Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Mother's Day Dilemma
I didn't talk to the SIL because apparently my MIL decided to handle it herself. She texted me soon after my SIL did that she had heard rumors, and since she doesn't like rumors, she wanted to talk to me to clear things up. She wanted to either come over my house or me go over hers to talk. We live close to them, so I stopped by after work. I went in with my mind set that she was not going to make me go back on my decision.
Basically, she told me that she "understands" me but does not think I am justified. She compared me to my sister who lives out of town a couple of times, implying she would understand more if I was her and did not get to spend time with my mom all the time.(I told her MD has always been an important day for us and rolled my eyes at that). She mentioned she had "heard" that I had a family event the day before (that is how she started her side after she heard me out).I told her yes, there is a family thing one of my dad's cousin's wife is planning, but this is family we barely see and it is also for her daughter's b-day. Whatever, she cut me off and went on.
She gave me some bogus excuse as to why we weren't told in the planning process (apparently she started planning with my SIL and then they got SIL FIL involved), and mentioned that I never went up to her and asked her what her plans were. She said it was just not possible this year to do an earlier lunch or a dinner (which is what would have worked better for me) because the reservation was done thanks to a friend of SIL FIL, and how it is so hard to get reservations to a restaurant on MD, bla bla.
She also tried to convince me that spending time with my mom after 6pm sounded good to her and implied there was nothing wrong withe me doing that (no thanks, I don't want my mom to be the secondary plans for mother's day).
But none of these things really upset me. What really got my blood boiling were things that were blurted out (trying to remember as best I can the main points) such as:
1-Remember when you get married it's not only taking from one side, you have to learn to give, and compromise.
2-I think that my son has compromised a lot ever since you guys got married. Correct me if I am wrong, but he has actually given up more for you! (I corrected her)
3- I have always been very understanding since you got married because I understand that time has to be split equally.
4- I think YOU are in the wrong here.
5- I don't think it is worth it for YOU to make such a huge deal over this trivial thing and "drown yourself in a glass of water" (spanish expression).
6- I warned you before you got married to my son that when he gets really upset about something, he completely changes, shuts down, and there is no turning him back (what does this even mean??)
7-So you are saying it is worth it to do what you want in spite of upsetting your husband?
8- You want me to be honest with you? I think you are playing a power struggle game to see which one wins.
9-I don't remember you ever coming up to me and asking me what I was doing for Mother's day. You could have planned ahead and found out, but since no one one asked I went ahead and started planning.
I know you guys have stuff to say about that!
So after taking all of these things calmly and responding to them in the most respectful way I knew how, she still said no hard feelings and that I would always be OK with her, that she loves me like a daugther (honestly I have never had any REAL problems with her) and that she understands my mom comes first, but she implied I was being unreasonable and selfish.
What's done is done. I just really need to take things into my own hands next year and maybe start doing the planning myself. I AM NOT A PLANNER. And that is my biggest problem. But since some of you have pointed out, I gotta grow up and start making things happen for myself in order to avoid these situations. What a mess. For the record, my brain literally hurts too!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Am I the only one who finds it odd that the MIL is so upset that her daughter IN-LAW is not spending Mother's Day with her? I could understand if her own son wanted to pass on the celebration. But crap! She's not even her own child. This is so odd.
My ILs are cuckoo but I think they would be perfectly happy if their son got to spend time with them, with or without my presence. It's MOTHER'S DAY - your MILs kids should spend time with her and you should spend time with your own Mom. If it were feasible to do both at different times, great. Clearly that's not the case this year, so you and your husband have to separate and do your own thing. I would not have sat there and had that conversation because it's really that simple.
ummm....yea....I?m actually quite floored that 1 - the MIL said all of these things to OP and 2 - OP actually entertained this and went so far as to continue explaining why she would not be spending time with MIL on Mother's Day because the more you explain something to someone like this, the more you leave open for them to argue with you and try to get you to change your position.
My brain still hurts with this thread, btw....
And OP - what you need to realize is that all of this seems to be about your DHs FAMILY. you really need to push your DH on this and ask how he would feel if you actually discounted his family all in lieu of "but this is how MY family does it!"??
He needs to realize that your family matters too and that there needs to be room for compromise. And "compromise" isn't his family making their plans w/o consulting YOU and then getting pissed when you don't adjust your plans around them.
"consulting" and "compromising" goes both ways.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, that lady had some nerve and is a bit self absorbed.
Look, I am going to be completely honest with you. You come across here as a pushover and a people pleaser. Your husband, your mom and your MIL have all picked up on this trait of yours and know exactly how to hurt you and manipulate you. They all know that you hate to disappoint and upset others, all at the expense of your own happiness and well being.
At a certain point you have to be comfortable with people being upset with you. As long as you know you didn't do anything wrong, that is the most important thing. Now, that being said, I am glad you are angry and I am glad that you can recognize that your MIL is being ridiculous. That is very smart of you. I am also really glad that you also made the decision to spend Mother's Day how you wanted. That took a lot of strength. Next time, don't sit there and let your MIL brow beat you. Get up, smile and say that you can tell she is upset and will talk to her again when she is feeling better.
Good for you.
lol wow. i have ILs like that too, but i've learned to 1- let my DH handle them, and 2- not get roped into these types of battles of the will. i wouldn't have gone to her and defended my position, it's mother's day and i want to spend it with my mother. end of story. i don't care about the rest of the noise.
also please get on the same page with your husband regarding "family traditions" before you have kids, or your problem will get exponentially harder.
This! Holy sh*t, OP! Your husband is a controlling child. Your in-laws are being crazy and so is your mother. Stop pleasing these people. Grow up, be an adult, and stand up for yourself. Do what you want tomorrow. Jesus!