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Please help me articulate why this bothers me.
It's a little issue that's becoming -something- just because it's weighing on my mind and I can't figure out why I'm so bothered.
My boyfriend hates leopard print. He made comments every time I attempted to wear it so I stopped wearing it. For over a year. I like it. So I finally decided, screw this, and bought leopard print flats. I teased him about it. "Ha-ha, I'm wearing these, you hate them!" This was about a week ago.
Last night I went out with him and his sister. A woman near us was wearing a leopard print dress and he made that "EHWWHUU" noise in disgust. I told his sister about his leopard aversion. We laughed.
He said, "I know how I can get her to stop wearing leopard." His sister said, "How?" He said, "I'll just tell her that one of my ex-girlfriends used to wear it all the time."
He was joking... except it was a joke about playing on my insecurities? Because I really hate when he talks about his exes and he knows this?
I can't really figure out why it's bothering me so much. Help?
Re: Please help me articulate why this bothers me.
But I agree with covering the entire house in leopard print out of spite. tell him you hate when he talks about his exes as much as he hates leopard print. once he promises to never do it again youll take it all down. but leave it up for a week so he knows you are serious ;-)
What straight man actually has an opinion on a freaking pattern? Especially to the point where he would be willing to deliberately make you insecure about wearing it?
Nothing about this situation sounds healthy to me. Personally, I'd much rather just cut my losses and be with somebody who wasn't such a douche about something as stupid as a fabric pattern.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
A- he's a douche for, even as a joke, using his ex to get a dig in at you. Seriously- he's a douche for this. If you're not pissed, you need to be and you need to tell him that this is NEVER to be done again. It's about showing you respect. As a person and as his girlfriend.
B- as for the print... he needs to also understand that you are an individual. If you want to wear it, you can and he needs to shut up about it. This is "who" you are. Again, he needs to learn to respect this. You aren't his barbie doll that he can dictate how you dress.
That's what this really all comes down to - respect.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep. Why do you date this guy again? And why does he continue to discuss his exes with you? That's pretty immature and disrespectful, not to mention telling you what you should or shouldn't wear. I would be bothered by someone who was trying to control who I was too.
For your part, I'm not sure why you didn't just appease what sounds like a harmless aversion to a particular style,
For his part, he's an *** for pulling the ex thing. It should bother you, and he should be told that this is a line he shouldn't cross again.
The only way I could see this being remotely ok would be if he thought the print didn't look flattering on you. If my H saw me put on something that didn't look flattering on me, he might tell me (not in an a$$holish way), but beyond that he doesn't then dictate what I can and can't wear. I still do my own thing.
OP, your boyfriend really does sound quite douchey so you might want to rethink him.....sorry to say, but the whole 'talking about his exes' thing sounds like he does it just to spite you and that's really not healthy for a relationship. I'm actually curious as to how old you are if you are seriously considering the idea of plastering leopard print all over the place to spite him. While it may seem like a good idea, do you really want a relationship where you guys are pushing each other's buttons by spiting each other like this?
Thank you! I was reading the responses and nobody said why didn't you just stop wearing leopard print? You even went as far to tease him like a child and say, "Ha ha, I'm wearing this print that you hate." What's the big deal? If MH didn't like leopard print, I wouldn't wear it or if I just had to wear it, I would wear it when out with the girls and not on a date with him.
I agree that your boyfriend shouldn't have said the comment about the ex-girlfriend and I would be upset about that also.
TTC since September 2012
I'm skeeved that him disliking leopard print means that YOU shouldn't wear it, not just that he shouldn't wear it, like you're his damn doll or something. And I'm even more skeeved that there are two women here who agree. This kind of thing is why feminism is still needed.
ed: And him "jokingly" threatening to cause you emotional pain just go get you to knuckle under and let him own your body and pick what it wears? Wow.
Thanks for the responses and validation!! You guys know there has to be a lot more to him than just one douchey, thoughtless comment about leopard that?s ?keeping me here.? (That?s in quotes because I don?t really feel like there IS anything ?keeping me here? ? I WANT to be here and if I had to find reasons to stay, I would NOT be here). And I?m not exactly trying to find a man to pin down and marry, so that?s not a huge concern right now.
He?s a very funny guy and his comment was said in a joking tone, but likes to push the envelope, so does not always know where to draw the line with boundaries when he thinks something is even a little silly. It has gotten him into trouble before. And yes, he?s much better about thinking before he speaks than when we first got together. I think this is just a case where the words came out of his mouth before they were fully processed through his brain. It?s not something I?d like to persecute him over or hold over his head. I was just having a hard time figuring out what about what he said was bothering me so much. So thank you for helping me put my finger on it. I brought it up last night, he understood how it could come off as manipulating my insecurities, felt really bad about it, and told me to keep the shoes as long as I don?t bring up his lapse in joke judgment every time I wear them. Then we cuddled and watched Arrested Development.
I actually like that he has opinions on my style/female style in general. It was really hard to get used to at first but now I love asking his opinion on how something looks. I know he?s being honest and I feel more confident about my outfits having gotten a second opinion. But I'm not so hung up on his opinion that it will stop me from wearing something that I like when he doesn't like it.
The reason I still want to wear leopard even though he doesn?t like it? Because I do like it. Like I said, I did stop. For a year. But I decided that was a little ridiculous and I don?t want to stop wearing something I like because my boyfriend doesn?t like it. THAT would be veering on unhealthy to me ? changing something about yourself to suit your partner. I also don?t think it?s really that big of a deal that I want to wear a pattern sometimes. I?m not doing it to bother him, I agree that would be kind of mean. And teasing him about wearing those shoes? It doesn?t come from a spiteful place. I don?t take myself that seriously! He smiled and went ?Ugh? when I did that. And teased me back. He has one shirt that I HAAAATE. I would never expect him to stop wearing it! I mentioned before that I don?t like it. I deal with it!
He does not at all constantly bring up his exes. This was an annoying exception.
No, I am not ?seriously considering plastering leopard all over to spite him.? That is just way too cost-prohibitive.
OMG, why the hell should she stopping wearing something she likes just b/c her boyfriend doesn't like it. That is complete and utter BS! I HATE to see women who do things like this just b/c their significant other says so. I mean...wow!! I absolutely HATE it when people say "Well what does your husband say about you doing...." I'm letting my hair grow out and people ask me that all the time. WTF?!?! My husband doesn't care for large trendy rings but I LOVE them...doesn't stop me from wearing them and he doesn't tell me to stop or make fun of it when I do wear them. It's ridiculous! He should not be manipulating you like that just to get you to stop wearing leopard print.
Meh, I think it's more that he just doesn't keep his opinions to himself than it is that he wants to dictate what I wear. And that's part of the reason I had such a hard time with his opinions when we first got together - I didn't really see that there was a difference between the two. He's very detail oriented and has an opinion about everything. I just had to teach myself to not put so much value on his opinion on... everything. And he had to teach himself that he doesn't need to express out loud his opinions about...everything.
But I think he hates leopard more than everything else. Probably even more so after this!
Ohhhh, I hope you didn't think I was agreeing because of my comment....I totally think this girl's boyfriend is really a jerk for his attitude....
Believe me, my H doesn't dictate what I wear, but if he thought something looked silly on me or didn't flatter me, he would tell me - like a friend would tell another friend this kind of thing. But beyond that - he never tells me what specifically I can and can't wear and even if he ever did, I'd tell him where to shove it
Here we go again with this feminism stuff. It has nothing to do with that. He doesn't like lepoard print and he told her and she throws in his face that I'm wearing it because you don't like it. That's childish to me.
When MH and I moved recently, I wanted to throw out some clothes and a coat that I hated but I didn't and instead I hid them in the back of his closet hoping he would forget about them. I have told him that I don't like a certain style of clothes and I fail to see why that is sooooo bad to do.
Some ladies seem so overly concerned with not letting a man tell you what to do and everything is not about that. MH loves my long hair so before I cut it short, why wouldn't I take into consideration how MH likes it? Would that stop me from cutting it if I really wanted to? No, but for women to not care what their husband thinks about their appearances seems odd.
Again, he was wrong to bring up the ex so I do agree with that part of pp's respones.
TTC since September 2012
Reading your post reminded me of a time my H was telling some of our mutual friends and others we didn't know as well at the time what a terrible dancer I was. He wouldn't let up, just kept going on and on. He could tell by the look on my face that he'd royally screwed up and apologized right away. I know that's not the same, but he knew I was self conscious about my lack of dancing ability and still "teased" me anyway.
I'm pretty sure there's a big difference between "I'm wearing leopard BECAUSE you don't like it," and "I'm wearing leopard EVEN THOUGH you don't like it." But whatever. If teasing makes me childish... well I'd much rather be childish and playful, and have fun with life, than be uptight and super serious about everything.
I actually know a lot of guys who associate leopard print with "trashy" cause of the media. Have you told him why you like it and asked him to try to see it from your perspective? A good general thing to do.
The comment was jerky, etc, etc, you've gotten your answers
.
Nice point. I read your post like you where wearing it BECAUSE he doesn't like them. Why else would you say Ha ha, look what I have on that you hate? It seems to me if you were wearing it EVEN THOUGH he doesn't like it, you would have worn the shoes and not have drawn attention to them at all. If he notices, he notices, but do as you please.
TTC since September 2012
THUMBS UP.