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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: Mother's Day Dilemma
While I think that it was a silly statement too, do you think perhaps he said that as an attempt (although a poor one) to make OP feel better about the situation? Just a thought...sometimes men have a tendency to say dumb sh!t that doesn't make much sense.
We have TOLD you how.
Don't fing go.
When SIL asks where you are, H should respond MSPiggy isn't here because she is with her mother. You should have check with us about the plans for today so she could be here. You hussy.
SIL will then blame her FIL and then your H can tell her why we are doing a Hallmark Holiday around your in laws and not mine is just so unfair. And then chaos happens and you will never have these problems again.
I am joking but not on the point that you should be with your mother. I do understand other posters on this. It is just a day but I can't get over the fact that this was planned by SILs FIL and you two got roped into it. Just not fing okay to me.
First off, I agree with ECB (east coast bride). Just flip your day around and see your mom in the AM and your MIL in the PM. Easy peasy especially since you said your mom has the whole day off.
Sit down with your H and have a rational conversation about it.
I'd be willing to subscribe to that theory, except when OP suggested going their separate ways for the day, her husband's response was basically "Fine, go see your mom, I'll just sit at home and not go anywhere that day".
How is that supposed to make her feel better?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Jeez...yea, you are right - I read this board from my office, so sometimes I quickly look and miss those more 'important' details.
So that's true - and OP's H is quite immature for giving that kind of response...what is he? 10?
All I can say is figure this *** out now, or its just going to be THAT MUCH HARDER when you do have kids.
How much fun is it going to be schlepping around your children to meet the needs of everyone else over YOUR needs....
BTW - unless your mothers are actively MOTHERING YOU, the guilt trips for not falling into THEIR EXPECTATIONS sort of defeats the whole "celebrating our moms" thing.
What? You both are going to celebrate Mother's Day when you are not a mother? That's just plain weird. The dynamics in your relationship are strange for sure if you can't each see your own mother separately for one day.
It seems like there are more issues here than just where to spend your Mother's Day.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70005325.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/72541246.aspx
I didn't nod along. This was through text messaging because I was working and after he said this, I was like, let's continue talking about this at home. Last night we had company so did not have a chance to talk about it. Something I had not mentioned though is that apparently my mother was also invited to these lunch plans, that was mentioned when we ourselves were told about the plans. However, I know my mom would not want to spend her MD with such a large group of people that have nothing to do with her (SIL's H's family), so I did not count this. But technically, they did try to include us, even though it was a take-it-or-leave-it kind of invite!
UPDATE:
So I tried to get to the bottom of this because this has been the first time in our marriage that this has surfaced. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. Just like every little bump in the road, when it comes down to it, it all stems from our family traditions and what we have each been used to. People talk about making new traditions when you get married, but no one tells you how difficult it is for each spouse to separate themselves from those traditions and family ties.
My husband's family is a close family of 4. They have some family close by, but they don't really talk to them or get together for holidays or birthdays. There is some history behind that, but basically they have always been just themselves for everything and very exclusive in their celebrations. My family on the other hand has always been big (even though we are an immediate family of 5). A lot of my family is in our native country, but the ones we have here we at least try to keep in touch and get together even if it's only once a year. Family aside, my parents have always been very inclusive and welcoming. Growing up, my house was always filled with close friends visiting and my parents constantly planned get-togethers and parties. So I always had a sense of community and it wasn't just our little family for everything, even though we were very close and dinner at home was important to spend together, etc.
I tell you this because I finally talked to my husband today and was shocked at what he told me. To him and his family, EVERY holiday is a family holiday. And since they are not party or even small dinner-party type of people (they are not close with anyone else but themselves and maybe a couple of friends), they celebrate every single special occasion with a family meal. In the 6 1/2 years we have been together, every single event has been celebrated with a breakfast, lunch or dinner - just the immediate family (sometimes they have extended the invitiation to my family and SIL's H's family when it comes to major holidays like Thanksgiving and Xmas because they have to).
He was very defensive and upset at the fact that I did not understand why MOTHER'S day was a family day for him. I tried to get my point across as much as I could and told him that for me, it's not a family event, and that I would like to have the option to spend the day with my mom and sister doing girly things without having to worry about him, and how that should be OK. What I agreed to was that as long as the day was split and included both of our family traditions then he is fine with it. For example, I can spend the whole day with my mom if I want to, and then him and I join his family at night for a celebratory dinner. He also said that because he sees these as family holidays, that he cannot picture me missing these meals. So I guess this is where I have to compromise and respect his traditions, as long as mine are respected as well.
Yes, his family dynamics are weird, but marrying my husband means marrying his family, so I have no choice but to learn, compromise, and move on. Thank you all for the advice you offered and for helping me put all this into perspective.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Good luck with this. There's compromise, and there is completely bending backward to how someone lived their life before you were in the picture. Yeah, good luck with being happy with that.
Yea, it seems that OP is the one who is expected to 'compromise' on all aspects of this...IE: be a doormat/slave/whatever you want to call it to her H's family and their traditions.
OP, you are only partially correct about the whole notion of 'you marry someone, you marry their family' - that may be true to a certain extent, because both your family and your H's will be around and it's not like you can write them off, obviously, however, that does not mean you must compromise every aspect of your being to pander to one family or the other 100% of the time. Seems that you may be willing to meet in the middle, however, your H is not. That's a big red flag there if I ever saw one....
Ha Ha, I was thinking the same thing. In fact, the ILs are behaving opposite of how she described as well. They don't come across as stand offish, keep to themselves kind of people.
This is why I hardly sign on anymore. My brain hurts on this thread.
If Mother's Day is such a faaaamily day in YH's family, then why is SIL's FIL the one calling the shots on the family meal?
And who cares about your mom's "face" if you don't get there until 5:30/6?
The more you try to not disappoint people, the more you end up disappointing them AND driving yourself nuts. I know my mom's upset that we won't be going to dinner with my parents and GPs on Sunday, we already had plans - but instead of running myself ragged, I didn't even open up the option of Sunday - just said that we'd like to get together for Mother's Day, we're available Friday night and Saturday so take your pick. She took her pick after learning last Thanksgiving that I'm dead serious (we ended up not doing a Thanksgiving with them because none of the three weeks around Thanksgiving were good enough... it was IL's year for the actual day).
Added: To get back to your issue, there's a lot of guilt being hurled around from all angles and it doesn't help when one of those angles is your husband. Like most things on this board, you have a husband problem, not family problems. You two need to be on the same page and not let family (or family "traditions") dictate your schedule.
LOL I thought about it too as I was writing it. Why don't we just conclude and say both families are crazy? Or better yet, that I am crazy? Cause I sure do feel like I am going crazy at this point ....so hard to get my point across in writing....you guys sure do catch every little detail
I guess that was my mistake. I talked to my mom today, and as suspected, she was not happy, saying "so you are basically spending all day with them." I told her no, we can do something earlier in the day like go have breakfast, and she brushed it off saying she wanted to stay at home. Both my sisters think I made the wrong decision and I should have made the day about MOM despite our Saturday plans and despite ILs plans. What is sad is that I agree with them, yet I went the complete opposite direction.
Am I being manipulated by my husband or am I just trying too hard to compromise on these issues that are important to both of us? Where am I going wrong? I am so frustrated. I am very sorry if I keep going back and forth over what some of you may think is a petty issue, but I need to learn how to handle these situations better! If I try to please my mom and family, my husband gets upset, and if I try to please my husband, my family gets upset. Is there any winning here? It doesn't seem like there is any compromise that will please everyone. This little debacle just proved it.
Man, this really should not even be this hard. I?m so sorry you are dealing with something that is turning into such a stressful thing when really it should not be this hard. I?m starting to think that both your H and your mother are in the wrong here. Your mother needs to realize that you are married now and that it's not always going to be about her all the time. But at the same time, your H needs to really get over himself and realize that it is not about his family all of the time either. And sorry, he needs to accept the fact that no, you guys are not joined at the hip and that yes, it is perfectly OK to go your separate ways on days like Mother's Day because you both have mothers!!!!!!
I know it shouldn't be this hard, but unfortunately it is. I followed my instinct and basically pissed him off to no end. I made the decision to spend the day with my mom. I am going to visit my MIL in the morning (without him - he is upset and refuses to go with me or go see my mother later in the day) so that at least she hears my side of things of why I can't make the lunch and take her a card and small gift. He is extremely upset and said this is going to be very bad for us. God knows what that means, but I don't care. I needed to stay true to myself. Ughhh even though things are not good around here, at least I am relieved because I feel I did the right thing. Sorry for the crazy ranting! I am so glad I have this site to vent and listen to awesome advice when I need it. You guys rock!!!!
Yep, this! Hopefully everything goes smoothly on Sunday. I'm kinda curious about an update on this on Monday!
Sorry this is so hard for you. It does stink to be in the middle, but I'm glad you are doing what you think is right. I'm still sticking to "Your H is being like a child" though.
But whyyyyyy on earth, do YOU need to explain anything to your MIL? She does realize that YOU have a mother too, right? RIGHT? Jeez....stop pandering to these people....and your H really needs to get a friggin' grip already with this 'it's going to look very bad for us.' What does that even mean? If my H ever said that sh!t to me, boy oh boy, would he be sorry...smh
Be firm and direct and honest. You want to spend the day with your mom.
She might try to guilt trip you and make this about you not liking them, so don't fall for that or let yourself be manipulated. Just keep the conversation short and quick. Mostly remember this, you have nothing to feel bad about. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend Mother's day with your mom instead of your ILs and your SILs ILs on mother's day. Sure it would be nice to see both families, but some years that doesn't happen and they need to let it go.
FWIW, I have had this problem too. My sister likes to host all holidays by inviting my family and her ILs to her home. Sure that works out great for her and I like her ILs, but after a few years, my husband and I decided that isn't how we want to spend our holidays, so we are doing our own thing. Again, nothing against her ILs and I understand why she has everyone over to her house, but ya know, it isn't working for us anymore and we want to do our own thing. That is ok too.
Oh and I also have to add that you gotta stop being such a people pleaser. It will get you no where because as you can clearly see, you can't make all the people happy all the time. All that will happen is that you will make yourself miserable. At a certain point, you have to be ok with people being upset with you and that the world won't end if they do. I understand you don't like confrontation, most people don't, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Their lunch idea simply didn't work for you and you decided to prioritize your mom and sister on Mother's day because that is what worked best for you. That is smart and kudos to you for choosing what worked best for you. I understand others are giving you a hard time for it, but you know that whatever you chose, someone would be upset.
Jeez, your SIL has some balls on her. How about the explanation of 'I HAVE A MOTHER TOOOOOOOOOOO', then tell her to stfu already. You don't even need to give her any explanation, but since she's being an a-hole about it at this point, you are going to have to tell her like it is. The plan for Sunday does not work for you, you are going to spend the day with YOUR MOTHER, and she needs to just accept it and worry about her own sh!t that day. Then move on.
Good god, my brain hurts from this thread at this point.
Cripes - my brain hurts too.
OP - moving forward in life, you need to start figuring out earlier what it is that YOU want and what will make YOU happy. Mothers Day is now a cluster - but that's paritally your fault because you were waffling between everyone and too worried about "how do I not upset anyone?".
Clearly that isn't going to happen - everyone isn't going to be happy just ONE solution. So you need to step back from that and start figuring this stuff out sooner.
Yes, you're a people pleaser, but now that's gotten you into a worse situation than you needed to be in.
ANd I think this is going to take a bigger talk w/ your DH. Wait until MD's is over, but seriously- you all need to hash out this "family" issue. He has HIS concept of how holidays should be spent, you have yours. There is a middle ground and he needs to respect that if HIS way prioritizes HIS family- that isn't fair to you or your family.
As for his sister- you just tell her that unfortunately her plans didn't work out for you or your mom. She gives you grief? Stand firm. DOn't apologize and don't over explain. Just tell her that in the future, you hope that your fmaily can be taken into account when these kinds of plans are made.
BUT in that being said - I still also contend that I find it ironic that your mom is an "all inclusive" person, but yet she refuses to go out w/ other people for MOthers Day. Some of this is also about talking to your family and askint them for some flexibility. Your DH and his family is important too and you have to find balance. You need their help to do that....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is a good lessonfor those mothers with adult children to realize that it's not all about them anymore. The kids are grown, self-sufficent, with jobs, spouse, and families of their own, and the days of being queen of Mothers Day has passed. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated, and they very well should be. But the OP, an adult, cow-towing to her mother's and MIL's schedules and infantile attitudes is just absurd.
OP, spend the day with whom you want, grow a spine, and stand up for yourself. Start acting like the adult you suppose yourself to be.