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Ignored or rude...
When my wife and I visit her sister and husband, it usually involves an overnight stay. While there, the girls will spend virtually every waking moment with each other just talking, and I try to engage her husband in conversation, receiving nothing more than a grunt or one word for an answer. By the time the visit is over, my wife has had a good time, and I feel like I was a stranger in their home.
On an occassion with my wife's entire immediate family, at the end of the visit, her parents were taking personal photos with everyone, After getting pictures with the girls, my mother-in-law got a picture with my brother-in-law while I waited. After taking the picture, my mother and father-in-law left without taking a picture with me.
After spending an entire day alone with her sister, my wife sort of invited me to go out with them that evening. I say sort of invited because of how it was phrased. "Kim and I are going out. You can come with us, if you want." Permission, not an invitation. During the three hours together, my wife kept her chair turned with her back facing me. Several times I tried to get involved in the conversation only to recieve a brief answer from my wife then right back to talking with her sister with her back turned to me.
We just celebrated our 20th anniversary and I still do not feel like I'm part of their family. Am I being overly sensitive by feeling hurt and ignored, or are they being rude?
Re: Ignored or rude...
I'd hope in 20 years, you've talked to her about this. What has her response been?
And in 20 years, why do you still subject yourself to these situations when you HAVE to know what's going to happen?
Your BIL might just be very introverted. A neighbor of ours is like that. VERY hard to engage in conversation.
But the rest of it- yes, it's all rude. But in 20 years - what have you said/ why do you still go?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's not that things have been going on like this for 20 years. It's been for the most part the past 4 years with things really getting ramped up in the past year
My wife and I are trying to work through it, but it honestly took months of kicking and screaming on my part before she finally saw what her actions were doing. She will say it wasn't her intent. I can't see or feel intent. I can only go by what she says or does.
My MIL & FIL live just over a mile away. Try getting away from that. Anyway, she is concerned with only herself. She even puts her daughters before her husband of more than 50 years. I did finally get an apology from her, two weeks after I tried to calmly discuss it with her that ended disasterously. That's something her daughters hadn't seen in more than 45 years.
My SIL & BIL live over 100 miles away. If I don't go, I'll end up sitting around the house. I was doing that for four years. She would ask, "Is it ok if I go to Kim's for the weekend for some sister time?" How can I say anything but yes without coming off as a jerk? To her, sister time does not include me and she honestly thought I didn't like visiting them. Did she ask me? Not once. She assumed and when they asked about me, she would tell them I didn't want to come. She directly affected how they thought about me, and because she never told me they asked about me, I thought they didn't care if I was there or not. We did have a family meeting with them about this, and they realized they too never asked me why I don't like doing family things and if they had, they would have found their thoughts were wrong and misguided.
I also have no family in the area and all my friends were from my running around days and they still do that. I'm way past that and really don't need the bad influence. My friends now are through my wife. Yes, I am a bit of an introvert, but I do try. My BIL is not an introvert. He can be very in your face but around me, ten words over the course of a weekend is a lot.
I believe my SIL & BIL don't realize how hurtful they were. My wife is going to talk to her sister about this.
I'm hopeful, just not very confident.
i'm a huge introvert but realize the importance of having my own friends. there aren't many but they're very important and close to me. you dont work with others? you can't join a book club or a cooking class or something? you wont make instant friends but you will get out and interact and not be an appendage to your wife.
Yes, my wife is a huge issue. When asked by a therapist if during the three hours with her sister if I tried to get involved in the conversation. When she answered that I had and that she responded then turned her back again, the therapist said, "So we do have a problem, don't we?" We will see a therapist together in a few weeks.
I do not expect to be entertained. I do however expect to feel like my presence is wanted.
As a guest in someone's home, is it unreasonable to expect them to at least acknowledge me? If my expectations are unreasonable, please tell me.
My wife was going to therapy. Unfortunately her therapist scheduled appointments weeks apart and she is now working for her Master's, so we have to go with another therapist and start all over.
A huge part of the problem is how my wife states things:
She told her sis and BIL that I didn't want to come for a visit. Truth is she asked for sister time alone.
She told her BIL to bring someone to pick up the desk we were giving them as I had a bad back. Truth is, my back was a little sore from doing a lot of heavy lifting recently at work. I still carried one end out to the truck as the help truly did have a bad back.
I worked for a publicly funded charter school whose students studied from home but with a public school education. She told people I work for a school that caters to handicapped and disadvantaged children.
When correcting her son when he was a child, I would use a lower, deeper voice. She would tell me to stop yelling at her son. Then her son would tell his father that I was yelling at him. End result, I would be confronted by the ex-husband for how I treated his son.
A small amount of cat hair on one particular chair and she would complain loudly about how the chair was ruined. I would break out the lint roller and viola! Chair restored!
I don't mind being alone when it's my choice. However I do not like being abandoned because my wife didn't think enough to ask me if I wanted to go with her.
I know, I know.... Why didn't I ask if I could go?
Why should I? I don't ask if she wants to go with me to visit my folks out of town. I make plans with her and we go together. Isn't that how it's supposed to be done?
Your only friends are from your "running around days" - what, TWENTY years ago? And you're presently calling them a "bad influence"?
ANd all this - w/ both your wife AND her family - supposedly started in the past 4 years?
I don't mean to sound snarky, but there is something to all of this that just isn't adding up.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree, something is amiss. I'm assuming you are either in your late thirties or forties and I cannot for the life of me fathom how your wife can be abandoning you for a weekend away with her sister. You don't have any friends, family or activities that you enjoy to keep you busy? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.
I think it's unreasonable to expect these family members to be something they are not.
The guys I ran with are still into drinking, getting stoned, and in general just being total waste cases. Many of them have recent police records, and several have spent years in prison.
Her mother did not like me from the beginning. But together we confronted her on our terms. It took a long time, but at least the snide comments finally stopped.
Let me give you an idea of how my wife thinks. We would stay with her parents at their trailer at the beach for long weekends. We didn't have to pay anything, but I would make one hell of a steak dinner for repay them. How did my wife repay them. Because we were staying for free, she felt we were obligated to do whatever her mother wanted to do. That's when I would hear, "We are going to the Boardwalk. You can come along, if you want." I just got permission to go with them, if I chose to. It felt like it didn't matter if I went or not. I only found out recently that she felt we owed her mother every minute of our vacation time. No wonder I felt like we never had our own vacation unless we went by ourselves.
It wasn't until about 10 years ago her sister moved from being 45 minutes away to about 125 miles away. Going to their house for a Saturday was nothing. He wasn't home much as he was a workaholic. Their kids were young and yes, we all had great times. When she moved 2 1/2 hours away, visiting was more challenging. Kim would ask Karen if she would like to come down. Karen took it as she was the only one invited. Sometimes I had something to do that weekend, but often I didn't. Four years ago the BIL and I got into it because he was berating my wife about her diabetes and what she just ate for breakfast. Never mind that he made breakfast. I jumped to her defense and he asked if I wanted to take it outside. Since he has me by several inches and at least 50 lbs, I declined. On the way home, still fuming, I told her I never wanted to see the *** again. She took that comment as gospel. She was only trying to protect me by keeping me not only from him, but from the entire household. In truth, once I had my say with him, the matter was dropped. But she made them think I didn't want to go, and she made me feel like I wasn't invited. Four years that I will never get back just because of one comment during one heated exchange. I'm her husband, not a child. She kept me from them and told nobody why.
I think the issue is not her sister but your lack of effective communication as a couple. Clearly you don't communicate very well and the little things have built up.
How often does she visit? Unless it is monthly, I don't really see why you need to come or can't suck it up and deal with awkward a few times a year. I don't have a sister, but am close with my mom. We don't always include husbands, so DH stays home, comes with and entertains himself or hangs out with my dad. My dad is not social, so that often means a few sentences of conversation and watching A&E crime drama.
I am not saying your wife should be telling people you don't want to visit or that she should be rude to you while there, that is not ok. I really think this all boils down to communication and petty irritation that has built up over the years. Maybe you should see the counselor in individual couple sessions.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I agree. OP - do you think she says "You can come, if you want" to give you the opportunity to do something else if you'd rather? I don't really see that as that big of a deal...
That said, I don't think you're wife is totally off the hook (telling half truths, throwing you under the bus, etc). And there is no excuse for her being dismissive and rude. But do you think you have the capacity to be too needy? Do you really need her undivided attention during these visits with her sister? After reading your posts you sound insecure and like you need your wife's attention when you're in these situations. If she wants some time with her sister alone, are you ok with that? Can you sit it out and let her do her own thing without you?
Regarding the visits to your SILs house, you have two options - 1. Go and suck it up, do your best to make small talk with other family members or 2. Stop going so often to save yourself the disappointment. I think the latter is your best option here.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I want to feel like I am part of my wife's family.
Is there anything wrong with that?
All I can really take from this is that you and your wife have horrible communication skills. You both make assumptions about what was said instead of asking questions and clarifying situations. And at least with you- you get hurt and bent out of shape about things she says instead of asking her what she means.
And from all of this, little hurts have been built up and now I think you read into/nit pick certain situations based on hurt instead of based on reality.~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ok, I'm not a woman, and I don't know what sister bonds are like. I do however have a brother, and I am close with him. So I do have some idea.
Does the fact that she has a sister mean I don't belong...... ever?
I agree that she is visiting too much, but I don't think that is the issue. I think you both have serious issues communicating. The fact that she is there that much without a reason (like her sister is sick) then she is avoiding something. Perhaps she doesn't know how to communicate what she is thinking or feeling. Either way this is not an issue with her family it is an issue with her. I would suggest continuing talking with something and avoid making this a me or your sister situation. Again, so talk with someone without her if her schedule is full. Granted it your marriage is having issues she should probably make the time, assuming she wants things to change.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Cripes this. Methinks she's avoiding a really, really needy husband.
I have never met a man in my life who wouldn't be thrilled to get the house to himself for a couple of days. This whole post confuses me greatly. Of course in the 12 years I've been with my husband, he's met my extended family maybe twice so what do I know.
I do think you sounds needy, but I also think your wife is weirdly dependent on her sister or something. (I'm also an only child, so maybe what do I know?) Her visits do seem excessive. I do believe though that she should be allowed sister alone time, and it isn't really her job to entertain you during her family visits. But it seems she oftens runs away at the drop of a hat, and that's not good either.
You guys do have a serious communication problem. It seems like you have had some hard times, but you aren't working through them as a couple. I think therapy would be a good idea, if you are both willing.
Needy? Your opinions.
Is it too much to be felt welcome by those that invite you to their home?
My wife worked at home during the following:
I would get a call Thursday afternoon. "I took the rest of the day and tomorrow off and I'm going down Kim's. I'll see you Sinday, ok?
I would kiss her Friday morning as I was leaving for work. "I'm going to call out today and go down Kim's. I'll call you when I get there, Ok?
Yes, it's poor communication. Whe're working on that.
Was I treated fairly? It doesn't matter what you think. I asked her that last night. She admited that she was thinking only of herself and never gave a thought about if I wanted to go.
Do I want her to be able to visit her sister without me? Yes I do, but not by taking advantage of me.
No Unfortunately I did forget one very big part of the issue. The girls had another sister. Kathy was the middle child, and lived up to the stereotypical middle child. Always in trouble. When Karen became a teenager, her parents dumped the responsibility for keeping an eye on her. Karen got beat when Kathy got caught smoking. Karen was also told she would end up unwed and pregnant just like the girl next door. I have helped Karen be able to stand up to her mother which she never did in her first marriage. After years of alcohol and drug, abusive relationships and unmanaged diabetes Kathy ended up homeless and Karen begged me to pick Kathy up off the street and bring her home. Kathy finally started to get her life together and got married in 2004. The marriage broke down, he got busted for DUI, and she moved out and continued to drink to excess. In July 2009, after geting into an altercation with some guy, Kathy crashed her van into a tree in and died from massive upper body trauma.
Some time ago Karen admitted that if Kathy had not been her sister, they would not have been friends.
Fast forward to July and August 2010. The use of "We are.... You can....." began.
Now to June and July 2011. Three long weekend visits in five weeks followed by a ten day visit two weeks later.
Now on to June and July 2012. 1- Spending an entire day with her sister and wishing I would say no when she said, We are going out for dinner. You can come with us, if you want. 2- Ignoring me for three hours despite attempts to join in. 3- Giving me permission to join her and her son for dinner. 4- While visiting her sister & BIL, Karen told me to go to bed so she could spend time with her them.
As the anniversary Kathy's death approaches, the frequency and intensity of her selfishness... or anger toward Kathy, builds until an all out release that unfortunately is aimed at me. We have talked recently about her misplaced anger, and this morning I mentioned the time frames of the instances..
Needy?
It amazes me how an only child and a woman whose husband has see her extended family twice in 12 years think they have something to add.
In both cases the responder said, "So what do I know?"
Hey man, my only child comment was actually in your favor, because I said your wife did seem weirdly dependent on her sister. So yeah, bite one of the only hands feeding you
But if you react to her the way you are reacting to us, then I can see why you have problems.