanted to have sex with her. When confronted he told me that it meant nothing, he was drunk and would never have gone through with it.
One month later, he texted another woman and told her that he just had sex with her in his mind. Again, when confronted he apologized, said he was drunk and didn't remember sending it. He promised he would never do it again, said he loves me and that we have to try to make this work for our baby.
I told him that I would try to forgive him, but that I was heartbroken again and that at some point he will wake up and I will be gone. One can only handle so much heartache.
I've had a very hard time letting things go enough to try to work through our problems since I feel like what type of person would tell women he wants to have sex with them when he is married with a baby on the way.
This past week, he sent another text message to yet another woman asking her if he could have sex with her. I told him that I want I a divorce. He is begging me to stay and work through it with him. He says he wants to do marriage counseling and that we owe it to our 3 month old daughter to work on our marriage and be a family.
I took my marriage vows extremely seriously and feel like because I committed to "for better or worse" I should try the marriage counseling. I admit that I have had a lot of resentment toward my husband throughout our relationship for the cheating. I know that I am responsible for some of our inability to be happy, however what I can't seem to wrap my head around is why he keeps doing these things and then tells me he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He swears they mean nothing and that he is just really thoughtless. Why doesn't he just agree that we should not be together because clearly he wants to be with other people and not me.
I haven't really spoken to him for the past week, only enough to take care of our daughter together. I would love advice.
Re: Should I leave my husband? (my apologies, lengthy post)
Normally I wouldn't say something along these lines, but it sounds as if he has issues that cannot be worked out in a relationship. You gave him numerous chances and did therapy, and he proved it wasn't just a one time fluke. It sounds as if he has very limited respect for you and himself, and you don't deserve this sort of treatment, especially after you've given him way more forgiveness than he deserved. Tell him to get help and start the divorce process.
He's a cheater and always will be. This will not change. Make your decisions based on this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You owe it to your child to work on your relationship with him, but he doesn't owe it to you or your child to stop trying to have sex with other women?? Nice.
I would definitely leave. If you want to try counceling, that's a decision only you can make. But staying with him through the counceling will only prove to him that he can do it again and he can manipulate you into forgiving him yet again. You and your son deserve better IMO. GL mama
Before we were engaged, my husband (then boyfriend) cheated on me. Slept with another woman. He apologized, said he would never do it again. We went to therapy and worked through it.
And as you can see, once a cheater, always a cheater:
Fast forward...right after we sent out our wedding invitations, I found out he had been FB messaging with a woman that he was setting up plans to meet. He told her he wanted to see her naked.
Disgraceful, as you know.
I was too embarrassed to cancel the wedding so we ended up "working it out" and he swore he meant nothing by it, just playing around and would never have went through with meeting up.
Or so he said. Too bad you didn't have balls enough to kick him to the curb.
I do realize that of course that is what he is going to tell me and pretty sure he would have went through with it if I had not found the messages. *I realize some will say that I should never have married him in the first place and my response is that you are probably right*
We sure are.
Fast forward to this past May, I was in my first/second trimester of pregnancy and super sick. I found text messages he wrote to another woman telling her that he wanted to have sex with her. When confronted he told me that it meant nothing, he was drunk and would never have gone through with it.
Does the last underlined part sound oh so familiar?
WHY didn't you get rid of this PIG??? WHY didn't you???
One month later, he texted another woman and told her that he just had sex with her in his mind. Again, when confronted he apologized, said he was drunk and didn't remember sending it. He promised he would never do it again, said he loves me and that we have to try to make this work for our baby.
Again it's He's sorry He was drunk and You 2 Worked Through It. Some people never learn.
I told him that I would try to forgive him, but that I was heartbroken again and that at some point he will wake up and I will be gone. One can only handle so much heartache.
And one handles it with denial. Right?
I've had a very hard time letting things go enough to try to work through our problems since I feel like what type of person would tell women he wants to have sex with them when he is married with a baby on the way.
Do you truly think they knew he was about to be a doting daddy??? The hell. And even if they did, they didn't care. Ever think about that one?
This past week, he sent another text message to yet another woman asking her if he could have sex with her. I told him that I want I a divorce. He is begging me to stay and work through it with him. He says he wants to do marriage counseling and that we owe it to our 3 month old daughter to work on our marriage and be a family.
So what did you say to this? Just wondering.
I took my marriage vows extremely seriously and feel like because I committed to "for better or worse" I should try the marriage counseling. I admit that I have had a lot of resentment toward my husband throughout our relationship for the cheating. I know that I am responsible for some of our inability to be happy, however what I can't seem to wrap my head around is why he keeps doing these things and then tells me he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He swears they mean nothing and that he is just really thoughtless. Why doesn't he just agree that we should not be together because clearly he wants to be with other people and not me.
YOu are not responsible for the fact he's a serial adulterer.
And you're waiting for HIM to agree with the fact you shouldn't be together?? WHY?
I haven't really spoken to him for the past week, only enough to take care of our daughter together. I would love advice.
I am pretty sure you know what to do.Posthaste, see an attorney. Secure your assets; make sure he can't get your money or your holdings. And finalize divorce proceedings and when that's at the ready, file.
You don't even have to tell him you are going. If you do, he'll only give you a lot of melodramatic bullshit and you're bound to give in and stay with him...because you know he was drunk and he promised not to do it again.
"Thoughtless", really? Thoughtless is taking somebody's place in line!
This relationship never should have happened. You should have ended the engagement and cancelled the wedding and lambasted this bastard when he did this when you were engaged.
Get rid of him and do it NOW. THere's nothing to work through here -- he is also potentially exposing you to God knows what STDs; for this reason, get tested.
Get out before he damanges the little of the self esteem you have left. Wishing you luck.
I think you owe it to your daughter to have self respect for yourself. By staying with him while he is having sex in his mind with another woman or texting other women to try and have sex you are an idiot.
I think he has had to have had sex with one of these women or one he didn't text. What a POS.
It very well could be he may have a sexual addiction and in this case, the OP cannot help him at all.
He does these things because he can. You've proven over and over that you're just going to sit there and take it, so why should he change? He's got the best of both worlds.
Thanks God you didn't lose that cake deposit though, right? Boy howdy, that would have been really embarrasing!
This is my thoughts exactly. It sounds as if her H may have an addiction, and although therapy may help him, there is nothing she can do until he gets help. It's kind of like being with a drug addict.
If that is the case, what kind of life are you and your daughter living until he does get help (if he ever really does)? No life at all.
OP, it's time to throw the towel in on this one.
You might have meant your vows, but he clearly didn't. Counseling will not help here, because he is obviously willing to lie his @ss off and say whatever it takes to keep you stringing along while he blatantly continues to try (and I'm with PPs who say he has already) and bang other women on the side.
DTMFA.
Yep! I'd say the only other option here is to accept this and perhaps have an "open" marriage/lifestyle. Not my bag but it could work if you don't want to end the marriage.
And he has called your bluff many many times and in return, you ignore what is happening and he gets to treat you like a doormat.
And the sick pattern goes on and on.
If he agrees to go to counseling he will only go to appease you. As the PP pointed out everything is too far gone for the counseling stage.
This. I don't even know why you even have to ask this question.
BFP 2/22 EDC 10/30 SCH 2/27(scary!) 3/1 US @ 5wk 2d gestational sac in utero(true to dates) Beta#1 1354 Beta#2 2238 Beta#3 6351 STICK LO!! STICK STICK STICK!!!
He clearly has no interest in changing. You've given him multiple opportunities to redeem himself and quite frankly these "I was drunk" excuses are just pathetic. He.is.not.going.to.change.
Live YOUR life how you want it, you are destined to be miserable if you stay in this marriage, he has no desire to change. Getting married and having a child together did nothing to change how he acts- what are the chances he is going to change in the future? None.
Lastly - you're setting a horrible example to your daughter by staying in a relationship with a man that has no desire to be faithful to his wife. There's staying together for the sake of a child and maintaining a happy family, but I can't see how healthy this relationship will be for your daughter, I really don't.
My vote is for counseling, couple & individual. Do I expect it to save your marriage,honestly no. But I think it would be good for your future. The couples counseling is for a safe place for your to vent your feelings of frustration & hurt to him. It's not good to hold that in. The individual counseling will be a place where you can talk about whatever and how you're feeling to continue to help get over the hurt he has caused you and maybe help you develop a plan for the future.
The help to get over the hurt will hopefully help produce a better co-parenting relationship between the two of you. You don't have to love each other, but if you can get past the hurt of what he did, you'll be able to get along better for the sake of your daughter. It will also help you to not carry the hurt into any relationship you may have down the road.
I am sorry for your situation, I am a big "go to counseling" fan but this is beyond "saving". He disrespects you, he lies to you, he breaks his marital vows, he cheats on you (yes, having inappropriate thoughts or sexting is IMO cheating), he hasnt supported you during pregnancy but has futher hurt you. Get out. If you don't own your home and have no financial stake in your living arrangements, file for divorce and pack your bags when he is gone and leave. If it is your house or your name is on the contract, kick him to the curb then after the notice is up get all the locks changed. Get your family and friends on board and behind you for support so you don't go back to him, plus for protection if he doesn't take to the divorce very well. If you are really pissed, get word out to his family that you are leaving him and why (if you are on good terms with them, if not then don't bother).
If you need/want to, track down the numbers and emails of the women he has been in contact with, I assume you have access to them since you found the evidence to begin with. Contact the women, (don't blame them they probably didn't know he was married). Explain who you are, and that you are divorcing your husband and if they ever had a physical relationship with your husband, or exchanged sext pictures. Get statements from them if any are disgusted enough by him to want to help you out, anything that can act as evidence of his affairs. Even his email history, print it and keep it close. Perhaps you don't want to go through this or aren't angry enough to do so, but you will need evidence for your divorce.
I don't know the role you will want for him in your child's life, but figure that out so you know if you want to have him around for the next 18+ years, or if you want him to sign over custody (also means no support payments). Don't let being a single mother scare you into not leaving, do it for yourself and for your child. Plently of women have raised a child alone, and I am sure you are as strong as any of them. If you have support from family that is even better. I am so sorry for your situation, prayers are with you.
PS. don't listen to people blaming you for your situation, yes you married him, but you are well past that and rubbing your face in a past decision isnt helpful in moving on now. Chin up, own your past decisions, stay strong, do what you need to do, don't look back.
Something similar happened to me with my now husband. He sereved in the military and starting dating at a long distance. We had only met once and it was suppose to just be a one night stand but it ended up in him coming home and purposing to me. A some 2 3 months later we found out that I was pregant and he seemed to be very excited, I however was not and very upset that the BCP failed me. However I embraced it but I found some text messages on his phone to a girl he use to mess around with a long long time ago and it was him telling her how when he got home him and his parents fought baout them being together and how he moved out and on his own so he could be with her mind you he was living with me without a paying for anything and just got a crappy job and asked her about meeting up and picking up where they left off. Me being pregnant with raging harmones pulled him out of the bed and threw my ring at him and told him to get out of my house and don't ever look back. He of course denied it up and down until I started putting his belongings on the porch. I left him for a couple of days and he called to talk it all out and promised he would never do it again. He hasn't done that since then but it took me being serious and giving him a wake up call for him to realize I ment business and I wasn't going to be playing around. We got back together and got married but something similar came up after we sent out the invatations and I didn't want to be humilated and cancel the wedding, we started to go to a couples therapy and it has helped tremendously. I'm not going to say I have completely forgiven him only because it was to me the most hurtful thing someone could do and whose to say it wouldn't happen. I know you didn't want me whole spieal but I hope this helps.
What I am trying to say summing it all up is maybe he needs this wake up call. If he doesn't want to go through a divorce and you seem to be hesitaint as well then why not seperate for a short time and show him that you are not playing games and sorry can only go so far. Hes no longer just messing with you he is now messing with your child and that there is not fair.
Absolutely leave him.
Here's the thing - counseling isn't magic. It doesn't turn people into something that they aren't. It doesn't change people just bu virtue of them going in. So if you think that counseling is going to suddenly turn him into a husband who respects you and the vow of monogamy he took, you're wrong.
Even if he went to counseling, he's still going to cheat on you. Nothing is going to change, because nothing has ever changed. He doesn't want to change.
Get yourself tested for STDs. Talk to a lawyer about what your divorce options are, and start the paperwork.